# In the closet Gay or Straight? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 31, 2013, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789 "2013-05-31T15:01:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![kxqmate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/13edae/32.png) [@kxqmate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kxqmate)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/1 "2013-05-31T15:01:14Z")
•About 4 1/2 years ago I had started dating this man 17 yrs older than I. He seemed mature, funny, and calm. We met on line and dated for about 3 months gleefully. I told him I would not Marry unless I lived with the person first since my marriage had been bad and I felt you don’t know the person till you live with them. So, he agreed to if we did things right…( Go to church, no sexual , yada, yada ). So I move in thinking he’s honest. 3 months later were going to a Bible class and I’m doing our study on line while he’s playing Tennis. I check out his emails since there open. I find out he’s been emailing exes and flirting. He’s been on dating websites, He’s looked at porn and I found Gay porn too. I confront him and he says he’s not gay and he does not know how they got there. He reads Gay politic articles so I thought he’s gay. He says he will not do this any more. So, here it is the 5Th year and we are in counsel ling. He has made excuses like I would have married you by now if you did not have kids , even though they are grown and do not live with us. He said I don’t know if the empathy I have for you for your past is real love, I don’t like the dog ( a small dachshund ). He Say’s he can’t see his life with out me and He’s fortunate to have me. • I have thought he was Gay for many reasons. He does not like to french kiss, says it’s messy. He likes chick flicks, his favorite singers are Whitney Houston, bey once. No, He’s not black. He talks with his hands, he’s very picky, he’s been single since his first divorce in 1995. He’s always made excuses not to settle down with past girlfriends. He sits down to pee, He has a flower hanging over his fire place. He seemed to want life to stay like a room ate situation but with benefits. He has yet to propose. He will not be verbally intimate with me. He is very secretive and guarded. He dismisses things I ask or talk about. He laughs when I say anything sexual. He will not fix broken things like the air conditioner, his old car, etc… Please give me your opinion…Thanks ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/2 "2013-05-31T15:06:00Z")
Reported for forum change. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/3 "2013-05-31T15:10:56Z")
Moving this to IMHO from ATMB. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/4 "2013-05-31T15:17:18Z")
**kxqmate,** you might want to re-read the [membership agreement.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/faq.php?faq=vb3_board_faq#faq_sdmb_rules) You did see this passage, didn’t you? > [@](#): > > Do not post the same or similar messages or threads to multiple forums; multiple threads on the same topic; or an excessive number of threads on any topic within a limited period of time. If you started two identical threads by accident, the best way to handle this is to email a mod. In any case, welcome to SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/5 "2013-05-31T15:21:22Z")
I see you posted this exact same thing on at least one other internet forum already. Anyhow, what does it matter if he is gay or not? If you’re not happy with him, leave him. Even if he’s not gay… it’s obvious you aren’t happy. Get out of the relationship! ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/6 "2013-05-31T15:30:21Z")
sits down to pee? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/7 "2013-05-31T15:55:27Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > sits down to pee? Reminds me of [this particular youtube clip](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo3o4nfiG7A)… ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/8 "2013-05-31T16:02:19Z")
Is his viewing of gay porn interfering with your relationship? That is, would he rather look at porn than have sex with you? Can’t you propose to him? If it’s important enough to you, YOU do it. And if it’s that important, be prepared for the answer to be no, and make a plan for it. “Dismissing things you talk or ask about” is not a good sign. What does it mean, actually? In the end, only you can decide if this relationship is cutting it for you. I’ve wanted to get married for years, but my SO does not. In the end I decided being with him was more important than being married. And eventually he will be willing to marry…I feel him softening every year. But we never wanted kids, so there is no timetable. No one can tell you if he is good for you but you. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/9 "2013-05-31T16:03:00Z")
Being gay is a sexual preference. It’s not really correlated with fixing things around the house, musical preferences, or gesturing while speaking. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/10 "2013-05-31T16:05:14Z")
After reading the thread about lame excuses people give to avoid invitations, I am thinking you need to reinterpret his signals. Maybe he is trying to make you leave on your own because he does not have the backbone to break up. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/11 "2013-05-31T16:49:45Z")
Wait. Are you a guy too? Because if you are then the gay thing shouldn’t be a factor. What SHOULD be a factor is your description of this guy makes it sound like he’s not at all interested in a relationship. If you are then this is a great situation to bail out of. also - - - Maybe tell us a little bit more about yourself. We’ve had a lot of drive by new members lately and it would be nice to know that you’re still here and interested in our message board. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/12 "2013-05-31T17:20:38Z")
This OP’s date ranges make no sense to me. She has kids that are now grown and out of the house so she’s in her 40’s or 50’s and he (being 17 years older) would be in his 60’s or 70’s at this point unless she started making kids when she was 15. And he’s a 60ish year old man all about Beyoncé? Not sure even whether to believe this vignette. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/13 "2013-05-31T17:36:50Z")
Why does it matter to you whether or not this guy is gay? You are wasting years of your life by staying with him. This is obviously a bad relationship, and the sooner you end it, the better. And by the way, there are an awful lot of gay stereotypes in your post. Most of us do not sit down to pee, or have a flower over our fireplace.:rolleyes: And I agree with **astro**. The numbers just don’t add up right. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/14 "2013-05-31T17:44:30Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > … > And by the way, there are an awful lot of gay stereotypes in your post. Most of us do not sit down to pee, or have a flower over our fireplace.:rolleyes: > … You should totally go with the flower theme. It really brings the room together.😃 ---
**Author:** ![DocCollege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/74df32/32.png) [@DocCollege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCollege)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/15 "2013-05-31T17:55:45Z")
Wow… I don’t know how to start this. First of all - let’s agree - that Gay is not a lifestyle - it’s a sexual preference. So anyone who runs around announcing that they are gay is in need of some psychiatric help. For those who typically associate with Gay Pornography - either have a fantasy - or they are… period. It sounds like he has a lot of issues. Everything has to be just so, so… or it creates a problem for him. My advice is simple… find someone who likes you just because you are you. All of these little things that have to take place for him to be happy is absolutely absurd! You’re going to marry into so much baggage… you’ll never be able to please this guy. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/16 "2013-05-31T18:13:24Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Being gay is a sexual preference. It’s not really correlated with fixing things around the house, musical preferences, or gesturing while speaking. But if he says “fabulous!” all the time it’s a dead giveaway. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/17 "2013-05-31T18:43:53Z")
Another gay person chiming in to say it doesn’t matter: if he is not interested in changing himself, your relationship is not going to get better. Is this how you want it to be forever? On a side note, you don’t seem to know many actual gay people. Most gays really are quite ordinary. If you don’t happen to know, you absolutely cannot tell by clues based on the stereotypes. It’s pretty clear from your post that there’s a reason he’s been single for 20 years: he sounds like kind of a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/18 "2013-05-31T21:19:34Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > You should totally go with the flower theme. It really brings the room together.😃 But I do have flowers in the bathroom, which I enjoy while I’m sitting down, peeing . . . and listening to Beyoncé. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/19 "2013-05-31T21:24:05Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > You should totally go with the flower theme. It really brings the room together.😃 Personally, I think a nice rug would do the trick. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2013, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789/20 "2013-05-31T21:37:28Z")
> [@kxqmate](#): > > We met on line and dated for about 3 months **gleefully**. Yep, definitely gay…this was the dead giveaway, and the fact that you don’t have sex. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-the-closet-gay-or-straight/659789.md?page=2)