# In general, who ranks higher - Spouses or Offspring? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2014, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618 "2014-09-16T01:35:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/21 "2014-09-16T11:23:49Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#): > > The way I view the concept of “ranking” is this. > Should a madman hand me a gun and say “shoot your spouse or one of your kids” then there is no contest. Mrs Novelty Bobble is getting a cap in her ass. > She’d be furious if I decided any other way and the same applies were she asked to choose…I’d be (quite rightly) taken down to funky town. > > Would any parents choose differently? Well, since you put it that way, I agree with that scenario. If a madman gives me a gun with that ultimatum, and there’s no way I can shoot the madman then yes, Mrs Novelty Bobble is getting a cap in her ass! 😃 Seriously, I’d do the same thing. I think most patents would. I view ranking a little differently. In my family my priority is in my relationship to my spouse. That forms the foundational basis for my family. Upon that foundation are built our relationships with our kids. > [@AK84](#): > > I wonder if the answers would be any different if their the spouse is a step parent to the kids? And my wife is version 2, so she’s their step mom. The same ‘ranking’ applies. The same ranking applied with version 1, also. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/22 "2014-09-16T11:37:09Z")
I would think it depends on what the situation is. Who should get the big piece of chicken? Whomever is making the most money in the house probably has the best claim. That’s probably not the 12-year-old Wii playing youth sitting at the table. Who should get your kidney? Well, it makes sense that the kid, who’s carrying half of your genes, should get it, so that he can then go on to have his own kids (and your grandkids)…as opposed to the guy/girl who’s probably going to divorce you when you get old and fat. ---
**Author:** ![DrumBum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e79b87/32.png) [@DrumBum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrumBum)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/23 "2014-09-16T11:52:39Z")
One daughter at university and she outranks spouse and me. She is the future whereas we are the past. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/24 "2014-09-16T11:58:20Z")
I once read that If a man has to choose between saving his wife or his child he will choose his wife because they can have another child If a woman has to choose between saving her husband or her child she will choose her child because she can get another husband ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/25 "2014-09-16T12:26:30Z")
Horribly written question. My SO outranks my children. Her opinions and decisions are more important than my children’s. The children’s opinions will be noted and considered when making decisions but it is not the deciding factor. Adults outrank children. If you are really asking who’s well being is more important then it’s the children. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/26 "2014-09-16T13:08:55Z")
I don’t understand the question well enough to answer it. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/27 "2014-09-16T16:22:33Z")
Impossible to answer. I would give my life for my children, but not necessarily my spouse. I would, presumably, grieve more over the death of my child v my spouse. But, at the end of the day, we raised them to be independent of us. I want them to live wildly happy, productive lives…somewhere else. My husband is my soulmate and my best friend. I want him by my side, sharing the same house and bed, until I die. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/28 "2014-09-16T16:24:51Z")
My children need me more more than my wife, but they would disagree, and so would she. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/29 "2014-09-16T16:33:20Z")
I am single and childless, so I’ve never had a chance to test a philosophy regarding this. The way it worked for my mom, though, was that her husband (my father) came before her children in order to preserve the marriage so that the marriage was an asset in taking care of the children. She raised three healthy, contributing children who love her dearly into adulthood and has been married for more than 45 years, so I’d say it worked for her. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/30 "2014-09-16T16:45:18Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > This. I’m kind of a pinko commie about this, I guess. It’s not about rank or dole or fair, it’s about who needs me (or us) more at this moment. That shifts and changes, and we change to meet that need. When my husband was in the ICU, the kids knew I’d be there a lot and they better step up and help out and do without me for a bit more than normal. When one of them is having drama at school, my husband knows we’re going for Thai Food and picking an annoying movie he has no interest in. When I’m having a meltdown because work is driving me bonkers, the three of them cook dinner and lock me in the bathroom until I take a bath and chill out. This is the definition of family that I was raised with. Everyone in the family is important enough to have their needs/wants ranked #1 sometimes. Circumstances determine when that happens. Everyone gives AND takes, and one of the biggest considerations in prioritizing is, “What is best for the family as a whole?” The idea of choosing who is always most important runs counter to the very definition of “family.” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/31 "2014-09-16T17:02:01Z")
