# Imminent sex after long hiatus. Should I lower her expectations in advance? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2009, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991 "2009-11-26T02:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Francella](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f6c823/32.png) [@Francella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francella)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/41 "2009-11-29T13:30:33Z")
Great thread. This is my first time on any thread in “The Straight Dope”, and it just happened to be this one. Interesting introduction, eh? You’ve had some really terrific responses. Not much to add except that one of the great loves of my life had too much alcohol before our first time (not drunk, he was just suceptible to alcohol), and simply couldn’t perform. Didn’t matter to me. Now, years later, I still remember, and from time to time think about our affair with a lot of pleasure. So, don’t worry - be yourself…especially if, as you indicate, you already know each other and are friends. I do wonder what “Mean Old Lady” meant saying _“… Sex is important in a relationship but, in the grand scheme of things, a relationship which may have the potential to last a lifetime **should not be decided on the basis of how good or bad the sex is**. That’s just pathetically shallow. You’d give up 50 or 60 years of companionship and love just because some dude couldn’t cut it for ten minutes? Blech…”_ Does she mean bad sex the first time…or that it’s never really good, and all that companionship compensates for continuing unsatisfactory sex? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/42 "2009-11-29T14:48:22Z")
> [@Francella](#): > > I do wonder what “Mean Old Lady” meant saying _“… Sex is important in a relationship but, in the grand scheme of things, a relationship which may have the potential to last a lifetime **should not be decided on the basis of how good or bad the sex is**. That’s just pathetically shallow. You’d give up 50 or 60 years of companionship and love just because some dude couldn’t cut it for ten minutes? Blech…”_ > > Does she mean bad sex the first time…or that it’s never really good, and all that companionship compensates for continuing unsatisfactory sex? I didn’t say this. I said sex is important to me, but I would **not** put too much emphasis on the first time. What you’re quoting is gibberish that **kidneyfailure** produced from his ass in response to what I said (or at least to what he thinks I said). But if you’re asking what I would do in these situations, I’ll answer. If we’re dealing with the first time being less than good, I do what I said I would do, which is put little emphasis on it. Now what would I do if I were in a relationship, the person could not be taught, and it was quite clear that there would be unenjoyable sex from here on out? I don’t know, a relationship with continued, unfulfilling sex sounds pretty bad to me. Companionship is necessary, of course, but surely there is a companion out there who knows who to screw, or at least can be taught. ---
**Author:** ![Francella](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f6c823/32.png) [@Francella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francella)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/43 "2009-11-29T14:59:49Z")
MOL: Thanks for clearing that up. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/44 "2009-11-29T15:15:25Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > This thread is adorable. This thread is depressing. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/45 "2009-11-29T15:18:50Z")
For the record, premature ejaculation was not one of the primary concerns behind my OP. But now you’ve got me worrying about that, too. Thanks! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/46 "2009-11-29T16:03:59Z")
Don’t worry about it. As someone who used to go on long deployments in the military, I can tell you it’s no big deal. An air burst, a rim shot, and then it’s all good. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/47 "2009-11-29T17:52:21Z")
Get thee to the family planning aisle of your local pharmacy and get some of those numbing condoms. They work remarkably well (although personally, I find it extremely difficult to climax with any sort of condom on). If anything, you won’t be able to finish at all, which will be bothersome for you, of course, but one less thing to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/48 "2009-11-29T23:59:42Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > I wouldn’t sweat it too much, on the basis that first times tend to suck anyway. Doesn’t matter if you’re a 12th level fuckmeister who learned the ancient sex secrets of Nepal, the first time with a new partner will be kind of awkward and not really worth remembering. There’s this whole mutual exploration thing to go through before the earth shattering kabooms start to happen, at least in my experience. Fortunately, my experience is different. I’ve had earth shattering kabooms with brand new partners. And I don’t usually find that first-time sex is awkward at all. That said, I don’t expect that, nor would I hold an awkward first time against anyone. I feel that so many people in this thread are minimizing the importance of good sex, both at first and in a relationship. There are always times where things don’t go quite right, but in the absence of some complicating factor, I’d expect sex to be pretty damn good right from the start.\* But I probably wouldn’t end up in the OP’s situation, because I like to get a good idea of what someone’s been up to recently before I jump in the sack with them. Dishonesty or holding back relevant information is a dealbreaker. If I found out that someone hadn’t told me that he hadn’t been laid in 20 years before I had sex with him, I’d probably dump him immediately. Just like I dumped the guy who neglected to tell me that he had been a virgin (back before I made sure to discuss these things beforehand.) Is it that uncommon for people to discuss their sexual history with potential partners? I thought it was just par for the course. - I’d consider a years-long hiatus a complicating factor, and a decades-long hiatus even more so. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/49 "2009-11-30T00:17:32Z")
