# "I'm telling you to get it off my chest." "Thanks, now I feel rotten". **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 8, 2011, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147 "2011-05-08T11:00:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/21 "2011-05-08T13:59:43Z")
> [@brainstall](#): > > Isn’t there that school of communication that suggests one starts their grievance with “I feel xxx” instead of “you did something that bothered me”? Feels all passive aggressive to me. It’s right up there with someone saying something nasty and then saying “ha ha, just kidding” Ah, see, I often find that annoying\*, too, but the OP is actually an example of a case where it \*can \*work really well if you’re aware of the technique. She said: “You leaving out those other doors made me feel like you didn’t listen to my contributions, and like you wanted to push your choice on us” You can then say, “Ah…interesting. That was not my intent at all, although I can see why you might feel that way. Actually, I simply forgot to add those choices in. Thank you for reminding me about them.” Treat it as a piece of information, not an emotional problem you have to solve. Tell the other person what your actual motivation was, and their emotion generally evaporates, because they realize it was their story - their interpretation of events - that caused their emotion, nothing you actually did. \*It’s most annoying, of course, when they’re right. When your actions were, consciously or unconsciously, intended to provoke the emotional reaction they did. But that’s not the case here. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/22 "2011-05-08T14:50:01Z")
> [@](#): > > If, several months ago, she asked you to include her selections and color choices in your pick list, and you failed to do that, then it sounds like it was you who dropped the ball, not her. Yes, she could have followed up with you, but it sounds like she went to a lot of time and trouble to provide alternate styles and color choices, and you completely disregarded her. > > Later, when it became a priority for you and you decided to resurrect the project, you dismissed her input entirely under the guise that you are “not meticulous.” Assuming that you had truly forgotten her feedback, there’s no excuse for not giving your neighbors an opportunity to provide feedback before asking them to choose from your list of favorites. > > She responded in a very rational way, without hysteria or drama, that she finds your behavior to be both pushy and dismissive. And I think that she’s perfectly justified. > > If it makes you feel “bad” to be chastised about your own failings, then perhaps that is your conscience telling you that you mucked up. Quoted for truth. This is it, exactly, in my book. You did overlook/disregard her earlier input, when composing your selections. If you choose to believe that it was a mere ‘oversight’ than you lack insight into yourself. Apologize for your clumsiness and move forward. The only emotion I see on display is your emotional response to her pointing out your complete oversight of her input. You’ve disguised it as response to her choice of words, but it’s there if you look. I think her words stung because, knowingly or not, you are guilty of exactly what she claims. It does seem like you’re ignoring her input and being pushy about your preferred choices. Own your part in this exchange and, that feeling you have, will go away. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/23 "2011-05-08T16:13:05Z")
Is it possible that in the past you’ve seemed a little pushy to her or dismissive of her feelings? Maybe she’s a little over-sensitive, or maybe your personality is a little stronger than she’s used to, or maybe it’s a combination of both. It seems like she handled it pretty straightforward, though. I like the blue doors. I don’t see a need for the two doors to match, though. I think it might look nice if they were both the same period-type, but not the same exact door. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/24 "2011-05-08T16:57:44Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Quoted for truth. This is it, exactly, in my book. > > You did overlook/disregard her earlier input, when composing your selections. If you choose to believe that it was a mere ‘oversight’ than you lack insight into yourself. Apologize for your clumsiness and move forward. So what you’re saying, if I understand this correctly, is that there’s no way for someone to forget about something that someone mentioned 5 months earlier by accident, and that every time someone mentions an idea to you and 5 months later you forget that they mentioned it, you aren’t actually forgetting it, but purposely ignoring their suggestion as a way to push your own ideas. Gimme a break. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it never happens, and maybe that IS what happened with the OP, but it seems like you’re accusing her of lying. IMHO, if I were the neighbor, instead of saying “You leaving out those other doors made me feel like you didn’t listen to my contributions, and like you wanted to push your choice on us” I would have responded with “Oh yeah, don’t forget about these other ones we talked about too…” and linked to my suggestions. IMHO, accusing the OP of ignoring the neighbor to push her choices is snarky and not a good way to be neighborly. Like I said earlier, the neighbor sounds like the type of person who reads way to far into things and the decides what people meant by them and then stews over it. Remember, the OP said this was just an _example_ of her regular behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/25 "2011-05-08T18:55:58Z")
This kind of thing is extremely irritating to me. Some people have to treat everything like a session of couples therapy. She could have just said “Hey, did you forget about Option G?” and re-sent the other door choice. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/26 "2011-05-08T19:04:59Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > So I don’t really know what to feel, or do about such an exchange. Is it just a diference in personal style? Is she wrong for bringing emotion into it? Was it something I could expect when I was a bit sloppy (quick and dirty) in reopening the project, and expecting my friends/neighbours to be assertive enough to remind me of what they wanted ? I think she should have been more sensitive to the possibility that you didn’t deliberately overlook her suggestions. Before leaping to that conclusion and talking about her emotions, she could asked you to slow down and include her earlier suggestions into the mix. I’m not the type of person who dumps their feelings on other people to make myself better, so in that respect I sympathize with your position. But what is done is done. Apologize for the omission, tell her that you didn’t deliberately exclude her ideas but that you’d simply forgotten (but don’t be defensive about it), and then suggest an in-person get together to discuss this door thing. It doesn’t sound like email is the best way to do this. Play it right and she’ll apologize for misunderstanding your intentions and all will be well. