# In which I muse about over-achievers.... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 18, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757 "2005-10-18T15:57:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TwoOnSunday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/22d042/32.png) [@TwoOnSunday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwoOnSunday)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/21 "2005-10-19T15:25:55Z")
“I’m sorry, what did you say? I’m too busy trying to get ‘things’ done to pay full attention. Because, you know, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done, and it **HAS TO BE DONE**.” This used to be me. A teacher called me out on it. This is me no longer. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/22 "2005-10-19T15:32:46Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > I think the way you figure out whether being really busy and doing lots of things is pathological or not is by asking how does the person doing too much feel when they STOP doing it? Are they super-busy by choice, because they have a ton of energy and drive, or because they’re afraid to slow down? It sounds like you’re doing good things with your friend, **Yamir** , working with her to learn to love herself. I understand OAing can be self-destructive. But I don’t want people to assume that just because someone likes to give 110% that’s automatically a bad thing. After all, where would we be if Edison had given up after the 50th attempt to invent the lightbulb? ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/23 "2005-10-19T16:07:29Z")
> [@LaurAnge](#): > > I know I complain a lot (sorry, **scout**!) but I’m always happy with what I’m doing deep down. Hey, you’re still on my FL, so it’s obviously not bothering me! In fact, I don’t lump you in that category, so it’s all good. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/24 "2005-10-19T16:39:20Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Is it a bad sign when somebody just can’t sit still long enough to do nothing? Would it be ironic if I pointed out the double negative? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/25 "2005-10-19T16:48:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I hope this isn’t about the Elise driver… I’m starting to think it is. > [@Misnomer](#): > > I don’t know where you and the ex-wife met (Canada?), but unfortunately you’re in a part of the U.S. that attracts a _lot_ of overachievers: DC is a “power” area, and it extends into Maryland and Virginia. I’ve got that impression as well. **Inigo Montoya** , I love you man. In a completely platonic and non gay way, but I do. 😃 You’ve just put into words what I’ve had trouble elaborating about my out-laws. Good riddence the lot of 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Canadiangirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Canadiangirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadiangirl)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/26 "2005-10-19T17:28:26Z")
Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with my hubby’s doctor’s receptionist/nurse/? yesterday about exactly that…she mentioned since the doctor was so very busy, she was triple booking everyone. Which means, each appointment time has three people waiting! When I asked if she thought that was the most efficient way of doing things, she blamed the doctor - “you know, he just can’t refuse anyone”. Well, really, if you schedule three people for every appointment, how many people are you actually helping? Opposed to how many you are disappointing? Multi tasking all the time; confusing your schedule with little things that you simply MUST do; usually ends up just disappointing people because a) they don’t feel important in your life and b) you don’t spend enough time at anything to really enjoy it. Quicksilver: Sorry to hear it’s the Lotus lady… ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/27 "2005-10-19T18:03:59Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > **Inigo Montoya** , I love you man. In a completely platonic and non gay way, but I do. fag. And no, I’m not hitting on you. 😛 Sorry the Lotus Lady isn’t perfect for you. Really. Because I so wanted to rib you about eating lotus blossoms or something along those lines. Or somehow working “fur Elise” into some wisecrack (har!). Oh well. At least you know what to look for when screening dames. Kinda like I look for the GM label when I’m shopping for a car to not buy. Here’s a test. Ask the prospect: “So, what are you doing on December 17th?” If she knows she’s doing something other than ‘nothing,’ or if she checks her Franklin Planner or PDA then you run away. If she looks at you like you’re insane or mildly surprised that December is even close, then she’s the girl for you. I mean, unless she’s like, 12. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/28 "2005-10-19T18:35:13Z")
> [@Yamirskoonir](#): > > I don’t know how the \*#@#(&$ she does it, but as I get to know her more and more, I learn that she keeps herself busy to the point of exhaustion to distract herself from a myriad of emotional problems. If she’s not working at earning praise from others, she’s sitting down – and crying, feeling alone. In fact, I think all her work is out of sheer fear of being physically (and emotionally) alone at any given point during the day. I’m sure nights are bad for her. This is not a bad thing, though. Late-night (or anytime) deep personal reflection is A) not for everyone and B) not nesecarily a good, productive thing. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/29 "2005-10-19T18:53:56Z")
