# Impossible Christmas Gifts **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 2, 2001, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408 "2001-12-02T03:11:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/1 "2001-12-02T03:11:49Z")
Ok, so because you’ve been a VERY good boy or girl, Santa is going to pull out the stops and give you _anything_ you ask for. So what do you want for Christmas? I’ll pick having my wife tell me: “I’ve started taking replacement hormones, and it’s making me so horny! Can we have sex at least twice a day from now on?” ---
**Author:** ![DPWhite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d26b3c/32.png) [@DPWhite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPWhite)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/2 "2001-12-02T03:42:14Z")
Cameron Diaz ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/3 "2001-12-02T03:50:08Z")
I’d settle for the good old _Suitcase Full O’ Cash_™. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/4 "2001-12-02T03:52:19Z")
An Italian villa in the Tuscany region decorated to my specifications. One of my wealthy relatives taking an oath of poverty and giving me all his worldly assets. Claudia Christian under my tree wearing nothing but a big red bow and come hither look. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/5 "2001-12-02T04:06:57Z")
A real pirate ship with a crew of scurvy dogs to command, and some nice juicy Ships of the Line to attack and plunder. Garr! ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/6 "2001-12-02T04:08:52Z")
A strange and obscure virus that only affects only people who kill out of greed or unjustified hatred. Deadly, but painful, slow and debilitating first. (bloodthirsty, ain’t I?) For the rest of us, greater insight into ourselves and everyone else. Greater love, greater understanding, greater acceptance. More growth, more willingness to accept responsibility, and more focus on making things right rather than bemoaning what is wrong. More happiness and more joy. Less time spent trying to fix others, and more time trying to be the best that we each can be. And the grand prize in the lotto while you’re at it. ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/7 "2001-12-02T04:13:30Z")
International fame and a drooling army of fanboys! ---
**Author:** ![Kayeby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de0a6/32.png) [@Kayeby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kayeby)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/8 "2001-12-02T06:09:14Z")
A gorgeous house in a gorgeous neighborhood that I’ve had my eye on for _years_. Or more realistically, a Louis Vuitton clutch or pocketbook. ---
**Author:** ![Hanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b3f665/32.png) [@Hanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanna)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/9 "2001-12-02T06:25:35Z")
Someone posted this last year, a [Luxury submarine](http://ussubs.com/Luxury_folder/lux.phoenix.html). Wouldn’t owning that rock? ---
**Author:** ![pincushion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d9b06d/32.png) [@pincushion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pincushion)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/10 "2001-12-02T07:45:17Z")
I’d get my own private island with enough supplies to last a lifetime. And a yacht so I can go to the mainland whenever I please. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/11 "2001-12-02T07:48:15Z")
My own Zoo, and staff, so I never have to clean another cage! I still get to play with the animals, though! ---
**Author:** ![Catfood\_Purrito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Catfood\_Purrito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catfood_Purrito)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/12 "2001-12-02T08:47:15Z")
To be in Redding, California instead of freakin’ Iowa. But nooooooo I have to spend Christmas surrounded by snow and morons when I could be snuggling with my sweetie. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![Tedster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@Tedster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tedster)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/13 "2001-12-02T08:56:09Z")
That people who don’t like Iowa would go back where the fuck they came from… ---
**Author:** ![Catfood\_Purrito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Catfood\_Purrito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catfood_Purrito)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/14 "2001-12-02T09:25:57Z")
Actually, Iowa **is** where I come from. Except for a brief stint in Minnesota, I’ve lived here all my life. The morons I refer to are my family, not Iowans in general. Didn’t mean to imply anything negative about the fine citizens of this lovely, but dreadfully Jake-less, state. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Kbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kbean)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/15 "2001-12-02T14:18:11Z")
Either the island of Barbados, or the ability to read minds. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/16 "2001-12-02T14:47:27Z")
Superpowers would be nice. Preferably the ability to walk through walls, or maybe invisability. ---
**Author:** ![robgruver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@robgruver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robgruver)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/17 "2001-12-02T14:49:10Z")
That everyone in the world could just sit down and be groovy. Stop all the foolishness and get down. Hell, I say give everyone in the world a couple of joints and fire them up at the same time. We would all be doing pretty good for a while, and perhaps learn a bit about each other in the process. Outside of that a system that plays X-Box, PS2, and Gamecube games. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/18 "2001-12-02T15:42:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Creaky \* > \*\*A real pirate ship with a crew of scurvy dogs to command, and some nice juicy Ships of the Line to attack and plunder. > > Garr! \*\* Careful what you wish for, Creaky. Ships of the Line were enormous 80 guns or better with huge crews. Pirate ships (for example, the Queen Anne’s Revenge) were converted merchant ships, comparatively lightly armed. Even if you could plunder one, all you’d get for your pains would be some naval stores and a lot of prisoners who hadn’t bathed in a couple of years. What you want is some nice juicy merchant convoys from the East India Company, or maybe a Spanish Treasure Galleon from the New World. Hmmm, so what I’d like is a few more Patrick O’Brian novels, alas… ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/19 "2001-12-02T16:02:31Z")
Next week’s newspaper. With infallible knowledge of what is to be, I could buy winning lottery tickets, bet heavily at the racetrack (haven’t been in 20 years, but I haven’t had the paper in adavnce before…) and dole out benisons to my friends. (\*\* TP \*\*, go to the offtrack betting (separate pools) and bet the following horses - 2 in the first, 4 in the 2nd…etc - let it ride - give other friends 5 of the 6 lotto numbers so it doesn’t decrease my prize, etc.). ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2001, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408/20 "2001-12-02T16:09:35Z")
Peace, good health and happiness for everyone. A big 4 bedroom 4 and a half bathroom house with a den, 2 laundry rooms and a 4 car garage on 5 acres so my Mom could come live with me. The money to start my own business and for the LIONsob to start his own too. Cook Housekeeper (for the big house) Gardener (for the five acres) 12 young studs at my beck and call Garth Brooks to sing to me any time I want him to. A new hand mixer (hey I had to add something I might get !) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/impossible-christmas-gifts/96408.md?page=2)