# In which I pit my lazy husband and I don't give a fuck if this is lame
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [February 4, 2006, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030 "2006-02-04T21:22:10Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@widdleytinks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdleytinks)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/41 "2006-02-05T06:22:28Z")
> [@fishbicycle](#):
>
> If you are as obnoxious a bitch in person as you are on this message board, no wonder you are having a rough time. You don’t want advice, you don’t want sympathy, you don’t even want a conversation. You are content to be angry and condescending. Just remember, we didn’t do anything to get you riled up. FFS, get a blog.
This obnoxious bitch, is living with someone who has personality disorders who is an ACOA (do you know what that is?) who has ADD and whose behavior is making said obnoxious bitch miserable today. Said obnoxious bitch, who has taken all possible measures to help her husband and doesn’t need YOU calling her an obnoxious bitch when she is a hardworking person who reached the end of the rope and wrote a rant on a message board.
I didn’t ASK for advice! I typed out a rant! I appreciate those who offered comiseration on account of their own experiences and do not appreciate those who used this thread to make judgement calls on things they don’t know about.
widdley
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### Author:  [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/42 "2006-02-05T06:24:15Z")
Most people who rant about problems appreciate a little constructive input. So far you’ve summarily rejected every single suggestion for any kind of change in your situation. So you know what that tells me?
It tells me that although you say you can’t stand to live the way you live, and you have a whole litany of ways he’s sick but won’t do anything about it, you’re really not going to do anything about it, either, because you have no intention of changing it. You just want us to validate you screaming at him for two hours. Sorry, sister. You’ve come to the wrong place for that. I’d say you’ve made your bed. Have fun lying in it.
And think on this one: He makes two incomes but has no access to them? Good lord, woman, how much money do you think he’s hoarding that you don’t know about, in addition to all the shit you can see he’s hoarding? You might stop to think about that for a minute – because if he got run over by a truck tomorrow, would you know where all his money is? Or better yet, if he gets fed up with your constant bitching and walks out the door, just how badly would he be able to screw you over in a divorce because if you can’t find the money, you can’t claim a share of it? Did you ever think about that?
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### Author:  [@widdleytinks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdleytinks)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/43 "2006-02-05T06:25:20Z")
> [@Updike](#):
>
> Im not mocking you.
>
> Here are the forum descriptions:
>
> MPSIMS: “For general discussion: from frivolous chatter to deep thoughts; from harmless diversions to life-changing announcements.”
>
> BBQ PIT: “If you gotta flame, do it here. This is the place for all complaints and other discussion regarding administration of the SDMB”
>
> Which forum does your OP fit into?
Well from the looks of it right now, it fits square up my butt. But beyond that, it fits in the Pit.
Anyway…thanks to those who listened. Those who shared their own experiences. And for those of you who seek every opportunity to mock another human being…no thanks at all.
Outta here,
widdley
---
### Author:  [@Updike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Updike)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/44 "2006-02-05T06:44:09Z")
> [@widdleytinks](#):
>
> Anyway…thanks to those who listened. Those who shared their own experiences. Outta here,
> widdley
The Pit is not about listening and sharing, where did you ever get that idea?
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### Author:  [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/45 "2006-02-05T07:49:30Z")
> [@widdleytinks](#):
>
> This obnoxious bitch, is living with someone who has personality disorders who is an ACOA (do you know what that is?)
> widdley
No actually I don’t know what ACOA is so I did a goole search, here are the top responses:
AOCA Automotive Oil Change Association
AOCA Acousto Optic Cell Array
AOCA advanced operator correlation algorithm
AOCA AfriOceans Conservation Alliance
AOCA American Oil Chemists Association
AOCA American Osteopathic College of Anesthesiologists
AOCA anomalous origin of a coronary artery
AOCA Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese
AOCA Army Otter Caribou Association
AOCA Associate of the Ontario College of Art
AOCA Association for Ophthalmic Cooperation to Asia
AOCA Association Outstanding Chapter Award
AOCA Australian Olympic Coordinating Authority
AOCA Australian Owned Companies Association
So your husband likes to change oil? :wally
Look the answer is simple, you may not like it, but it is simple. You can either learn to accept him, or leave. He isn’t going to change.
So you have three choices
Stay and change your attitude
Stay and don’t change your attitude (be a royal bitch)
Run fast and run far.
Good luck
---
### Author:  [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/46 "2006-02-05T08:15:25Z")
ACOA=adult (or alcoholic) child of an alcoholic. Pure WAG. For some reason, this was really bugging me, so whether I’m being whooshed or not, I had to get it out there.
