# I'm needing, but hubby isn't giving. What to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 31, 2005, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618 "2005-01-31T17:07:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/21 "2005-01-31T20:40:36Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I just came back in to this thread after realizing it was \*\*Amazon Floozy Goddess’ \*\* husband who wasn’t giving. > > \*\*AFG \*\* has got to be one of the nicest people on the boards, not to mention one of the most stunningly attractive. Be quiet, I’ve seen your picture, I know. If I was a guy or if I swung that way I’d be making the offer to step in. > > I don’t have any experience with drugs or depression but I wanted to wish you the best. I hope things work out for you. Thanks muchly for such kind words. You brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart. 🙂 Some good points brought up in the responses here. I never thought of meeting with his doc before…I think I’m going to arrange an appointment. I’m on birth control too, plus Effexor for depression and Dexedrine for ADD. You’d think all that would have killed my sex drive, too, but instead it’s turned me into a slobbering animal. I don’t think I ever make it through an entire day without thinking very naughty thoughts. Go figure, eh? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![wisernow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@wisernow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wisernow)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/22 "2005-01-31T20:41:42Z")
Lifestyle plays a big role in how much libido a person has. From what you mention, it appears that there is not much he and you do together other than watch TV etc. Maybe you and him should be doing more things together. I suggest that you guys take a break and go have a vacation. Also, it sometimes works if you leave him for a couple of weeks or so and go visit your family/friends. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Come back and see how he will jump on you. At 36 I don’t think smoking affects libido as much as is being made out. I was 36 once and have also been a smoker. Never had that problem. As regards depression, well yes it does affect interest in sex. He is taking meds for it, but what about long term therapy? Have you or him, found out **what** exactly maybe the cause behind the depression and is there a strategy that you people have developed to beat it? And last, but not the least, take care not ever link his lack of libido to his manhood! Do not let him feel rejected ever. Men are very sensitive about these issues and quite often it becomes a vicious circle - one problem feeding the other. It starts off as a small depression causing loss of libido, and the insensitive partner making the man feel miserable because of his lack of “performance”, which in turn makes the man perform even worse and very soon it has disaster written all over it. So, be careful how you treat him in your frustration. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Deschain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@Roland\_Deschain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Deschain)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/23 "2005-01-31T20:42:28Z")
Do you really think once or twice a week is abnormally low? I once dated a girl for a whole year without having sex. My attitude was that it would have to be HER that definitively initiated the act. I actually think this attitude among guys is not that uncommon. Some men wish to avoid the steriotype of being “sexual aggressors” and will overcompensate by insisting that their partners (without stating this opinion) initiate sexual contact. Unfortunately, some women can take this as a sign of disinterest when its really a matter of predisposition or perhaps a lack of self confidence disguised as arrogance of a sort. When I think back to that year where I didn’t have sex with my wife it was really about my being hurt by the one time that I did initiate contact and was seemingly rebuffed. I would consider myself to have a very high sex drive and have never had sex more than about once or twice a week. For me the social interaction required to get to the sex is usually the obstacle. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/24 "2005-01-31T21:43:43Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Is this typical with hormonal birth control, and does this change with age? I’ve seen a pattern, which only became apparent to me in the last couple of years, in which past girlfriends and wife became _completely_ disinterested in sex or even much affection a few months after starting on **The Pill** , which, as you point out, kinda negates the whole purpose. ☹ No matter what I tried to do to keep things going, the romantic aspect just collapsed like an exotic dancer at the end of a 10 hour shift. > > I’ve a bit of anecdotal evidence, but the literature I’ve found doesn’t really confirm or deny this absolutely. > > Stranger Different brands have different effects on different people. that’s why there are many, many variants on “the pill.” I switched brands and my sex drive came back. Without getting too much into it, if sex drive is low, the prescriber will usually switch to a brand that has a higher “androgenic” effect, or else try a lower-dose pill if that is possible. (There’s actually a nurse’s BCP troubleshooting guide! I know I’ve seen it online as well as in my NP’s office) If someone is experiencing an unpleasant side effect, they should see their doctor and discuss it. They may have more options than they think. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/25 "2005-01-31T21:47:50Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > Thanks muchly for such kind words. You brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart. 🙂 Not a problem. > [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > I’m on birth control too, plus Effexor for depression and Dexedrine for ADD. You’d think all that would have killed my sex drive, too, but instead it’s turned me into a slobbering animal. I don’t think I ever make it through an entire day without thinking very naughty thoughts. Go figure, eh? :rolleyes: Well…neither do I, and I’m not on any of those things. