# Inappropriate things to write in a birthday card. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 24, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898 "2004-09-24T17:10:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/21 "2004-09-24T21:24:27Z")
> [@saramamalana](#): > > As for the OP, I believe that line was said by Stephen King. Gahan Wilson used it first. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/22 "2004-09-24T21:43:05Z")
Next time let a few people know your age. We almost cut you in half to count the rings. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/23 "2004-09-24T21:47:48Z")
(If she has theatrical aspirations) “You definitely have a future on the stage! And the next one leaves in fifteen minutes!” Yes, I know the stagecoach is an outmoded mode of transportation. The line’s still funny. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/24 "2004-09-24T22:28:13Z")
Well, if she’s your secretary, you might write something along the lines of (feel free to customize this): HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now, 1. cancel my appointmenst for today, 2. pick up my dry cleaning 3. get my some coffee! Luv (your name) ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/25 "2004-09-24T23:18:27Z")
Hey, Sweet-tits: Sorry about the herpes, but at least you got _something_ from me this year!!! Love, Your Boss. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2004, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/26 "2004-09-24T23:42:18Z")
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/27 "2004-09-25T00:18:51Z")
Lookin’ good at your age. It’s a shame you’ll never be as good in bed as your sister. How much is that in dog years? When they made you, they broke the mold. Rumor has it they beat the hell out of the moldmaker, too. I was going to get you some lingere, but they didn’t have any Depends at Victoria’s Secret. When I see your face, I think of birds. Mostly swallows. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/28 "2004-09-25T00:38:35Z")
> [@danceswithcats](#): > > When they made you, they broke the mold. Rumor has it they beat the hell out of the moldmaker, too. Alternately, “After you were born, they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.” (Paraphrased from Emo Phillips.) ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/29 "2004-09-25T00:43:05Z")
"Happy Birthday. Sorry about what happened to your sister. FWIW, I told that interfering girl, and her little dog, you just went on vacation. 😉 " ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/30 "2004-09-25T04:10:14Z")
Considering the OP’s name: Happy Birthday! I’m alive, she’s dead, I’m yours! ---
**Author:** ![jnglmassiv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f07891/32.png) [@jnglmassiv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jnglmassiv)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/31 "2004-09-25T09:52:39Z")
“Here’s to several more!” ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/32 "2004-09-25T17:52:49Z")
“Would you show me the birthday card the White House sent you?” (they send those to people over the age of 80). “Next year you’ll have to write your age in scientific notation”. “Congratulations !!! I’ve heard the Guiness Book was inquiring about your age !!!” ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/33 "2004-09-25T20:23:08Z")
“Lucky for you, it’s better to feel young than to look young.” “Just remember, you’re not getting better, you’re getting older.” “At your age, you’re probably relieved your husband’s sleeping around.” ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2004, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/34 "2004-09-25T20:34:37Z")
“::runs nekkid thru card::” [sub]one trick pony? ME?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![nocturnal\_tick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@nocturnal\_tick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nocturnal_tick)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/35 "2004-09-26T12:59:53Z")
Memo to Frank: Did you give Bill the AS-49 to sign yesterday? -Steve p.s. Happy Birthday Alice. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/36 "2004-09-26T13:08:36Z")
My wedding card from one friend read: **Happy wedding you pair of c\*nts.** I’ve another friend who often writes: **i never liked you anyway** Particularly effective in going-away cards. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/37 "2004-09-26T16:44:33Z")
So… you legal yet? Hey, you guys are all assuming she’s _old_! ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/38 "2004-09-26T17:33:06Z")
\ Never write anything in a birthday card for someone at work that you don’t want to come back and haunt you down the road. \ ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/39 "2004-09-26T17:51:04Z")
I wanted to buy you a present so on thursday when you went to lunch and left your keys at your desk I left work, snuck into your apartment and looked around trying to find out what kind of things you’d need. I couldn’t think of anything (nice underwear drawer btw) I thought you’d like so I just bought you 30 lbs of baby oil and some blank videocassettes. ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/40 "2004-09-26T18:14:29Z")
“AARP called, they said you’re legit now!” “Wow, you must have gone to Dick Clarks’ hairstylist!” “I always thought of you as a Captain Kirk: _"Boldly going where no geriatric has gone before. . ._” Tripler That’s all I got. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898.md?page=3)