# Inappropriate things to write in a birthday card. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 24, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898 "2004-09-24T17:10:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/41 "2004-09-26T18:23:44Z")
Happy Birthday to the loveliest, smartest, best-dressed secretary in the entire office. This must be your 18th birthday, right ? Sincerely - **Eddie Haskell** ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2004, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/42 "2004-09-26T18:54:22Z")
W **H** ore **A** ss **P** iss **P** iss **Y** am **Bi** tch **R** a **T** W **H** ore **DA** mn **Y** am! Hey, the idea is funny. The execution, maybe not so much. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/43 "2004-09-27T02:51:06Z")
“Happy birthday—may you meet death on your feet, with blood-slicked Steel in thy grip. Let the foundations of Valhalla tremble with the approach of your footsteps!” ---
**Author:** ![Iceland\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4bbf92/32.png) [@Iceland\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iceland_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/44 "2004-09-27T12:59:13Z")
I was quite pleased with an effort for a 50th birthday card… ‘don’t think of 50 as being old… …if you were a tortoise you wouldn’t even have reached middle age yet!’ ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/45 "2004-09-27T13:55:39Z")
What I almost put in a card for my sister last year: “Bitch, why aren’t you dead yet?” ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/46 "2004-09-27T15:05:07Z")
“There are so few women who swallow, these days.” “Happy Birthday to a woman who REALLY appreciates a fine bottle of Boone’s Farm.” “I left a twenty on your nightstand.” “I don’t know why women your age even bother to bleach their facial hair.” . . . If none of these are inappropriate enough, just get a two-line rubber stamp \*\*HAPPY BIRTHDAY \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Siddhartha Vicious\*\* ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2004, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/47 "2004-09-27T21:07:06Z")
“I’m not saying that you’re old, I’m just saying that somewhere in an attic there’s a portrait of you that’s getting really young.” ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Magic8ball](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Miss\_Magic8ball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Magic8ball)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2004, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/48 "2004-09-30T02:29:04Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > “::runs nekkid thru card::” > > [sub]one trick pony? ME?[/sub] …and yet, it NEVER gets old… ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2004, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/49 "2004-09-30T03:19:39Z")
Happy birthday to you. (You, you, you. Why is everything always about you?) ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2004, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898/50 "2004-09-30T03:30:00Z")
“Birthdays are like poison cupcakes. You can only have so many before you’re dead” – Rob Fairchild [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inappropriate-things-to-write-in-a-birthday-card/265898.md?page=2)