# I'm Mean To My Kids! And I Can't Stop! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 28, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080 "2010-05-28T16:42:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/61 "2010-05-29T21:33:13Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Uh, yeah, Stockholm Syndrome is a GREAT childrearing tool. And also completely unavoidable. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/62 "2010-05-29T23:48:26Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > And also completely unavoidable. Precisely. Kids are by their nature hostage. That’s probably the origin of Stockholm syndrome actually, if I had to guess. A healthy child-parent instinct being transferred onto hijackers. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/63 "2010-05-30T00:15:59Z")
Awesome. Being mean to your kids just so they’ll be grateful to you when you stop. And then teach them to substitute gratitude for love. Is there somewhere I can nominate this as the most depressing thread ever? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/64 "2010-05-30T00:19:12Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Awesome. Being mean to your kids just so they’ll be grateful to you when you stop. And then teach them to substitute gratitude for love. Is there somewhere I can nominate this as the most depressing thread ever? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo You completely misunderstood me. Fucking hell. What I was suggesting that if he has already been being mean to his kids, this is the best way to rectify this situation. Edit: And yes, that may involve being mean in the same way one more time. But in such a case the ends really would justify the means. If the kids were a bit older, he could probably apologise now for what he’d done. But at that age they probably need to see it one more time; that’ll do sod all more damage than the damage he’s already done, and the apology and so on will fix it all. None of this is perfect, but he has to work with what he’s got. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/65 "2010-05-30T00:21:58Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Uh, yeah, Stockholm Syndrome is a GREAT childrearing tool. Overreact much? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/66 "2010-05-30T00:25:04Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo > > You completely misunderstood me. > > Fucking hell. > > What I was suggesting that if he has already been being mean to his kids, this is the best way to rectify this situation. > > Edit: And yes, that may involve being mean in the same way one more time. But in such a case the ends really would justify the means. > > If the kids were a bit older, he could probably apologise now for what he’d done. But at that age they probably need to see it one more time; that’ll do sod all more damage than the damage he’s already done, and the apology and so on will fix it all. > > None of this is perfect, but he has to work with what he’s got. Or . . . you could take this opportunity to teach your children that real men apologize when they make a mistake, take responsibility for their actions, and that your children can count on you to be emotionally open and honest with them. Instead of manipulating the situation so that you hurt your kid one more time so YOU come out looking good. What. The. Fuck. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/67 "2010-05-30T00:28:30Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Overreact much? :rolleyes: **lissener** overreact? Perish the thought. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/68 "2010-05-30T00:28:44Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Or . . . you could take this opportunity to teach your children that real men apologize when they make a mistake, take responsibility for their actions, and that your children can count on you to be emotionally open and honest with them. Instead of manipulating the situation so that you hurt your kid one more time so YOU come out looking good. > > What. The. Fuck. We’re talking about children here. Not adults. Don’t forget that. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/69 "2010-05-30T00:34:05Z")
The dad could also joke around with his kids as normal (except for the teasing) and then stop, look thoughtfully and say “I was going to call that name you don’t like, just as a joke of course, but then I remembered that you didn’t like it. So, I’m not going to tease that way anymore.” and then continue playing as usual. With 5 year olds, that should be concrete enough without having to actually do it again. ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/70 "2010-05-30T01:24:13Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > If he acts like he wants me to do it again What on earth does that mean? ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/71 "2010-05-30T02:41:23Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > We’re talking about children here. Not adults. Don’t forget that. Exactly my point. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/72 "2010-05-30T02:42:47Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Overreact much? :rolleyes: Sorry, I forgot the proper response is always a “me too.” ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/73 "2010-05-30T02:49:24Z")
> [@zagloba](#): > > What on earth does that mean? It means just that…if I stop using nicknames he doesn’t like like I propose to do, in light of the fact that this is a game we play that he is sometimes responsive to, then if he fails to bring it up, then I won’t do it anymore. Simple, no? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/74 "2010-05-30T02:53:46Z")
Now, now. Don’t go being reasonable. I think they’d rather see you pilloried. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/75 "2010-05-30T02:55:34Z")
So, you’re going to leave it up to the kid to decide? Foie, serious here, please give all the responses here some thought, and make up your own mind what is best for your child’s development and sense of self-esteem. Kids yearn for their parents’ attention, even if its negative, so if he “misses” you calling him names, that doesn’t mean the healthiest response is to go back to calling him names. Give him some positive attention to replace the negative. Be the grownup here. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/76 "2010-05-30T03:01:21Z")
You know what? My dad teased me as a kid. You know what I learned from it? Passive aggressiveness; how to lash out at someone from behind a screen of deniability. I learned that you can say mean things to people and then go, “What? I’m kidding!” Took me years to outgrow that. (Let’s just take the obvious responses that as given, shall we?) My sister still does it, and everyone she knows hates it. Don’t teach your kids not to be responsible for their emotions; don’t teach them this early that “mean” equals “funny.” ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/77 "2010-05-30T03:16:29Z")
**lissener** , if you’re going to continue to ascribe your childhood problems to me calling my son “booger” in an obviously paternal, loving (yet teasing, lets not forget!!) fashion…then the problem isn’t me…it’s YOU. ---
**Author:** ![purple\_haze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@purple\_haze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purple_haze)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/78 "2010-05-30T03:47:12Z")
I think this thread has gotten really off track here. Foie read our posts, acknowledged that he will back off a bit for now to see how things go, and mentioned that the OP was partly done in jest. I was one of the people who posted with my opinion, but now see that it doesn’t seem to be a big deal, but the intent was as more of a loving way to joke around. We gave our opinions, the OP has a few things to think about as far as what to do (or not do) in the future. He doesn’t seem to have any intent to hurt his son and is willing to let it go now. End of story, peace. Where the heck does Stockholm syndrome enter into this? I don’t see this thread as being especially depressing either; more of an exchange of thoughts and ideas and reflections on the past. It sounds like you are projecting your own memories onto this situation, and it’s time to step back and just chill. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/79 "2010-05-30T03:50:01Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > **lissener** , if you’re going to continue to ascribe your childhood problems to me calling my son “booger” in an obviously paternal, loving (yet teasing, lets not forget!!) fashion…then the problem isn’t me…it’s YOU. Not receptive to considering relevant experience in a thread you started yourself. Noted. It’s too bad you let whatever personal issues you have with me take precedence over the possible actual validity of what I have to say, but that’s obviously more important than your kids. You can’t even take heartfelt feedback, which you seemed to be requesting, meant only in a sense of trying to help you and your kids, in the spirit in which it’s given, and must instead find a way to turn it back on me as an insult. Way to punch a gift horse in the mouth brah. You deserve whatever happens. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080/80 "2010-05-30T03:56:17Z")
I saw this as an opportunity to offer my experiences, in a very personal way, as a possible way to help other kids who might be feeling the same things. Don’t agree with me? fine. Considered my input, but don’t feel it applies? Fine. Turn it into an opportunity take a dig at me? You’re a real prince. Your kids’ future under your influence is so bright I’m breakin out the shades. As sad as this thread was, it just got sadder. Outtie. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-mean-to-my-kids-and-i-cant-stop/541080.md?page=5)