# In which I pit Reign: the Conqueror **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 7, 2004, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190 "2004-01-07T12:30:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/1 "2004-01-07T12:30:39Z")
Oh, how my little history-luvin’ heart doth weep. My bestest buddy is a total Anime Freak ™ and, against my better judgment, I’ve allowed her to introduce me to a sampling of Japanese animation. Some is great (Hiyao Miyazaki), some is good (_Inuyasha_) and some, to put it kindly, just blows chunks (_Reign: the Conqueror_). _Reign_, for the lucky bastards who haven’t seen it, is the scifi “retelling” of the story of Alexander the Great, done by the same folks who made Mtv’s _Aeon Flux_. I should’ve known from the start that something was terribly wrong when Alexander donned bondage gear and set out to conquer the world with giant robots. First, the title. _Reign: the Conqueror_ has to be the stupidest title imaginable. It’s damn confusing, for one thing, since it sounds like “Reign” is the conqueror, not Alexander. Of course, since it’s Alexander’s reign, shouldn’t it be _Reign of the Conqueror_ or something similar? Nevermind, that would make too much sense. Secondly, the character designs are all funky. Everyone is drawn out of proportion, so all the bodies have insanely long legs and no butts, not to mention the women’s rock-hard breasts. What are those things made out of, concrete? The 3-D animation appears to be there mostly because they couldn’t spend the budget on useless stuff like good writing, so they decided to blow it on really obvious computer effects. Half the time I can’t tell one character from another – Eurydice and Roxanne looked so much alike I originally thought they _were_ the same character. The only way I can distinguish the males is by the colors of their jockstraps. Alexander has one – count 'em, _one_ – facial expression. Poor Philotas has a constantly surprised look on his face, as though he can’t believe he’s trapped in a show so horrible. I had a bet going with another friend that Hephaistion was the black-haired dude we had affectionately nicknamed “Nipples”. I was heartbroken to discover he was the lyre-playing blue-haired fellow with the green scrunchie. I mean, at least Nipples could color-coordinate. A green scrunchie in blue hair? Ick! For some god-forsaken reason, Cassander has been changed into a girl, Cassandra. I suppose this was done to fulfil the ‘busty ass-kicking scantily-clad babe’ quota. I can just imagine _Reign_’s creators sitting around, saying, “You know, this guy Cassander is kinda redundant. Let’s make him a girl.” “That’s a brilliant idea! Let’s give him huge boobies!” “Yes, let’s!” The Persian princess Roxanne looks like Hitler’s Aryan wet dream. She’s also ditzy as hell, nothing at all like the vicious bitch she was historically. In one episode, she’s climbing out of her bath when Alexander jumps on top of her. I don’t know about you, but if I was coming out of my bath and some strange half-naked man in a jockstrap jumped on top of me and started writhing around, I’d be screaming my head off. But Roxanne justs tells him her name and then says, “His skin smells so sweet!” Yeah, his scent is really what would be going through any rational person’s mind at that moment. I still can’t believe Olympias has the horrible cliche evil villain laugh. The timeline is all messed up, but I didn’t really expect them to try to keep that consistant. Ptolemy acts like a nutcase and Alexander just rides around moping. In another episode he falls off the edge of the world and talks to Pythagoras. Why? For some ham-handed attempt at philosophy, I guess. Then he invades Athens so he can talk to a dude who lives in a barrell that turns out to be a gateway to another dimension. Riiiight. _Reign_ is a bit overly impressed with it’s own intelligence. There’s some nonsense about Alexander being a king of destruction and creation, and a prophecy of him destroying the world, over which Olympias _bwa-hah-hah_s her way through a few episodes. Forget the meaning of life, the real mystery of _Reign_ is why Darius wears a sweater with a jockstrap. One half of him is either going to be very hot, or very cold. In the first episode I ever saw, Ptolemy was planning to stab (!!!) Alexander, and this was his entire rationalization for why he wanted to kill Alex: “Hephaistion has died, so Alexander will want to kill me, so I had best kill Alexander first!” I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Ptolemy, you’ve just gone from point A to point C with no point B inbetween. Why would Alex want to kill you because Heph is dead? Unless you killed Heph, that is?’ I guess I missed the episode where Ptolemy, for no reason whatsoever, shoves an entire live badger down Hephaistion’s throat, or however the hell they decided to kill him. Alexander has to be the least interesting character of all time. My theory is that he’s on that famous Persian hallucinogenic honey all the time, thusly explaining his spacey behavior and his tendancy to hallucinate for entire episodes. He’s high! All together now! “I was gonna conquer you, but then I got high, I was gonna be a god too, but then I got high, Now I’m dying at age 32, and I know why! Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high!” And that, in summation is why I really don’t like _Reign_. P.S. What IS that stuff on Ptolemy’s face? Makeup? Tattoos? A skin disease? What? ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/2 "2004-01-07T16:31:47Z")
> [@](#): > > I should’ve known from the start that something was terribly wrong when Alexander donned bondage gear and set out to conquer the world with giant robots. **vibrotronica** ’s First Rule of Anime: Everything’s better with giant robots. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/3 "2004-01-07T17:16:59Z")
Best Afroman reference ever. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/4 "2004-01-07T20:26:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vibrotronica \* > \*\ ***vibrotronica** ’s First Rule of Anime: > > Everything’s better with giant robots. \*\* What isn’t, really? ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/5 "2004-01-07T23:24:43Z")
