# I'm not a stalker **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 31, 2018, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231 "2018-05-31T23:54:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/21 "2018-06-01T06:02:06Z")
Stalking is now a criminal offense in every state in the USA. Therefore, to state or even imply that a person is a stalker is equivalent to calling the person a murderer, thief, or any other form of criminal. The person so characterized, who has not been convicted through due process, would have legal recourse to recover damages for defamation of character. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/22 "2018-06-01T08:27:34Z")
OP here. Thanks for the replies, as much as it’s not easy reading them. Like I mentioned, I mean no harm by any of it. I don’t have many friends and REALLY wish I did. It’s hard for me to talk to people. Maybe that’s why the curiosity comes in, and looking people up. Getting the feeling that my lady friend, who I’ve gotten close with, no longer wants the close friendship. I caused it, and that is killing me, to the point of depression. I blew it. Guess I deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/23 "2018-06-01T08:34:13Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Stalking is now a criminal offense in every state in the USA. Therefore, to state or even imply that a person is a stalker is equivalent to calling the person a murderer, thief, or any other form of criminal. The person so characterized, who has not been convicted through due process, would have legal recourse to recover damages for defamation of character. I understand what you’re saying, and at the same time there’s a slang/informal use of the word that doesn’t at all refer to criminal or criminal-like activity. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/24 "2018-06-01T08:44:19Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > OP here. Thanks for the replies, as much as it’s not easy reading them. Like I mentioned, I mean no harm by any of it. I don’t have many friends and REALLY wish I did. It’s hard for me to talk to people. Maybe that’s why the curiosity comes in, and looking people up. > > Getting the feeling that my lady friend, who I’ve gotten close with, no longer wants the close friendship. > > I caused it, and that is killing me, to the point of depression. I blew it. Guess I deserve it. I disagree strongly with you on this. I get it, and I understand that you have actually done nothing malicious or creepy. I don’t think, from what you described, that she has angrily turned against you or anything like that. You don’t deserve bad treatment or being shunned. You deserve “note to self, don’t do that thing” - and that’s ALL the bad you deserve. Cut yourself some slack here. I believe you have a good chance to repair the situation. At least it’s worth trying IMO. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/25 "2018-06-01T10:52:01Z")
Wait till they throw away that bottle of water, slide a pen in the neck and retrieve it for prints and DNA. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/26 "2018-06-01T11:55:29Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > OP here. Thanks for the replies, as much as it’s not easy reading them. Like I mentioned, I mean no harm by any of it. I don’t have many friends and REALLY wish I did. It’s hard for me to talk to people. Maybe that’s why the curiosity comes in, and looking people up. > > Getting the feeling that my lady friend, who I’ve gotten close with, no longer wants the close friendship. > > I caused it, and that is killing me, to the point of depression. I blew it. Guess I deserve it. Try not to beat yourself up about it. OK, the court of public opinion has ruled that you made a bit of a social faux pas. In trying to be friendly and helpful towards this lady, you have unwittingly scared her slightly, by doing something innocent that didn’t seem weird to you, but does to others. So, now you simply do 2 things: 1. Realise that there is a better way of handling such social interactions in future (as someone said, “I don’t know” is a better answer than “I’ll find out for you”). 2. Say to your female friend, casually, next time you see her, something like: “Hey. Sorry if I scared you by looking up some people you asked about. I thought I was being helpful by finding out the answer to your question. It’s not a hobby of mine - I just like puzzles.”. Do NOT attempt to follow up with anything like “I haven’t looked up your info/got a file on you/found out where you live, or anything!”. Even if meant as a joke, it won’t be taken as one. Then just carry on acting normally, she may then be happy to be friends again. If not, bad luck - lesson learned. Don’t sweat it. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/27 "2018-06-01T12:00:32Z")
I don’t think the OP had bad intentions, it just weird. People shouldn’t know this sort of minutia about people they have never met. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/28 "2018-06-01T12:30:48Z")
IME there is a real divide between the sexes when it comes to investigation via Facebook. Bunch of guys sitting around when a weird/strange/beautiful/giant/whatever person is mentioned. Guys sit there wondering “what’s up with _that_?” Bunch of women sitting around in the same situation and in milliseconds everyone has their phones out looking at the person’s Facebook profile and discussing the details. YMMV, but I have noticed this among my cadre of ne’er-do-wells. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/29 "2018-06-01T13:00:36Z")
