# Imminent sex after long hiatus. Should I lower her expectations in advance? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2009, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991 "2009-11-26T02:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/61 "2009-11-30T14:35:55Z")
> [@Rico](#): > > \ > > **MeanOldLady** , if you’re going to live up to your name, do so in the Pit and not in any of the other forums, please. > > You need to acquaint yourself with our rules concerning personal attacks. The general rule is “attack what the poster says, not the poster.” > > Please take that to heart. Thank you. > > \ So this guy accuses me of being “pathetically shallow,” and "Blech"s at me, accusing me of pretty much the _ **exact opposite** _ of what I said, then I ask why not read the entire post, instead of being douchy and harping all over two sentences, and I get called out. Fair enough. > [@BigT](#): > > Well, when you degenerate into namecalling instead of actually responding to what was said, it generally indicates you didn’t read it either. Yet, apparently you did because a Brand New Poster[sup]TM[/sup] got an actual response out of you. Asking me a question, even while horribly misquoting me = actual response. Asking non-question questions that could have been answered had he read the following 5 or 6 sentences = \*not \*an actual response. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/62 "2009-11-30T17:36:35Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Did he lie about his lack of experience, or was it just never discussed until afterwards? I think it probably was that he didn’t say anything at all about it or else I would have remembered. But I consider it lying by omission. You can tell someone about a long hiatus or virginity without “apologizing” or telling her it’s going to be bad. It’s just telling her what the situation is. The result will be lowered expectations, but that can only be a good thing here. I care about how my partner feels, even if it’s just a casual thing. If someone withholds this kind of information, he’s denying me the chance to provide him with the best experience that I can, and denying himself that too. In a situation like this, at the very least I’d try to avoid doing anything that would make him more nervous than he probably already is. Contrast Mr. Secret Virgin with another virgin I dated. (I dated both of these guys in college, by the way) The other guy, D, told me he was a virgin. I let him set the pace of becoming more intimate. It was slower than I might have liked or ordinarily expected, but it was more than okay with me because I knew where he was coming from. When it was time to do the deed, he was so nervous that he lost his erection as soon as he tried to put a condom on. It happened the next time, too. The third time wasn’t going so well either, so I put it on, using a blowjob as a diversionary technique, and things went just fine. There was no problem after that. Instead of wondering “what’s up with this guy? Is this going to be an ongoing problem?” I knew exactly what was up with the guy, and knew that those couple of incidents probably didn’t have anything to do with how things would be once we got over that proverbial hump. And they were most excellent. I remember that first time with D quite fondly, and I expect that he does too. (He still holds the title of “my favorite ex.” He was a great guy all around.) I doubt that Mr. Secret Virgin has very good memories of his first time. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/63 "2009-11-30T17:45:37Z")
Man, with a name like Mr. Secret Virgin, you’d think you’d have figured it out without him having to tell you. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/64 "2009-11-30T18:06:35Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I think it probably was that he didn’t say anything at all about it or else I would have remembered. But I consider it lying by omission. True, but if he was unfamiliar with The Act, he was probably also unfamiliar with the disclosure requirements prior to The Act. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Man, with a name like Mr. Secret Virgin, you’d think you’d have figured it out without him having to tell you. Funny. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/65 "2009-11-30T18:14:56Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > True, but if he was unfamiliar with The Act, he was probably also unfamiliar with the disclosure requirements prior to The Act. Plus, it’s kind of counterintuitive. People always say you shouldn’t talk about previous sexual experiences - now he’s in trouble because he didn’t talk about previous sexual experiences. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/66 "2009-11-30T18:27:59Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Plus, it’s kind of counterintuitive. People always say you shouldn’t talk about previous sexual experiences - now he’s in trouble because he didn’t talk about previous sexual experiences. Who says that you shouldn’t talk about previous sexual experience? I’ve never heard that before. Unless you’re talking about discussing the specifics of who-did-what-with-who-and-when, which is a different story. But don’t you all generally discuss what you like and don’t like before jumping into the sack with someone? Don’t you try and determine whether you’re at least in the same ballpark with regard to vanillaness vs. kinkiness? Whether either of you feels that sex implies a commitment of some sort? And don’t you have the STD/safe sex/birth control discussion? A general picture of sexual experience is a natural consequence of talking about this kind of stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/67 "2009-11-30T18:42:11Z")
Well, maybe nowadays, although I’ve been in a relationship more or less all of my adult life. Back in college, though, I pretty much just put down my beer and got to work. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/68 "2009-11-30T18:52:46Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I pretty much just put down my beer and got to work. And they say chivalry is dead. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/69 "2009-11-30T18:58:12Z")