You actually _sat through_ that crap? I took one look at it, screamed due to the burning in my eyes, and changed the channel. I _never_ got the popularity of Aeon Flux. It and Reign have got some of the shittiest designs ever. That’s just my opinion, but I think others shared it; Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim guys were hurt that people didn’t like their pet pretentious anime. Ahem. Going off track. Suffice to say, Reign is evil. ---
**Author:** ![DeaganTheWolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DeaganTheWolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeaganTheWolf)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/6 "2004-01-08T00:13:01Z")
Reign blows, at least the original Aeon Flux was funny; she always bought it at the end of each short. Reign is inchomprehensible. ---
**Author:** ![Nightime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Nightime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nightime)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/7 "2004-01-08T01:34:27Z")
Aeon Flux was awesome. But Reign is quite terrible. At least, I assume it is, because I can’t bring myself to watch even as much as the OP has seen of it. ---
**Author:** ![fushj00mang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d26b3c/32.png) [@fushj00mang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fushj00mang)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/8 "2004-01-08T01:43:14Z")
> [@](#): > > I never got the popularity of Aeon Flux. It and Reign have got some of the shittiest designs ever. That’s just my opinion, but I think others shared it; Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim guys were hurt that people didn’t like their pet pretentious anime. I thought Aeon Flux was MTV networks, not Cartoon Networks. Am I wrong? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/9 "2004-01-08T01:54:30Z")
When _Reign_ comes on, I either go to bed, or switch to the Disney Channel and watch _Boy Meets World_ until it’s time for _Futurama_ and _The Family Guy_. I’ve seen all I eed to of _Reign_. Although I did like the fact that the Athenian guy living in the barrel was **Diogenes the [Cynic] Dog**. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/10 "2004-01-08T02:04:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by fushj00mang \* > \*\*I thought Aeon Flux was MTV networks, not Cartoon Networks. Am I wrong? \*\* No, no, you’re absolutely right. Aeon Flux was on MTV long before Cartoon network even existed. I actually did watch Aeon Flux, though not for its style. Reign, however, is shown on Cartoon Network, though lately they’ve moved it back to the late-late- **late** slot. They used to show it around midnight, but it apparently got such a bad response that the guys at Adult Swim put up a comment in their usual white-on-black cards saying how hurt they were. I like Adult Swim, but the guys running it seem pretentious at times–neither Reign nor Aeon Flux strike me as entertainment suitable for mass audiences. ---
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/11 "2004-01-08T10:42:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BayleDomon \* > \*\*You actually _sat through_ that crap? > \*\* I can’t look away. It’s like watching a train wreck or listening to a Celine Dion album – gruesome, yet strangely compelling. ---
**Author:** ![county](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce7236/32.png) [@county](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/county)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/12 "2004-01-08T13:22:48Z")
So, how much time you got invested in this to date? ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/13 "2004-01-08T13:26:37Z")
I tried to watch it, but all the man-thong in the trailers drove me off. I love anime, but Reign seems to be in the same camp as Apocalypse Zero…_shudder_… ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2004, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/14 "2004-01-08T13:45:42Z")
May I say, **Nichol\_storm** , that having _your_ description of _Reign_ on hand, the whole thing would have become much more enjoyable. Of course, that still would require that it NEVER be watched w/o prior consumption of psychoactive substances. > [@](#): > > the real mystery of Reign is why Darius wears a sweater with a jockstrap. One half of him is either going to be very hot, or very cold. Outstanding. ---
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2004, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/15 "2004-01-10T12:02:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by county \* > \*\*So, how much time you got invested in this to date? \*\* I’ve watched maybe six episodes, all out of order, but that doesn’t make any difference. 1. Alexander falls off the edge of the world, talks to Pythagoras, almost gets murdered by Ptolemy, Roxanne is pregnant. 2. Alexander and the boys save Ptolemy from Darius, he mounts Roxanne for the first time. Giddee up! 3. Philip dies and Olympias cackles a lot. She french-kisses her snake. Poor Phil probably couldn’t compete with the snake. 4. Alexander talks to the dog-dude in the barrell. 5. Parmenion and Philotas talk about the “shocking revelation” concerning Alexander, which is never revealed to the audience. Alexander cuts the Gordian knot and Hephaistion plays the lyre. 6. Alexander, apparently under the influence of the wacky weed, hallucinates Alexandria, which has not yet been built. Rampant ass close-ups. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2004, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/in-which-i-pit-reign-the-conqueror/223190/16 "2004-01-10T16:59:28Z")
I never liked Peter Chung’s character designs, and I figured that if Reign was as nonsensical and self-important as Aeon Flux (not a good combination), I could safely skip it. Guess I chose wisely!