# I'm not giving up my seat **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 16, 2013, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431 "2013-01-16T22:34:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/281 "2013-01-17T21:37:14Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > “Am Not” isn’t really proof of anything, is it? I’m flattered that you value my opinion so highly though. What proof is she supposed to offer?? I doubt signed statements are available. I think it is highly unfair to accuse someone of lying when you have no proof that they are, and when there is no proof to be offered in their defense. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/282 "2013-01-17T21:41:34Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > But again, the net effect would be the same - she’d lose the buffer seats. So why not just move over so everyone is happy? Everyone’s not happy. She felt like the people asking were rude both in the manner and timing of the question (I happen to agree with her, although obviously a lot of folks in this thread don’t), so she chose not to accommodate their request. As has been pointed out many, many times, she could have chosen to be nicer, but she didn’t. The net effect of someone in her frame of mind is different, having turned down a request, politely but firmly, versus having (mildly) inconvenienced herself on behalf of someone she felt was being rude. As **jsgoddess** pointed out upthread, I think the disconnect for a lot of us comes from whether or not we thought the initial asking was inappropriate under the circumstances. So long as we disagree about that, we aren’t ever going to come to the same conclusion about the OP’s actions. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/283 "2013-01-17T21:41:58Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Interesting analogy. I spend a lot of time on the subway, as well. I really, really despise being trapped in the inside seat, so I’ll always sit on the outside. If someone wants to sit next to me, I will shift so that they can get by me, but I don’t scoot over. I am offering them the open seat. I’m not offering them MY seat just because they would prefer it (and yes, I make an exception if I happen to be sitting in the “handicap preferred” seating, so let’s not go down that road). If I get on the subway and the only seats available are inside seats, I will either suck it up and sit on the inside, or I’ll just stand. I have never asked anyone to scoot over on my behalf, and I doubt I ever would. I don’t have any interest in making my preference someone else’s problem. > > The OP has not made any claims about preventing people from sitting in the buffer seats around her. That is not the same thing as having to change seats on someone else’s behalf. The OP is purposefully making the seats less useful in hopes that they will stay empty. I’d say it’s fine if nobody calls you on it, but if someone wants to use the seat, you move. I’d assume on the subway you keep open body language as the train gets crowded so people understand the seat is available, and you stand to let people in rather than making them squat over you. That’s a different beast than the people who are figuring if they sit on the outside, people won’t have the balls to ask to sit in their row and they’ll game an open seat on a crowded train. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/284 "2013-01-17T21:43:00Z")
When I read the OP my gut reaction is that they should have moved over one seat. On the other hand, my wife and I had a very similar situation and I refused to move, just like the OP. The only difference was there were three people together and they wanted us to move two seats over. We got there early to get a good center seat and then latecomers wanted us to move out of the center so they could have it. It made no sense to me then and it still doesn’t make any sense. Do people really fell like they can point at a seat with people in it and expect them to get out? Apparently so, because we could hear them loudly cussing us as they were forced to sit three rows closer to the front so they could all be together. It’s not like we chose the have empty seats beside us, the other people who came in later made that choice. And I’ve spent my time in front row, far left seats and we’ve watched plenty of movies sitting separately. We are late a lot and we never ask others to give up their seats for us. It’s embarrassing enough that we are shuffling down the rows while others at trying to watch a movie. ---
**Author:** ![sachertorte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sachertorte/32/3727_2.png) [@sachertorte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sachertorte)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/285 "2013-01-17T21:43:43Z")
What I don’t understand is why did the second couple need to have those particular seats. I doubt those two seats were the only pair of singletons left in the theater. So after the OP declined, why the fuck didn’t they ask someone else to move for them? One row up? Two rows down? No. The new couple were clearly assholes. The pile on the OP is surprising to me. If moving seats for someone else after the movie has already started is such a common thing, then someone else in the theater certainly would have moved for the new couple, right? So why didn’t that happen? _Case A: They didn’t ask anyone else._ Looks like an asshole move to me. They fixated on a particular set of seats AND a particular person to move for them. _Case B: No one else would move._ Then the OP is in numerous company and operating along the social norm of her movie theater. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/286 "2013-01-17T21:46:00Z")
