# I'm Very, Very, Very, Very, Very Sorry **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 25, 2009, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431 "2009-02-25T21:44:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/1 "2009-02-25T21:44:42Z")
I’m sorry…really, I am. If there were any way I could make this situation different, I’d do so without hesitation. It’s completely unfair to you and everyone who has ever had any interaction with you that this has to be the case. If I could wave my hand and undo the circumstances which lead us to this point, please believe that I would do so – no reservations here, it’d be done. But I can’t, and I’m sorry. Truly. I’m really very, very sorry. There, I feel better now. But let’s step back a moment, shall we? [Welcome to my town](http://i.imgur.com/exOtWdu.jpg). Now, let’s take a quick look [over here](http://i.imgur.com/NIq41T0.jpg) where we have the main drag, running from the residential area in which I live (to the south) to the business district (to the north). As you can see, it’s a bit of a slow-moving road, with a speed limit that goes from 25 up to 30 as you get nearer to the business district. So, as I was heading along this fine, shaded thoroughfare with it’s lovely Victorian homes dating back to the American Revolution, a young lass in her new Jetta came driving up behind me. Now, as is my wont to do, I was going just a bit over the speed limit – roughly 35 in the 30 zone. However, this was apparently nowhere need quick enough for this young lady. It occurred to me that she may be one of these super-genius young people you occasionally hear about, who at age 22 became a world-renown surgeon and was at this very moment trying to speed to the hospital to save the life of small child. However, the hospital was in the other direction, so I dismissed that idea. Still, she was leaving a space roughly the thickness of a dollar bill between our bumpers, so she must’ve had some kind of urgent matter to take care of. Now, as one continues up this street, one soon gets to the business district. [As you can see](http://i.imgur.com/htcYFfU.jpg), once you arrive here the lanes open up and the speed limit increases. As we headed north, I was really beginning to look forward to arriving in this area – after all, on my tail I either had a young undercover officer who had just commandeered a citizen’s car (thereby explaining the lack of lights and sirens) on her way to help a fellow officer who needed backup _right this second_, or a fucking moron who got her license from Joe’s Pull-'Em-Out-Yer-Ass Drivers License Boutique And Feed Shop a half-hour ago. Either way, [I wanted her off my ass](http://i.imgur.com/YMMZ1R3.jpg). Now, as you saw above, the road widens. If you remain in the lane you’ve been in the whole time, you will find yourself in the left lane after said widening. If you’re a considerate driver, you will pull to the right when you get here and let faster traffic, potential undercover cops, or fucking morons pass you. I did not do this. It wasn’t that I was being inconsiderate – it’s because immediately after that split, there is a bus stop on the right. There is no shoulder to speak of, so the bus stops square in the middle of the right-hand lane. It’s not really a danger, because…well…[it’s a bus](http://i.imgur.com/1OGDtOf.jpg). It’s fricking huge. It’s a vehicle specifically designed to hold, what, 60-70 people or so? That’s a lot of people, and it’s a lot of vehicle. Who wouldn’t see that sitting in your lane? [I learned the answer](http://i.imgur.com/Q2LZxLC.jpg). My intention was to stay in the left-hand lane, pass the bus, and then pull into the right lane so Danica could go on her merry way. She would have none of this silliness, however. No, as soon as we got to the split, she whipped into the right lane and gunned it. Now, I’m far from free of having done foolish things in my life. But when I die and I get to read the “Facts, Stats & Figures” book on my life (and I desperately hope that that’s something you actually get), I do know that the “Dumb Stuff You Did” list will be free and clear of anything resembling “gunned the engine when you were 15 feet from a NJ Transit bus”. Now, I know what’s coming – she’s not going to be able to stop, so there are only three places she can go. From right to left, there’s 1) up onto the sidewalk and into a telephone pole, 2) into the ass end of the bus, or 3) right into the side of my car. Did I mention that I’ve owned this car less than a week? Uh uh, no fricking way are you hitting my car. Fortunately, there wasn’t any oncoming traffic for a few hundred feet, so I cut into the wrong side of the road, hoping she’d choose the path of least resistance. [She chose right, but she chose slowly](http://i.imgur.com/ljboXG1.jpg). She managed to juuust about make it around the bus, but \<_crackrip_!\>, there went her passenger side mirror. She slowed and got into the right lane; I got back into my preferred, non-head-on-collision lane, and kept going. I had no dog in this one, and wasn’t going to dawdle about for no reason. And apparently, neither was she (ignoring the “no reason” part in her case, of course). Three hundred feet up the road, traffic was backed up from a nearby light. I sat in my lane, when 'lo, Ms. One-Mirror comes [screeching up next to me](http://i.imgur.com/Nzx3GvS.jpg). She rolls down her window and lets me have it. Apparently, I’m a fucking asshole. It would seem I have no fucking clue how to operate a motor vehicle. The capper was that I was the one to blame for “almost” making her hit the bus. Hmmm…one moment, please: > [@](#): > > al•most – (ôl m st , ôl-m st ) > ADVERB: Slightly short of; not quite; nearly: _almost time to go; was almost asleep; had almost finished._ _Almost hit the bus_. Mmmm, no, sorry Sweetheart, that’s where you’re mistaken. You _did_ hit the bus. There is a bus driver a few hundred feet back hastily scribbling down your license plate number, and when the cops come, he’s going to hand them your side-view mirror as some pretty compelling evidence. As she wound down her tirade, I simply stared at her. I mean, what am I to do, yell and scream back at her? I’m basically an even-keeled guy – it takes a lot to set me off, and she wasn’t getting close. But then she said it: _“Aren’t you even going to say you’re sorry?”_ Why yes, now that you mention it – I’m quite sorry that you apparently only have about a half-dozen brain cells rolling around using Yahoo Maps (on dial-up, natch) to try and find each other in that skull of yours. I’m sorry that you were ever granted a drivers license (if that’s even the case). And I’m really, truthfully sorry that you seem to be incapable of noticing 16 tons of metal right in front of your fucking face until it’s too late. Really, I’m sorry… ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/2 "2009-02-25T21:50:00Z")
