# I'm so upset I can't even think of a proper Pit title (ed: cheating ex and STD) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 11, 2012, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144 "2012-01-11T07:38:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/161 "2012-01-28T14:17:29Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > I really thought I was going to die in that bathroom. Well, not die die, but be permanently mortified. It was horrible. I feel like now is not the time to burn bridges with D. If it makes you feel better, I’m not saying that you need to think of him as a horrific monster who you have to shun forever. You **do** need to think of him as an extremely immature and usually very selfish individual. Being there for you right now is the **expected** thing, not a special act. So be kind to yourself when you’re glad that he’s there. It’s not something to be grateful for, just appreciative of. It’s ok to accept his help now and not trust him with an intimate relationship in the future. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/162 "2012-01-28T15:40:06Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Thank you. I know people, but I keep so many things personal. I really did have a year of…silence. And anxiety, too - I mean, I have such extreme anxiety, I figured if I stopped _trying_ to be normal and have friends, I’d be happier. And it works - til I realize I’m extremely friendless. > > I really thought I was going to die in that bathroom. Well, not die die, but be permanently mortified. It was horrible. I feel like now is not the time to burn bridges with D. > > Everything is so confusing. I feel like a little kid most of the time. I feel…helpless…and silly…and scared. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Something to think about… if you have no real support system in place, it’s going to make it really, really hard to be a single, new-mom (with another child already)… {hugs} ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/163 "2012-01-28T19:22:25Z")
I agree with the comment to think of it as expected that he would be there for you at a time like this, not some kind of huge favor. I am wondering what your relationship with your son’s dad was like. If you have a pattern of getting into relationships with guys who are emotionally absent or make you feel shitty about yourself, then it’s probably important to try to work out what you can do differently to stop the pattern. As for the pregnancy issue, if the comments about him paying you 3K to have an abortion were serious and not some kind of dark humor, I would suggest trying to work out how much child support you would be entitled to over the course of 18 years before accepting his “generous” offer. I suspect that 3K would be letting him off pretty easy by comparison. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of this decision, so I would recommend not letting his selfish desire to just be done with the whole thing pressure you into agreeing to a hasty abortion if you do feel that it goes against what you think is right. Pro-choice means it’s supposed to be your choice, not his, right? I know that most people on this site support abortion, but I also know that there are a lot of people on here who would support you if it turned out that you do want to try to make things work with a new baby. It’s not like you have to have every detail figured out today. You can take it one step at a time. First step is finding out if the pregnancy is ectopic or not. Then you can go from there in deciding the next steps. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/164 "2012-01-28T20:28:56Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > As for the pregnancy issue, if the comments about him paying you 3K to have an abortion were serious and not some kind of dark humor, I would suggest trying to work out how much child support you would be entitled to over the course of 18 years before accepting his “generous” offer. I suspect that 3K would be letting him off pretty easy by comparison. > You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of this decision, so I would recommend not letting his selfish desire to just be done with the whole thing pressure you into agreeing to a hasty abortion if you do feel that it goes against what you think is right. Pro-choice means it’s supposed to be your choice, not his, right? > I know that most people on this site support abortion, but I also know that there are a lot of people on here who would support you if it turned out that you do want to try to make things work with a new baby. It’s not like you have to have every detail figured out today. You can take it one step at a time. First step is finding out if the pregnancy is ectopic or not. Then you can go from there in deciding the next steps. Good luck. I’m pro-choice, and I endorse this message. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/165 "2012-01-28T20:52:42Z")
There’s another side ti this. Have a baby and this dude is the father. That means you’re never rid of him from your life. All his craziness and unreliability and everything become a permanent part of your life, especially if you intend to pursue child support. If one thing is clear, it’s that you want shot of this asshole and as cleanly and quickly as possible. If you have his baby, consider whether you want to continue to let him make your and your childrens’ lives miserable. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/166 "2012-01-28T20:53:28Z")
This month has made me strongly consider becoming a functioning alcoholic. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/167 "2012-01-28T20:54:33Z")