If I were the woman in question, I would like to think that you considered the event “the first time you slept with _me_,” not “the first time you slept with a woman in a long time.” Focus on the beginning of a new, enjoyable part of your relationship with her, regardless of whether it begins with a bang or a whimper [horrible puns neither intended nor regretted]. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/50 "2009-11-30T00:20:33Z")
I’m not sure I know what you are afraid of. I don’t think it’s to be compared to a skill like playing a musical instrument as much as a skill like, oh, tying your shoes. For the record, I had a ten-year hiatus, and I don’t recall worrying that I had forgotten how to do anything! In fact, I learned some new stuff right off the bat and while the first time back in the saddle wasn’t perfect, it was pretty darn fantastic. And, for the record, the first time I picked up my flute after 25 years, I remembered all the fingerings with absolutely no thought. I wasn’t symphony-ready, but I wasn’t fourth-grade beginner either…muscle memory is a marvelous thing! So what I’m saying is, she already knows it’s been a while for you, since she is already a friend. And I believe you said you are 54? If she is close to that age and halfway intelligent she knows you aren’t some 20-year-old pup with more stamina than skill, and if she knows some of your history maybe she has an idea about the skill, too. Sex is a learning experience each and every time, not a judged performance with specific standards and expectations. Chill. Apologizing before you even try just makes her wonder what you are pre-apologizing for. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/51 "2009-11-30T00:26:40Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > If I were the woman in question, I would like to think that you considered the event “the first time you slept with _me_,” not “the first time you slept with a woman in a long time.” Focus on the beginning of a new, enjoyable part of your relationship with her, regardless of whether it begins with a bang or a whimper [horrible puns neither intended nor regretted]. Ending sex with a whimper might not be so bad, depending on the effect you’re going for… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/52 "2009-11-30T00:30:23Z")
Think about baseball! _Little league_ baseball! ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/53 "2009-11-30T00:51:42Z")
I think guys are too concerned with satisfying women, like it’s a job interview or the SAT’s. Your ability in the sack is probably the last reason you’re getting the chance at all. ---
**Author:** ![Tero1111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Tero1111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tero1111)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/54 "2009-11-30T01:01:32Z")
Maybe rent Something With Mary and watch it together with her. Guys and their ejaculations can be hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/55 "2009-11-30T03:57:57Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Just like I dumped the guy who neglected to tell me that he had been a virgin Umm…maybe because he was afraid you would dump him _before_ the sex if he told you? Seriously, how are we guys supposed to predict what a girl’s reaction is going to be to a revelation like that? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/56 "2009-11-30T04:30:41Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > It’s cool. It was pretty obvious that you didn’t read it, considering your response had very little to do with what I actually said. Though it is clear that you read at least two sentences of it, though. Carry on. Well, when you degenerate into namecalling instead of actually responding to what was said, it generally indicates you didn’t read it either. Yet, apparently you did because a Brand New Poster[sup]TM[/sup] got an actual response out of you. I personally find that finding true companionship is much harder than having good sex, as I can handle that last part by myself, if nothing else. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/57 "2009-11-30T04:58:50Z")
\ **MeanOldLady** , if you’re going to live up to your name, do so in the Pit and not in any of the other forums, please. You need to acquaint yourself with our rules concerning personal attacks. The general rule is “attack what the poster says, not the poster.” Please take that to heart. Thank you. \ ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/58 "2009-11-30T07:23:34Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > I think guys are too concerned with satisfying women, like it’s a job interview or the SAT’s. Your ability in the sack is probably the last reason you’re getting the chance at all. Indeed. Usually I am more concerned about whether _she_ will be able to satisfy _me_. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/59 "2009-11-30T12:50:40Z")
> [@Soapbox\_Monkey](#): > > Umm…maybe because he was afraid you would dump him _before_ the sex if he told you? > > Seriously, how are we guys supposed to predict what a girl’s reaction is going to be to a revelation like that? Why would I dump him for that? Withholding relevant information is a far greater wrong than a relative lack of sexual experience. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/60 "2009-11-30T13:17:31Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Why would I dump him for that? > > Withholding relevant information is a far greater wrong than a relative lack of sexual experience. Did he lie about his lack of experience, or was it just never discussed until afterwards? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=4)