It really doesn’t look like he’s the one with the problem, **widdleytinks,** and I mean that as respectfully as possible. He seems content with his piles of stuff, while it’s driving you mad. (I currently live with someone who is best described as a “trailer.” He scatters his things throughout the house as if leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail. However, I don’t say anything because I’m his daughter, not his wife, and he simply doesn’t care in any case. Anyhow it’s not at the level you’ve described.) You’ve been married to him a long time and I understand not wanting to break up a long marriage, but if he doesn’t want to or can’t change, it might be worth it not to dismiss the idea out of hand.
Bear in mind that I am less than thirty years old and have never been married myself, so my advice in this case is probably not worth a lot.
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### Author:  [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/47 "2006-02-05T08:26:56Z")
I feel most of your pain but not all because I got to leave. My mom was a hoarder my dad was a hoarder. My mom got worse as she got older.
Really, get the duplex. You will never make him see how stupid and wasteful his habits are. Never. Ever. Never. Did I say never? People who don’t have this problem just can’t live this way. It destroys your self.
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### Author:  [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/48 "2006-02-05T09:00:59Z")
Change Hoarding Behavior for Drinking, and **Widdley** and her husband could be my parents.
Dad’s always been a bit of a social drinker from college (I’ve seen the pics). Mom is usually alright, but has a tendency to talk without listening, react poorly to stressful situations (mild personal criticism, for example), and unload the stress on whoever was nearby, even strangers, by being an obnoxious bitch. Dad’s got his own issues too, but the two of them together make eachother worse. In the last 5 years, he’s graduated to hard liquor every night, drinking until he passes out so he doesn’t have to interact with the person on the other side of the bed. They’ve noticed at work, so his drinking is costing him promotions, driving him deeper into depression. She, meanwhile, tells all of Christendom how much she’s suffering, how lonely she is because he doesn’t do anything with her. Meanwhile, he remains the whipping boy for her emotions. They’ve been married 26 years and their only kid is out of the house, married and established, but they refuse to even talk seperation to eachother.
So believe me when I say that **widdley** has no interest in any sort of advice. She was only looking for more people to say “you poor dear thing!” so she could feel justified in her anger. She will never see that any of it might possibly be remotely related to her own dysfuction.
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### Author:  [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/49 "2006-02-05T09:15:32Z")
My parents are in exactly this same position. If the husband doesn’t want to change, and the wife doesn’t want to change, they are both equally to blame for the situation. Like my mother, Widdlytinks seems to believe she is justified in claiming that she’s the victim and deserving of sympathy. However, if a person goes for 30+ years just bitching about a situation, and doing nothing to change it, she is not deserving of sympathy. She deserves only a kick in the pants.
There are only three options here:
1. Leave.
2. Accept that he’s a packrat and figure out how to live with it. Duplex, maid service, throwing out his shit, whatever.
3. Keep things exactly the same as they are, but shut the fuck up about it and stop expecting anyone to feel sorry for you, because you chose this road. It wasn’t forced on you.
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### Author:  [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/50 "2006-02-05T11:58:34Z")
> [@widdleytinks](#):
>
> No, he’s no spring chicken. I’ve been trying to trace this back and the only things I can think of (and I’m certain of the ADD symptoms) at the moment were that I used to organize everything for him. I did his laundry and organized his dresser and closet. Here’s an example of tracing it back, he used to lose his keys repeatedly so I got him a key rack to put his keys on. He didn’t USE IT. He would still misplace the keys. When he misplaced (he still does this by the way) the keys he’d get stressed and yell as if I took the keys. He says things like “who moved my keys” or “who moved my glasses” as if other people are moving his things…and they aren’t! He’d start yelling at me and kids to help him find his keys. (Featherlou, are you reading here? He yells at people to “help him” and you say **I** spoke to him disrespectfully? Read on, sister) and accusing family members of “burying” his things or “moving” his things, all the while demanding that we help him…and when we find them for him…where HE put them, he never apologizes for making accusations and never says thank you for helping him. Instead he insults people.
>
> What does that sound like to you? Besides crazy, I mean. It is as if, he is overwhelmed by what he accumulates (back to the hoarding here) and buys new things as if it is starting over and he thinks he has some control over it.