Or she delivers the baby and finds a nice adoptive family. Could go any of a number of ways, really, and they’re all perfectly valid choices. Still. First step, find out if it’s ectopic. Try not to (yeah, right!) stress about your choice until you know if there is a choice to be made. {{{{{hugs}}}}} ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/168 "2012-01-28T21:08:32Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > If he’s adamant about not wanting the child, and you both agree that an abortion is the way you should go, then he should be driving you home from the clinic. You really want to mess around with a DIY option when you’ve potentially got an ectopic pregnancy going on? This. And if you don’t get him to do it, then I’m going to have to believe all of this is just bullshit. You simply CANNOT be so stupid. I feel for you; I’ve been there, minus the overly-dependant-on-a-douche part. Get the clinical abortion, sleep for a couple of days, and then move the fuck on. Anything else and you’re only bringing it all down on yourself. Edit to add: how the hell do you not know by now whether it’s ectopic? Edited again for overly boring swear words. Sorry, but this is really cheesing me off. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/169 "2012-01-28T21:13:59Z")
1. He’s willing to drive me to any doc appt. He’s also willing to help out when I’m stuck vomiting after a meeting. 2. He doesn’t want the child. 3. He’s possibly being very nice so I abort it. 4. I don’t know because at 5-6 weeks, it may or may not be visible on an ultrasound. 😕 The last time I went, the ultrasound was inconclusive. They found a corpus leutem cyst but no fetus. So the doc said I may be “less pregnant” than originally thought, did some blood testing, and said if my hormone levels are at 1500 by Monday, SOMETHING has to be visible on the ultrasound. And they should be high enough. 5. I hate the wait as well. edit: 6. Abortion clinics won’t do one until it’s visible on an ultrasound b/c they want to rule out ectopics. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/170 "2012-01-28T21:21:47Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > I know you all want an update. I had a positive pregnancy test and the doc is suspecting an ectopic re: nothing on the ultrasound and the Chlamydia infection. I’ve been in constant pain, ER twice, yadda yadda. I > [@CitizenPained](#): > > I’m an idiot. And a pregnant one. He did go to the ER with me 3 times and help with Little CP and was overall wonderful. Did you go to the ER twice? Or 3 times? I’m just surprised that you could have that many ER visits in so short a time and no one would be able to figure out what’s up with this pregnancy. What did they do for you at the ER? ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/171 "2012-01-28T21:31:07Z")
Alright then, you’re doing what you can. Like I said, been there, done that. But call it quits after this is over, or else it’s all on you. You already have some problems with your plumbing that might follow you around, but ffs PROTECT YOURSELF. That means using condoms; trust has nothing to do with it…trust me. 😉 Hey, you want stupid-naive-young-idiot story? I got both chlamydia and genital warts from a guy who OBVIOUSLY HAD WARTS. I just thought he had a bumpy wang, 'cause hey, I’d not been around enough to know that varieties of peni do not include WARTS. /facepalm Sex ed really needs to be, you know, more educational. Like…USEFUL. Of course this was decades ago; I sure hope sex ed has evolved from ‘Get married, have sex, get pregnant, have babies, yay!’ ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/172 "2012-01-28T21:35:17Z")
Oops; sorry. I was in the ER 2x for the pregnancy issues. The doctor’s office 1x, blood draws 2x. (I’m having a hard time remembering now.) But the ER definitely twice - that’s where the two ultrasounds were done. Then there was the first PP exam, where she said my right ovary (ow!) was enlarged. I was having cramps then and was worried about PID, but that was ruled out. In the ER…the first time I had morphine. The second Dilauded (sp?). They did ultrasounds and pushed on my stomach and did pelvics. All which hurt. First ultrasound was normal. Second showed CL cyst, no fetus. Monday should be pretty conclusive. I hope. I’m worried they’ll say…“Well…come back in two more days _just in case_” or some such. The date of my LMP was Dec. 18thish. That puts me at +/- 6 weeks. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/173 "2012-01-29T00:24:39Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > If it makes you feel better, I’m not saying that you need to think of him as a horrific monster who you have to shun forever. You **do** need to think of him as an extremely immature and usually very selfish individual. Being there for you right now is the **expected** thing, not a special act. > > So be kind to yourself when you’re glad that he’s there. It’s not something to be grateful for, just appreciative of. It’s ok to accept his help now and not trust him with an intimate relationship in the future. I just add to this that generally, we don’t reward people for meeting the expected minimum standard of decency. That’s just what people do. Him giving your son a ride when his alien is causing you to be so sick you think you’re doing is not exactly honorary and special behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/174 "2012-01-29T00:50:50Z")