Not a parent, but if I was, I’d rank the spouse higher. Reason being that I chose her and she chose me. Kids cannot be chosen, or divorced, so them being dicks that I can’t stand is more likely to happen. Plus I can always make more but it takes a lot of effort to find someone you are compatible with and likes you back ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/32 "2014-09-16T17:22:47Z")
As a step parent I often perceive the hierarchy that my wife uses when considering who’s feelings should be spared, in order of priority: [ol] [li]Herself[/li][li]Her children[/li][li]Her children’s father (as it would impact their children)[/li][li]People at work[/li][li]Random strangers we encounter[/li][li]Me[/li][/ol] So, for her the answer would be that Children rank higher. For me, as a step parent, the answer would be Spouse. For if my spouse were to meet and untimely end (Og forbid), the children would necessarily revert back to their bio father. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/33 "2014-09-16T17:52:45Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Horribly written question. > > My SO outranks my children. Her opinions and decisions are more important than my children’s. The children’s opinions will be noted and considered when making decisions but it is not the deciding factor This, exactly^. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/34 "2014-09-17T13:30:28Z")
My mother always said that you spouse is the most important person in your life and I have always lived by that. Even more surprising, considering how controlling my mother was, she respected it when it became clear that my wife was more important than my mother. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/35 "2014-09-17T13:52:18Z")
See, in the rankings of “how much you appreciate, respect, trust this person, which one is the one you make adult decisions with, and whom do you want to be forever and ever by your side”, spouse should rank higher. In the ranking of “who in this family better survive to live another day”, then the kids. And I can see different people responding depending what question is being asked. Certainly my parents have made it clear that the person they want by their side is each other, not me. Yet they’ve also made it clear that the ones they’ll sacrifice their lives for is/are their kid(s) (mom has me, dad has 2 more). ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/36 "2014-09-17T13:58:17Z")
Quite an interesting question and poll! I am a mother and my children will always come first. Spouses come and go. Children are forever. It’s my job as a parent to make sure they always come first above spouse, above myself. ---
**Author:** ![Skara\_Brae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/37 "2014-09-17T15:32:23Z")
I guess I am confused about what “comes first” means. Does that mean if your spouse likes vanilla ice cream and the kids like chocolate, then you’re always buying chocolate cause the kids come first? Do the kids determine everything? ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/38 "2014-09-17T20:32:00Z")
Being 71 & not on my first marriage, there really should be a ‘depends’ ( way to easy I know but… ) choice. Things change. So I need to be able to check 2 different or even 3 at one time or another during my life. No flat, all the time answer will not come close to correct. Not even family, blood, or extended vs stranger or non family member will be a single answer or a usual choice. Way too many realistic variables noted during my life. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/39 "2014-09-17T20:55:56Z")
My relationship with my spouse can change (i.e. she’d no longer be my spouse). My kids are my kids no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618/40 "2014-09-17T20:57:43Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Impossible to answer. > > I would give my life for my children, but not necessarily my spouse. I would, presumably, grieve more over the death of my child v my spouse. But, at the end of the day, we raised them to be independent of us. I want them to live wildly happy, productive lives…somewhere else. > > My husband is my soulmate and my best friend. I want him by my side, sharing the same house and bed, until I die. This is a great response. I’m non-parent and voted that spouse should be more important, with my reasoning being almost exactly this. While a relationship with a child is/should be just as permanent as with a spouse, the child is meant to go off on their own and have an independent life. A spouse, on the other hand, we tend to expect will be a lifelong, daily companion until death. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-general-who-ranks-higher-spouses-or-offspring/698618.md?page=3)