# I'm not buying you a fucking house **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 16, 2003, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957 "2003-01-16T12:52:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bren_Cameron_1)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/61 "2003-01-16T18:40:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\* > > However, in a court of law, if you were to divorce, how would they work that? > > Say you have no kids, a $200K house, 2 cars. Your personal accounts hold $50K in checking and savings. His hold $18K in checking and savings. > > Wouldn’t you have to split the $68K down the middle because it was all earned during your marriage? \*\* I’m not sure I see how it’s relevant–I’m not planning on getting a divorce. There isn’t even the vaguest prospect of one. So we handle money, and how we consider it to be “owned”, based on the assumption that we’re with each other for life. And how things are split after a divorce vary by state, and by how aggressive your lawyer is (or how aggressive you want to be). Or at least, that’s how I understand it. Relevant to the OP, yes, since there’s some question of how an inheritance would be treated in the event of a divorce (which looks likely, now that we’ve heard from vunderbob himself) vunderbob, I don’t think anyone would dispute that your education is a good way to use this money, or that your mother’s wishes should be respected. But I do think we were kind of taken aback by the venom in the OP. As others have pointed out, the desire for a larger house is not inherently unreasonable, and niether is her suggesting that use for money you’ve inherited. The relationship is clearly a bad one, and I hope things will get better for you. I can’t see all the sides in this, since I’ve read only brief descriptions, but I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t help not to jump to the assumption that your wife is trying to control you any time she makes a request or suggestion? I’m not saying she’s not trying to, but a calm “sorry, no” is a perfectly good answer to a request you don’t want to grant, and getting upset at her behavior is actually, in a way, allowing her to control you. It seems to me you might benefit from stepping back from your reactions a bit, for your own sake. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Defense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Civil\_Defense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Defense)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/62 "2003-01-16T18:47:57Z")
> [@](#): > > Does any of this help? No. As this is in the Pit, I have no qualms about saying that the way you talk about your wife makes you a complete ass. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/63 "2003-01-16T18:56:37Z")
A married couple’s money arrangements are very personal, and if a particular arrangement is working for a couple, then it’s all good. It’s really not for us to judge. When I was a kid and my mom was a stay-at-home mom, she had her own account, and my dad gave her an allowance. That sounds really archaic, but it worked. She paid for groceries and stuff for the kids out of the allowance, and if she didn’t have enough, she asked for more. No biggie. But the arrangement worked because my dad didn’t have to be involved in all of her spending decisions and she didn’t have to ask him for money all the time. I don’t know what the arrangement was once she started working. They’ve been married 39 years and counting. Some of you might criticize their arrangement, but it worked for them. **vunderbob** : I wish you luck. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/64 "2003-01-16T18:57:40Z")
vunderbob, It does sound oh-so-very familiar. Without the kid, you could be my brother in law. And if I ever post a pit rant about my sister in law, it will be of similar content and contain a similar amount of venom. In fact, one of the reasons I haven’t is because all of the really creative vile insults have been used. I hope that, whatever you end up deciding about your marriage, things get better. And I’d still talk to an attorney. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/65 "2003-01-16T19:10:55Z")
Bren-Cameron said, “I’m not sure I see how it’s relevant–I’m not planning on getting a divorce. There isn’t even the vaguest prospect of one. So we handle money, and how we consider it to be “owned”, based on the assumption that we’re with each other for life.” I’m not suggesting you’re headed for a divorce. But in Illinois, I believe anything acquired during the marriage is community property. Including money. (I could be wrong about that.) If “a couple” had their money divided up the way you and your husband do, it might not make a difference whose account its in. That’s all I’m saying. ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/66 "2003-01-16T19:11:38Z")
A couple of thoughts: 1. **Spooge** , **Kalhoun** , and everyone, really: it’s very dangerous to assume anything about what is or isn’t part of a marital estate to be split up on divorce. There are all kinds of possible complications, such as gifts or inheritances to only one spouse, property acquired before the marriage, and so forth. As a lawyer who does _not_ practice in this area, I would never give someone advice on these issues because the consequences of a mistake can be enormous. If you’re thinking about divorce, **vunderbob** , I agree with **Dangerosa** that you really should speak with an Indiana divorce lawyer before accepting any payments out of the inheritance. 1. No, **vunderbob** ’s initial statement wasn’t pretty. Venting in anger never is. But that certainly doesn’t make him an ass; I’m sure there are lots of folks in this world who would deserve every syllable of what he’s saying. And I’m sure there are lots of other folks who are married to them. 2. **Green Bean** ’s advice is, as usual, dead on. Which is why my pet name for her is **Voice of Reason** [sup]TM[/sup]. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/67 "2003-01-16T19:22:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bren\_Cameron \* > \*\* > > But I do think we were kind of taken aback by the venom in the OP. As others have pointed out, the desire for a larger house is not inherently unreasonable, and niether is her suggesting that use for money you’ve inherited. \*\* I’ll grant the venom was more than usual and customary for me. What torqued me off was that she woke up at 6 AM to tell me she stopped to see this house and proceeded to give me the gory details when I was trying to get out the door because I was late for work. And we have been talking about moving, but my firm position is that it is at least a year off (when I finish the current degree, and I can hunt for an out-of-state job). ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/68 "2003-01-16T19:34:37Z")
