# I'm not gawking at you because you're unattractive, I'm cruising you 'cause you ARE! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 24, 2002, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642 "2002-07-24T21:44:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/21 "2002-07-25T08:04:47Z")
I wouldn’t know. I’m invisable. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/22 "2002-07-25T11:54:17Z")
> [@](#): > > Not cruising them, staring, or otherwise flirting, just having them in his line of sight, cos they were kind of attractive. But one of them got up and let him know that if he didn’t fuck off, they would take him out to a part of town where there were no buses and no way to get back and leave him there. Jiminy Christmas, I can’t imagine cops threatening a civilian just for looking at them!! I certainly hope **Hamish** got some badge numbers memorized and reported to the police chief (_chef des gendarmes_ or whatever you people have up there) for harassment. That’s appalling. Re the OP, I, too,used to think that I was unattractive and unwantable, but that was the result of childhood abuse that (thank Zeus) I finally overcame (mostly). ---
**Author:** ![tevya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@tevya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tevya)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/23 "2002-07-25T12:48:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by apotheosis \* > \*\*I do this too. A childhood of being an overweight, red-headed nerd got me into the habit of assuming any attention I received from my peers was likely to be negative. > > Now I’ve grown up, I’m no longer overweight, and at risk of sounding vain, I’ve been told I’m attractive; however, I still react this way. It’s a knee-jerk reaction – the attention is certainly welcome, but I never really learned how to respond to it. > > IOW, it’s not a matter of me thinking that I’m being stared at because I’m unattractive, it’s a matter of feeling like a clueless doofus who doesn’t know the right response. > > Ah, well. \*\* This is very similar to my story. I wasn’t overweight growing up but I did go through a pretty bad ugly duckling stage. This was compunded by (adult) family members telling me I was ugly / fat / unlikely to ever get a boyfriend / etc. I never really learned how to handle the eye flirt and I always felt clueless about how to respond. I was also slightly afraid that I was misinterpreting a casual glance as a flirt and didn’t want to make a fool of myself by flirting back. Now I’m married and this just adds to the awkwardness. I still like getting the attention, but I have no idea how to respond now. Obviously I don’t flirt back but it just leaves me stumped about what to do in certain situations. For example, I got really girlied up recently to go to dinner with a friend (and have actually begun dressing more girly in general). This garnered more than the usual attention from people. As I was walking down the street, I was nervous about looking at or smiling at people (especially men) for fear I’d be sending off some kind of signal that would spiral into flirting that I would then have no idea how to handle. How do you say : “I’m flattered but not interested in you that way but I’m still a friendly person” with body language? ---
**Author:** ![tevya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@tevya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tevya)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/24 "2002-07-25T12:52:25Z")
And how do you say “Wow, I just hijacked this thread and made it all about me and now feel like an ass”? ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/25 "2002-07-25T14:39:04Z")
Don’t worry about it, **tevya** ; I didn’t feel like you did that. I wasn’t overweight growing up, but I was quite a late bloomer. I didn’t date until I was almost 17, and I’ve had very few boyfriends, only two of which would be considered attractive. (The first guy was a beautiful hardbody, but he was dumb as a box of rocks.) The second one was in English lit. class. I was sitting at the front of the room, and I didn’t know anyone. A girl at the back was answering a question, so I was turned around to listen to her. This absolutely _gorgeous_ guy sitting in front of her kept looking at me, and all I could think of was, “Guys like that don’t look at girls like me.” I assumed he kept looking at me because I was looking at him. About a week later, he asked me out. Turns out he _was_ checking me out! A year later, we got married. Eight years after that, we’re still married. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ouisey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9fc29f/32.png) [@ouisey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouisey)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/26 "2002-07-25T17:29:08Z")
Tevya, Throatshot, I hear you. Although I’ve been told numerous times that I’m a beautiful woman, I still can’t understand the idea that someone might look at me in admiring way. I figure they’re looking at me because you don’t see freaks like me everyday. I think I need some therapy.☹ ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/27 "2002-07-25T17:42:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scott evil \* > \*\*I love cruising guys in the metro… > > What I _don’t_ like is how I react when I’m being cruised by a total troll in a club. I know he’s cruising me, I want nothing to do with him, but I can’t help but keep looking to see if he’s still cruising me, so he thinks I’m cruising him back. \*\* Crap! and here I thought those second looks from the ladies were a good thing. Thank you for fucking up my day **scott evil** 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/28 "2002-07-25T17:47:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MrVisible \* > > We normal mortals aren’t used to talking with people like you. You see, you’re supposed to be out of reach. Impossible, unattainable; the object of fantasies, not a guy to talk to in a bar. Certainly not a guy to take home. Pish tosh. A lovely thought, but hardly true (OK, perhaps for a few souls out there, but I haven’t met them yet.) > [@](#): > > Try and imagine how unsettling it is to be approached by someone who you could never, never in a million years, get up the nerve to approach. I don’t have to imagine - it’s happened to me. It’s unsettling of course, but the fact of the matter is - hey, they just came up and talked to me! Wow! I don’t look for reasons to back out of the conversation just so I can beat myself up about being such a dork later. And I don’t suddenly launch into a tirade of self-doubt. The fact remains - the person I looked at and thought was way out of my league is buying me a drink. Cool! 🆒 > [@](#): > > You might want to try being a little less subtle with the mere mortals. Who says I’m not. 😉 Tact and subtlety have never been my strong points. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/29 "2002-07-25T17:56:14Z")
