# In lesbian couples, always a normal looking one and a butch one? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 23, 2001, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683 "2001-08-23T06:11:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/1 "2001-08-23T06:11:26Z")
Almost always, whenever I see a real lesbian couple there is a pretty, “normal” looking girl, and a more stereotypical butch girl. Is this just my experience, or is this a common phenomenon? ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/2 "2001-08-23T06:14:03Z")
I assume you mean as opposed to an **unreal lesbian couple**? ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/3 "2001-08-23T06:22:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kniz \* > \*\*I assume you mean as opposed to an **unreal lesbian couple**? \*\* Actually, yes. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/4 "2001-08-23T06:29:43Z")
He probably means as opposed to porn lesbians. ---
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/5 "2001-08-23T06:52:15Z")
Of course, if there are two normal looking women together, you’re likely to think they’re friends, maybe sisters or cousins, rather than a couple… ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/6 "2001-08-23T06:55:49Z")
Yes, I have wondered if it was just that when there was an odd pairing is the only time I noticed. That is one of the reasons I posted here, hoping that a someone with more experience then I knew the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Grither](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grither/32/425_2.png) [@Grither](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grither)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/7 "2001-08-23T09:50:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Muad’Dib \* > \*\*Almost always, whenever I see a real lesbian couple there is a pretty, “normal” looking girl, and a more stereotypical butch girl. > > Is this just my experience, or is this a common phenomenon? \*\* Well, the butch/femme thing became a stereotype somehow, although my WAG is that it mostly came from ig-nant straight people trying to force their perceptions onto other peoples’ relationships. I know a LOT of Lesbian couples, and only a few fit into this model. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/8 "2001-08-23T09:56:12Z")
Pssst, the butch-looking one with close-cropped hair, dungarees and possibly tattoos, is a _plumber_, not a lesbian. ---
**Author:** ![CnoteChris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/278dde/32.png) [@CnoteChris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CnoteChris)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/9 "2001-08-23T12:26:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Grither \* > **Well, the butch/femme thing became a stereotype somehow, although my WAG is that it mostly came from ig-nant straight people trying to force their perceptions onto other peoples’ relationships. > I know a LOT of Lesbian couples, and only a few fit into this model.** No offense, but if you’ve actually seen this phenomenon in your own circle of lesbian friends, then how can you _then_ say it’s only a problem of a straight persons perception? And an ignorant straight persons perception to boot? If you know a lot of lesbian couples, and a few fit that model, then it doesn’t seem to me to be that unfair of an assumption. Not that I agree that _all_ lesbians are ‘normal looking paired with butch’, not at all, I echo **flodnak’s** thought, but it’s unfair to say that the notion is a ignorant straight persons perception if it’s actually out there. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/10 "2001-08-23T12:43:31Z")
And some of us don’t really look like much of anything. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/11 "2001-08-23T13:18:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*And some of us don’t really look like much of anything. \*\* Really? AWESOME! You should post in the “is invisibility a physical impossibility?” thread! Do people bump into you all the time? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Servo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/49beb7/32.png) [@Servo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Servo)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/12 "2001-08-23T13:22:00Z")
My ex-lesbian-roommate [ex roommate, not ex lesbian] had a problem with this. She’s a feminine lesbian and always complained that she wasn’t able to find other lesbians who didn’t look like lumberjacks. My boyfriend and I used to tell her “Of course those are the only lesbians you can find…those are the only women who are obviously lesbians.” [I know this is a generalization, but we were making a point.] She wasn’t trying very hard to meet people. The really sad point to all of this is that she tends to stay in really bad, unhealthy relationships for much longer than she should, because it’s so hard for her to find suitable potential girlfriends. But more to the point… Most of the women she has dated are feminine. And of her friends that I have met they all seem to prefer feminine women. The problem is that two straight-looking women walking down the street – even if they’re holding hands – aren’t obviously a couple. Two straight-looking men walking down the street holding hands…I don’t care if they’re wearing Hooters t-shirts, it’s a safe bet they’re gay. This isn’t just true for straight folk; my lesbian roommate couldn’t pick them out either. Apparently lesbian gaydar technology hasn’t advanced as quickly as the gay male version. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/13 "2001-08-23T13:41:14Z")