>
> widdley
Yikes! Sounds like he needs to talk this out with someone. I’d draw the line in the sand and let him know you’re serious about leaving him if he doesn’t take steps to correct this NOW. Aside from the dangers of living in that kind of clutter, it sounds like this is a mental health issue that is escalating into something very ugly. He can’t help it that he’s sick, but he needs to take concrete steps to get it under control. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
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### Author:  [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/51 "2006-02-05T12:56:53Z")
_shaking head_
There’s so many things I’d like to say about all this because I’m noticing a lot of similarities between Tiddley’s situation and mine.
I’m going to keep my mouth shut, though. No sense adding more fuel to the fire.
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### Author:  [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/52 "2006-02-05T14:25:47Z")
> [@Rick](#):
>
> No actually I don’t know what A **CO** A is so I did a goole search, here are the top responses:
> A **OC** A Automotive Oil Change Association
>
> [etc.]
Didn’t you notice you’d transposed two letters?
😛
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### Author:  [@Stillwell\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stillwell_Angel)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/53 "2006-02-05T14:43:17Z")
> [@bluethree](#):
>
> Sounds like my ex. I’m glad he’s my ex.
I second that.
I didn’t leave him solely because of his slovenly ways but it was one of the many things that made it easier to make the desicision to leave.
I left him in the house and got my own place. Four months later he calls to tell me he is going to be having a houseguest. He wants to know if I took the broom and mop when I moved out. :dubious: This was **FOUR MONTHS** after I’d left.
And yes, I had taken the broom and mop. I told him if he was just now noticing then maybe a different set of cleaning tools was in order, like a match and a gallon of gasoline.
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### Author:  [@Stillwell\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stillwell_Angel)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/54 "2006-02-05T14:45:26Z")
> [@Stillwell Angel](#):
>
> the desicision to leave.
:smack:
I really can spell, I swear.
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### Author:  [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/55 "2006-02-05T15:26:41Z")
I don’t think the OP is or was ready for constructive advice.
Having once been consumed by chronic rage (very draining)–I recognize it in her. I imagine her rant was years in the making, and only the start of many such outbursts to come.
She did indeed need to just rant. I think she should find a safe haven (ie therapist) to do her rants and after about the 5th or 6th scheduled rant, she most likely will settle down into changing reactions, behaviors or planning out a new life for just her.
So she didn’t take the pearls of wisdom so easily and blithely given here. So what? In the state she was in, ANY hint of problem ownership means “new attacker-defend at all costs.”
It ain’t pretty and it’s hell to live thru. **Tiddley** or **Widdley** (can’t remember which)–find a counsellor for YOU. He’s not going to change. You need a place to talk this shit thru–you will feel so much better, believe me. Therapy isn’t easy, but it can be a godsend.
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### Author:  [@Tenar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenar)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/56 "2006-02-05T15:48:44Z")
On the off chance that the OP comes back, I’ll throw in my .02, however belatedly.
I understand your VAST frustration – really I do. And I’ll wager that your husband is, in his own way, as frustrated as you are with his compulsions and forgetfulness. Nonetheless, and as a person whose father is much like your husband, and who has strong tendencies in that direction myself, may I join the voices urging you to consider either leaving him or threatening (sincerely) to do so?
Regardless of whether you call him ACOA, OCD or ADD, (and may I suggest, possibly a touch bipolar, as well) he is either on the wrong meds or not taking the ones he has. He is making you miserable and (probably) making himself miserable, as well. PLEASE don’t be like my mother and stay with a man who makes you feel miserable and martyred, regardless of whether his failings are his own fault or a quirk of chemistry. All you’ll do is spend the remaining years of your lives pissing each other off. My mom – who, unlike you, has no income whatsoever except that which derives from my father – is now 74 years old and a right pain in the ass because she can’t let go of her rage and frustration for five seconds in order to talk to my father as if he were a human being. She rants to him, she rants to us, and she rants to HERSELF. Is she justified in her rage? Sure. Absolutely. But that doesn’t change the fact that she is making herself and everyone else at least as miserable as dad is because she didn’t have the wherewithal to pick up and bail out years ago.
You have a chance. I hope you take it. If you don’t, I hope you are well, but I suspect you will be a very unhappy lady.
Best of Luck – really!!! No sarcasm.
---
### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/57 "2006-02-05T19:25:56Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#):
>
> I don’t think the OP is or was ready for constructive advice.
>
> Having once been consumed by chronic rage (very draining)–I recognize it in her. I imagine her rant was years in the making, and only the start of many such outbursts to come.
>
> She did indeed need to just rant. I think she should find a safe haven (ie therapist) to do her rants and after about the 5th or 6th scheduled rant, she most likely will settle down into changing reactions, behaviors or planning out a new life for just her.