> [@](#): > > What I don’t like is how I react when I’m being cruised by a total troll in a club. I know he’s cruising me, I want nothing to do with him, but I can’t help but keep looking to see if he’s still cruising me, so he thinks I’m cruising him back That’s abusrd. do what I do when an unattractive guy looks at me; I pay no attention. That usually gives the hint. If he comes up and talks to me, I talk back in a polite, but guarded, fashion. It costs nothing to be nice. If he gets a little forward, I just say that I’m not interested. Of course, following you into the john is just tacky. ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/30 "2002-07-25T17:57:58Z")
> [@](#): > > I don’t have to imagine - it’s happened to me. It’s unsettling of course, but the fact of the matter is - hey, they just came up and talked to me! Wow! I don’t look for reasons to back out of the conversation just so I can beat myself up about being such a dork later. And I don’t suddenly launch into a tirade of self-doubt. The fact remains - the person I looked at and thought was way out of my league is buying me a drink. Cool! 🆒 See…I do all of the bad things. I tend to miss being picked up on because I assume no one could ever possibly be interested in me (I mean, _I’m_ turned off by the way I look, so everyone else must be, too, right? :rolleyes: at self) That, and I’m utterly clueless about human relationships, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/31 "2002-07-25T18:38:21Z")
Wow, if that’s the way it works, I’m pretty glad not to be gay. Staring is rude. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/32 "2002-07-25T19:09:22Z")
Ladies and gentlemen, Space Vampire. Did you miss all the straight people relaying similar stories? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/33 "2002-07-25T19:27:55Z")
From the VERY FIRST GODDAMN SENTENCE OF THE OP: > [@](#): > > Firstly, yes, I’m looking at you - not staring,… ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/34 "2002-07-25T19:31:38Z")
Um, yeah, **Space**. Whatever. :rolleyes: And when people I’m not attracted to hit on me, I take it for what it’s intended to be - a compliment. I don’t get them that often, so even if I’m not going to give him my phone number, that doesn’t mean I have to be mean. (Unless, of course, they’re mean to me. Know what I mean?) Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Hamish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Hamish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamish)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/35 "2002-07-25T19:45:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gobear \* > \*\* > Jiminy Christmas, I can’t imagine cops threatening a civilian just for looking at them!! I certainly hope **Hamish** got some badge numbers memorized and reported to the police chief (_chef des gendarmes_ or whatever you people have up there) for harassment. That’s appalling. > \*\* Well, I didn’t need to. The friend in question got the guy’s name, and his mother lodged a formal complaint. I don’t know how that story ended, because it was just before I left for Montreal (this happened in Vancouver), and I’ve since lost contact with him. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/36 "2002-07-25T20:38:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > \*\*What is? > > Esprix \*\* Men with criminally low self-esteem who cannot take a compliment and assume that there is no way you might desire them. ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/37 "2002-07-25T20:42:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Ladies and gentlemen, Space Vampire. > > Did you miss all the straight people relaying similar stories? \*\* Actually, I was on my way out the door and didn’t have time to read the whole thread, but they don’t seem the same to me. If anybody looked at me the way Esprix apparently does- and feels people should respond positively to- I would probably leave or relocate myself. Come to think of it, I have. If that’s a typical come-on among gay males I’m happy to not have to deal with it, that’s all. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/38 "2002-07-25T20:42:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Esprix \* > **And I don’t suddenly launch into a tirade of self-doubt. The fact remains - the person I looked at and thought was way out of my league is buying me a drink. Cool! 🆒** I launch into a tirade of self doubt (of course, I don’t get drinks bought for me - that might be part of it.) But, since generally people (especially attractive people) looking at me longer than necessary really is/was gawking or was followed by teasing, or snickering, or insults, or pointing and muttering, when someone does it, I tend to wonder what is wrong with me _this_ time and to start looking for escape routes. Indirect is bad, very bad. Direct will still make me wonder what is really going on, but is much less bad than indirect. ---
**Author:** ![apotheosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba8739/32.png) [@apotheosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apotheosis)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/39 "2002-07-25T21:32:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Space Vampire \* > **Actually, I was on my way out the door and didn’t have time to read the whole thread, but they don’t seem the same to me.** Well allow me to put a pin in that assumption: I’m quite definitely heterosexual, thanks for asking. > [@](#): > > **I would probably leave or relocate myself. Come to think of it, I have.** Goody for you. What if you WELCOMED the attention, but weren’t sure how to respond? I’m sure you don’t have that problem; though judging by your initial response, a bit of indecision might do you a world of good if the alternative is leaping to an incorrect conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![apotheosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba8739/32.png) [@apotheosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apotheosis)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2002, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642/40 "2002-07-25T21:42:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Space Vampire \* > **Actually, I was on my way out the door and didn’t have time to read the whole thread, but they don’t seem the same to me.** Well allow me to put a pin in that assumption: I’m quite definitely heterosexual, thanks for asking. > [@](#): > > **I would probably leave or relocate myself. Come to think of it, I have.** Goody for you. What if you WELCOMED the attention, but weren’t sure how to respond? I’m sure you don’t have that problem; though judging by your initial response, a bit of indecision might do you a world of good if the alternative is leaping to an incorrect conclusion. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-gawking-at-you-because-youre-unattractive-im-cruising-you-cause-you-are/120642.md?page=3)