# Improve any book with the addition of Zombies, Ninjas or Pirates
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [February 26, 2016, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195 "2016-02-26T14:33:10Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/1 "2016-02-26T14:33:10Z")
It is my theory that any classic novel, no matter how turgid and dry, can be improved by the addition of pirates, ninjas or zombies.
Let’s try it and see if it works. :
The **Little House** books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Most people agree that the latter books lose a lot of the charm of the earlier books. But what if we pep the books up a bit by, instead of going to “Blind School”, Mary was taken to a secret dojo in a hidden volcano lair and trained to be a ninja? She would certainly have made short work of that one crazed bitch of a teacher (Liza-Jane?). It would certainly have added a well-needed bit of action to that section (instead of Laura malicously rocking her desk back and forth, Blind Mary could crash through a window and decapitate Liza-Jane and quip something like “I have solved your head-lice problem, Liza-Jane! Ahahaha!”.
**The Cat In The Hat**
“Put me down!” said the fish
“I do not wish to fall”
“Put me down!” said the fish
“This is no fun at all!”
Have no fear!” said The Cat.
“I will not let you fall.
I will hold you up high
As I stand on a ball.
With a knife on one hand!
And a black pointy hat!
But that is not ALL I can do!’
Said the cat
“With my black magic tome
I will raise the undead
They’ll scoop out your brains
When they rip off your head!”
But The Fish said "No! No!
You do not wish to play
with the zombie undead
you will just have to slay.
He should _not_ be in here
He should not be about
He should not raise the dead
When your mother is out!"
Try it yourself. It’s a miracle of modern literature!
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/2 "2016-02-26T15:55:04Z")
“Call me Ish… .”
BRAINS!
(I believe you’re right. Good for you, **Fenris**.)
---
### Author:  [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/3 "2016-02-26T16:16:13Z")
Can I do a play instead of a book? The pirate Hamlet talks to his parrot:
\*
“To be or not to be…ARRR!” \*
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### Author:  [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/4 "2016-02-26T16:44:43Z")
The Andromeda Strain. Instead of coagulating all your blood in three seconds, the bacteria causes you to turn into a zombie. Picture the two scientists being chased around Piedmont AZ by zombies. Zombies staggering around Wildfire, chasing the cute nurses and lab techs.
On second thought, maybe that’s too easy. I might give someone an idea to do it. For all I know, it’s been done.
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/5 "2016-02-26T16:47:26Z")
That should be the **Dread Pirate Hamlet** , then you could tie-in “The Princess Bride.”
“To be or not to be…Inconceivable!”
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/6 "2016-02-26T16:50:08Z")
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. And then there were the zombies. Oh my god the zombies. Everywhere you look the zombies. The good thing is that since most of them had been guillotined they didn’t have much sense of direction, but being French their severed heads still managed to turn up their nose at an Englishman, which is why I enjoyed kicking them sentient and chomping like a soccer ball.
And what was the name of that waiter? Jean Luc! He was a zombie too, but made a hell of an espresso.
---
### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/7 "2016-02-26T16:53:01Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#):
>
> The Andromeda Strain. Instead of coagulating all your blood in three seconds, the bacteria causes you to turn into a zombie. Picture the two scientists being chased around Piedmont AZ by zombies. Zombies staggering around Wildfire, chasing the cute nurses and lab techs.
>
> On second thought, maybe that’s too easy. I might give someone an idea to do it. For all I know, it’s been done.
> [@Sampiro](#):
>
> It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. And then there were the zombies. Oh my god the zombies. Everywhere you look the zombies. The good thing is that since most of them had been guillotined they didn’t have much sense of direction, but being French their severed heads still managed to turn up their nose at an Englishman, which is why I enjoyed kicking them sentient and chomping like a soccer ball.
> And what was the name of that waiter? Jean Luc! He was a zombie too, but made a hell of an espresso.
[A comment:](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6F6u5TIUbI)
---
### Author:  [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/8 "2016-02-26T17:57:13Z")
I might like Animal Farm more if a team of ninjas came in and took the farm back, killing all the [del]communists[/del] animals, and restoring the farm to its rightful owner. Even ninja animals! Ninja pig, ninja pig, does whatever a ninja pig does…
The Lifeboat could certainly used some good pirates. I hated Grace so much, and she never got her comuppance. Maybe being kidnapped by pirates might be a start.
