# Inappropriate things to write in a birthday card. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 24, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898 "2004-09-24T17:10:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/1 "2004-09-24T17:10:33Z")
Recently, my boss had a birthday, and our office gave him a card that we had all signed. Clever me, I wrote “You still have the heart of a young boy. I saw it in a jar in your desk.”\* Now, it’s my secretary’s birthday, and another card is making the rounds for everyone to sign. I will likely write something dull, but I started thinking of horribly inappropriate things to write in a card. The only one that sprang to mind was the terribly unfunny “Happy B-day, B-iatch!.” Can y’all think of any? I’m not going to use any. I do like my secretary. I just thought it might be fun. - I stole that from someone, but I don’t remember who. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/2 "2004-09-24T17:14:43Z")
“Happy Birthday, \! I’m very happy you have a position on my staff. wink wink” ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/3 "2004-09-24T17:21:37Z")
“Happy Birthday. Wanna screw?” ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/4 "2004-09-24T17:25:35Z")
“Happy Birthday! I wanted to get you a gift that really expressed how I feel about you, but the drugstore was all out of douchebags.” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/5 "2004-09-24T17:26:06Z")
For god’s sake, DON’T SPELL HER NAME WRONG! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/6 "2004-09-24T17:27:58Z")
\ ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Means\_Go](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cc9497/32.png) [@Green\_Means\_Go](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Means_Go)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/7 "2004-09-24T17:29:01Z")
Happy Birthday! Remember, you’re only as old as you look… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/8 "2004-09-24T17:38:10Z")
Rest assured, your dresses have never made your ass look big. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/9 "2004-09-24T17:41:14Z")
When I found out how old you were, I was shocked! I thought you were ten years older! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/10 "2004-09-24T17:42:27Z")
Enjoy this one, because it’s scientifically impossible to have too many more. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/11 "2004-09-24T17:44:27Z")
I’m loving all of these (definitely recommend **Casey’s** … but I hope to Og she’s got a sense of humor! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/12 "2004-09-24T18:00:57Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > “Happy Birthday, \! I’m very happy you have a position on my staff. wink wink” It’s a paraphrased Robert Bloch ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/13 "2004-09-24T18:02:09Z")
:smack: Whoops, wrong post. I meant to reply to the OP…Sorry Hal… ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/14 "2004-09-24T18:08:35Z")
“Wow, you’re really getting up there!” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/15 "2004-09-24T18:14:19Z")
Do a PSA, NBC style: “The only two birthday celebrations mentioned in the Bible both ended with a beheading. Just thought you should know.” And then draw a little cartoon of a corpseless head. Good times. (why yes, I have talked with the JWs before… 😛 ) ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/16 "2004-09-24T20:32:51Z")
Don’t worry if birthdays get you depressed, at your age you won’t have many more birthdays to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/17 "2004-09-24T20:34:11Z")
“Looks like I lost the Death Pool for you again this year.” ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/18 "2004-09-24T20:38:30Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#): > > For god’s sake, DON’T SPELL HER NAME WRONG! Heh. Thats what I was gonna say… ---
**Author:** ![saramamalana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@saramamalana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saramamalana)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/19 "2004-09-24T20:46:35Z")
“For your birthday, we all chipped in to save you a spot at Shady Pines Nursing Home. It’s never to early to start planning!” As for the OP, I believe that line was said by Stephen King. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/20 "2004-09-24T21:22:28Z")
Actual text from the last birthday card I gave out, to the woman I habitually sleep with. (You must understand that it followed a full week of increasingly petulant hints that she expected _poetry_ in her card.) > [@](#): > > _Oh my God, you’re fifty-four- > So here’s your card, ya ol’ fat whore. > You may be right, and I’m a meanie, > but when push comes t’shove, > Larry’s nice to Jeannie._ Surprisingly, it went over really well. Well, maybe not so surprisingly. [Same woman.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=261985) I’m beginning to think if I really want out I’m going to have to be more assertive. Argh. Being a jerk doesn’t come as easily to me as you might think, from these two examples. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898.md?page=2)