# In Lieu of Flowers - Help me make a memorial charity donation **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2008, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094 "2008-01-18T23:38:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2008, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/1 "2008-01-18T23:38:13Z")
A friend of mine recently passed away (much too young, I might add). I got an invite to the memorial but there is no way I can make it - I live on the other side of the country. I’d like to let the family know I’m thinking of them though, so I’d like to send something. I thought about flowers, but they probably have tons, so I was thinking of making a donation. Problem is, I have no idea where to start. I am a poor student type, so even a relatively small donation is sort of a lot for me. Will it look cheap and lame if I only donate $50 or so? I also don’t know how to find a reputable Canadian charity or how to tactfully let the family know I’ve made the donation. Anyone have any experience with this? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2008, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/2 "2008-01-18T23:41:28Z")
[QUOTE=Meyer6] Will it look cheap and lame if I only donate $50 or so? [/QUOTE] Not at all. > [@](#): > > I also don’t know how to find a reputable Canadian charity or how to tactfully let the family know I’ve made the donation. I don’t know about finding one, but most reputable charities will notify them for you with a personal card. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/3 "2008-01-19T00:48:01Z")
What **Contrapuntal** said. Of course, the most meaningful thing you could do would be to write a note to the family that talks about how much and why you valued your friendship with their son/daughter. But you were already planning to do that, too, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/4 "2008-01-19T00:52:06Z")
[QUOTE=freckafree] Of course, the most meaningful thing you could do would be to write a note to the family that talks about how much and why you valued your friendship with their son/daughter. But you were already planning to do that, too, I’m sure. [/QUOTE] Oh yes, definitely - I should have mentioned that in the OP. I just wanted to do something more…concrete, as well. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/5 "2008-01-19T01:02:10Z")
Is there a cause dear to the heart of the person who died? Someone gave money to a local library in memory of my mother, who was a great reader. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/6 "2008-01-19T01:11:57Z")
[QUOTE=Meyer6] Oh yes, definitely - I should have mentioned that in the OP. [/QUOTE] They will appreciate it. I still remember a sympathy note I got from one of Mom’s nursing home caregivers in which she talked about the kind of flower- or fruit-bedecked shoes Mom always wore. It made me laugh and made me grateful that someone had really paid attention. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure that when a charity notifies the family about the gift made in someone’s honor, they do not include the amount of the gift. I found [this](http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/tax/charities/donors/finding/menu-e.html) link, which might be helpful to you. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/7 "2008-01-19T02:09:25Z")
Is there an alternative to flowers on the notification? When my Mum died, we asked for no flowers but for donations to the hospice instead. The Funeral Director sent us a list of contributors and we thanked them all. The amounts didn’t matter. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/8 "2008-01-19T02:11:50Z")
[QUOTE=glee] Is there an alternative to flowers on the notification? [/QUOTE] Unfortunately not - I was hoping there would be. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/9 "2008-01-19T02:20:33Z")
[QUOTE=Meyer6] Unfortunately not - I was hoping there would be. [/QUOTE] Well even so I certainly agree with Freckafree about sending caring reminiscences. Honestly at a time like this money doesn’t matter. Your note will last longer than flowers. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/10 "2008-01-19T02:29:24Z")
Honestly, I know that money is not a major thing at this time. I just feel that I would like to do something - it’s probably as much for me as for anyone else. Thanks for the link, **freckafree**. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/11 "2008-01-19T02:35:52Z")
Also, I’d like to add that I am currently working on a very heartfelt letter. It’s hard. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/12 "2008-01-19T02:43:13Z")
[QUOTE=Meyer6] Also, I’d like to add that I am currently working on a very heartfelt letter. It’s hard. [/QUOTE] You are doing the right thing. 🙂 I hope you won’t mind if I mention that a bereavement is usually a terrible shock, and that it’s usually helpful to talk to somebody about it. When my parents died, I got support from [this charity](http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/). It’s been 18 months and they have **really** helped me. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/13 "2008-01-19T18:13:08Z")
Did your friend die of a specific illness, like cancer or heart disease? Often, when donations are asked for instead of flowers, the family requests donations to a research cause related to the cause of death; the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada, or the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, or Canadian Diabetes Association, etc. If the person loved animals, a donation to a Humane Society or SPCA might be nice instead. The hospital that treated your friend (if that was the case) may have an arrangement to receive donations too. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2008, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/14 "2008-01-19T19:54:56Z")
[QUOTE=mnemosyne] Did your friend die of a specific illness, like cancer or heart disease? Often, when donations are asked for instead of flowers, the family requests donations to a research cause related to the cause of death; the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada, or the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation, or Canadian Diabetes Association, etc. If the person loved animals, a donation to a Humane Society or SPCA might be nice instead. The hospital that treated your friend (if that was the case) may have an arrangement to receive donations too. [/QUOTE] I don’t have all the details on the death, but I know it wasn’t a prolonged illness. Right now I’m leaning towards an animal charity, so I have to look into those. Thanks everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2008, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/15 "2008-01-20T03:59:23Z")
We just did this a few months ago for a friend’s wife who died; the charity we sent the money to sent a very nice note to the husband of the deceased lady, and this was in Calgary (which, if I recall correctly, is your location). ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2008, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/16 "2008-01-20T05:14:49Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] We just did this a few months ago for a friend’s wife who died; the charity we sent the money to sent a very nice note to the husband of the deceased lady, and this was in Calgary (which, if I recall correctly, is your location). [/QUOTE] I’m on the East Coast actually, and the service is in Vancouver. But it is probably the same all over Canada. I’m glad to know that they usually send their own note/card - it seems kind of tacky to bring it up in the letter I’m writing. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2008, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/17 "2008-01-20T07:44:52Z")
Okay, who the heck am I confusing you with? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-help-me-make-a-memorial-charity-donation/434094/18 "2008-01-20T20:10:09Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] Okay, who the heck am I confusing you with? 🙂 [/QUOTE] Hmm, I really dunno. I just added my location to help eliminate confusion.