# Imminent sex after long hiatus. Should I lower her expectations in advance? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2009, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991 "2009-11-26T02:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/1 "2009-11-26T02:42:42Z")
I have reason to believe that a new relationship will soon become sexual, ending a **very** long dry spell. Although I’ve told the lady in question enough about my past for her to infer that I haven’t slept with anyone in a while, she may not realize just how long it’s been. (And no, I’m not going to tell you, either. Suffice it to say that, in some of the recent threads about sexual dry spells, I wouldn’t have had the record, but I easily would have been in the top 5%.) I have an urge to say something (well before we actually get into bed, of course) to lower her expectations. You know, self-deprecating, funny, along the lines of, “This won’t be very good, but I’m seriously dedicated to improving my skills at every opportunity.” So, ladies, my question is: is this a good idea, bad idea, or something in between? If you don’t like it, how would you recommend I handle the situation? Any other advice? ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/2 "2009-11-26T03:25:15Z")
I’m not a woman, but perhaps maybe it would be best to just take an honest approach and tell her it’s been a while. A woman who really loves or cares about you wont care how long it’s been since your last time or how good/bad you might be in the sack. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/3 "2009-11-26T03:59:48Z")
Better, I think, to wait until afterwards, and then explain with a rueful chuckle. Otherwise I agree with the second sentence of **kidneyfailure** ’s post. ---
**Author:** ![JpnDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/838e76/32.png) [@JpnDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JpnDude)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/4 "2009-11-26T04:08:48Z")
I agree with you, **commonsense** , and **kidneyfailure**. On the way to the bedroom, I’d make a light off-the-cuff remark, such as “Hehehe, it’s a been a while since this has happened.” or “I feel like a rookie again.” Have fun and enjoy your time together. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/5 "2009-11-26T04:09:36Z")
Why bother? If it really doesn’t go well, you can laugh it off. And hell, there’s always the chance you’ll rock her world. Indeed, it seems counter-productive to assume anything less. Positive thinking, and so on. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/6 "2009-11-26T04:52:08Z")
There are few things that turn me off quicker than a man that apologizes for poor sexual performance, especially in advance. If she knows it’s been a while then she knows the first time won’t be the best. But please, please don’t tell her you know you won’t be very good. That kind of stuff really makes we think “well why bother?” and wonder if I’m going to have to prop his ego up every time we hop into bed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/7 "2009-11-26T05:17:25Z")
Yeah, women aren’t stupid (or all that different from men) - we know not to expect superhot sex first time with a new guy (and/or after a long dry spell). After it takes you two minutes to finish yer bizness, roll over and say, “Ah, that’s better. I actually _did_ remember how it works!” with a big grin on your face. Then go again in five minutes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/8 "2009-11-26T05:59:58Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Better, I think, to wait until afterwards, and then explain with a rueful chuckle. My thinking was that saying anything _afterward_ would appear too defensive. And as though I expected to be great, or at least good, and didn’t live up to my own expectations. > [@ShelliBean](#): > > There are few things that turn me off quicker than a man that apologizes for poor sexual performance, especially in advance. If she knows it’s been a while then she knows the first time won’t be the best. Okay, good point. But I wasn’t going to apologize, but make a joke about it. The good news is that this is someone who’s known me for a long time (although never in a romantic way) and still wants to be with me. So it’s not a matter of trying to create a good first impression. > [@](#): > > But please, please don’t tell her you know you won’t be very good. That kind of stuff really makes we think “well why bother?” and wonder if I’m going to have to prop his ego up every time we hop into bed. I thought that making light of it in advance would make it clear that I my ego wasn’t that fragile. Is that not the way it would come across? > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yeah, women aren’t stupid (or all that different from men) - we know not to expect superhot sex first time with a new guy (and/or after a long dry spell). After it takes you two minutes to finish yer bizness, roll over and say, “Ah, that’s better. I actually _did_ remember how it works!” with a big grin on your face. Then go again in five minutes. 🙂 Please! I’m 54. I’ll be lucky if I can go again in a week! (See? The self-deprecating humor is part of my schtick.) Thanks for all the thoughts, people. Keep 'em coming. (Har!) ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/9 "2009-11-26T06:02:26Z")
