# "In lieu of flowers, the family requests..." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 13, 2009, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469 "2009-11-13T19:31:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/21 "2009-11-15T08:15:47Z")
My mum likes to take flowers when she attends a funeral - straight from her own garden. If the family advertises no flowers she tends to contact them for permission to bring a small bunch to lay on the coffin. ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/22 "2009-11-15T10:16:32Z")
My grandma, who lives with us (I am her care-giver), is in end-stage Alzheimer’s with only a few days to live. She is under the care of Hospice, and when we first met to get her into the program, they asked that we make it a point to state in her obituary, ‘In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to Hospice Of (My area)’. I _will_ be putting that in the obituary, because from what I’ve seen and experienced, Hospice goes above and beyond. They deserve any and all donations they can get. ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/23 "2009-11-15T11:35:43Z")
Also, lots of people do both. It’s understood that people will make donations \*and \*send flowers, especially the close family. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/24 "2009-11-15T13:14:53Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > If you’re up for putting yourself and DoctorJ out even further, you might be able to get a hospital or nursing home to take the plants to brighten up patient areas. That’s a great idea for any leftover or no-longer-wanted plants or flowers. It cheers the staff and patients up and it’s a lot better than just throwing them away. Just make sure it’s OK with the facility. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2009, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/25 "2009-11-15T13:50:28Z")
> [@Maiira](#): > > This is a request I certainly HOPE most folks ignored. Me too. I never heard one way or the other, but I can’t imagine someone sending them money. I suppose it was worth a try… ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/26 "2009-11-16T16:11:57Z")
Another reason to preplan funerals and buy insurance. So many people are destitute, and when a family member dies unexpectedly, they cannot begin to cover the expenses. Asking for money may be tacky, but for some it’s their only resort. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2009, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/27 "2009-11-16T16:37:02Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Part of the reason it’s all good for you is that you’re not the one who has to come back to the funereal home after burying someone you love and collect all this _stuff_ and figure out what to do with it all. My two best friends and de facto sisters buried their dad today, and even with telling everyone who would listen that they didn’t want flowers and leaving all the cut flower arrangements at the graveside, there was still a shit-ton of plants and figurines and plaques and such. **DoctorJ** and I collected it all and ferried it back to the house so they wouldn’t have to deal with at least that part, but we can’t help them figure out where they’re going to put all this stuff in their already cramped homes or how they’re going to take care of a couple dozen potted plants that aren’t suitable for planting outdoors. > > All that mess is a burden on them. A burden born of a kindly impulse and lack of forethought rather than malice, but a burden nonetheless. And frankly, they’ve got enough burdens right now with getting his social security checks stopped and his credit cards canceled and paid off and paying the medical/funereal bills and figuring out how their mom is going to go on living in a house that is crammed to the rafters with his softball trophies and cd’s and half-worked crossword puzzles. > > If the intent is truly to let the family know you’re thinking about them and want to make this horrible time a tiny touch easier for them, please actually _think_ about them enough not to give them one more goddamn thing to deal with. Send a card or letter or restaurant gift card so they don’t have to cook or a donation to their favorite charity or call and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Well, people have set out a number of legitimate reasons that they would send flowers instead of making a donation. For some people, especially from certain cultures, it would be unthinkable not to send flowers to a funeral. It’s their way of expressing respect for the deceased and symbolizing their mourning. My mother in law passed away last month, and despite requests for donations in lieu of flowers, many people did both. Maybe they didn’t see the notice, maybe they sent flowers for their own reasons. Frankly, among the burdens we dealt with (my husband and I alone, as she had no other immediate family), that one was pretty minor. After the funeral, we instructed the funeral home to send all of the flowers to the hospice where she died. Had they not done so, we would have carted them over ourselves or pitched them in the trash. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2009, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/28 "2009-11-17T03:55:52Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > Many people don’t read the obituary, they just find out from someone when/where the funeral is. This. One of my good friend’s father passed away just last week, the news spread like wildfire and we pooled together to send a nice bouquet from the group of us. I saw the obit after we’d sent them, but my friend did thank me personally for them, so I know they were well received. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/29 "2009-11-18T16:32:59Z")
It might also be a way to try to head off the tide, as it were. By putting such a note in the paper, perhaps some that would’ve brought flowers would choose not to. I know that we were swamped in greenery - we didn’t know what to do with it all. We encouraged people to take an arrangement, if they liked, but we still had tons left over. I think the funeral place ended up throwing a bunch of them away, which is also a waste. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2009, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/30 "2009-11-18T20:59:56Z")
My mom died three weeks ago and my dad requested in the obituary that donations to the Kidney Foundation be made in lieu of flowers. We still bought a casket spray and people from out of town who didn’t see the obit sent flowers, as did my work and my little bro’s. I appreciated them and am glad that I now have a houseplant to remind me of how much people thought of my mom. (It was sent by the local meat market where she shopped!) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/31 "2009-11-19T03:36:11Z")
