# In which I become celibate. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 15, 2007, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496 "2007-11-15T05:00:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/1 "2007-11-15T05:00:24Z")
A long time ago, I realized that I do not want children. Not now, not ever. In fact, I hate the little snotbuckets. I really do. I’m of the firm opinion that the only sensible use for small children for me is to practice my drop kicks on. Not under any circumstance do I want responsibility for any brat under the age of 25. Also, I would certainly make the worst parent in human history, and as much I hate them, I (perhaps paradoxically) don’t really want kids to experience that. Now, I recently became aware that there is a link between the act of human sexual intercourse and the production of the aforementioned kind of devilspawn (I know! Shocker!). Yeah, this took me 28 years, about ten of those spent as sexually active, to figure out. OK, so I’m clearly not the brightest bulb in the closet. The consequences should be obvious. I do not wish to reproduce. Heterosexual sexual intercourse leads to reproduction. And yet, for ten years, I’ve been humping females as much as possible… while trying my best \*not \*to knock them up. This very paradoxical state of affairs is just too damned stupid to live with, even for me. Therefore, I will with immediate effect stop having sex with women. That’s right, I’ve dipped the wiener for the final time. At the moment I feel perfectly comfortable with this, even happy. Elated. That’s one particular piece of illogical and self-destructive behavior I no longer have to worry about. Take _that_, blind primal drives. However, it’ll be interesting to see how it develops. Within a couple of years, I might be shagging holes in the wall. Well. Wish me luck. ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/2 "2007-11-15T05:11:40Z")
Since you’ve thought long and hard about not ever having children, have you ever considered getting a vasectomy? That way, you wouldn’t have to become celibate, but not have to worry about procreating, either. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/3 "2007-11-15T05:22:06Z")
Sure, but even vasectomies aren’t 100% guaranteed to work. Pretty close, but not 100%. Medical miracles happen. And there’s just the \*illogicality \*to it all that gets to me - expending huge amounts of energy to get a chance to engage in procreative behavior, and then bending over backwards to \*stop \*procreation from being the result. I’ve had some pregnancy scares over the years… and then, about two minutes later, at it again. :smack: No. Enough is enough. Anyway, if my libido isn’t satisfied after ten years of this, I can only assume it that never will be. I think it needs to learn to just shut up. ---
**Author:** ![Annie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/858c86/32.png) [@Annie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/4 "2007-11-15T05:26:02Z")
Yeah. Good luck with that. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/5 "2007-11-15T05:33:36Z")
Another thought… I have also long since quit smoking. I no longer use dope (well, apart from the Dope - oh, you know what I mean). I don’t drink. I’m a vegetarian. It sounds like there should be some kind of religion I just about qualify for now. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/6 "2007-11-15T05:35:09Z")
Oh, you just have no imagination. There are plenty of ways to fuck that are not procreative. And a lot of women like them (all the more if you give their procreative organs a little attention with some of your non-procreative appendges). 69 never cause any random babies. Nor did giving it to her up the ass…or, if you prefer, buying her a strap on and spreading those cheeks 😛 . C’mon don’t give up now! ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/7 "2007-11-15T05:43:40Z")
Why don’t you get a vasectomy, wear a condom, sleep with a girl who is on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and with spermicidal foam/jelly (all at the same time)? I would say, with all those precautions, the chances of knocking that chick up are like -50%. Or you could find a woman who has had a hysterectomy. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/8 "2007-11-15T06:06:31Z")
I strongly discourage your approach. Being celibate makes you cranky. Me after 9 long months currently without: :mad: You don’t want to end up like me, do you? Don’t do it. There are plenty of women out there who’ve had hysterectomies, are past a certain age, or who’ve had tubal ligations or are otherwise seriously in control of their reproductivity. Find a woman who’s either infertile or trustworthy, or both. But don’t give up on the sex. I haven’t. Fight the good fight. Do not go gently into that good night. ---
**Author:** ![Dumbguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dumbguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dumbguy)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/9 "2007-11-15T07:21:20Z")
I, for one, welcome our new Celibate Overlords. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/10 "2007-11-15T07:24:03Z")
