# I'm so screwed (and not literally) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 7, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048 "2003-09-07T05:07:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/21 "2003-09-08T02:05:07Z")
Question: If she did nearly everything **but** vaginal intercourse with some guy before you, would that still set off that “throes of passion” cringe with you? Why or why not? As **Jodi** points out, it can be tough to figure out what you’re getting beforehand, too. Once it gets to the point of inquiring about sexual background, you’re probably nearly in the sack anyway - and I know that if I’d run into a guy who was shocked that I’d been with some other guy before, he’d be lucky if the worst that happened to him was a physical ejection from the bed. ---
**Author:** ![SuperNova](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SuperNova](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuperNova)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/22 "2003-09-08T02:44:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ferret Herder \* > \*\*You might not be really ready for sex, then, if you can’t deal with the idea that at one time in the past your lover was with someone else. See, at that point she’s with _you_ and that should be what’s important. It’s not like she’s going to run off and be with that other guy after she’s done with you, now is she? That “thought of my SO in the throes of passion” bit is normally said by people who’ve been cheated on, and you haven’t been cheated on if the other guy was around _before she even knew you existed_. > \*\* Very well put. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/23 "2003-09-08T03:56:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ferret Herder \* > \*\*Question: If she did nearly everything **but** vaginal intercourse with some guy before you, would that still set off that “throes of passion” cringe with you? Why or why not? > \*\* Urr…yeah, probably.:o ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/24 "2003-09-08T03:59:09Z")
Oh…you wanted a reason too. Well…if intercourse is a problem, then why wouldn’t the fact that the girl has sucked dick before _not_ be a problem. _hoo boy…im probably making enemies here reeeeeal fast ☹_ ---
**Author:** ![Kayeby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de0a6/32.png) [@Kayeby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kayeby)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/25 "2003-09-08T04:58:16Z")
What if she has masturbated while thinking of another guy prior to meeting you? In your OP you mention that you “have to wait” for sex - out of curiosity is it because you’ve never had the opportunity or is it because you’ve never had the right girl? If at 16, a gorgeous and sexually experienced girl had wanted to have sex with you, would you have slept with her? Because I’m finding it a little confusing - you’re bemoaning your virginal state but simultaneously making it more difficult for yourself to lose your virginity. I’m not saying to go out and find anyone willing to sleep with you, but if you meet someone nice who has _shock_ given a blowjob in the past, are you really going to pass up the opportunity to have sex and possibly a great relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/26 "2003-09-08T10:21:51Z")
Cut the guy a break, he hasn’t gotten laid in over 18 years. In all honesty, the best way to make yourself forget about a partner’s past lovers is to make her forget about them. When you’ve got her moaning about how good YOU make her feel, the last guy won’t seem like such a big deal to you anymore. Just go in to the whole situation enthusiastic and ready to learn, not just for yourself, but for her, as well. ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/27 "2003-09-08T11:02:53Z")
I’m a 19 year old virgin, by choice. Reading over this thread I am going to say something, and I am hoping I don’t get flamed in response because I will qualify and clarify it. I think that the more “gorgeous” the girl the more likely her not being a virign. NOW - before the flames come rolling in, it goes the same for guys - the more “gorgeous” they are, the less likely they are to be virgin. Not to say they aren’t going to be, and not to say you won’t ever find a super model virgin. But from what I’ve seen the people who work hardest to keep in physical shape tend to attract partners and enjoy the attention to their bodies, which can often lead to arousal and ergo often sex. As I said, this statement is unfair because I know it isn’t necessarily true - but if you’re looking for an 18 year old virgin girl who could walk the catwalk then you’re in for a hunt. Now, I won’t say anything and I don’t think anyone has a right to really say anything about what your dreams are, dreams are there for us to seek and attain one day. But all the while you must remember that the grass is proverbally greener on the other proverbial side. And I’m spent. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/28 "2003-09-08T11:56:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AngelicGemma \* > \*\*I think this is a completly immature attitude. And I’m sorry, I just don’t think you’re ready to have sex. I mean this in the kindest way, one 18 year old to another, but leave it for a few years. \*\* You took the words right out of my mouth. ---
**Author:** ![fizzygoodmakefeelnice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8491ac/32.png) [@fizzygoodmakefeelnice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizzygoodmakefeelnice)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/29 "2003-09-08T14:35:12Z")
Also, you’re determined not to be reassured by people who might actually know what they’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/30 "2003-09-08T15:24:58Z")
I’ll say this once, and maybe it will alleviate your stress somewhat. Never learn to drive from a person who doesn’t have a license. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/31 "2003-09-08T15:52:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey \* > \*\*Yes, or I could fail at that and then two or three years down the road if the relationship doesn’t last I won’t be remembered for anything. At least you’re guarenteed to be remembered if you’re the first. \*\* What you don’t understand is that if you go into it with the right attitude, you _can’t_ fail. If you are open about your inexperience and eager to learn, you’ll be both great and memorable. Not because you’ll magically know exactly the right things to do, but because you’ll make her more comfortable by being confident enough in yourself to tell her she’s your first and because if you have a willingness to learn you’ll quickly surpass the “experienced” guys your age. Trust me, it’s true. It’s all attitude. You’ve got to chill out. Recognize that getting upset about imagined encounters with ex-lovers is your mind fucking with you – it’s only going to make you miserable if you don’t learn to control it now. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/32 "2003-09-08T16:48:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by fizzygoodmakefeelnice \* > \*\*Also, you’re determined not to be reassured by people who might actually know what they’re talking about. \*\* When did I ever say I wasn’t taking this advice to heart? The only other posts I made besides the original were to answer questions about my feelings on certain situations. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zenham \* > **Never learn to drive from a person who doesn’t have a license.** Wow, another “sex is like a car” reference. So are you saying that I _should_ treat women like objects? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/33 "2003-09-08T16:57:29Z")