> [@NinjaChick](#): > > This is not a bad thing, though. Late-night (or anytime) deep personal reflection is A) not for everyone and B) not nesecarily a good, productive thing. How so? How do you know yourself and figure out if you’re headed in the right direction if you don’t take time out to check your internal compass? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/30 "2005-10-19T19:22:53Z")
> [@Canadiangirl](#): > > Multi tasking all the time; confusing your schedule with little things that you simply MUST do; usually ends up just disappointing people because a) they don’t feel important in your life and b) you don’t spend enough time at anything to really enjoy it. Lotus lady just began a major house remodel. She took me through the place and described what was being planned by the architect and contractor. I’m a handy sort and can find my way around a floor plan pretty well. It interested me very much, especially because I’ve always wanted to do my own house project one day. What’s more she involved me in her choices of faucets, tiles, sinks and windows. Now, she’s got great taste and it’s very much similar to my own, which is the good news. But me, I’d want to go personally to the store and actually lay my hands on the faucet handle I’ll be using for years to come and know that I’ll enjoy the feel in my hand and how it looks every time I turn on the bathroom light. She, on the other hand, ordered it on line. It looks nice but how does she know the scale and whether it will go well with the sink and the rest of the bathroom appliances? That kind of made me a bit skittish right off the bat. She went to an opera last night. Then she stayed up all night working on her company brochure. No skin off my nose, right? 'Cept I couldn’t enjoy an evening out when I knew that I’d have to be up all night doing pressing work. I can’t fathom how people can. Is it me or is this a sign of a prioritization problem? Many people will probably say I’m being neurotic. It’s just the way I am though. I want to enjoy every moment of a project or a movie and not short change any part of the experience. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter to some people. But it does to me and I need to decide if it matters enough to continue investing time in this woman. She is kind and very intelligent. Also quite aware of the chaos in her life currently and how it’s not letting her invest time in a relationship she claims to want to explore very much. She’s certainly expressed sincere interest in doing so. It’s just that there is no time in her life for it and I’m concerned that’s her M.O. for living life. Trouble is, it isn’t mine. I require a certain full and calm presence from my partner at regular intervals. She claims things will calm down soon. :dubious: I’m not throwing my hands up just yet, but I’ve got a yellow flag on the play. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/31 "2005-10-19T20:17:26Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > She went to an opera last night. Then she stayed up all night working on her company brochure. No skin off my nose, right? 'Cept I couldn’t enjoy an evening out when I knew that I’d have to be up all night doing pressing work. I can’t fathom how people can. Is it me or is this a sign of a prioritization problem? I think it’s only a problem if she wasn’t able to enjoy the opera because she knew she had work to do later (or if she complained about it, or something). If she had no problem with working afterwards, though, neither should you. I actually did something similar once: I’d set up a second date with a guy, and he had to change the day at the last minute because of some conflict with his daughter’s schedule. The night that he called I was working on a final project for a class, but decided to go out with him while I could and work on the paper later. I was able to completely forget about the schoolwork while I was with him, and I didn’t hurry the date along by any means: we had a great time, I just stayed up much later than usual to work on the paper after I got home. But it’s what I’d decided to do – what I was willing to do in order to not have to wait another week to see the guy – so I was fine with it. It’s hard to remember now, but I don’t think he ever knew that I was planning to do schoolwork later that night. > [@](#): > > She is kind and very intelligent. Also quite aware of the chaos in her life currently and how it’s not letting her invest time in a relationship she claims to want to explore very much. She’s certainly expressed sincere interest in doing so. It’s just that there is no time in her life for it and I’m concerned that’s her M.O. for living life. I think you’ve got it right: don’t give up yet, but be on the lookout for signs of this behaviour not changing any time soon. IMHO it’s too early to worry about what you ultimately need from a partner, and also too soon to know what her “living life” M.O. is like at all. It’s entirely possible that all of this _is_ just temporary. She’s aware of the issues, and is making it clear that she’s definitely interested, so hang in there for as long as you can! ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/32 "2005-10-19T20:28:51Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > How do you know yourself and figure out if you’re headed in the right direction if you don’t take time out to check your internal compass? Some of us don’t want to find out we’re headed in the wrong direction, and will willfully ignore any hint that we are. Humans are very good at denial when we want to be. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/33 "2005-10-19T20:41:35Z")
