# Inconsiderate or acceptable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 11, 2014, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397 "2014-03-11T01:33:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![JuliaSqueezer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/82dd89/32.png) [@JuliaSqueezer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JuliaSqueezer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2014, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/161 "2014-03-16T14:32:37Z")
[QUOTE=BigT;17198700 I’d never dream of telling people to eat before they came to a restaurant party.[/QUOTE] This. Especially if you are expecting them to bring you a birthday gift. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2014, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/162 "2014-03-16T14:54:54Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I don’t know any sushi restaurant that has sushi in its name. There’s a place not far from my house called “Mushi Mushi Kosher Sushi”. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2014, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/163 "2014-03-16T15:04:14Z")
Personally I find his flat out refusal to even try sushi more interesting, and more funny than the rest of the OP. I don’t care for most sushi, but I’ll certainly try it. I’ve told friends/my wife I don’t like it, and they’ve asked, “Have you tried _this_ particular roll?” “Come to think of it, no, I haven’t” “Maybe you’ll like this one then?”. So I’m mature enough to give them the benefit of the doubt and try it. There are some kinds of sushi that are apparently just some vegetables stuffed in a little donut of rice. There’s also varities that are a small piece of shrimp on top of a ball of rice (benign enough even for myself to enjoy). And all of the sushi places I’ve been to offer stuff other than sushi, so its fine. The point is being so utterly unwilling to even try something comes off as hilariously childish and immature. And if the OP had any common sense he would have thought about that fact as he was typing. We don’t know the OP personally, he could have bulshitted his whole post by saying “I’m really allergic to shellfish and don’t want to risk a trip to the ER accidentally eating something that turns my face purple”. But instead he said he doens’t like it, never tried it, never will (which ironically comes off as more truthful to me). ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2014, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/164 "2014-03-16T15:09:40Z")
It would help if the OP specified what he/she meant by “non-sushi”. If it’s the raw fish that’s the problem, I’ve never heard of a sushi-place with no vegetarian options. If it’s the rice or the vinegar, then he/she might well be SOL. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/165 "2014-03-17T04:28:59Z")
> [@JuliaSqueezer](#): > > This. Especially if you are expecting them to bring you a birthday gift. 😕 And where does it say that the OP is expected to bring a gift? Who brings a gift to an adult birthday dinner? Birthday gifts are for children, or if you just want to get your friend something. I have never been to an adult’s birthday gathering where gifts were expected. ---
**Author:** ![JuliaSqueezer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/82dd89/32.png) [@JuliaSqueezer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JuliaSqueezer)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/166 "2014-03-17T14:05:37Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > 😕 And where does it say that the OP is expected to bring a gift? Who brings a gift to an adult birthday dinner? Birthday gifts are for children, or if you just want to get your friend something. I have never been to an adult’s birthday gathering where gifts were expected. Sorry, but where I live, gifts (or at least a card) are expected when one is asked to help celebrate a birthday, no matter what age. Granted, for an adult it’s usually something smallish like a gift card to a coffee place or a candle. Haven’t you ever seen people heading into restaurants all carrying twee little gift bags with tissue sticking out of the top? Those are usually birthday gifts. :o ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/167 "2014-03-17T14:13:10Z")
Inconsiderate only if the Birthday Girl _knows_ a number of the invitees hate sushi (and she must suspect if she includes the caveat: “eat before if you dont like it”). I would think the purpose of a party thrown by me is to invite my friends to share an enjoyable experience with me, not endure it for my sake. What fun is that? Selfish. I would RSVP that Im sorry, but Im allergic and wont be attending. Except that I do love sushi! I know some of my friends hate it tho so Id never subject them to a party there. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/168 "2014-03-17T14:51:25Z")
> [@JuliaSqueezer](#): > > Sorry, but where I live, gifts (or at least a card) are expected when one is asked to help celebrate a birthday, no matter what age. Well…there’s expected, and then there’s _expected_, iyswim. Around here, people expect birthday presents in the sense that we’re not all “OMG, WHAT IS GOING ON???” when we get a handful of cards and small gifts. But only children and incredibly immature young adults _expect_ birthday tributes in the sense that they’re going to be hurt and disappointed by people who don’t give them something. I agree that it’s really shitty to shrug your shoulders and say “Eh, eat before you come” if you’re _expecting_ gifts. But if you only expect that some people will bring something because that’s just how they roll, if the only thing you actually want from anyone is their presence and interaction, and the only barrier to you having that is that someone flatly refuses to even consider trying to find something they might like to eat…in that case, suggesting someone eat beforehand and join the party anyway seems like the least crappy option available. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/169 "2014-03-17T15:26:00Z")