… as opposed to straight couples, where you have a stereotypical, butch-looking guy and a pretty girl? Sorry. I’ve seen lots of couples that fall outside those limits. Straight, gay male, and gay female (yes, I know some straight couples where the guy is more feminine than the girl…). ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/14 "2001-08-23T14:01:31Z")
Don’t listen to them, **Muad’Dib**. Of _course_ every lesbian relationship has one normal woman and one butch woman. This is because the butch woman really wants to be a man. She is like the husband in the relationship. The other woman looks like a normal woman because she is a normal woman. She’s only a lesbian because she couldn’t find a man who wanted her. She’d stop dating that butch woman in a heartbeat if a real man ever asked her out. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/15 "2001-08-23T14:28:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lamia \* > \*\*Don’t listen to them, **Muad’Dib**. Of _course_ every lesbian relationship has one normal woman and one butch woman. This is because the butch woman really wants to be a man. She is like the husband in the relationship. The other woman looks like a normal woman because she is a normal woman. She’s only a lesbian because she couldn’t find a man who wanted her. She’d stop dating that butch woman in a heartbeat if a real man ever asked her out. > > :rolleyes: \*\* Yeah! It’s just like this with male gay couples. There’s usually the the really handsome one (the peacock) who is impeccably dressed and accompanying him is the dowdier, not so good looking one, (the hen) who’s a really good cook and housekeeper. If they’re both really handsome you can be sure they’re just pairing up until they can each find a “hen” to take care of them. If they’re both kind of dowdy you can be sure that one of them drinks a lot and the other one is just hanging on until he finds his “prince” but is conflicted because he’s been used and tossed aside by the pretty boys before. He’s thinking “Just you wait you pretty little twinkies until your hair falls out and the crows feet start. Who’ll bake your banana bread then? Not this little red hen!” Yeah…it’s just like that. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/16 "2001-08-23T14:49:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lamia \* > This is because the butch woman really wants to be a man. She is like the husband in the relationship. The other woman looks like a normal woman because she is a normal woman. She’s only a lesbian because she couldn’t find a man who wanted her… :rolleyes: \*\* Har-Dee-HarHar. OK, from the perspecive on one man who seems to have pretty good lesbian-detectors: No, it’s not always true, nor even most common, but sometimes seems that way. The point is that many men have a hard time picking out lesbians, because in most cases, there are no obvious social cues. Sometimes, there are no cues whatsoever. The stereotypical “lipstick/butch” couple is simply easier for most people to see. On one Naval vessel I serverd aboard, there was a moderately large lesbian comunity (about 8% of the female crew, a little below what you’d find in society as a whole), and I was able to pick out all but 3 of them (I confirmed this by asking a lesbian supervisor of mine, after I’d transfered off the boat), and most looked just like any other woman. Those that were ‘butch’ were actually harder to pick out, as there were a large number of ‘butch’ straight women, too. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/17 "2001-08-23T15:12:29Z")
Nope. One of my good friends is a lesbian, not to mention a fox. She always dates really feminine looking women. Al. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/18 "2001-08-23T15:21:50Z")
> [@](#): > > In lesbian couples, always a normal looking one and a butch one? Do you really have to ask? In any case, I’m gratified to see the TM doing what they do best, fighting ignorance. However, this isn’t really a General Question. I think MPSIMS would fit better. bibliophage, moderator, GQ ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/19 "2001-08-23T15:39:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by astro \* > \*\* > > If they’re both really handsome you can be sure they’re just pairing up until they can each find a “hen” to take care of them. If they’re both kind of dowdy you can be sure that one of them drinks a lot and the other one is just hanging on until he finds his “prince” but is conflicted because he’s been used and tossed aside by the pretty boys before. He’s thinking “Just you wait you pretty little twinkies until your hair falls out and the crows feet start. Who’ll bake your banana bread then? Not this little red hen!” > > \*\* This post should be framed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683/20 "2001-08-23T17:33:08Z")
My only experience with a lesbian couple is one of a long-standing relationship, not just a dating couple or women I assummed were a lesbian couple. They were both very average-looking, not frilly feminine or leather-clad butch. Their being so average-lookng made them difficult to catagorize. I think they did it on purpose to throw us off!! : ) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lesbian-couples-always-a-normal-looking-one-and-a-butch-one/77683.md?page=2)