> [@Otara](#): > > Standing up, the horror. > > If sickness was your only concern a/ 3 feet make little to no real difference and b/you could have moved to the empty rows if that was such a concern. Your concern was to not share space, not to avoid infection. > > I’ve never seen anyone refuse to move over in a theatre unless reserving space for someone. Maybe it’s different elsewhere, but you would be the one acting outside social norms in my area. They obviously reacted badly, but they shouldn’t have had to worry about reacting badly in the first place. > > Otara The problem with your analysis, Otara, is that it shifts the blame from the persons who began the incivil enoucnter to their victims. By your logic the rude and obnoxious would get everything they want at all times, because the act of making a request would obligate the other person to grant that. That is manifestedly unfair, and overall bad for society. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/287 "2013-01-17T21:46:14Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The OP is purposefully making the seats less useful in hopes that they will stay empty. Can you elaborate on this statement? What did the OP do in order to make those seats less useful? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/288 "2013-01-17T21:49:12Z")
What the heck would you expect? Them to stand at the front of the theater and shout “Hey everyone! We are looking for a seat together that doesn’t crick up our necks, so can we get a show of hands who would volunteer to consolidate?” They were probably trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, picking out a likely looking row and assuming the scoot would happen and the whole thing would be over in five seconds with no need for complex negotiations. It’s a fairly normal, everyday transaction and the couple probably didn’t think they’d need to survey multiple rows, etc. Have you ever _been_ to the movies? ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/289 "2013-01-17T21:50:17Z")
**even sven,** the OP stated that the others around her left the buffer seats. She didn’t purposefully make them less useful, they did. She and companion were first to sit in their row. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/290 "2013-01-17T21:55:45Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > What the heck would you expect? \ > > They were probably trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, picking out a likely looking row and assuming the scoot would happen and the whole thing would be over in five seconds with no need for complex negotiations. It’s a fairly normal, everyday transaction and the couple probably didn’t think they’d need to survey multiple rows, etc. > > Have you ever _been_ to the movies? I would expect them to sit in the copious empty seats. No, they weren’t trying to be unobtrusive. We know that from the fussing and texting. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/291 "2013-01-17T21:57:59Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Everyone’s not happy. She felt like the people asking were rude both in the manner and timing of the question (I happen to agree with her, although obviously a lot of folks in this thread don’t), so she chose not to accommodate their request. As has been pointed out many, many times, she could have chosen to be nicer, but she didn’t. The net effect of someone in her frame of mind is different, having turned down a request, politely but firmly, versus having (mildly) inconvenienced herself on behalf of someone she felt was being rude. > > As **jsgoddess** pointed out upthread, I think the disconnect for a lot of us comes from whether or not we thought the initial asking was inappropriate under the circumstances. So long as we disagree about that, we aren’t ever going to come to the same conclusion about the OP’s actions. True, it comes down to particulars. And I have to say if I was late-coming couple, I’d quickly scan ther almost-full back rows and just settle down in one of the front five, rather than expecting other people to accomodate my late ass. I suppose it comes down to how strongly one feels one has to piss on and own the seats they chose in a _public space_. If the initial request from late-comer couple was reasonably polite I really can’t imagine holding my ground about seats that a: do not belong to me in any way and b: I only paid for one seat; your taking this seat in any configuration is going to mean I have someone sitting in my buffer zone one way or another and c: this is really not a hill I see worth dying on because I have more important battles in my life. Take the fucking seat, it’s only a (public, did I mention public) movie. I simply don’t care that much. It’s not like someone is forcing themselves into my living room and demanding to sit on my couch for a movie. It’s public space. You give some, you take some, and it’s civilized to avoid conflict. ---
**Author:** ![sachertorte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sachertorte/32/3727_2.png) [@sachertorte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sachertorte)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/292 "2013-01-17T22:00:01Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > What the heck would you expect? Them to stand at the front of the theater and shout “Hey everyone! We are looking for a seat together that doesn’t crick up our necks, so can we get a show of hands who would volunteer to consolidate?” > > They were probably trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, picking out a likely looking row and assuming the scoot would happen and the whole thing would be over in five seconds with no need for complex negotiations. It’s a fairly normal, everyday transaction and the couple probably didn’t think they’d need to survey multiple rows, etc. > > Have you ever _been_ to the movies? Based on the OP, the new couple were being anything but unobtrusive. If they were able to find the OP without violating mysterious and arbitrary lines of politeness, they should be able to ask someone else too. Apparently, that didn’t happen. You don’t wonder why? I suppose it is possible that the OP was sitting in the only singleton pair in the entire theater, but given that she was in a primo row having arrived 30 minutes early, I’m guessing the less primo rows had singletons too. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/293 "2013-01-17T22:00:41Z")
The OP was acting like a giant dickhead, end of story. Anyone who disagrees either is a dickhead too, or doesn’t go outside enough to know what the rest of us all call well-adjusted social behaviors. “Oh, MOL, you’re the authority on what proper social behaviors are?” Yes. It’s common when there are two non-adjacent seats at any place, whether it’s fetching a seat at the theatre, stools at the bar, wherever, to ask someone to move over. I’ve asked people to do this, and every single time, they have happily done so. Now all of those smiles might have been phony, but I’ll reckon not considering whenever someone asks me to move, I gladly do the same. Number of times this kind of thing has come up: Too many to count. Number of times someone has actually said no: Zero. If someone refuses, that just means they’re a petulant little dickface. Yeah, I know. You were concerned about the girl with the cold. You’re the Germ Police. Got it. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/294 "2013-01-17T22:01:53Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > **even sven,** the OP stated that the others around her left the buffer seats. She didn’t purposefully make them less useful, they did. She and companion were first to sit in their row. Yes, and then she was asked if one member of her party could make a very minor adjustment which would move the seats from being relatively useless single seats to much more useful pairs. The OP said no, and it is because she was hoping that by keeping the seats as undesirable singles, nobody would want to sit there. This whole drama wasn’t about moving or colds or being “settled in” or anything like that. She did not want other people to sit in those seats, and she did her damned to make sure that didn’t happen. Again, if my buddies want to take up entire rows with one of us in every other seat, is that cool? Of course not. You have an obligation to consolidate, upon request, if your row is filling up. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/295 "2013-01-17T22:12:24Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > What proof is she supposed to offer?? I doubt signed statements are available. I think it is highly unfair to accuse someone of lying when you have no proof that they are, and when there is no proof to be offered in their defense. That’s kind of my point. She said that she’d refuted me and asked why I hadn’t replied, so I’m pointing out that her just refuting something doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It doesn’t mean I’m right either. ---
**Author:** ![sachertorte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sachertorte/32/3727_2.png) [@sachertorte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sachertorte)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/296 "2013-01-17T22:17:43Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Again, if my buddies want to take up entire rows with one of us in every other seat, is that cool? Of course not. You have an obligation to consolidate, upon request, if your row is filling up. Your example is not analogous. The OP and her boyfriend did not sit apart from each other. Intentionally creating singleton seats within your own party is a dick move. Willingness to consolidate later has no bearing on the offense. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/297 "2013-01-17T22:19:03Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yeah, I know. You were concerned about the girl with the cold. You’re the Germ Police. Got it. Hey, that extra 18 inches really makes a difference. ---
**Author:** ![l1I235](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@l1I235](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/l1I235)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/298 "2013-01-17T22:19:05Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > That’s kind of my point. She said that she’d refuted me and asked why I hadn’t replied, so I’m pointing out that her just refuting something doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It doesn’t mean I’m right either. So, you like randomly accusing people of lying, as if that makes you argument more valid. You are basically trying to discredit me. That’s great… \* She’s a liar too! So she must be even more wrong!\* Nothing I have written is a lie. I have no reason to make things up. ---
**Author:** ![l1I235](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@l1I235](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/l1I235)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/299 "2013-01-17T22:24:31Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > **even sven,** the OP stated that the others around her left the buffer seats. She didn’t purposefully make them less useful, they did. She and companion were first to sit in their row. This. I have stated so many times in this thead. I did nothing to block the seats, they were empty. If they had sat in them, I would not have cared. Hence why I said they were unoccupied, when the couple asked (both times, including after the woman got annoyed with me). Perhaps I should have entered Bob’s world where I am lying non stop, and said the chairs were taken. For being honest, I am getting the reward of…being called a liar. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2013, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431/300 "2013-01-17T22:27:05Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > Sure it is. If you’re not going to have the screen take up your entire field of vision, why not stay home and wait for the DVD? Damn straight. I wonder at folks who go to the movies and sit in the last row – why bother? So to sum up my reactions/habits after reading through the thread: 1. I prefer the third or fourth row, depending which theater it is, middle aisle. 1a) This, and my getting there early, usually preclude any requests to move. But if it made my seat worse (aka, farther from the middle) I would not do it. 2. If I come into a crowded theater, there is no way in the world I would ask someone to move out of their seat. I feel bad enough on those rare occasions when I misjudge how popular a show will be and have to squeeze by people, but I would never do even that after the show has started. 3. Texting during a movie is an abomination. 4. Assigned seats are something I never knew existed and now dearly wish I could have. Anecdote is I went to the Uptown in DC to see The Sound of Music. I got there one hour early just to get the exact right row, exactly in the middle. And when I was asked to move over, yeah, I said no. There was no way I was moving. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-not-giving-up-my-seat/647431.md?page=16)