Gone Girl. If Amy got killed by ninjas, pirates or zombies, or all three at once, it would be a good thing! And then, we can follow their adventures, and forget Nick completely.
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### Author:  [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/9 "2016-02-26T19:10:38Z")
_ **Treasure Island** _ already has pirates, so it shouldn’t be difficult to throw in some zombies and a ship full of ninjas.
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### Author:  [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/10 "2016-02-26T20:28:07Z")
No appreciation for the classics. :mad:
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/11 "2016-02-26T21:46:26Z")
Annabel Lee and Zombies
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
But she chomped on the flesh
And tore through the flesh
From their thigh right down to their knee
They with the angels fell out
As they bled the hell out
Thanks to my girl Annabel Lee!
---
### Author:  [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/12 "2016-02-26T23:04:18Z")
SQUIRE TRELAWNEY, Dr. Livesey, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted, I take up my pen in the year of grace 17\_\_ and go back to the time when my father kept the Admiral Benbow inn and the brown old ninja with the sabre cut first took up his lodging under our roof.
Edit: FFS, missed Chimera’s post
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2016, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/13 "2016-02-26T23:07:43Z")
“Katie Scarlett O’Hara, I’ll not be havin’ you cavorting around town with ninjas and pirates! You’re married and you’ll stay married to Charles Hamilton. Tis chained in the barn he is at the moment but once we get him housetrained it’s back in the house he comes! Better a dead southern boy for a husband than a live Yankee or a pirate!”
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### Author:  [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)
#### Post date: [February 27, 2016, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/14 "2016-02-27T00:02:30Z")
_ **Shogun** _ already has pirates AND ninjas. I mean, I guess we could zombie-fy Mariko.
“Anjin-san, thou must send more Jesuits”
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### Author:  [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)
#### Post date: [February 27, 2016, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/15 "2016-02-27T00:10:42Z")
> [@gnoitall](#):
>
> No appreciation for the classics. :mad:
A zombie may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A ninja must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A pirate must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
A robot may not harm humanity, or by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [February 27, 2016, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/16 "2016-02-27T21:06:52Z")
High on the hill
Lived a lonely Ninja
Lay odo lay odo lay, haiku!
Lethal and quiet was the lonely Ninja
Osaka and Akita and a lay!
Samurai at the castle doing their duty
Heard lay and Kyoto and alay haiku
Pirates drinking rum on a boat full of booty
Heard lady old Toledo,odo lay!
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### Author:  [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2016, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/17 "2016-03-03T20:26:41Z")
The Scarlett Letter would have been vastly improved if zombies had eaten everyone on the first page.
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### Author:  [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2016, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/18 "2016-03-03T20:32:03Z")
The Scarlett Pimpernel on the other hand… Zombies, Ninjas AND the French Revolution?
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### Author:  [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)
#### Post date: [March 3, 2016, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/19 "2016-03-03T23:51:24Z")
From Les Mis:h
I dreamed a dream that I could be
Not so tired from my killing
I dreamed that I could be so good
At killing what needs killing
I had a dream that I could kill
All of the zombies that I saw
And now zombies are all I seeeeeee
---
### Author:  [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)
#### Post date: [March 4, 2016, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/improve-any-book-with-the-addition-of-zombies-ninjas-or-pirates/747195/20 "2016-03-04T02:29:07Z")
When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton.
Bilbo was very rich and very peculiar, and had been the wonder of the Shire for sixty years, ever since his remarkable disappearance and unexpected return. The riches he had brought back from his travels had now become a local legend, and it was popularly believed, whatever the old folk might say, that the Hill at Bag End was full of tunnels stuffed with treasure. Though there were also curious rumours of strange noises heard at night around Bag End, and the disappearance of more than a few would-be treasure-hunters who had tried to investigate those tunnels had caused repeated sensations in Hobbiton.
And if that was not enough for fame, there was also Bilbo’s prolonged vigour to marvel at. Time wore on, but it seemed to have little effect on Mr. Baggins. At ninety he was much the same as at fifty. At ninety-nine they began to call him _well-preserved_, but _unchanged_ would have been nearer the mark. There were some that shook their heads and wondered: what might old Bilbo be eating, in his hobbit-hole all alone?
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