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/27 "2011-05-08T19:29:06Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Play it right and she’ll apologize for misunderstanding your intentions and all will be well. Until next week when the OP says “So, are we still on for Applebee’s” and she says “OP, it makes me feel neglected when you purposefully leave out my suggestions. Last week I mentioned that we should think about Friday’s or Chili’s and I think it’s rude of you to just assume we all want go wherever you want to go.” At some point the OP will have to say “Look :rolleyes: if you have a suggestion, just say it, no one is purposefully ignoring you” Like I said earlier. The OP said this is just an example and I’d be willing to bet she does this to everyone. She sounds like the type of person who likes to think she get’s walked all over but in reality she lets people walk all over her just so that she can fire back at them. We all know these people. Maybe not these exact people, but people that nothing is ever right for them. Whether the store mixed up their order ‘on purpose’ because they complained last week about something or the other mom that never invites little Susie over because we just got a new car and they’re jealous. It’s always something and almost always all in their head. Of course this is all based on very little info. I think we all agree, that while the wording may have been a bit odd, she had every right to be annoyed. Has she ever been annoyed when she had no right to be? Has she ever felt neglected that you didn’t include her in a decision that had nothing to do with her? Has she ever gone over the top on something trivial? I mean, a front door is sort of a big deal, but what about something small like where you’re going to go for dinner or what night to get together for drinks? Maybe she’s just been over therapied. Using I feel/It makes me feel/You make me feel statements when simply tossing in a suggestion with a smile would suffice. But that’s hard to explain to someone who thinks the world is out to get them. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/28 "2011-05-08T20:28:38Z")
I don’t have any input on your passive aggressive neighbor but I like the blue doors. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/29 "2011-05-08T20:35:07Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Come on, touch me Babe. > > (Bad Doors Joke) 🙂 Slam me two times, one for tomorrow and one just for today. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/30 "2011-05-08T21:28:27Z")
I don’t like any of the new doors, so I’m no help. Could we see your neighbor’s choices? 🙂 Seriously, I agree with **WhyNot**. Just treat it as info, not emotionally laden baggage that must be addressed. The perfect thing about just treating as info is that IF it is emotionally manipulative BS, you will truly piss her off by responding in a matter of fact manner. (and yes, people who send this stuff are irritating as all get out, but you don’t have to play her game. Just respond to the actual message, not the hidden one). ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/31 "2011-05-08T21:50:00Z")
**Aspidistra** , your entire post made me feel (ha!) very understood. It also reminded me of this post on hyperbole-and-a-half: [Please Stop!](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/please-stop.html) 🙂 **spark240** ’s post made me feel (Ha ! again, I could get used to this ) very uneasy, but probably for the right reasons. Because what you said, **spark,** is exactly what I also told myself, or rather, what I beat myself up with. I’m one of those people who can’t take an reproach and just apply it to the interaction between neighbour and myself. I make the reproach into “The Unspoken, But Widely Shared Worlds Opinion of me”. Which hurts. Especially since, of course, I have had this reproach before, felt guilty and rotten, but it just seem to be one of those traits sadly immune to intentions to better myself. **WhyNot** , as usual, has very applicable practical advice. Her post reminds me of what my husband said about this. He treats the remark " I feel" as " I don’t have sufficient info yet to have more then a hunch, so feed me with facts". So he answers such a thing with a perfunctory sorry and info on why he is right. He also said that this kind of thing is why many women LOVE to work with men instead of women. He’s macho that way. 😉 **Elenorigby** , the red door was the neighbours choice. I even like that choice; it just didn’t come up when I searched my e-mail for “door\*”, which was how I missed it. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/32 "2011-05-08T22:01:24Z")
I think the red doors would be cool, especially if you put up window boxes with bright red geraniums. StG ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/33 "2011-05-08T23:38:32Z")
My daughter has a good friend like that. My daughter’s style is somewhat abrupt and unfeeling - her friend is very emotional and very big on “you made me feel.” Which puts my abrupt daughter on the defensive, ends in a huge argument and everyone leaving mad, for four hours when they apologize to each other. But they are eleven. I’m trying to teach her to get apologetic instead of defensive. And emotionally apologetic, because that is what her friend understands. “I’m so sorry that you feel bad. I feel awful about it.” And then hold your ground if it is important to you, because its really a manipulative technique. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2011, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/34 "2011-05-09T09:15:01Z")
I don’t think either of you meant any harm. It could be a great opportunity to learn to deal with other people’s styles of relating to one another. If this was a daily thing, though, it would annoy me. This is because I just don’t get upset about things like doors. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2011, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147/35 "2011-05-09T09:47:02Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > e > Am I doling out emotional slaps-in-faces without ever using “I feel” remarks? Just by the way I act? I suppose so, but how do I remedy that? I believe your neighbor has over-reacted, and you are not responsible for he over-reaction. I agree with posters who say you should clarify that it’s never your intent to belittle her contributions. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-telling-you-to-get-it-off-my-chest-thanks-now-i-feel-rotten/581147.md?page=1)