>
> So she didn’t take the pearls of wisdom so easily and blithely given here. So what? In the state she was in, ANY hint of problem ownership means “new attacker-defend at all costs.”\
I agree with you and your take on the situation, **eleanor**. I don’t think that we would be doing **widdley** any favours by not calling her on her own role in her situation, though. I go to a self-help group every Tuesday night, and I see people there coming back for decades instead of getting healthy because they won’t take responsibility for their own problems.
**widdley** , my advice was meant to help you in what sounds like a terrible, frustrating situation. It sounds like you are feeling quite sorry for yourself, and while that is understandable, what YOU need to understand is that feeling sorry for yourself is just a huge waste of time and emotion. It gets you absolutely nowhere, and keeps you stuck where you are. Get as mad at us as you like. The information you needed to know is still in your brain now, where you can access it when you’re ready.
---
### Author:  [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/58 "2006-02-05T20:00:39Z")
Thanks, **featherlou** --I hope she does get help. Right now it’s a stalemate, which is a black hole for growth.
Me? I’d get out and never look back, but she’s not me.
---
### Author:  [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/59 "2006-02-05T20:56:43Z")
**widdleytinks:**
I think the reason you’re getting so much flak here is that it’s my guess that there is a higher than normal percentage of hoarder/stacker/ADD types on this board. This board attracts such personalities.
As a hoarder/stacker/disorganized type myself (though nowhere near what you claim your husband is like), I think it might be helpful for you to separate the situation into two different subjects. The first is your husband’s laziness in not helping out with basic houshold chores. That’s unacceptable, unless he works twice as many hours as you or something.
But the other issue is that his personality is not yours. Take it from me, I guarantee that he would love to be as organized as you are. People who are naturally organized and tidy have no idea how difficult this seemingly simple thing is for some people. You have no idea how many times I"ve tried to ‘get organized’. I’ve bought filing cabinets. I’ve bought shelves and organizers for my junk. I will occasionally, once every couple of years, go on an ‘organizing spree’. It never sticks. The piles come back. I’ve been like that my whole life. I remember in elementary school how determined I’d be at the start of each semester that THIS time I’d be organized. I had all my binders and duotangs organized, dividers for all my subjects, and it was going to be wonderful. And by the end of every semester I’d be walking around with loose papers scattered through my binder and I’d spend part of every class digging through the mess to find the material I needed.
Recognize that on this second issue you are not on the moral high ground, and neither is he. There is nothing intrinsically worse about living with a certain amount of clutter than living in a pristine home. You could start by respecting the fact that your husband’s brain doesn’t work like yours, and therefore the environment he finds most comfortable to live in is not the same as yours.
So I suggest that rather than trying to turn your husband into you, or lecturing him on how wrong he is to have his piles of stuff, you learn to compromise. Have a long talk with him in which you talk about allowing him to have his piles of stuff, at least in some parts of the house, and in return he has to recognize that it’s not fair that you have to do all the necessary housework. Maybe you need to divide the house into ‘your’ areas and ‘his’ areas, and enforce it. I don’t touch my wife’s desk. I don’t go into her sewing room. Her side of the bathroom is off limits to me. Her side of the closet is off limits to me. I like to think I’ve improved dramatically in helping with housework, cooking, etc. In response, she has learned to tolerate the untidy spaces that mirror my somewhat untidy mind. We still work at it, and there’s still tension, but we both recognize that we’re honestly trying, and that goes a long way.
If his stuff encroaches on your side of the closet, just pick it up and push it over to his side. Don’t lecture him, don’t yell at him, just take care of business. Enforce the separation of spaces (NOT by throwing his stuff out - you have no idea how maddening that is), but by simply moving it back to his space and leaving it to him to figure out what to do with it. Eventually he’ll get the message. And he’ll be a lot more willing to work harder to keep that agreement if he sees that you are being reasonable and understanding of how he needs to live.
One more piece of advice: This type of behaviour often comes with significant other benefits. Such people often have high IQs and/or are very creative. You might want to spend some time focusing on the good things your husband’s brain brings to the marriage, to make the bad stuff more tolerable. And he should do the same for you. You might even try to help break him out of his laziness not by yelling at him to clean up, but by encouraging him to do the things he might actually be good at. Enroll him in a painting class as a gift, or encourage some creative hobby he might have. Show some interest in that side of his brain, and he’ll be that much more likely to want to please you.
---
### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [February 5, 2006, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-my-lazy-husband-and-i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-this-is-lame/343030/60 "2006-02-05T21:02:02Z")
**Sam’s** advice is fantastic. Listen to him.
Daniel
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