# Inappropriate relationship **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [October 31, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995 "2010-10-31T19:17:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/61 "2010-11-01T05:40:40Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > You seem to be assuming that the only thing that attracted the youth and the adult originally were their specifically youthful and mature traits. I assume we’re talking about these relationships in general. There are obviously going to be exceptions. But overall, I think relationships like this will frequently experience the problems I described. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/62 "2010-11-01T10:41:34Z")
> [@smileybastard](#): > > The question was why people find them inappropriate not simply your opinion. As an adult, do you have much experience with teenagers? Not your own memories of being a teen, but hours spent with them since you’ve turned 30? If not, let me tell you something–teenagers are dumb. Even the ones who are working full time to support their family while taking 7 AP classes and who score 2300 on the SAT. There’s just this fundamental _lack of judgment_ among kids that you don’t see when you are one but that you start to recognize after spending time with them as an adult. There’s brain research to support this–the frontal cortex, which is responsible for judgment, doesn’t finish maturing until the early 20s. Teenagers are, in a very specific way, functionally brain damaged. Luckily, they get better, but until they do the adults around them have a responsibility not to take advantage of their poor judgment. Please don’t think I am being insulting to teens. I really, really like teenagers, and have been humbled time and time again by how hard they are willing to work, how brilliant they can be, by how ethical they are, by their stunning and sincere generosity. A 17 year old can display all of these qualities in spades, and certainly on par with the average adult. But the judgment is weaker across the board. The ones who haven’t made a at least a handful of bizarre and self-destructive choices have, IME, been lucky, not wise. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/63 "2010-11-01T13:23:02Z")
They are inappropriate simply because they are not fair to the minor, in general. And with most laws and mores, you have to deal with generalities. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/64 "2010-11-01T13:41:09Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > I meant that an 18 y/o woman might react in a different way from how a 38 y/o woman would. They likely would, and as I said they could be as easily rejected by someone their age. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/65 "2010-11-01T13:46:14Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > I don’t really understand why people are so negative about it. It doesn’t seem to me that the stereotypes usually apply very well. > > But then, I’m in a LTR with a man 17 years older than I, and we started dating when I was 19. We knew a family who won the lottery. They pocketed almost $8 million and have lived comfortably ever since, never having to worry about money. I still would not recommend lotto tickets as a reliable retirement plan. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/66 "2010-11-01T13:47:11Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > And I’m saying that people _don’t_ find them inherently inappropriate. > > Two 17 year olds are dating. One is a few months older and turns 18 and the pair continue dating. Now he’s a child molester, right? > > People find the extreme relationships (30-40 to 16, 17, 18) inappropriate because it’s an adult with years of experience dating an inexperienced child. Whether the law declares a person to be beyond the age of consent is irrelevant. If murder was made legal that wouldn’t change my moral outrage in regards to murder. I understood you didn’t find a fews years different a problem. What I was looking for is in your second paragraph - thanks. Why the likelihood of many years of dating interrelating with someone inexperienced make it inappropriate? The homicide analogy is a poor analogy because homicide illegal or not is clearly harming someone, in fact likely many people. A very poor comparison unless you claim this relationship will cause harm innately. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/67 "2010-11-01T13:48:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > If you don’t understand, we can’t tell you. Thanks. That is the answer of pure discrimination. It is just wrong and it can’t be explained. Like homophobia or racism. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/68 "2010-11-01T13:51:11Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I assume we’re talking about these relationships in general. There are obviously going to be exceptions. But overall, I think relationships like this will frequently experience the problems I described. I was asking in general yes. What do you base this thinking on? Many relationships have imbalances. Does it fit in with people marrying with people of different religions, cultural backgrounds, economic backgrounds and such? ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/69 "2010-11-01T13:54:25Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > As an adult, do you have much experience with teenagers? Not your own memories of being a teen, but hours spent with them since you’ve turned 30? If not, let me tell you something–teenagers are dumb. Even the ones who are working full time to support their family while taking 7 AP classes and who score 2300 on the SAT. There’s just this fundamental _lack of judgment_ among kids that you don’t see when you are one but that you start to recognize after spending time with them as an adult. > > There’s brain research to support this–the frontal cortex, which is responsible for judgment, doesn’t finish maturing until the early 20s. Teenagers are, in a very specific way, functionally brain damaged. Luckily, they get better, but until they do the adults around them have a responsibility not to take advantage of their poor judgment. > > Please don’t think I am being insulting to teens. I really, really like teenagers, and have been humbled time and time again by how hard they are willing to work, how brilliant they can be, by how ethical they are, by their stunning and sincere generosity. A 17 year old can display all of these qualities in spades, and certainly on par with the average adult. But the judgment is weaker across the board. The ones who haven’t made a at least a handful of bizarre and self-destructive choices have, IME, been lucky, not wise. I have a lot of experience yes and I disagree they are dumb. I have dealt with many teenagers who were far more capable of making good decisions than many adults. And if they make a bad judgement in a relationship with someone older as apposed to someone their age how does that differ? ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/70 "2010-11-01T13:55:36Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > They are inappropriate simply because they are not fair to the minor, in general. And with most laws and mores, you have to deal with generalities. In what way is it innately unfair to them? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/71 "2010-11-01T13:57:04Z")