I agree. I guess I’m trying to be fair in regards to judging his dickheadedness. I feel weird today. More and more depressed…nothing seems to excite me: not watching\* Entourage\* online, shopping, going out to eat, even taking a shower. And I weirdly feel…_not_ attached to the alien with the heartbeat. I don’t even feel like it’s there. Is this normal? I feel nauseated and I stink and need a shower. I promised my son that we’d go to a Mexican restaurant tonight and eveytime I get out of bed, I’m hit with a sort of drained/dizzy/exhausted feeling and then I just crawl right back in. I forced myself to take us to Sonic for milkshakes (told him I wasn’t feeling very well) and we’ll shoot for Mexican tomorrow. He’s happily slurping one and doesn’t appear bothered. I feel alien myself. And I don’t feel pregnant. Not sure how pregnant I felt before - wasn’t wanting to have the baby, but was fighting feelings of maternalness/guilt/weirdness - but there was a “thing” that made me feel “not normal”. There was a heightened sense of “me”. And now my “not normal” is more like “blaaaaaaaah”. I’m posting on the Dope to keep from going crazy. I feel so freakishly bored that staying awake is torturous. **I appreciate everyone posting in this thread.** I know I’m whining and being a kid, but maybe I don’t get to do that enough. I’m always taking care of everyone else. It does not help that when D. is being nice and helping out with things (as he **should** ), it makes me think of a time just a few weeks back when I thought I had the best mate in the world. 😕 Edit: Why am I scared to just say the word ‘depressed’? I am seriously _depressed_ right now. And there’s a part of me that (while very immature) is thinking,\* I feel like shit. D. skied this weekend, is going out this evening, and is generally having a wonderful time. Fuckhead.\* ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/175 "2012-01-29T01:06:21Z")
I think all of your feelings are normal. You’re having a lot of hormonal fluctuations and emotional reactions right now. Observe and acknowledge them, and let them go. Take care of yourself. It’s unfortunate if you don’t have someone that can take your son until tomorrow evening or some such. You may need some alone time. It always works wonders for me! ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/176 "2012-01-29T01:06:21Z")
We’re almost the same age, you and I. Please believe me when I say you _can_ make new friends. You can start all over. The world is full of absolutely wonderful people, who will love you and support you, and who don’t have to know anything about your past that you don’t want to tell them. Please, when this is all over, will you try to make new good friends, who don’t give you diseases? I know it feels like you missed the boat, that everyone only spends time with friends they met in grade school, and no-one has space for you - but its _not_ true. You can meet people now, and in a year or two, you will feel just like “old friends”, and in ten years, you’ll have known each other “forever”. Please take this from someone else who used to think she was an island, and didn’t need people. You need people. Please make some friends. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/177 "2012-01-29T01:09:36Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > We’re almost the same age, you and I. Please believe me when I say you _can_ make new friends. You can start all over. The world is full of absolutely wonderful people, who will love you and support you, and who don’t have to know anything about your past that you don’t want to tell them. Please, when this is all over, will you try to make new good friends, who don’t give you diseases? I know it feels like you missed the boat, that everyone only spends time with friends they met in grade school, and no-one has space for you - but its _not_ true. You can meet people now, and in a year or two, you will feel just like “old friends”, and in ten years, you’ll have known each other “forever”. > > Please take this from someone else who used to think she was an island, and didn’t need people. You need people. Please make some friends. Definitely. It sounds cheesy to say, but I _love_ my friends, and I couldn’t make it through the world without them. Best friends are even better than boyfriends, because you don’t have to worry if you’re pretty enough, slim enough, or good enough- you know that they love and accept you just as you are. Real good girlfriends are priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/178 "2012-01-29T01:34:46Z")
I tried to “meet new friends” by responding to some ‘I’d like to make platonic friends!’ ads on CL. I basically punked out on all of it. I have such high anxiety in non-work situations that I’d rather stay home instead of having a panic attack over what I’m wearing, doing, who’s babysitting, etc. I used to see a shrink but now I can’t afford one. bleh. this is turning into a whiny thread. ☹ It’s _very_ sad that I socialize the most with sixteen year olds. (I’m a p/t teacher.) ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/179 "2012-01-29T01:37:59Z")
also: My financial situation prevents me from being too social. Babysitters and all. So my social life is basically: synagogue (when I’m not feeling too anxious), volunteering with old folks (with my son), and work (which only kind of counts, but it’s the time of the week where I get dressed nicely, wear eyeliner, and generally have fun). And since April or something of last year - the Dope. Yikes! ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2012, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144/180 "2012-01-29T02:07:39Z")
Have you ever thought up of doing meet up groups? Something you’re into: crafts, hiking, photography, mommy and me stuff, whatever. More low pressure then one on one OMG LET’S ME BFFS stuff, ya know? Extra points if it’s something your son is into, too-- so, worst case scenario, you guys can do something fun together. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-so-upset-i-cant-even-think-of-a-proper-pit-title-ed-cheating-ex-and-std/609144.md?page=10)