# "I'm sorry you're dead—this Teddy Bear should cheer you up!" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 8, 2003, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964 "2003-05-08T20:27:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/1 "2003-05-08T20:27:55Z")
One of the many things that baffles me: why do so many people leave Teddy Bears at memorial sites? Not only when little kids die, but I saw them amongst the flowers, cards and mylar balloons when JFK Jr. and Princess Diana died, and at that recent nightclub fire! I can certainly understand the flowers, even for total strangers (as a way of telling family and friends “we’re thinking of you”). Mylar balloons, not so much . . . But stuffed toys?! Stuffed toys that are only going to be left out in the rain till they turn moldy and disgusting and are going to be tossed in a Dumpster by already overworked sanitation men? What is the thought process here? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/2 "2003-05-08T20:32:25Z")
It baffles me too. I’m considering stipulating in my will that the only memorial I want left for me be in an approved and sanctioned boneyard. I’d hate to see someone buy the farm on a dangerous stretch of road while trying to read a cross with my name on it. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/3 "2003-05-08T20:38:27Z")
Well there was an actress (name escapes me) who said she doesn’t want flowers at her funeral, she wants them while she’s still alive. As for Teddys, they get donated to Childrens Hospitals and Hospices in the UK, I expect the same happens in USA. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/4 "2003-05-08T20:42:23Z")
I saw a box of Milk Duds at a memorial once. I suspect one of the people was a fan. But I couldn’t help thinking, what if I was wrong? What if somebody leaves Milk Duds at memorials? Then I started to consider it. I haven’t been confronted with a memorial since, but if I do, you know I’ll be considering Milk Duds. Or maybe Junior Mints. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/5 "2003-05-08T20:44:48Z")
What if it was that Snuggles bear? Don’t you associate tragic death with _that_ bear? ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/6 "2003-05-08T20:47:27Z")
Perhaps the givers think that the souls of the widdle teddy bears will get to accompany the spirit of the deceased giving him or her comfort and joy on their journey up to the pearly gates. (Now try to get out of your head the image of the shades of dead 80’s heavy metal fans heading into the afterlife encircled by a ring of widdle teddy bear angels.) ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/7 "2003-05-08T20:48:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zebra \* > \*\*What if it was that Snuggles bear? Don’t you associate tragic death with _that_ bear? \*\* Good God! You may be on to something. That bastard is more evil than we thought. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/8 "2003-05-08T21:03:01Z")
It baffled me too. I’ve also wondered why people often strap tiny teddybears to backpacks. My guess is teddystrappers wish to project an image of: “I’m cool (hence the backpack) yet not afraid to show my cute (for girls) or sensitive (for boys) side.” Maybe teddybears have become a symbol of “emotional in a positive way, yet not a wuss” and they are left as a token of those feelings? ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/9 "2003-05-08T21:47:29Z")
I always thought that it started as something to do when a child dies. Then stupid people missed that nuance and so suddenly they’re on everybody’s memorials. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2003, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/10 "2003-05-08T23:01:57Z")
Memorials are for the living. They help the living cope with the loss of life, whether family, friend or stranger. They help us remember that we have freedom to live and savor life because of a life taken from a country at war or the selfless service of a regular person who did heroic deeds in a time of crisis or the senselessness of a plane crash. They are to remind us to be better people and not to forget those that gone before us When it is a complete stranger, but a shocking gruesome death ( Laci Peterson and her unborn son, as a very vivid and recent example) people feel this desire to honor the deceased with whatever they think is appropriate or (if they knew the deceased) leave a memento of a favorite food, flower, beer, etc. Because it affected them deeply and they want to do something. I think with teddy bears, they are a representation of the child like spirit that resides in all of us. The part that clings to hope no matter how bad life gets, no matter how cynical we become. That little part inside of us that we retreat to when things get really turbulent in life. What is more comforting than a stuffed animal? When a teddy bear or similar is laid to rest at a crash sight or memorial it helps the giver come to terms with the death by being able to do something, rather than nothing. The deceased, no matter how they died, is at peace and out of pain. Death is something that everyone of us has to face in our lives and we just don’t know how we are going to exit this stage called life. We can only hope it is quick and painless, not in a horrific accident or a long, lingering decline. The teddy bear helps the living heal. That is just my two bits, your two bits may vary. ---
**Author:** ![summerbreeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@summerbreeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/summerbreeze)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/11 "2003-05-09T03:30:55Z")
I think it has to do with people getting just plain dumb. Where I live, half the middle-aged women you see are wearing (Disney) Winnie the Pooh clothing. I was in line behind a man who was buying a Winnie the Pooh steering wheel cover for his wife. Last December, a woman told me her granddaughter’s Christmas would be “ruined” if she didn’t get a certain teddy bear. How old is your granddaughter? _Seven months!_. A teddy bear would not have been helpful when my young adult son died. The $10-$20 a teddy bear costs, donated to my son’s favorite charity, would have. As usual, I’m with **Eve**. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/12 "2003-05-09T03:37:34Z")
