# I'm in the ER waiting for labs and saline hookup. Guess the diagnosis? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 23, 2014, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806 "2014-04-23T21:14:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/1 "2014-04-23T21:14:36Z")
Like bich of flu 2 days, feel beat up, fever and chills, near nauseated constantly. Woke at 4 am ate, water, bloaty nausea, drank Maalox. Was afraid (woosy-ed out) to drink water more than sips for fear of hurling. Check in in a daze at 3:30. Like desert island thirst, besides body and stomach pain. Worried for hydration in general, and in particular didn’t take diabetes pills or bipolar pills. Plus lack of nutrition ng for sugar. Walked in, glucose 280. Begged for saline bag, etc, refused. Stomach muscles clenched like in sit-up for last x hours, which I hadn’t even noticed. Palpation very very ouchy on lived–long ago diagnosed w/ benign fatty liver, so nothing new there. X-ray for lung fluid. Nothing. Resident gets sonogram worries about gall bladder. His boss comes in, palpates, says liver is enlarged. Asks if I want cat scan now or weight for bloods. I choose wait. after nibing on ice (what a blessing!) and letting chips melt on my head, saline just ordered. I want to be brined! Ok, fans, such is the presentation. Comments from the peanut gallery much appreciated. My wife won’t be here for an hour. And I do feel better than when I came in. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/2 "2014-04-23T21:18:34Z")
No idea but hope you’re back on your feet soon! Get Well! ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/3 "2014-04-23T21:33:15Z")
If your doctor looks like Hugh Laurie, I’m going to say it isn’t lupus. But then again, if your doctor looks like Hugh Laurie, you’re also lying about something. Let me go break into your house and look for drugs, pet feces, or killer mold. Until then, good luck to you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/4 "2014-04-23T21:40:48Z")
The alien is almost ready to burst from your chest. Or else, the flu. Regards, Shodan PS - Prayers for your health. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/5 "2014-04-23T21:45:24Z")
Treif? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/6 "2014-04-23T21:49:10Z")
Common flu, and dehydration. Get well soon! ---
**Author:** ![USCDiver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uscdiver/32/354_2.png) [@USCDiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/USCDiver)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/7 "2014-04-23T21:51:21Z")
I’d be surprised if your “diagnosis” is not the same as your chief complaint. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/8 "2014-04-23T22:26:31Z")
Two ER docs slumming as radiologists came in with the bestest ultrasound on the floor to do it all over again. Spent leisurely hike all over finding veins losing the gall bladder temporarily flipping me for kidneys, and wandered around the heart for good measure. One said my right (liver) side looks like a football is there relative my normal svelte god-like symmetric curved torso. Was bagged finally, just drank a tin of spiked water for CT, to begin in “30-45 minutes.” Spiked with 240 mg Omnipaque, which I presume is named for omni opaque, (I’ll also get iv’d with radio opaque juice, naturally. Unless “Omnipaque” was named by French Christian shamans, and is to provide an omni-Easter experience. The thirst issue is now solved, even after my wife refused to give me some diet coke because she asked a nurse. We quickly made up about it, though. Where’s **Gauss** and **The Mercotan** , goddamnit? What am I keeping them on retainer for? ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/9 "2014-04-23T22:59:36Z")
> [@randompattern](#): > > Common flu, and dehydration. > Get well soon! I concur! (My favorite line from “Catch Me If You Can”- “I shoulda said I concurred! :smack:” Feel better soon. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/10 "2014-04-23T23:32:02Z")
I’m guessing you’re pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2014, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/11 "2014-04-23T23:45:40Z")
Given your user name, kidneys. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/12 "2014-04-24T01:19:59Z")
Friends, thanks for posts and wishes. Got out of ct 30 min ago. I would like to respond to some posts with further badinage, as well as provide an update. It’s not officially shit just got real, but I’ve been drifting in and out of interesting and uncomfortable fever dreams (conked out in CT d ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/13 "2014-04-24T01:29:04Z")
Sounds like coreopsis [has started to set in](http://www.shmoop.com/walter-mitty/mitty-bumbling-jargon-symbol.html)! ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/14 "2014-04-24T01:31:09Z")
:: half repeat post; didn’t realize I was editing time out :: Friends, thanks for posts and wishes. Got out of ct 30 min ago. I would like to respond to some posts with further badinage, as well as provide an update. It’s not officially shit just got real, but I’ve been drifting in and out of interesting and uncomfortable fever dreams (conked out in CT toroidal thing (I wanted to discuss its geometry here). I’m burning up (more later) worse than this afternoon. But I read 98.2–wtf? Plus I’ve had not nutrition, glucose, nutting since 4 am. Could that be plain old hunger wooziness in addition? 2 liters of 0.9% brine. I do my chickens in 5% by weight of water bath. I can’t leave without acknowledging the kidneys that were in my mind, like my hero. Nutty hen cod roes he liked also, and I said once here I would post about finding them myself. But I feel now my gorge rising. Pah! (Cite, anyone?) Seriously thanks to all my virtual friends. I’m going to check into sleep now if I can. Don’t know if I’m staying the night. I’m on my second 650-mg ibuprofen, which has done a whole lot of bupkis. Maybe I ate bath salts w/o knowing today? But I don’t feel like eating anybody’s faces. I was mean and made that joke to my wife and upset her. I publicly apologize (in case you ever read this my love). Leo ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/15 "2014-04-24T01:49:34Z")