[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca] Why don’t you get a vasectomy, wear a condom, sleep with a girl who is on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and with spermicidal foam/jelly (all at the same time)? I would say, with all those precautions, the chances of knocking that chick up are like -50%. [/QUOTE] Yeah, what **nyctea** said. Or even just a vasectomy and a condom seems like it would be a pretty sure bet, a condom being pretty damned near obligatory at this point in human sexual relationships. I suppose some of your guys could get out there, but it’s not too likely, is it? ---
**Author:** ![lobstermobster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobstermobster/32/10033_2.png) [@lobstermobster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobstermobster)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/11 "2007-11-15T07:30:47Z")
I’m not yet 25 so really I shouldn’t be addressing you directly Banana, but cheers anyways to not having sex! Sex is for suckers! I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those ludicrous positions! Good luck finding a doctor to give you a vasectomy before age 30. I wanted to get myself fixed as one of my medical-related hair brain schemes (not to be confused with my crusades to get a nose job, breast reduction, botox, lasiks, laser scar removal, and sell my eggs to my sister’s ethically borderline at best fertility specialist) and read a lot on the interweb about no one willing to do it to someone so young, naive and unsure of what she wants like myself. I’d still do it. I could still steal a black market baby like Angelina or Madonna later on. ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/12 "2007-11-15T08:01:55Z")
**Peak Banana** , ragarding your decision: good, more sex for me. ---
**Author:** ![Manish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@Manish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manish)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/13 "2007-11-15T09:07:53Z")
You’ve been humping females for the last 10 years without knowing what all a condom is used for, apart from protecting against STDs? hmm… Good luck with whatever you decide, and however long you stick with it. If nothing else, you will end up with good biceps. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/14 "2007-11-15T09:12:12Z")
[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca] I would say, with all those precautions, the chances of knocking that chick up are like -50%. [/QUOTE] Does that mean you get to give half a child back? ---
**Author:** ![nivlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3bc359/32.png) [@nivlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nivlac)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/15 "2007-11-15T09:19:13Z")
This has to be a joke. 28 years before figuring out the link between sex and babies??? Yeah, stop the sex and keep those brilliant genes out of circulation. ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/16 "2007-11-15T13:20:09Z")
[QUOTE=Peak Banana] Another thought… I have also long since quit smoking. I no longer use dope (well, apart from the Dope - oh, you know what I mean). I don’t drink. I’m a vegetarian. It sounds like there should be some kind of religion I just about qualify for now. [/QUOTE] Let’s see… no sex, no drugs, no booze, no meat… I think I’d rather just kill myself. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/17 "2007-11-15T13:31:31Z")
[QUOTE=Annie] Yeah. Good luck with that. [/QUOTE] Well, it’s working for me and I’m not even trying. Boy, am I not trying. It’s working so well I often feel like raming my fist into a wall repeatedly until something breaks. I’m negative on the kids thing, but I could do without the celebacy. Ironically, having children also often seems to put paid to regular sexual activity. Life is weirder than a Mandelbrot set. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/18 "2007-11-15T13:58:35Z")
A vasectomy performed properly is 100% effective. My doctor snipped a section (maybe 1/4") out of the vas, cauterized each end, and attached a little metal clip to each end. Any sperm that gets through that still has enough energy to swim upstream and mate with an egg must be destined to create some sort of Supreme Being, so would be worth it. But seriously- there are ways to have it done that would make it foolproof. Alternatively, you could just jerk off the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![tonedef](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f05b48/32.png) [@tonedef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tonedef)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/19 "2007-11-15T14:02:01Z")
So since you are celibate can you still rub one out? ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2007, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496/20 "2007-11-15T14:06:29Z")
[QUOTE=McNew] A vasectomy performed properly is 100% effective. [/QUOTE] Speaking as a lab guy, I can also report that it is routine procedure after every vasectomy to return to the lab about two weeks after the procedure and produce a specimen for us to double check that you are now shooting blanks. If you have any swimmers left we report that to the doc who reports that back to you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-become-celibate/426496.md?page=2)