Here’s a radical idea: How about learning to like a particular woman as a person first and seeing where that takes you? That might get you past the idea that your first encounter has to be with someone who’s spent her first 18 years in some kind of sexual shrink wrap. Sorry, but the whole “damaged goods” mentality just galls me. Would you feel the same way about a woman who’d traveled or read more than you have? Sex is a way of giving each other pleasure and expressing affection–it’s not a competition. ---
**Author:** ![Plankspanker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Plankspanker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plankspanker)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/34 "2003-09-08T17:00:20Z")
oh christ… ffs man, as a 19 year old who has very little experience (and none of it so far short of terrifying), i’ll tell it to ya straight. there are way more cosmic things to worry about while you’re at college than if the girl you get it together with is a virgin or not. If she actually cares for you, then it wont matter how many/few times either of you have got laid before. she’ll respect that it’s your first time… am i the only teenager left that actually wants a relationship, not to get laid??? ---
**Author:** ![Plankspanker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Plankspanker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plankspanker)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/35 "2003-09-08T17:09:22Z")
oh, and btw, trust me, having lost my virginity to a virgin, it’s no fun at all… ---
**Author:** ![austen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@austen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/austen)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/36 "2003-09-08T17:50:58Z")
Yeah, man, if you’re this worked up about your first time, how are you going to react down the road when you’re actually in a relationship? Seriously, if you’re worrying about it this much, it’s probably coming off of you in unknown vibes - and girls can sense that kind of stuff a mile off. I think by setting it up to be this end-all and be-all thing, that has to be so perfect and to the letter in you mind, you’re probably setting yourself up for a BIG letdown. And unconsciously fending off the scarce Drexel wimmins to boot. I thought that I too was the last American Virgin at 18, but it was far from the truth. For my first time, I would have loved it to be in a fluffy bed, with candles and soft, romantic music playing in the background. Instead it was on a bed hung from the wall by chains in a dorm room with Metallica playing _Enter Sandman_ and mood lighting from his alarm clock. Was it great? Nope - it was awful. Was he a virgin - nope. Would it it really made much difference - nope. Did it get better - yes, both with him and eventually, after that relationship ended, with other partners, too. So - relax - focus on that if and when you find a special someone, she will quite possibly already be digging you a lot, and if she wants to share that very special act with you, it’s a bonus of the best kind. FOR YOU BOTH. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/37 "2003-09-08T17:55:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Wow, another “sex is like a car” reference. So are you saying that I should treat women like objects? :rolleyes: Maybe in your spankin’ new college English class, they’ll cover “analogies.” But you do puzzle me. My limited experience of 18 year old boys (and here I’m going waaaay back to when I was a 16-20 year old girl) indicated that they’d pretty much sleep with any reasonably attractive willing girl, virtually no questions asked. It’s a little disheartening, frankly, to speak to a _discerning_ 18 year old boy and find that he’s being discerning about something so incredibly stupid. Not “Are we compatible?” or “Is she the sort of person I’d like to have a very intimate experience with?” but “who has she been with before, and what are the dirty details?” Count me as another person who doesn’t think you’re mature enough to have sex. ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/38 "2003-09-08T18:20:50Z")
Well, on the down side, no one ever seems to appreciate my analogies. On the up side, I think I want to have sex with all of these wonderfully mature people. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/39 "2003-09-08T18:21:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*It’s a little disheartening, frankly, to speak to a _discerning_ 18 year old boy and find that he’s being discerning about something so incredibly stupid. Not “Are we compatible?” or “Is she the sort of person I’d like to have a very intimate experience with?” but “who has she been with before, and what are the dirty details?” > > Count me as another person who doesn’t think you’re mature enough to have sex. \*\* Those are questions I will ask myself. I don’t want to find some random virgin to have sex with. I. AM. LOOKING. FOR. A. RELATIONSHIP. But the virgin question is something that pops into my mind too. And maybe if _EVERYONE_ waited until they were mature to have sex for the first time, there would be a HELL of a lot more virgins. Some people have come in here and given me honest advice about my problem, which I am taking to heart, while there are those of you who have come in here and attacked me. Fuck off. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2003, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048/40 "2003-09-08T18:42:17Z")
MONKEY – > [@](#): > > I don’t want to find some random virgin to have sex with. I. AM. LOOKING. FOR. A. RELATIONSHIP. But the virgin question is something that pops into my mind too. The question you have not been successful in answering, is “why”? Why is “the virgin question” something you care about at all? If the person you’re with is decent and caring and generally deserving of your affections, who are you to demand that her past be as perfectly uneventful as yours has been to date? > [@](#): > > And maybe if EVERYONE waited until they were mature to have sex for the first time, there would be a HELL of a lot more virgins. Well, yes. Obviously. Less sex = more virgins. But so what? You don’t get to dictate when people take that big step. That’s a decision you only get to make for yourself. Some people are ready to become sexually active at 16; some aren’t ready at 30. Every person is different, and every person’s experience will be different. It is not rational – and not fair – for you to demand that everyone else, or indeed anyone else, have the exact same experience you have. > [@](#): > > Some people have come in here and given me honest advice about my problem, which I am taking to heart, while there are those of you who have come in here and attacked me. Fuck off. Watch yer language in MPSIMS, sir. I’m not a moderator, but the very established party line is that if you want to swear at people, then take it to the Pit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-screwed-and-not-literally/200048.md?page=3)