It’s like this, I think. Workaholics (which most overachievers are, unless they’re incredible geniuses) want to be congratulated, even thanked, for what is really compulsive behavior. And they also want to spread it to other people, because they think it’s a sign of character. I wonder how many children of overachievers become _under_achievers, just in the name of wanting to live (or squander?) their _own_ lives. The point of no return may be when you can’t distinguish between the questions: _“What if nobody ever did x, y, and z?”_ and _“What if not everybody did x, y, and z?”_ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/34 "2005-10-19T20:55:28Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > I understand OAing can be self-destructive. But I don’t want people to assume that just because someone likes to give 110% that’s automatically a bad thing. After all, where would we be if Edison had given up after the 50th attempt to invent the lightbulb? See, this is what I’m talking about - someone who LIKES to give 110% is a completely different animal from someone who HAS to give 110%. **Quicksilver** , I dated a guy for three years who was incredibly busy. He somewhat made time for me, but we fought almost constantly about it. We went on a vacation together, and he studied while we were on vacation. One of our big issues was his taking more classes (he already had a master’s degree, a couple of bachelor’s, was ABD on his doctorate, and using absolutely none of them in his career), so he took classes and hid it from me. Going into a relationship like that, I would say it is critical that you find out if this is a busy patch or if this is her lifestyle. If this is her lifestyle, walk away. She won’t change for you or anybody, and you’ll always feel less important than the five billion other things she fits into her life. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/35 "2005-10-19T21:08:19Z")
So throughout this thread I have learned: I am anal, psycho, and have a martyr-complex. Sweet! 😉 I imagine that I would be considered an over-achiever. I do many things and set the bar really high for myself. Why? Well… > [@featherlou](#): > > Weekly meeting of armchair psychologists? Cool! > > My take on people like those mentioned in the OP is that it is caused by two things. **The first possibility is that they are not comfortable with themselves and their own thoughts.** They have to keep moving, because when they stop, they might start thinking, and they might get to know themselves better, and that’s pretty scary for some people. > > The second possibility is that they might be so busy because they’re martyrs. No one will feel sorry for you if you don’t do everything for everybody, you know. Heavy sigh. **If you say no to some stuff, then you don’t get to walk around with the world on your shoulders.** Again, not coming from a healthy place. No and no. Granted, I may be the freakish exception, but I do everything because it makes me happy. Don’t get me wrong, I get those moments every once in a while where I am totally overwhelmed (maybe, oh, once a year)- I sit on the floor admist my papers and cry for a bit, then I get up, straighten myself out, and get back to work. And that is _good_ because I am able to show myself what I am capable of. I love feeling accomplished (who doesn’t?) and I love proving to ME what I can do. I come out of it feeling stronger. I do have time for me. I think a lot, like any other person. And yes, I do a lot, but I try my damndest not to bitch and complain-- I hate when people do that. What it boils down to is: I know what I can do, so I expect myself to do it. When I succeed through hardwork and such, it makes me feel great about myself. I still have time for me, I still have time for relationships, I still have time to sleep (sometimes ;)), and I’m not hurting anyone. I make sure I have a few weeks out of the year to just veg out on a beach somewhere and I make sure I have a few hours a day just to surf the net or play the Sims or watch TV. So what’s the big deal? ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/36 "2005-10-19T21:11:25Z")
Perhaps what I meant is: is there really something wrong with feeling the way I do? I see absolutely nothing wrong with living the way I do; but then again, I am the one with the problem 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2005, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757/37 "2005-10-19T21:23:10Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > I do have time for me. I think a lot, like any other person. And yes, I do a lot, but I try my damndest not to bitch and complain-- I hate when people do that. Well, that’s a bit different from the OP specification that for > [@](#): > > Things that do nothing to help or simplify the **already overwhelming** feeling they are experiencing? Sounds like you’re someone who can pump out a satisfying volume of work and isn’t into bitching about being the only person around that’s working. There’s a big difference between high productivity and obsessively overcommitting at the expense of socialization (workaholic) without ever feeling satisfied. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-muse-about-over-achievers/326757.md?page=1)