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/26 "2005-01-31T21:50:31Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > You had a big warning sign before you even married. So, why’d you go thorugh with it? A marriage without affection, intimacy and passion is no marriage. Well, as I mentioned in my OP, we did it about once or twice a week. Not a lot, but it did keep me satisfied. So there wasn’t really any issues at that time. He wasn’t on the meds then. It’s only been since shortly before we got married that he started then, and then a couple months after the wedding is when things dropped off. Other than the sexual side of things, he’s very affectionate in that he always gives me hugs and kisses, or snuggles with me when I want to. It’s not a totally cold marriage. He did try Wellbutrin, but had to go off it because it gave him heart palpitations. He didn’t stop the meds himself - he went to his doc when he was getting frightening heart-racing episodes and the doc determined it was a side effect of the Wellbutrin, which is why he switched to Paxil. ---
**Author:** ![sweetfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@sweetfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweetfreak)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/27 "2005-01-31T21:51:09Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Is this typical with hormonal birth control, and does this change with age? I’ve seen a pattern, which only became apparent to me in the last couple of years, in which past girlfriends and wife became _completely_ disinterested in sex or even much affection a few months after starting on **The Pill** , which, as you point out, kinda negates the whole purpose. ☹ No matter what I tried to do to keep things going, the romantic aspect just collapsed like an exotic dancer at the end of a 10 hour shift. > > I’ve a bit of anecdotal evidence, but the literature I’ve found doesn’t really confirm or deny this absolutely. > > Stranger Women are most “in the mood” during their most fertile time, so it’s understandable why being on hormonal birth control would lower their sex drive. However, I have been off and on birth control pills during my life, and usually, after the first couple of months of taking it, my sex drive returns. It depends on the woman, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Augie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@Augie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Augie)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/28 "2005-01-31T22:49:36Z")
Sounds like he’s a bit too much wrapped up in himself and not considering your needs. I make discreet housecalls. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/29 "2005-01-31T23:04:28Z")
I don’t have anything to say that might help your sex life but I just wanted to say that I remember your picture from last year’s pic sharing thread and you’re insane if you don’t think you’re beautiful. Of everyone’s pictures that I’ve seen on this board, you’re easily in the top five. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/30 "2005-01-31T23:17:10Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > I don’t have anything to say that might help your sex life but I just wanted to say that I remember your picture from last year’s pic sharing thread and you’re insane if you don’t think you’re beautiful. > > Of everyone’s pictures that I’ve seen on this board, you’re easily in the top five. I already beat you to it. Nyah. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/31 "2005-01-31T23:18:16Z")
> [@RevCo](#): > > I’ve been married for 5 years and as a man, I’ve gone through phases when I am under the gun and just don’t have the energy. That’s the key for me - as my energy decreases - my drive for everything goes. I’ll add some verification from the other side of the aisle. When hubby is feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and tired, there’s no lovin’ happening. Even without depression added on top, that “unable to ever catch up or catch a break” feeling can kill the passion in a relationship. After the birth of **Son of Stonebow** , my husband decided he was in charge of all household functions. I took care of the baby, and he did _everything_ else. He was positively maniacal about it. Until it nearly killed us both. The stress and work load finally squelched his libido just as I was needing to be romanced/sexed up to counter feeling like a milk machine frump. That was the recipe for the disaster that Spring 2002. To top the horror of that period in my life, my house and both cars would need to explode into fiery sentient lava-beasts. Talking it out, honestly with no accusations, is the beginning of resolving the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/32 "2005-01-31T23:24:36Z")
I’ll bet the Paxil is a big part of the problem, even if he’s not taking it as much as he is supposed to. I quit my SSRI back in September and I just started to feel sexual desire again last week. Oh, and I couldn’t have an orgasm during that entire time, either. All the men I’ve known who took Paxil said they lost the ability to get an erection and/or to have an orgasm. These meds have a powerful effect on libido and sexual performance. The depression and other health problems surely don’t help, either. If I were you, I’d focus on the antidepressant issue first. Paxil is notorious for this kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/33 "2005-01-31T23:40:45Z")
> [@FaerieBeth](#): > > …my house and both cars would need to explode into fiery sentient lava-beasts. Hey, I’d pay to see that. On top of what everyone else said, which is doubtless good advice, may I add: He’s an asthmatic and a smoker? Perhaps part of the problem is that he can’t breathe. Getting him to quit smoking might be a good thing, even if it doesn’t affect his sex drive. If he ever has problems getting it up, or perhaps in satisfying you, it’s possible he doesn’t want to have sex because he doesn’t want to risk failure. You probably would have mentioned that if it were the case, but I’m just throwing it out there on the off chance it’s relevant. Best of luck. Now I’m off to search for the picture sharing thread. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/34 "2005-01-31T23:42:03Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > I’m no supermodel and never will be. I look kinda like my username would suggest (but without the floozy and goddess parts…;)). Imagine Wonder Woman 60lbs heavier and not as pretty - that’s me. I’m clean and neat, I dress well, I smell nice. Sometimes I fart, but I don’t think that would be the reason why I can’t get laid. You’re hot. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de053/32.png) [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackknifed_Juggernaut)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2005, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/35 "2005-01-31T23:51:21Z")
