# Imminent sex after long hiatus. Should I lower her expectations in advance? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2009, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991 "2009-11-26T02:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/21 "2009-11-26T19:28:01Z")
Why would you even tell her, “it’s been a while”? You haven’t forgotten any of what you’re supposed to do. You’re going to do fine – or not – based on who you are and how you feel about her, not based on how long it’s been. Basically, what you’re saying is, “I’m insecure about what we’re doing,” and why would you want to do that? I know where you’re coming from; my biggest mistake is always to overthink things, and what you’re doing is a species of that. Just let it happen and do your best in the moment. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2009, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/22 "2009-11-26T19:35:30Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Say nothing. Just be sure to extend foreplay until she comes at least once before you advance to penetration. This might also be out of the question for her first time with him, too! Not sure how old the OP is, but there’s nothing wrong with working up to p-in-v over the course of a few dates. Help you remember where everything goes! And I, personally, love a little humorous self deprecation as long as it’s paired with unbridled enthusiasm. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/23 "2009-11-27T04:33:04Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > This is a thing? If a man hasn’t slept with a lady for a while, he loses his touch? > > Straight people are so fascinating. Well, our dry spells are a lot longer. You’ve got Manhunt. We get fuckin’ eHarmony. ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/24 "2009-11-27T05:24:00Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I care about how good someone is in the sack. It’s actually quite important. Well, everyone wants to be good in bed, right? No one wants to meet a great gal and then totally blow it (pun intended), I don’t think. However, I’m pretty sure that any rational person, at least one with a functioning heart, would understand how powerfully screwed-up it would be for someone to dump their partner just because he sucked at having sex. Sex is important in a relationship but, in the grand scheme of things, a relationship which may have the potential to last a lifetime should not be decided on the basis of how good or bad the sex is. That’s just pathetically shallow. You’d give up 50 or 60 years of companionship and love just because some dude couldn’t cut it for ten minutes? Blech. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/25 "2009-11-27T06:35:09Z")
> [@as\_u\_wish](#): > > What came to my mind is the scene in The American President: Saw it just a few weeks ago. Maybe that scene gave me the idea for lowering expectations. > [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > This is a thing? If a man hasn’t slept with a lady for a while, he loses his touch? > > Straight people are so fascinating. So can you go for a long time without playing a musical instrument, or skiing, or doing anything else that requires some experience and skill, and then just start again at the top of your form? Am I wrong to see sex as a skill that can be enhanced with practice and lost (partially at least) without it? > [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Why would you even tell her, “it’s been a while”? You haven’t forgotten any of what you’re supposed to do. How do you know **that**? I’m not sure I ever knew half of what I was “supposed” to do, whatever that means. I sure I’ve forgotten a lot over the past mumble years. Remind me: who ties up who? > [@](#): > > You’re going to do fine – or not – based on who you are and how you feel about her, not based on how long it’s been. > > Basically, what you’re saying is, “I’m insecure about what we’re doing,” and why would you want to do that? I know where you’re coming from; my biggest mistake is always to overthink things, and what you’re doing is a species of that. Just let it happen and do your best in the moment. I think you’re right. Thanks for the reassurance. And thanks to everyone else for the advice. I don’t know exactly what I thought I could gain by saying something in advance, but as I said, I had an urge to do it. But in the back of my mind I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea, which is why I sought the experience and wisdom of the Dope. So I think I’ll keep my trap shut. If she thinks going to bed with me is a good idea, she has only herself to blame for whatever happens. I hope she doesn’t mind if I jump out of bed immediately to post in one of those “how long has it been threads” that I’ve been avoiding up till now. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/26 "2009-11-27T13:47:48Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > So I think I’ll keep my trap shut. If she thinks going to bed with me is a good idea, she has only herself to blame for whatever happens. I hope she doesn’t mind if I jump out of bed immediately to post in one of those “how long has it been threads” that I’ve been avoiding up till now. Well, considering you posted this at about 1:30AM your time, I was kind of concerned (until I read your post) that you _did_ jump out of bed immediately to tell us how it went! (“What are you doing sweetie?” “Telling my friends on the Internet how it was! Hey, where you going?”) ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/27 "2009-11-27T14:02:36Z")
Punch the clown a few hours before your date. That will give you extra staying power. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2009, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/28 "2009-11-27T14:28:36Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > Well, everyone wants to be good in bed, right? No one wants to meet a great gal and then totally blow it (pun intended), I don’t think. However, I’m pretty sure that any rational person, at least one with a functioning heart, would understand how powerfully screwed-up it would be for someone to dump their partner just because he sucked at having sex. Sex is important in a relationship but, in the grand scheme of things, a relationship which may have the potential to last a lifetime should not be decided on the basis of how good or bad the sex is. That’s just pathetically shallow. You’d give up 50 or 60 years of companionship and love just because some dude couldn’t cut it for ten minutes? Blech. Did you even read my entire post? Or did you, but choose to ignore it because it’s more fun for you to be a douche? ---