We have only a joint account… I mean…why have two checking accounts with zero balances? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/69 "2003-01-16T19:37:56Z")
Well, I’d hate to see how you’d react if she did something really horrific! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/70 "2003-01-16T19:39:17Z")
I agree, Opal. It’s just more work recording and balancing and moving money and such. But, like I said before, if it works, it works. I don’t think it could ever work for me. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/71 "2003-01-16T19:46:25Z")
Hubby and I have a joint account because it’s too depressing having two separate accounts with almost nada in them. At least we can feel like we’re rich once in a while by pooling our resources. :😁: ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/72 "2003-01-16T20:08:56Z")
I’m not an expert, but my wife and I are both lawyers, and I inherited a few bucks a couple of years back. Our understanding is that it was my money until I comingled it. Which could be done by depositing cash in a joint account, or retitling securities. But if I kept it in my name only, it would not be considered joint property in the event of a divorce. Same way you retain property you owned prior to a marriage - until you comingle. For some reason she kept asking if I had transferred the securities to joint tenancy! 😉 Just weighing my options, dear! We have a pretty foolproof financial setup. On the one hand we have her money, and all the rest is her money. Works out pretty good. I just gotta stretch my allowance another couple days, is all! Pretty amazing venom by the OP, tho. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/73 "2003-01-16T20:23:24Z")
Kalhoun: moving _what_ money? XJETGIRLX: Exactly! heh ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/74 "2003-01-16T20:28:55Z")
Yeah, I know about broke. We haven’t been broke in quite some time, but I think my husband’s good money management skills have finally rubbed off on me. I used to be pretty bad with money. (feels guilty…wants to transfer money to Opal ;)) ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/75 "2003-01-16T20:52:05Z")
We have joint checking and savings, but we each take out a weekly allowance on Friday for personal spending. And when we get raises, we raise our weekly allowance. I’m not sure if we’ve ever fought about money, since most marital money fights are about “You spend too much money on X,” and not, “You paid the mortgage, you jerk!” ---
**Author:** ![swingchick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@swingchick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swingchick)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/76 "2003-01-16T21:23:54Z")
Thank you so much for helping me realize just how much I love my husband. I have a feeling that if your wife reads this post you won’t have to divorce her. She will do it for you. Marriage is about trust and while it is perfectly okay for couples to maintain seperate bank accounts. Large amounts of money going out should be based on a mutual decision. I’m sure that if you explain to your wife the promise you made to your mom, that she will understand. But not if you explain it in the jack-ass way you wrote the post about her. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/77 "2003-01-16T21:26:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*We have only a joint account… I mean…why have two checking accounts with zero balances? \*\* Heh heh. That’s why we have only one account right now. When I start working again, I’ll re-open my checking account and give my husband, who does the bills, X dollars per month for the household expenses. p.s. Thanks, **Oxy**. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![EasyPhil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47c2d/32.png) [@EasyPhil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EasyPhil)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/78 "2003-01-16T21:28:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by swingchick \* > \*\*Thank you so much for helping me realize just how much I love my husband. I have a feeling that if your wife reads this post you won’t have to divorce her. She will do it for you. > Marriage is about trust and while it is perfectly okay for couples to maintain seperate bank accounts. Large amounts of money going out should be based on a mutual decision. I’m sure that if you explain to your wife the promise you made to your mom, that she will understand. But not if you explain it in the jack-ass way you wrote the post about her. \*\* **swingchick** did you miss this: > [@](#): > > The reference to life insurance is the settlement I got from my mother’s policies. A very sizable portion went up in smoke following a home disaster, buying things of dubious value based on my wife’s gross overestimate of THAT insurance settlement. She talked herself into $250k; we got $30k for a drunk driver parking in our living room. Doesn’t look like it was a mutual decision nor one that was agreed to by the OP. Oh, but wait, he did acquiesce on that, so it’s his fault. ---
**Author:** ![swingchick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@swingchick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swingchick)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/79 "2003-01-16T21:52:42Z")
Fair enough. Doesn’t change the fact you are treating her like shit in this post. Those expenses weren’t mutual. But maybe that is what you have to talk about. You have yet to tell us (unless I missed it, in which case I apologize) whether or not you told your wife of the intended use for the inheritance. IE; your education. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957/80 "2003-01-16T22:07:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\*Well, I’d hate to see how you’d react if she did something really horrific! \*\* IMHO passive aggressive behavior towards spending large amounts of Bob’s money is pretty horrific. I am going to come to Bob’s defense. looking around for cover! Assuming his wife knows the promise that he maide to his mother, she’s being a real ass in trying to spend it according to her priorities. I am married, and sometimes my wife can be an absolutely psychotic female four legged furball. And really, I can be an asshat. To assume that this dude is a bad guy for ranting about his wife is overly judgemental at best. Few of us are the arbiters of perfect marriage. Just because you put a ring on a chick’s finger doesn’t mean that she can no longer be spoken ill of by you. BTW. Heard last night in fatmac98’s house "NO HONEY, I am NOT WATCHING the FUCKING Bachelorette! [size=1]Does that make me a bad guy?[size] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-buying-you-a-fucking-house/148957.md?page=5)