> [@Leo\_Bloom](#): > > 2 liters of 0.9% brine. > > I do my chickens in 5% by weight of water bath. > > I can’t leave without acknowledging the kidneys that were in my mind, like my hero. Nutty hen cod roes he liked also, and I said once here I would post about finding them myself. But I feel now my gorge rising. Pah! (Cite, anyone?) > > . . . . > > Maybe I ate bath salts w/o knowing today? But I don’t feel like eating anybody’s faces. Hope you wake up un-eaten and with an appetite, Leo. Best wishes. > [@](#): > > Mr Leopold Bloom ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls. He > liked thick giblet soup, nutty gizzards, a stuffed roast heart, > liverslices fried with crustcrumbs, fried hencods’ roes. Most of all he > liked grilled mutton kidneys which gave to his palate a fine tang of > faintly scented urine. > > Kidneys were in his mind as he moved about the kitchen softly, righting > her breakfast things on the humpy tray. Gelid light and air were in the > kitchen but out of doors gentle summer morning everywhere. Made him feel > a bit peckish. > > . . . . > > –Roast beef and cabbage. > > –One stew. > > Smells of men. Spaton sawdust, sweetish warmish cigarette smoke, reek of > plug, spilt beer, men’s beery piss, the stale of ferment. > > His gorge rose. > > Couldn’t eat a morsel here. Fellow sharpening knife and fork to eat > all before him, old chap picking his tootles. Slight spasm, full, chewing > the cud. Before and after. Grace after meals. Look on this picture then on > that. Scoffing up stewgravy with sopping sippets of bread. Lick it off the > plate, man! Get out of this. > > He gazed round the stooled and tabled eaters, tightening the wings of > his nose. > > –Two stouts here. > > –One corned and cabbage. > > That fellow ramming a knifeful of cabbage down as if his life > depended on it. Good stroke. Give me the fidgets to look. Safer to eat > from his three hands. Tear it limb from limb. Second nature to him. Born > with a silver knife in his mouth. That’s witty, I think. Or no. Silver > means born rich. Born with a knife. But then the allusion is lost. > > An illgirt server gathered sticky clattering plates. Rock, the head > bailiff, standing at the bar blew the foamy crown from his tankard. Well > up: it splashed yellow near his boot. A diner, knife and fork upright, > elbows on table, ready for a second helping stared towards the foodlift > across his stained square of newspaper. Other chap telling him something > with his mouth full. Sympathetic listener. Table talk. I munched hum un > thu Unchster Bunk un Munchday. Ha? Did you, faith? > > Mr Bloom raised two fingers doubtfully to his lips. His eyes said: > > –Not here. Don’t see him. > > Out. I hate dirty eaters. > > He backed towards the door. Get a light snack in Davy Byrne’s. Stopgap. > Keep me going. Had a good breakfast. > > –Roast and mashed here. > > –Pint of stout. > > Every fellow for his own, tooth and nail. Gulp. Grub. Gulp. Gobstuff. > > He came out into clearer air and turned back towards Grafton street. > Eat or be eaten. Kill! Kill! ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/16 "2014-04-24T01:50:07Z")
Is this a variant on Firesign Theatre’s “[Beat the Reaper](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3zZ_ih0Jpc)”? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/17 "2014-04-24T03:19:43Z")
Thinking lovely kidney ‘n’ liver thoughts in your direction. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/18 "2014-04-24T03:34:05Z")
Melancholy. I recommend bleeding with leaches, a mustard poultice, and a few drams of brandy thrice a day. Put an onion under your pillow and sleep with your feet uncovered just to be on the safe side. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/19 "2014-04-24T04:29:54Z")
Leprosy ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806/20 "2014-04-24T04:41:00Z")
Very pleasant man woke me, like nice angel brought me cool pack. Put it on my head, experienced ammonium nitrate and water in my eye. New level of brief intense liquid pain in eye, surpassing the time I got a taste of my own medicine so to speak, when I touched my eye with a cum-covered finger (for further information search for a GQ thread o OP’ed on why that hurts so much). Anyway, same nice guy goes to inquire on my status after my wife asked. (Apparently some sort of big-ass trauma thing was going on–mine shaft explosion? Family in a thresher? Gang warfare?), so nobody’s around. We haven’t seen a doctor or gotten results of anything yet. Guy–a “patient rep” comes back and cheerfully tells us that everything’s moving nicely, surgery’s been notified and is ready. Cue vapors from Mrs. Bloom, and I’m laughing, as this guy just made a big oops. Chases down PA. So: update for those playing along at home: white blood cell count at 17, whatever that means, but enough to keep me upstairs and get pumped. You pass? Ok, next clue, a big one. Hint: is it inflammation or infection (see another, more recent GQ OP of mine where I was brutally corrected in what those words meant, and how it cost me doing the dishes). Next hint: CT shows “darkening in my bowels.” PA reports: radiologist said nothing, bigger shot said…ready… Small bowel obstruction. I’m telling you, if it is it’s too much ducking matzo. My wife felt guilty that it was a particularly bad matzo brei breakfast from last weekend. I told her we’ll have to see what pathology dredges up. So, big shot radiologist calls surgeon. That’s what the silly man misunderstood when he said “surgery is prepared for you.” Surgeon wants to make the call after he pokes me. Note refers to him/her as a department: surgery will be down here in about an hour. She also said maybe instead of a surge, if indeed I have this whatever, is to suck it out through a tube from my nose down to my stomach. The surgery sounds better, frankly. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-the-er-waiting-for-labs-and-saline-hookup-guess-the-diagnosis/686806.md?page=2)