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/29 "2009-11-28T07:04:07Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Did you even read my entire post? **Or did you, but choose to ignore it because it’s more fun for you to be a douche?** I’m not even going to respond to this bullshit baiting. OP, do your thing naturally and you’ll be fine. And if she pitches a fit and wants to dump you because of a bad performance? Find someone else. ---
**Author:** ![NGC2024](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f475e1/32.png) [@NGC2024](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NGC2024)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/30 "2009-11-28T13:05:45Z")
I’d like to add that it is possible that the minute man technique is a compliment to the woman. If it’s always the result of an extended hiatus from sexual activity, please don’t ruin the illusion for me. I have had a few experiences with men where the fun, uh, didn’t last very long. In an effort to boost my own impression of my sexual prowess (because women can doubt themselves too, ya know), I’ve said to myself, “Wow, I’ve really blown this guy’s mind. That was record timing. I must have been so hot he was unable to control himself a second longer”. Naturaly, if the man had pre-apologized for his performance or made a reference toward disappointing me, I wouldn’t have been able to maintain this little fantasy. Of course, I am personally experiencing a record breaking dearth of sexual activity, so perhaps I need to revisit this whole “I’m great in the sack” theory anyway. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/31 "2009-11-28T13:41:40Z")
> [@kidneyfailure](#): > > I’m not even going to respond to this bullshit baiting. > > OP, do your thing naturally and you’ll be fine. And if she pitches a fit and wants to dump you because of a bad performance? Find someone else. It’s cool. It was pretty obvious that you didn’t read it, considering your response had very little to do with what I actually said. Though it is clear that you read at least two sentences of it, though. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/32 "2009-11-28T14:21:02Z")
Look, if sex were complicated, you wouldn’t be here. Say nothing and try to be responsive to what she seems to want and it will be fine. ---
**Author:** ![phungi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phungi/32/395_2.png) [@phungi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phungi)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/33 "2009-11-28T15:38:17Z")
> [@Cubsfan](#): > > Punch the clown a few hours before your date. That will give you extra staying power. exactly… clear the pipes and focus on her… a woman’s sexuality is no more complicated than defusing a bomb, except you want it to eventually explode… ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2009, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/34 "2009-11-28T16:13:54Z")
> [@Shannon](#): > > I have had a few experiences with men where the fun, uh, didn’t last very long. In an effort to boost my own impression of my sexual prowess (because women can doubt themselves too, ya know), I’ve said to myself, “Wow, I’ve really blown this guy’s mind. That was record timing. I must have been so hot he was unable to control himself a second longer”. I’m glad you posted this, because I’ve wondered the same thing. How often is it that a 2-minute performance is due to a man’s response to a specific woman? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/35 "2009-11-29T05:52:04Z")
I say tell her. If I was going to sleep with a guy who hadn’t gotten laid in decades, I’d want to know in advance. I’d go about things differently. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Ya know, I read these boards sometimes and feel like such a goddang harlot. I care about how good someone is in the sack. You and me both, sugar. > [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > This is a thing? If a man hasn’t slept with a lady for a while, he loses his touch? He may well be unaware of current…trends. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/36 "2009-11-29T07:30:43Z")
> [@Cubsfan](#): > > Punch the clown a few hours before your date. That will give you extra staying power. Exactly. If you’re worried about staying power (and recovery period), it’s time to abuse yourself. She’s likely to be forgiving in all situations, but it’s much better for you if you’re not able to finish than finishing early. “I’m nervous,” only sounds good in one of those situations. Good luck and have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/37 "2009-11-29T07:45:19Z")
I wouldn’t sweat it too much, on the basis that first times tend to suck anyway. Doesn’t matter if you’re a 12th level fuckmeister who learned the ancient sex secrets of Nepal, the first time with a new partner will be kind of awkward and not really worth remembering. There’s this whole mutual exploration thing to go through before the earth shattering kabooms start to happen, at least in my experience. It’s only when the fifth time is still kind of awkward and not really worth remembering that you should start worrying. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/38 "2009-11-29T08:24:24Z")
This thread is adorable. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/39 "2009-11-29T08:46:21Z")
I’m absolutely, firmly, 150% in the “say nothing” camp. Assume the best–that everything will go fine–and if it doesn’t, only then do you need to say anything. Her expectations are not likely that high. Don’t put them on the ground! ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/40 "2009-11-29T09:06:22Z")
And. for the second time in as many days, I agree completely with **kanicbird**. Just let it happen. I think where some men go wrong here is to think of it as a _performance._ Which might be fine to people who get a thrill out of performing, but for most of us that just causes anxiety. You should raise her expectations. Wait until she can’t keep her hands off you. Take things very slowly. That’s my advice. And just let it happen. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=3)