**RNATB** : I hear you. And the pre-sex communication thing is something that did come with maturity. But sheesh! Mr. Secret Virgin had told me his whole bizarre life story by that point—born in a commune, unspecified father, then mom joined a cult, rescued by family but mom refused to leave, therefore abandoned by mom, mom still in cults, weird commune/cult upbringing caused major problems fitting in with family and regular kids, unpleasant results of that, etc. etc. etc. He claimed he’d never told anybody the whole story before. In light of all that, I would have thought he’d have told me if he was a virgin! **Robot Arm** : Sounds pretty chivalrous to me. At least he didn’t make 'em listen to his whole bizarre life story! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/70 "2009-11-30T19:03:11Z")
The OP is overthinking things. Sex is not like riding a bike or playing a musical instrument. If that was the case, most animals wouldn’t be able to do it. Neither would a majority of people. Good sex has more to do with chemistry than skill, IMO. Don’t apologize for bad sex ahead of time. It kills the mood. If you’ve shared anything about your past relationships to her, she should already know (or has a rough idea) that it’s been a long time. And if she doesn’t know, I don’t see anything earth-shatteringly wrong about communicating this _after_ you’ve had sex, when some explaining may be warranted. > [@Greenbean](#): > > Withholding relevant information is a far greater wrong than a relative lack of sexual experience. Why does it become lying by omission the minute that sex has been had? Seems to be kind of an arbitrary cut off point. It wouldn’t be immediately obvious to me to tell a partner the last time I’ve been laid unless I was specifically asked. Precisely because it’s not all that relevant. If I was laid last month, that doesn’t mean sex will be great and if I was laid 10 years ago, that doesn’t mean sex will suck. If first-time sex ends up sucking because the OP doesn’t disclose how long it’s been for him, I guess that will be disappointing. But there is always second-time sex and third-time sex and so on. One night of less than pristine sex has never killed anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/71 "2009-11-30T19:10:27Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Why does it become lying by omission the minute that sex has been had? It doesn’t. That just happens to be when he told me. Immediately after. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/72 "2009-11-30T19:11:29Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > And they say chivalry is dead. I probably could have gotten away with _not_ putting down the beer in those days. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/73 "2009-11-30T19:11:52Z")
There is truly no faster way to ruin the heat of the moment than a guy making some self depreciating joke about how it’s been a while, so ya know. . . ugh. Seriously, all those tingly awesome sensations in me die instantly. That said, if finishing fast isn’t your concern, what is? Are you afraid you’ll forget where the hole is or something? If it’s technique, just make sure you ask her what she likes, have her tell you what feels good. Read some tutorials on how to give good head to give you a refresher and go to town. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/74 "2009-11-30T19:21:09Z")
By the way, **commasense** , we all expect an account of your adventure, if and when it does happen. Don’t work us up into this state of excited anticipation and then leave us hanging. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2009, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/75 "2009-11-30T22:54:48Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > I think guys are too concerned with satisfying women, like it’s a job interview or the SAT’s. Your ability in the sack is probably the last reason you’re getting the chance at all. Do remember this - very few women go to bed with men who are either reputed to be good in bed or announce it early on. For the most part, it’s because you’re funny, smart, and handsome. The first time is always a bit nerve-wracking; it will ONLY get better. My vote is firmly in the “mention it lightheartedly afterwards” camp. ---
**Author:** ![Inter\_Alia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@Inter\_Alia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inter_Alia)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/76 "2009-12-02T19:17:48Z")
**commasense** , can I hijack your thread a bit? Sex is imminent. Possibly this weekend. I’m extremely nervous. I haven’t had sex in _mumble_ years. I’m not very experienced. He’s older and very experienced. Part of the reason he stayed with his ex was the sex was so good. I have a lot to live up to, and not much to give. Do I tell him my worries, or do I fake it like I’m confident in what I’m doing? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/77 "2009-12-02T20:13:29Z")
> [@Inter\_Alia](#): > > I have a lot to live up to, and not much to give. :eek: I hereby order you to stop thinking that way. Look at it from his point of view: He gets to go to bed with a much younger partner! Trust me; you could be texting the whole time and he wouldn’t complain. 😃 More seriously, I think your obstacle is your insecurity, not your inexperience. Everyone has exes, and every ex is going to be better at _something_ than you are. But what you have to remember is that he left them behind, and he chose to be with you. He appreciates you and wants to be with you, and that more than anything will make things turn out fine in the bedroom. Concentrate on communication, mixed with positive thinking. I.e., don’t say, “I’m nervous because I don’t know what I’m doing.” Say, “I want to make you happy; what can I do?” Hopefully, he won’t respond like [this](http://www.dailywav.com/0400/beast.wav) (warning: WAV), but you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/78 "2009-12-03T05:09:32Z")
Hey **Inter Alia** , what say you and I get a little practice in with each other before our big nights with our new partners? Watcha doing tomorrow night? 😃 ETA: You are female, aren’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/79 "2009-12-03T12:09:31Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > ETA: You are female, aren’t you? No wonder it’s been a long dry spell if your standards are so high. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2009, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991/80 "2009-12-03T14:22:09Z")
> [@Inter\_Alia](#): > > I have a lot to live up to, and not much to give. Do I tell him my worries, or do I fake it like I’m confident in what I’m doing? This may come as a surprise, but it’s virtually impossible for a female to be _bad_ at sex (as in, penetrative intercourse). As long as you don’t just lay there, he’ll enjoy it fine. Are there things you can do to make it better? Certainly - but honestly, the sort of women guys like to make lewd comments about (cortortionists, etc.) are wildly overrated. Now, you can work yourself way up on his all-time list by being open to trying new things, and so on, but that’s not really necessary the first time. Let him know how he’s doing. Moaning, panting, arching, clawing, screaming his name - all good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/imminent-sex-after-long-hiatus-should-i-lower-her-expectations-in-advance/518991.md?page=5)