I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but it’s a growing problem. A few months ago, Newsweek had a long article on sexless marriages. While depression/medication could be the culprit in your case, there are plenty of sexless marriages that have no obvious reason. I have a similar problem with my wife. She’s stunningly beautiful, as you are (I’ve never seen you, but I’ll take the word of the others). In any case, your beauty is probably irrelevant to the discussion. Men in our society are constantly bombarded by sexy women. We see them all the time, at the mall, on the train, in the bars, etc. But what’s more exciting to us is novelty. I can see a women who isn’t half as beautiful as my wife, and be sexually stimulated. It happens every day. But when I go back home to my wife, I just don’t feel it. The newer face and newer body somehow trump my wife’s beauty. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve never and will never act on any attraction I have for another woman. I believe in my marriage and will do everything to make it work. We will have had 2 kids in the past 2 years and this has given me an “out” when it comes to sex. But in a couple of months, it will be showtime once again and I’ll have to start performing. I’m against the practice of closing my eyes and pretending I’m with another woman. Many of my friends do this, but I think that it’s the same thing as cheating. So my point is: he’s going to have to work it out. And after a while, it gets into your head and that makes it even more difficult. But as long as you know that there is no other woman, be patient. If your husband is anything like me, he probably feels terrible about it. I think that historical success with women adds to the creation of this problem. I swear that I’m not trying to brag, but before I was engaged, I would have a new playmate every few months for at least a decade. And it seems my system needs this novelty. But I know I’ll get over it. It’s just going to take some time. My wife and I never talk about it, but it wouldn’t bother me if she decided to use some mechanical/electrical “assistance” from time to time. At least until I get over my problem. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/36 "2005-02-01T00:50:31Z")
> [@Zette](#): > > If it were me, I would have a good talk with him. Tell him that you love him and want him to feel his very best, and that his lack of pill compliance affects you directly. Lay it right out on the table. It’s tough love, but let him know that you love him, but you will not live with an untreated person with depression- it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair for him to ask you to. If you do that, you need to mentally prepare yourself for responses pertaining to things like one’s being 60lb overweight or otherwise being dissatisfied with the partner/life/marriage/whatever. Or maybe there’s some sexual thing that he thinks you wouldn’t be interested in. Also, it sounds like although he’s depressed, he’s at peace with it. If he has neither the inclination nor the energy to bring himself to a higher level of activity, that is a really hard thing to beat. The last thing a depressed person wants to hear is how they’re fucking up someone else’s life too. I would take the approach of asking whether he really wants to change his depressive state or not. If he does, you can work on agreements on how you can help him. If he really doesn’t, talk to him about going off the paxil. If he isn’t taking it correctly, it isn’t helping his direction and it is taking the wind out of his boner. ---
**Author:** ![emarkp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3be4f8/32.png) [@emarkp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emarkp)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/37 "2005-02-01T01:07:16Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > Sometimes if I’m feeling down about it he’ll apologise and say, “I promise I’ll give you some lovin’ tonight,” but then that never happens. If he’s genuinely tired, you may try his interest in the morning after a good sleep. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/38 "2005-02-01T01:09:26Z")
Ann Landers would tell you to get to a doctor. I’ve been tired, and grouchy, and mad, but it doesn’t last long if my wife initiates things. For that reason I don’t think a vacation would help. I’ve been amazed at the big difference a small change in meds can make. At times we’ve thought my MIL was on the verge of death or senility, only to have a med change fix everything up. Don’t blame yourself, or him, and don’t let anyone else blame you or him for something that is likely to be purely chemical. Does he go to the doctor regularly to check his dosage, or is Paxil so common now no one bothers. I bet if he goes himself he’d never mention a problem. You might even call your doctor to talk about it - I bet your doctor will call him in. This is why I avoid all drugs of any sort as much as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/39 "2005-02-01T01:31:44Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > You’re hot. > > Carry on. OK, I don’t usually cry “cite”, but I have heard this more than once here. I wanna see. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2005, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618/40 "2005-02-01T01:54:07Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > OK, I don’t usually cry “cite”, but I have heard this more than once here. I wanna see. 🙂 Oh she is. Look around here for the 5-page thread where we all shared our pics. She has the most gorgeous smile. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-needing-but-hubby-isnt-giving-what-to-do/287618.md?page=3)