# Inattentive Parents **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 2, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750 "2010-04-02T17:27:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/142 "2010-04-21T00:13:32Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > It is the proper role of adults to demonstrate, explain, and (when necessary) enforce acceptable behavior, while still allowing kids maximum room to be kids _within_ that scope. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > If you change that to “it is the proper role of adults to demonstrate…” to “it is the proper role of **parents** to demonstrate…,” I could buy that. I’m an adult, and I have no obligation to do anything whatsoever with other people’s kids. > [@spark240](#): > > I disagree, unless you want to withdraw from society and make your own way in the wilderness. This is part of what living with other human beings entails; you have many small responsibilities to the people around you. > > Besides, playing a minor support role in the decent growth of other people’s children into adults is in your direct personal interest, as well. We all benefit from kids growing up right, whether they’re ours or not. Considering the repeated reports in this and many other threads that so many parents consider any suggestion by other adults that their precious snowflakes are less than perfect, or to treat any effort to correct their behavior as at best an insult to their own parenting skills or at worst at attempt at sexual assault, do you really think that “playing a minor support role in the decent growth of other people’s children into adults” would actually work in today’s society? Perhaps it would have when I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, since my parents would have thanked any of our neighbors for telling them if they saw me misbehave, but not today. ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/143 "2010-04-21T00:48:55Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > Considering the repeated reports in this and many other threads that so many parents consider any suggestion by other adults that their precious snowflakes are less than perfect, or to treat any effort to correct their behavior as at best an insult to their own parenting skills or at worst at attempt at sexual assault, do you really think that “playing a minor support role in the decent growth of other people’s children into adults” would actually work in today’s society? Perhaps it would have when I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, since my parents would have thanked any of our neighbors for telling them if they saw me misbehave, but not today. Even the 70s. When I was growing up, every adult in our neighborhood could correct you. Every adult was “Mster” this or “Missus” that. Some were called aunt this or uncle that even if you weren’t related. But nowadays it seems that folks consider it a personal affront if you don’t think their children are the end all and be all of everything. I won’t knowingly allow a child to come to harm. But I am not ultimately responsible for your child. I understand that children may act up in a public setting…but I expect their parents to do something about it, as in discipline or remove the child from the setting so the other people there can enjoy it. If that means you can’t bring your unruly screaming kid to a party or a theater, or whatever, well, thats the price you pay for being a parent. I didn’t fuck your wife so why should I bear responsibility for your spawn? ---
**Author:** ![CutterJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@CutterJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CutterJohn)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/144 "2010-04-21T03:10:53Z")
If i’m at a party, and there are kids around, I keep a bit of an eye on them, make sure they don’t kill themselves. No big deal. Its just part of life. Everyone at the party keeps a bit of an eye on them. I certainly wouldn’t expect the parent to be in constant visual contact with the kid to make sure not a hair on their head is scratched. Running around, screaming, spilling stuff? And? Its a barbecue. Us adults will meet them there after a few beers. Which my 3 year old niece loves getting her dad and I, in glass bottles. Every social function I’ve gone to, growing up, and now, the adults mingled and had conversations, and the kids ran around, or ran off and played with other kids in sand or mud. Adults only interfered if the behavior was particularly egregious, or if there was imminent physical danger. Occasionally parents had to be sought out, but not often. The group, as a whole, kept an eye out for obvious dangers. Part of life, and not at all onerous, unless you take it entirely upon yourself to make sure the kid doesn’t get hurt, which is NOT the amount of responsibility expected of you. > [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > A few days after I moved into my house I got a knock at the door and there were three kids there. I’d say the oldest two were 9-12ish and the youngest was about 4. They said that they were there to swim. I was confused. The oldest explained that the lady who lives there let them use her pool but now there was a lock on the gate. > > I explained that she moved and I was living there now and that I wasn’t letting anyone use the pool. I said it nicely, honest! About twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and there were the kids again, but with their mother this time. > > I explained to her the same thing, that I’d purchased the house