There’s nothing to gain by apologizing or making any sort of comment beforehand. As a guy, first time performances are all about the same, regardless of hiatus length. If you’re truly concerned about not lasting very long - then just jerk off before your date. If you still don’t last very long, there are plenty of other things to do before you recharge that don’t involve leaning back and saying, “g’nite - don’t forget to tip your waitress.” Focus on her afterwards, make sure she’s taken care of, and if you get your stamina back, get back to work. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/10 "2009-11-26T06:16:08Z")
If she comments on it, you should comment on it. If she doesn’t, no reason for you to do so. Your… performance will naturally improve when you get back in the saddle for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/11 "2009-11-26T06:36:38Z")
“It’s been a while” works. And FTR, the best makeout session I had was with a guy who was clearly a newbie - but he was willing and able to learn very, very fast. Plus, even if you happened to have tons of practice, every partner is different, every new relationship involves learning “what works _for us_.” ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/12 "2009-11-26T09:00:23Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > “It’s been a while” works. Yeah, I agree. No need for any further disclaimers but that’s fine. Actually, I think if a guy said that to me, it might be an incentive for me to try to make it _extra_ special for him 😉 Although unfortunately if this conversation was to actually come up I’d probably be the one apologising for being out of practice ☹ ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/13 "2009-11-26T12:26:16Z")
What came to my mind is the scene in The American President: * * * President Andrew Shepherd: You’re attracted to me, but the idea of physical intimacy is uncomfortable because you only know me as the President. But it’s not always going to be that way, and the reason I know that is there was a moment last night when you were with ME, not the President. And I know what a big step that was for you. So, Sydney, I’m in no rush. Here’s my plan. We’re going to slow down, and when you’re comfortable, that’s when it’s going to happen. [Sydney emerges from the bathroom wearing nothing but one of his shirts] President Andrew Shepherd: Perhaps I didn’t properly explain the fundamentals of the slowdown plan. Sydney Ellen Wade: [feeling the bed] No, you explained it great. President Andrew Shepherd: Are you nervous? Sydney Ellen Wade: No. President Andrew Shepherd: Good. My nervousness exists on… several levels. Number one, and this is in no particular order, I haven’t done this in a pretty long time. Number two, uh, any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I’m… you know… Sydney Ellen Wade: [approaching seductively] The most powerful man in the world? President Andrew Shepherd: Exactly, thank you. I think it’s important you remember that’s a political distinction that comes with the office. I mean, if, uh, Eisenhower were here instead of me, he’d be dead by now… and number three… Sydney Ellen Wade: Andy… So, rent the movie, make popcorn, snuggle up and after that scene say something like “I sure can relate, as a man one worries when it’s been a long time.” Who knows, she may take the initiative in either (a) talking about it or (b) ending the dry spell right then and there. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/14 "2009-11-26T12:37:54Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > A woman who really loves or cares about you wont care … how good/bad you might be in the sack. Ya know, I read these boards sometimes and feel like such a goddang harlot. I care about how good someone is in the sack. It’s actually quite important. I don’t put too much emphasis in the first time, though; it can be not-so-great for a lot of reasons. The last non-spouse guy I shagged finished quite quickly, but I dismissed it with “Meh, probably been a while.” Anyway, what you probably don’t want to do is run her off. “I’m bad in bed” announcements aren’t at all appealing. Just make naked fun time with her without the disclaimers. If you can be taught, I’m sure she’ll be happy. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/15 "2009-11-26T13:17:13Z")
Promise her titanic sex. As in: “It’s been so long since I’ve gone down that I’m really rusty.” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/16 "2009-11-26T13:48:20Z")
I vote for ‘‘it’s been a while.’’ She will probably be able to tell by your body language and such that it has been a while even if you didn’t tell her. Personally I could care less how much experience someone has… this stuff can be taught. If you made a joke like you suggested in the OP I would probably laugh and push you into the bedroom. And totally agreed with **Nava** , every time with someone new is like the first time in many ways… because each sexual relationship is unique. So don’t assume _she’s_ going to be able to push all your buttons either. You’re both rookies… with each other. Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/17 "2009-11-26T15:17:35Z")
Say nothing. Just be sure to extend foreplay until she comes at least once before you advance to penetration. All will be well. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/18 "2009-11-26T15:31:58Z")
My advice is don’t worry about it and let thing happen naturally. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/19 "2009-11-26T18:42:32Z")
This is a thing? If a man hasn’t slept with a lady for a while, he loses his touch? Straight people are so fascinating. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/20 "2009-11-26T19:20:12Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > This is a thing? If a man hasn’t slept with a lady for a while, he loses his touch? Nah, but he’s more likely to get the jitters. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=2)