> [@Snickers](#): > > It might also be a way to try to head off the tide, as it were. By putting such a note in the paper, perhaps some that would’ve brought flowers would choose not to. I know that we were swamped in greenery - we didn’t know what to do with it all. We encouraged people to take an arrangement, if they liked, but we still had tons left over. I think the funeral place ended up throwing a bunch of them away, which is also a waste. Actually, a lot of times the funeral directors will bring some of the arrangements home with them, rather than toss them, if they’re just discarded and left behind. (NOT stealing them, mind you – but if the family declines to take them, or whoever brought them doesn’t want them, they don’t go to waste) ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/32 "2009-11-19T03:57:41Z")
When **supervenusfreak** ’s mother died a few months ago, we did ask that donations be sent to the graycare day program she attended before her health started to really decline. We only got one plant (a huge peace lily) from friends who had heard by word of mouth rather than through the obit. The fact that there was no viewing and only a graveside service probably helped keep that number down, too. ---
**Author:** ![Obsidian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/51bf81/32.png) [@Obsidian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obsidian)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/33 "2009-11-19T04:35:47Z")
My best friend used to be responsible for sending the corporate flowers. They couldn’t really do the donation thing, so she started a policy of sending food-- like stuff from Harry & David. Food always gets eaten. When my grandfather died this summer, she sent a big thing of chocolate covered fruit, and we put it out for the wake attenders to nosh on. Got cleaned out in short order, and was a nice touch. Very much appreciated. Despite the “In lieu of” request, we got plenty of flowers, though mostly from companies and organizations. My grandfather spent his retirement volunteering for local organizations, so there were a lot of those. There was also one from my Dad’s business, which he’d told his partner not to send. He called his partner all annoyed, and discovered he hadn’t sent it-- their employees had taken up a collection and sent them on their own. Then Dad felt like a heel. **aruvqan** , we did the same thing at my grandfather’s funeral. 180 people were there, many talked and it took hours, but was honestly one of the most beautiful and touching experiences of my life. Just seeing how many people knew and loved him was very, very comforting. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/34 "2009-11-19T08:25:53Z")
Sorry to hear about you Mom, Surly Chick. Hope you’re taking care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/35 "2009-11-19T08:45:25Z")
Thing is, people do the same with wedding gifts or First Communion gifts or housewarming gifts or with being invited to dinner at someone’s house; my impression is that many do, indeed, think that you can’t really mean that you do not want a Playstation for your 10 year old / a Bohemian glass set / ten tupperwares full of potato salad / a bottle of red wine / crowns of chrysantemums. ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/36 "2009-11-19T13:29:16Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > We are a charity and thus certainly cannot be seen to give to another charity, plus that would entail us somehow getting money from the corporate office. ha! So we send flowers. Frankly, that still sounds pretty annoying to me. A charity that can afford to waste money on flowers? I think that it would be MUCH more appropriate (especially if the family have said, “No flowers”!) to do something (in line with what your charity does) and send a nice note. For instance, “Our soup kitchen dedicated today to her memory, and we put up a placard” kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/37 "2009-11-19T13:31:51Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Actually, a lot of times the funeral directors will bring some of the arrangements home with them, rather than toss them, if they’re just discarded and left behind. (NOT stealing them, mind you – but if the family declines to take them, or whoever brought them doesn’t want them, they don’t go to waste) Or the funeral directors know someone who will come pick up flowers - remove the “Grandmother” banner - and make use of them. When my grandmother died, it was really only close family that “sent” flowers - and most of us didn’t send them - she’d picked them out herself and paid for them before the funeral! The vast majority of “gifts” were sympathy cards with “$20 for Mass” or just money tossed in. The one big exception to this was a good friend of my grandmothers who married very well - and the flower arrangement was a dried flower monstrosity. It was huge - the sort of arrangement you’d put in the middle of a table in a large hotel lobby. And it was funereal - maroon and black dried flowers. The funeral director took care of that. We weren’t hauling it around. She stepped in and volunteered when she saw the look of horror on my mother’s face as it was delivered. I’m not sure if it was tossed, or is currently gracing the lobby of a Sheraton. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2009, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/38 "2009-11-19T18:05:02Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Sorry to hear about you Mom, Surly Chick. Hope you’re taking care of yourself. Thanks. It’s been really difficult. I live 1000 miles from my dad who’s now alone for the first time in over 51 years. Luckily, my little brother lives about 30 minutes away but still… ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2009, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/39 "2009-11-20T15:46:44Z")
Do all newspapers willingly run obits that specify no flowers? Years ago Jessica Mitford’s “The American Way Of Death” had a segment on newspapers that would not allow “Please omit flowers” in obits due to pressure from florists, and would only print statements like “Memorial contributions preferred.” If you wanted to get blunter than “in lieu of flowers, please…” would they print that nowadays? > [@elfkin477](#): > > If you’re up for putting yourself and DoctorJ out even further, you might be able to get a hospital or nursing home to take the plants to brighten up patient areas. Just don’t tell the nursing home patients “Hey, here are some leftovers from a funeral.” ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469/40 "2009-11-20T15:56:40Z")
We had no problem with the two papers we put my mom’s obit in. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-lieu-of-flowers-the-family-requests/517469.md?page=3)