So, you didn’t apologise? Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/3 "2009-02-25T21:50:20Z")
I’m reporting you for a misleading thread title. You are most definitely not sorry. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/4 "2009-02-25T21:53:30Z")
You can’t see or hear me, but I am clapping. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/5 "2009-02-25T21:53:59Z")
That’s OK, just don’t let it happen again. ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/6 "2009-02-25T21:54:47Z")
Thanks for posting that. Great story, and I’m glad you avoided harm. ---
**Author:** ![Lamar\_Mundane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/7 "2009-02-25T21:57:51Z")
Was she hot? ---
**Author:** ![Borborygmi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/borborygmi/32/217_2.png) [@Borborygmi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Borborygmi)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/8 "2009-02-25T21:58:57Z")
I’m having trouble seeing the map in the last link. Maybe it’s my browser? ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/9 "2009-02-25T21:59:58Z")
> [@Lamar\_Mundane](#): > > Was she hot? By the time she pulled up next to me, she was a vision of froth and spittle. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/10 "2009-02-25T22:02:11Z")
_That’s_ what the Pit has been lacking all these years: a slide-show function. Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/11 "2009-02-25T22:02:58Z")
> [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > _“Aren’t you even going to say you’re sorry?”_ Hal, that was an excellent essay. My compliments. I especially liked the way you led us into the above italicized statement. I had absolutely no idea that was coming. Classic. Just classic. If you write for a living or as a hobby, please keep this. Really. Quasi ---
**Author:** ![mutantmoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a87d85/32.png) [@mutantmoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mutantmoose)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/12 "2009-02-25T22:03:41Z")
Really makes my blood boil, that kind of thing. One would assume that people like that get into situations like that all the time, the way they drive. Do they always assume that the other people are to blame? Are they the sole good driver in a world of jerkoffs? do they _never_ even consider the possibility that it is _they_ who could perhaps do with driving a bit more calmly? Great op, btw. ---
**Author:** ![NAF1138](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naf1138/32/3245_2.png) [@NAF1138](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NAF1138)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/13 "2009-02-25T22:05:32Z")
Hal, you just brightened my day a little. I don’t know if it’s schadenfreude or just my intense love of labled maps that has put a smile on my face, but I am walking around a little happier now for having read that. That probably wasn’t your goal, but at least a little good has come out of your sorrow. It’s also good to know that there is an entire continent’s worth of road between me and your new female friend. ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/14 "2009-02-25T22:05:53Z")
Friggen’ hilarious man. Nice move to avoid your own car damage. The maps were most excellent. Great OP. ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/15 "2009-02-25T22:06:11Z")
Excellent! The diagrams were really quiet helpful. Brilliantly done! ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/16 "2009-02-25T22:10:36Z")
I sense a hot new “love-hate” romance here! I can’t help but imagine that she is hot, for some reason. (No, I take that back; almost EVERY idiotic asshole female driver that has ever tailgated me/cut me off/made some sort of illegal move on the road near me has been physically attractive. I wonder if growing up “hot” gives some people a sense of entitlement, so they are not compelled to obey rules?) ---
**Author:** ![kenner116](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecb155/32.png) [@kenner116](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenner116)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/17 "2009-02-25T22:12:18Z")
This would be a great opportunity to use Google Earth’s new touring and annotation feature. ---
**Author:** ![Greenback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/2bfe46/32.png) [@Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greenback)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/18 "2009-02-25T22:14:04Z")
Great post **Hal**. How long did it take you to get from the unedited, pre-pit fuzzy bunny rules post to the one here? kudos to the pics. It was like I was there with you. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/19 "2009-02-25T22:17:17Z")
I’m Daithi Lacha, and I heartily endorse this use of AV materials for an excellent pitting. Two thumbs up! Way WAY up! ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431/20 "2009-02-25T22:18:29Z")
I wonder if she’s related to the Mensa candidate behind me who thought if she slammed down the gas peddle when the light changed her Jeep Larado could somehow leap-frog over my Mazda3. When the police officer asked what happened she told him she must have just accelerated faster than I did. Really? REALLY??? From a dead stop the entire trunk of my car moved forward 6 inches and the bumper disintegrated into a fine powder. My license plate wrapped around the frame of the car behind where the bumper used to be & we never did find the screws that held it on. I bet her tiny yippie dog was even more brain damaged from it’s launch from the passenger’s seat into the windshield. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-very-very-very-very-very-sorry/487431.md?page=2)