People still pretend that the details of their lives isn’t publicly available to anyone who wants to look. You broke that illusion. You need to apologize to your lady friend. Hint: sending her a piece of your ear is NOT APPROPRIATE. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/30 "2018-06-01T14:28:09Z")
Stalker has a specific legal meaning than implies harassment, threats, or some other kind of aggressive (if passively aggressive) behavior. People throw it around rather casually like they do lots of things but none of what you did constitute harassment or threatening or even (to me) especially creepy, even if inexplicably nosy. The license plate thing seems going further than most people would though. FB searching is pretty normal, though usually there’s a better reason for searching for someone to see if you have mutual connections. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/31 "2018-06-01T14:44:48Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > OP here. Thanks for the replies, as much as it’s not easy reading them. Like I mentioned, I mean no harm by any of it. I don’t have many friends and REALLY wish I did. It’s hard for me to talk to people. Maybe that’s why the curiosity comes in, and looking people up. > > Getting the feeling that my lady friend, who I’ve gotten close with, no longer wants the close friendship. > > I caused it, and that is killing me, to the point of depression. I blew it. Guess I deserve it. I’m sorry you are so upset about this. Although I only know you from a handful of Internet posts (i.e. not at all) a couple of phrases you’ve used struck a chord with me. I’ve got Asperger’s Syndrome (only diagnosed when I was 54.) Growing up I had few friends, found it very hard to talk to people (especially in a romantic context) and found using computers both easy and comforting. You may like to investigate the possibility that you have something of the sort. (It really helped once I knew how my brain worked.) P.S. Despite the condition, I’m both successful and happy. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/32 "2018-06-01T15:22:30Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > Stalking is now a criminal offense in every state in the USA. Therefore, to state or even imply that a person is a stalker is equivalent to calling the person a murderer, thief, or any other form of criminal. The person so characterized, who has not been convicted through due process, would have legal recourse to recover damages for defamation of character. You’re killing me here. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/33 "2018-06-01T15:49:41Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > You’re killing me here. He’s a murderer! ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/34 "2018-06-01T15:59:38Z")
Public searching can be used for your own advantages. But bragging about your skills does make you sound a bit creepy. When I was searching for a new house to purchase, I would do a search on the owners of the houses we were interested in to find out anything that might help me as to why they were selling their house. I.e. did they already purchase a second home, were they going through a divorce, what they did for a living, etc. etc. ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/35 "2018-06-01T16:14:24Z")
I figure anything posted on FB is fair game. As others have said, looking up a license plate is odd. I would be very uncomfortable if I found out someone without a compelling reason (cop, et al) got this info. This isn’t the end of the world, you just overstepped a boundary trying to impress your female friend. A few things that may give insight into why the plate thing may have alarmed her: I think us women may be particularly sensitive to this because of the info connected to plates - for example, someone you cut off in traffic or thought you were cute sitting at a stoplight now has your address, can see if there’s a co-registrant (lack of one could mean not married or living alone), and so on. Your friend, knowing you found this info about a stranger, may suspect you’ve been digging around in her records as well. I’m not at all into the “all women are victims” narrative and fearless about nigh evetything, but from an early age women learn to be alert to possible threats to personal safety. For example, I’ve never experienced violence from a man, but if I’m walking alone at night in a parking lot I have my keys palmed and the biggest one out between my knuckles. If I got concerned a guy was being stalkerish I’d be hyper-vigilant and much more concerned about being alone anywhere, particularly at night (and I’d be royally pissed off it was limiting my freedom). ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/36 "2018-06-01T16:16:36Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > OP here. Thanks for the replies, as much as it’s not easy reading them. Like I mentioned, I mean no harm by any of it. I don’t have many friends and REALLY wish I did. It’s hard for me to talk to people. Maybe that’s why the curiosity comes in, and looking people up. Try channeling your curiosity and research itch into looking up/figuring out answers to impersonal questions, such as many of the ones posted here on the SDMB. Yes, it sounds like you might be trying to substitute solitary detective work for personal interactions as a way of getting to know people. As you’ve found, it doesn’t work very well. And it sounds like your lady friend may have overreacted to your well-meant efforts, but cut her some slack, there are a lot of REALLY creepy people out there whom your behavior might be reminding her of. And no, there’s nothing wrong with looking up publicly-available information on people in cases of bereavement, etc., just so you’ll know what sort of potential pitfalls to avoid. You don’t want to be starting a casual discussion about suicide rates with somebody who just lost a family member to suicide, for example. But you should be keeping **all** such information strictly to yourself. Asking a casual acquaintance how their brother is doing, for instance, when they never mentioned to you that they had a brother and you only know it from looking them up on Facebook, would come across as invasive and over-familiar, even though the information is technically public knowledge. Likewise, casual social inquiries about a third party are not a mission directive to obtain the requested information by any means in your power. If something that you don’t know about somebody else is none of your business, just admit you don’t know it because you don’t know that person very well, and leave it at that. The fact that you **can** find out a lot of personal information about strangers doesn’t mean that you **should** , and especially not if you plan to share the information with anybody else. ---
**Author:** ![LiveFree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@LiveFree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveFree)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/37 "2018-06-01T16:42:28Z")
Just to clarify., I did NOT look up his license plate. I only realized what his initials were. I don’t have access to DMV records… And I really do appreciate most of your replies. It has opened my eyes about it and made me think twice. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/38 "2018-06-01T16:44:00Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > That said, if she’s calling you a stalker but still willingly talking to you and asking you questions about people, I’d assume it was more an affectionate nickname. She doesn’t get to tell you that you’re wrong while clearly asking you for info about these people. She’d be just as much a stalker. Yes. “Lady Friend” is asking you about the occupations of random people walking into the gym? You might be a stalker, but she’s a _ **busy-body** _. Same thing, really. Tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/39 "2018-06-01T17:12:04Z")
> [@Jennshark](#): > > . . . for example, someone you cut off in traffic or thought you were cute sitting at a stoplight now has your address, can see if there’s a co-registrant (lack of one could mean not married or living alone), and so on. . . Really? As far as I know–at least here in California–you can’t get that information from a license plate, unless you’re a law enforcement officer. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2018, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231/40 "2018-06-01T17:16:34Z")
> [@LiveFree](#): > > Tell me if you think these are stalking. A lady friend is upset at me and thinks I’m a stalker. The below is over the course of about 6 months. > > An employee at the gym (John)…his father lost his job of about 35 years at one place. This lady wanted to do something nice for John and his family by getting them some gifts/gift certificates last Christmas. Before donating to it, I looked John up on Facebook to see about his family and what the father did for work at the company through the news story. I did NOTHING with the info and never looked any further. > > Another employee at the gym recently lost her 50 yr. old brother. Wasn’t sure how he died. So, I looked him up on Facebook to see what kind of guy he was. I did NOTHING with that afterwards. > > I asked the lady friend about a older guy at the gym and if he was retired. She wasn’t sure. She asked what his last name was, I said “Smith”. I only know that because I could see the computer from the spin bike when he checked in. She asked his age, I said, “I’ll tell you tomorrow”. Tried to look it up, but his name is too common. > > Lady friend asked what the real tall guy “Vern” did for a living. Said, I wasn’t positive who he was. But saw him drive into the parking lot. License plate was VL-\ ***. Not hard to look for local tax assessor records for “Vern L”. Found him, found his Linkedin page. She asked me, I found out and told her. That’s it. \*\* I think she set me up on this one.** > > I mentioned the lady friends age to her once, she didn’t say anything, but apparently I was wrong. > She now calls me a stalker just because I looked these people up online. And it seems that our close friendship is not so close anymore. There is no stalking. This bothers me. I try to be a kind person and empathetic when needed. I don’t follow people or bother anyone. > > Your thoughts. Don’t you occasionally look someone up online? I’m really bad at catching social clues, but it seems she’s just making casual talk along the lines of “Did you see that TV show last night?”. If I say no, then the next time I see her I give her a complete cast history, I can see how it would be seen as “creepy”. If I say “No, I’ll be sure to watch the next episode” or “No, what’s it’s about?”, it’s an opening to further conversation if it’s more than a casual remark or end with “Yeah, hope you enjoy it” or “Well, it was really funny, you should watch it”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-a-stalker/815231.md?page=3)