> [@smileybastard](#): > > The homicide analogy is a poor analogy because homicide illegal or not is clearly harming someone, in fact likely many people. A very poor comparison unless you claim this relationship will cause harm innately. I wasn’t comparing murder’s capacity to cause harm with teeny bopping’s. I was illustrating that something’s legality can be irrelevant to its morality. In your OP you seem to be saying “why do people get all bent out of shape? They’re LEGAL!” I’m pointing out that their being legal is irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/72 "2010-11-01T13:58:59Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > We knew a family who won the lottery. They pocketed almost $8 million and have lived comfortably ever since, never having to worry about money. > > I still would not recommend lotto tickets as a reliable retirement plan. But we are not talking about recommending, we are talking about people think it being inappropriate. I would not recommend a teen to seek a relationship with an adult or vice versa, there are obviously complications. I would also not recommend someone to form a relationship with someone they had little in common with; had very different views on religion, children, morality etc. It is very different from thinking it inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/73 "2010-11-01T14:04:24Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I wasn’t comparing murder’s capacity to cause harm with teeny bopping’s. I was illustrating that something’s legality can be irrelevant to its morality. In your OP you seem to be saying “why do people get all bent out of shape? They’re LEGAL!” I’m pointing out that their being legal is irrelevant. My initial question had nothing to do with legality other than to place the situation in the legal sphere as to avoid legal arguments. In general I agree that morality is a separate thing, but comparing it to homicide also seems to imply that it is in the same level of seriousness. A less charged example would have been (in my opinion) the legality of drinking alcohol as it has been legal and illegal. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/74 "2010-11-01T14:07:26Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > They are inappropriate simply because they are not fair to the minor, in general. And with most laws and mores, you have to deal with generalities. Also criminal laws do not generally deal in generalities. They very clearly deal with specifics. Criminal law deals with the specific incident at hand and whether it was criminal. That is why criminal laws deal with both the guilty act and guilty mind. If a person kills another and yet in no way has a guilty mind they will not be found guilty in our form of justice system. ---
**Author:** ![smileybastard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@smileybastard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smileybastard)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/75 "2010-11-01T14:10:37Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I wasn’t comparing murder’s capacity to cause harm with teeny bopping’s. I was illustrating that something’s legality can be irrelevant to its morality. In your OP you seem to be saying “why do people get all bent out of shape? They’re LEGAL!” I’m pointing out that their being legal is irrelevant. Also by “teening bopping” are you referring to the simple act of having sex with a teenager? If so that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/76 "2010-11-01T14:13:36Z")
So, have we broken the ice sufficiently with antiseptic generalities that you feel comfortable revealing how old you are, and the age of the li’l tyke you’re in a “relationship” with (or still pursuing)? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/77 "2010-11-01T14:14:03Z")
> [@smileybastard](#): > > In what way is it innately unfair to them? It’s unfair in the same way it’s unfair for a Cy Young All Star MLB pitcher to pitch against a high school batter. Age and experience give you an unfair advantage. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/78 "2010-11-01T14:18:26Z")
> [@smileybastard](#): > > Also criminal laws do not generally deal in generalities. They very clearly deal with specifics. Criminal law deals with the specific incident at hand and whether it was criminal. That is why criminal laws deal with both the guilty act and guilty mind. If a person kills another and yet in no way has a guilty mind they will not be found guilty in our form of justice system. Hmmmm…let me follow your logic. If you decide to kill your mother because you really think she need’s to be in heaven with your dead father, and in your mind it’s not really murder…you’ll be found not guilty? Good luck at your arraignment. You want to use this logic to rationalize having sex with an underage girl, because your not guilty of statutory rape, you love her? That’s the logic you want to use? Good luck at your arraignment. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/79 "2010-11-01T14:22:43Z")
Famous examples: Woody Allen & Soon-Yi Previn Charlie Chaplin & Ooona O’neill The corker has to be [David Garnett & Angelica Bell](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Garnett#Personal_life). Her mother was his former loves, he saw the child right after she was born and decided to marry her right then and there. All three of these marriages survived. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2010, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995/80 "2010-11-01T14:27:13Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Hmmmm…let me follow your logic. If you decide to kill your mother because you really think she need’s to be in heaven with your dead father, and in your mind it’s not really murder…you’ll be found not guilty? Good luck at your arraignment. I take it that you’ve never heard of “not guilty by reason of insanity”? What you describe sounds like insanity to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-relationship/558995.md?page=5)