Many people leave items that the deceased liked when they were alive, although there are probably some cultural quirks involved. My mother-in-law leaves a can of ice coffee on her husband’s grave every New Year’s, and when I went with her, I saw cans of beer, sake or cola, packs of cigarettes, cookies, etc., placed on most of the other graves. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e79b87/32.png) [@Dragonstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonstar)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/13 "2003-05-09T03:49:33Z")
Maybe my family is Japanese; my mom used to put a shot of whiskey on top of my grandpa’s cremation container (not urn but square brass box) on holidays. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/14 "2003-05-09T06:19:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \* > … I think with teddy bears, they are a representation of the child like spirit that resides in all of us. The part that clings to hope no matter how bad life gets, no matter how cynical we become. That little part inside of us that we retreat to when things get really turbulent in life. What is more comforting than a stuffed animal? > > When a teddy bear or similar is laid to rest at a crash sight or memorial it helps the giver come to terms with the death by being able to do something, rather than nothing. > > The deceased, no matter how they died, is at peace and out of pain. Death is something that every one of us has to face in our lives and we just don’t know how we are going to exit this stage called life. We can only hope it is quick and painless, not in a horrific accident or a long, lingering decline. > > The teddy bear helps the living heal. > > That is just my two bits, your two bits may vary. And my own two bits don’t vary one penny’s worth, **Shirley**. After all you’ve been through lately, combined with the above words, I can only hope that you delivered a eulogy at your brother’s recent service. I’ll sure as He!! hope someone like you (as opposed to the rest of these louts … well, except for, maybe, **Eve** , whose pithy comments [if she knew me well enough] would have them rolling in the aisles at my funeral [a very attractive proposition]) would be there to speak (or sing) for me. Regardless of how these toys are (later) donated to needy children (which is enough to get me all dewy just by itself), don’t any of you loons appreciate that these remembrances are there to serve _those who mourn_?!? What should they leave? Brass knuckles? Maybe some extra rounds of ammunition? How about some spray painted grafitti (which I’m sure has been done at _some_ tagger’s burial)? Lots of people leave flowers, others leave food (like maybe I might do, big surprise there!), some burn incense or light candles. **Who the flock are you to ridicule their grieving process?** **Eve** , this is probably the only single time I’ve ever found myself in disagreement with you about _anything_. But disagree I shall. Grieving is not just for those who were lost. In fact, it may well be specifically for those who are left behind. As much as I might like to think that departed spirits are able to view the scene of their remembrance, the scientist in me just can’t gulp that down whole. So, let’s pretend that these articles are left behind to comfort those who remain. WHAT IN THE BLUE BLISTERING BARNACLES OF BLAZING BLOODY BUGGERING HADES IS SO WRONG ABOUT LEAVING A HARMLESS STUFFED ANIMAL TO SIGNIFY ONE’S GRIEF?!? Evidently, many of you never had a treasured stuffed animal, puppet or doll. [Mister T] I pity the fool!!! [/Mister T] Yes, pity. ---
**Author:** ![NicePete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee7513/32.png) [@NicePete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NicePete)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/15 "2003-05-09T13:41:51Z")
> [@](#): > > Or maybe Junior Mints. They’re very refreshing. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/16 "2003-05-09T14:05:14Z")
Hey, **Zenster** , to each their own. All I wanted to express in my post was the fact that I don’t totally understand this custom. Furthermore, memorials aren’t appropriate everywhere. I believe the ones on roadways are dangerous. Why not small, dignified remembrances? Apart from graveyards, you could sponsor a hymnal or pew in many churches. You could buy bricks in a community walkway. You could sponsor park benches in many parks, with a small dedication plaque. All these things are dignified, usually affordable, and don’t involve the sacrifice of stuffed creatures. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/17 "2003-05-09T14:16:04Z")
That’s the part that baffles me—and I do _not_ want to break any eggshells here. But I’ve seen these stuffed animals days after they’ve been left—mouldy, rain-soaked, bug-infested, and ready for the cleaning crew to pick them up with rubber gloves and toss them in the Dumpster. It would make _me_ feel better to donate the stuffed animal to a children’s hospital, and leave flowers (real ones, that decompose naturally) or a traditional stone, on someone’s grave or memorial. Then again, I’m going to have my ashes scattered in a duck pond, so everyone is invited to toss breadcrumbs. ---
**Author:** ![MercyStreet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a9adbd/32.png) [@MercyStreet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MercyStreet)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/18 "2003-05-09T14:16:27Z")
How about paid memorial ads on the obituaries page. Man alive! Why enrich a newspaper publisher? **Hamish “Horsebuckets” Goodlywinks** – Happy anniversary in heaven, darling. You’ve been gone for 87 years but it seems like yesterday that you and I were shagging our silly heads off in the River Socketwaddle. If only we could bonk once more. All my love! Your wife, Paisley Fifi Poofypants-Goodlywinks. **Here’s my feeling: When Hamish shuffled off this mortal coil, he likely didn’t order eternal cosmic delivery of The New York Times.** ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/19 "2003-05-09T14:42:24Z")
On the other hand, **Mercy** , I have promised my friend Anita Page that she’ll get a good obit in the _Times_ with a nice photo, and she says, “I’ll come back and haunt you if I don’t get it.” ---
**Author:** ![MercyStreet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a9adbd/32.png) [@MercyStreet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MercyStreet)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964/20 "2003-05-09T14:51:41Z")
**Eve** , Anita is welcome to do Cha-Cha of the Undead – _provided_ she drag along Buster Keaton. Golly gee, I sure would like to hang out with Buster. Tickety-boo! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-sorry-youre-dead-this-teddy-bear-should-cheer-you-up/173964.md?page=2)