and the old owner was gone. She said something like “So are you telling me that my kids can’t swim here anymore?” and I said “Yes. I’m afraid they can’t.” She stood there with her mouth hanging open and then YELLED at me. “Thanks a LOT! What am I supposed to do with them all afternoon?” > > About a week later she came back with a basket of muffins and apologized for her behavior and said she was just frustrated that day. I accepted her apology and we spoke for a few minutes just to be neighborly. Before she left she tried AGAIN to get me to let her kids come swim. I told her no and gave her many reasons why not (although I was mad at myself later for doing it, I owed her no explanations). I told her I work a lot and am gone a lot, that I’m a private person and not really one for a lot of visitors, etc etc. She told me that I didn’t have to be there, that her kids were good swimmers. Unbelievable. > > The woman who had my house before me was probably 60ish and maybe she loved kids and didn’t mind them hanging around all the time, but that’s not me. Plus, I _definitely_ didn’t want the liability on me if something happened to them. > > /end rant on shitty, inattentive woman The woman is batshit, but when I was 4-5 my 7 and 6 year old brothers would take me down to the ponds to go swimming, unsupervised. A couple near misses with snapping turtles(which dad shot when they were reported, till we were old enough to take care of that ourselves), but rather uneventful otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/145 "2010-04-21T13:00:44Z")
Cool story, bro’. I suppose the lesson taught to the children there, is that if something is spoiling your fun, shoot it? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/146 "2010-04-21T13:24:42Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > Considering the repeated reports in this and many other threads that so many parents consider any suggestion by other adults that their precious snowflakes are less than perfect, or to treat any effort to correct their behavior as at best an insult to their own parenting skills or at worst at attempt at sexual assault, do you really think that “playing a minor support role in the decent growth of other people’s children into adults” would actually work in today’s society? Perhaps it would have when I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, since my parents would have thanked any of our neighbors for telling them if they saw me misbehave, but not today. > [@Jolly\_Roger](#): > > But nowadays it seems that folks consider it a personal affront if you don’t think their children are the end all and be all of everything. I won’t knowingly allow a child to come to harm. But I am not ultimately responsible for your child. I understand that children may act up in a public setting…but I expect their parents to do something about it, as in discipline or remove the child from the setting so the other people there can enjoy it. If that means you can’t bring your unruly screaming kid to a party or a theater, or whatever, well, thats the price you pay for being a parent. I didn’t fuck your wife so why should I bear responsibility for your spawn? Seems part of the same phenominon. Allegedly, parents disengage from community (this anecdotal, in paraphrase, 'you can’t tell my kids … ’ stuff); so you guys pre-emptively disengage from community (in paraphrase, 'not my kids, so I don’t want any part of ‘em’). Two sides to the same coin, really. Similarly, parents get shit for being hyper-protective 'helicopter" parents, supervising every single facet of their kid’s lives and never allowing them to be “free range” and get any responsibility on their own; they also get shit, as in this thread, for being 'inattentive". What is needed, clear;y, is some sort of middle ground. Kids cannot learn social responsibility if they are never allowed any social responsibility. That is not to say they should be allowed to rampage without consequence, because of course that doesn’t teach responsibility, either. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/147 "2010-04-21T13:48:06Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I explained to her the same thing, that I’d purchased the house and the old owner was gone. She said something like “So are you telling me that my kids can’t swim here anymore?” and I said “Yes. I’m afraid they can’t.” She stood there with her mouth hanging open and then YELLED at me. “Thanks a LOT! What am I supposed to do with them all afternoon?” Oh my, you’re giving me flashbacks. We almost ran over a loose dog on the interstate one day while traveling. We were able to stop in time and eventually caught him. We took him to the nearest building, a motel, and asked around – people eventually pointed us to a specific room. We knocked. A woman came to the door yawning and rubbing her eyes – obviously she had just awoken from a sound sleep. She said the dogs was hers, but he was supposed to be with her kids at the swimming pool. Eventually the three minor children were located, too. This woman was snoozing away in her motel room while her three minor children were swimming unsupervised in water deeper than their heads and her dog was cavorting on the interstate. I still feel like I shouldn’t have given her back that poor dog. . ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/148 "2010-04-21T13:49:45Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Oh my, you’re giving me flashbacks. We almost ran over a loose dog on the interstate one day while traveling. We were able to stop in time and eventually caught him. We took him to the nearest building, a motel, and asked around – people eventually pointed us to a specific room. We knocked. > > A woman came to the door yawning and rubbing her eyes – obviously she had just awoken from a sound sleep. She said the dogs was hers, but he was supposed to be with her kids at the swimming pool. Eventually the three minor children were located, too. > > This woman was snoozing away in her motel room while her three minor children were swimming unsupervised in water deeper than their heads and her dog was cavorting on the interstate. > > I still feel like I shouldn’t have given her back that poor dog. Curious: How old were the children? “Minor” is vague. Edit: Also, why do people space down a few times and end their post with a lone period? I’ve seen it quite a few times and can’t figure out what it’s done for. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/149 "2010-04-21T14:07:34Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Curious: How old were the children? “Minor” is vague. > > Edit: Also, why do people space down a few times and end their post with a lone period? I’ve seen it quite a few times and can’t figure out what it’s done for. I dunno, oldest was under 12…maybe 10, 6, 4. Guesstimate only. The spacing down thing is to forcibly shift the “last edited by Sailboat at 12:10pm” away from the end of the post. I want to end my post with a thought and I don’twantthatthoughttohavemeaninglesstextcrammedupagainstitdiestractingthereader. It’s better to offset it so the “edited” warning looks like the afterthought it is. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/150 "2010-04-21T15:08:12Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > Considering the repeated reports in this and many other threads that so many parents consider any suggestion by other adults that their precious snowflakes are less than perfect, or to treat any effort to correct their behavior as at best an insult to their own parenting skills or at worst at attempt at sexual assault, do you really think that “playing a minor support role in the decent growth of other people’s children into adults” would actually work in today’s society? You have a point. Still, I’d say that healthy children _need_ the attention of more than just their parents (sometimes–of course primary responsibility rests with the parents). If the attitudes of either parent or non-parent are precluding them getting it, the respective adult is not meeting their responsibility. FWIW, I recently stopped a kid who was playing rough in the designated younger-children’s area of a playground. He was running around, catching and throwing a football with a buddy, unintentionally intimidating smaller kids, and had pushed one down. Not a huge deal, but a little out of bounds for the setting. I told him so, and ordered him to introduce me to his father. After an attempt to make excuses (“I didn’t throw it that time,” etc.), he did so, and I explained the problem. There was no argument; his father told him to calm down and stay away from the smaller kids. And then I was thanked for setting the kid straight. > [@Jolly\_Roger](#): > > I am not ultimately responsible for your child. I understand that children may act up in a public setting…but I expect their parents to do something about it, as in discipline or remove the child from the setting so the other people there can enjoy it. If that means you can’t bring your unruly screaming kid to a party or a theater, or whatever, well, thats the price you pay for being a parent. I agree. _Screaming_ in any indoor public place is absolutely, categorically intolerable to me, always. If my kids do that, they are OUT OF THERE. Fortunately, this rule only has to applied about twice in a kid’s life, if the parent is getting most of the rest right. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750/151 "2010-04-21T16:16:21Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Seems part of the same phenominon. Allegedly, parents disengage from community (this anecdotal, in paraphrase, 'you can’t tell my kids … ’ stuff); so you guys pre-emptively disengage from community (in paraphrase, 'not my kids, so I don’t want any part of ‘em’). > > Two sides to the same coin, really. > > Similarly, parents get shit for being hyper-protective 'helicopter" parents, supervising every single facet of their kid’s lives and never allowing them to be “free range” and get any responsibility on their own; they also get shit, as in this thread, for being 'inattentive". > > What is needed, clear;y, is some sort of middle ground. Kids cannot learn social responsibility if they are never allowed any social responsibility. That is not to say they should be allowed to rampage without consequence, because of course that doesn’t teach responsibility, either. Currently what little interaction I have with children consists of incidental contact in stores and restaurants and is fairly minimal. The major exception, as I mentioned recently elsewhere on this board, is when I stay at a friend’s house; he has a ten year old son who is somewhere on the autism spectrum. He is functional (capable of taking care of his personal needs, and can even be left by himself for a few hours) but occasional needs to be reminded that he is not the center of the universe. His parents have done an admirable job of raising him, and I have no problem being around him, particularly since he (and his parents) acknowledge the authority of other adults in helping him learn to socialize. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inattentive-parents/534750.md?page=7)