> [@JuliaSqueezer](#): > > Sorry, but where I live, gifts (or at least a card) are expected when one is asked to help celebrate a birthday, no matter what age. I think that all depends on where you live and the crowd you hang out with. With my friends, wherever I’ve lived, a card is nice and a gift is certainly not expected. I can’t actually remember the last time I got a bona fide birthday gift from a non-family member/non-girlfriend other than somebody buying me a drink. It’s possible a friend or two bought me a bottle of scotch or bourbon, but I can’t remember. And birthday cards are pretty rare for me to get, with the exception of a few female friends. (I actually can’t remember any guy ever giving me a birthday card, nor I to him.) ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/170 "2014-03-17T15:30:50Z")
Without knowing specifically what was on the invite, I don’t think we can safely judge the “eat before you come” disclaimer. "Your company is welcome even if you don’t prefer sushi, so feel free to eat dinner beforehand and join us later!’ wouldn’t rub me the wrong way at all. It’s letting people know that dining at the restaurant is not expected for attendance. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/171 "2014-03-17T15:36:48Z")
I hadn’t even considered a gift. My family will sometimes give me a gift, but I’d be surprised and a little awkward if a friend gave me one–I’d be wondering if they’d expected one at their birthday. The possibility of having a meal paid for by friends is a little more plausible to me. And here it gets a little less clear to me: if the birthday girl is implicitly asking people to pay for her meal, that’s gauche no matter what, but extra-gauche if she’s asking people to do it even though they won’t eat at the restaurant. FWIW, while I think the OP’s unwillingness to try sushi is a bit precious and eyerolly, I don’t think it has a lot to do with the etiquette of the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/172 "2014-03-17T15:36:59Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > As others have said - it’s her birthday, she’s allowed to be a bit self-indulgent. The only real issue is how you feel about the person. If this is a co-worker or acquaintance, pass. If it’s a person very close to someone close to you, best friend’s sibling, in-law’s spouse, etc - tough it out. > > If it’s a good friend of yours - you go and make the best of it. Good friends are scarce, and as Isaac Jaffe once said: “You make a gesture, celebrate an important date, show how you feel. For what you get in return, it’s a small price to pay. For a lifetime of friendship, it’s a steal.” For the record, a friend of mine loves sushi, and she smiles every single time she remembers the expression on my face the first time I had some 22 years ago - that _alone_ is worth it. This. It’s about how you feel about the person and nothing else, including her rude other friends. If she’s worth it, go and be a friend. Otherwise, don’t. I have driven a hundred miles to stand in a crowded room with a bunch of strangers and pretend mightily I am not tense, bored, and unhappy, because my friend was worth it to me. But she is special. Not everyone is as special as her. Also? I’ve tried sushi, and although there are, in the US anyway, typically some choices that are edible for people who don’t like sushi at all, they are limited. Sushi bars are one of the very few types of restaurants I’ve eaten at where a large proportion of the menu will make me really and truly heave. Which puts a damper on the whole eating experience, frankly. Sorry, sushi lovers. Personally I would have preferred to be like the OP and known I didn’t want to try it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/173 "2014-03-17T15:58:01Z")
> [@Tellus](#): > > but doesn’t this seem just a little inconsiderate of the people who are invited? Shouldn’t she pick a place that has something for everyone? So, every social occasion will end up at the same handful of restaurants? And some people in the group will never get to choose their favorite for an occasion? > [@Ulfreida](#): > > Sushi bars are one of the very few types of restaurants I’ve eaten at where a large proportion of the menu will make me really and truly heave. Which puts a damper on the whole eating experience, frankly. Sorry, sushi lovers. Personally I would have preferred to be like the OP and known I didn’t want to try it. This is something I don’t get: Why does having to have a meal you don’t like affect you so severely? We live in a big world with all kinds of people and lots of things happen. That means that on many occasions, you’ll have to eat something you don’t like. Get over it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/174 "2014-03-17T20:45:23Z")
Uh, I’d say throwing up would make me not like something. But that’s just me – maybe you like vomiting. I don’t. (Granted, I’ve never tried sushi, but now I really want to after reading this thread. Go figure) ---
**Author:** ![wheresmymind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@wheresmymind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wheresmymind)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/175 "2014-03-17T20:56:11Z")
Does anyone else think it’s kind of tacky to throw oneself a birthday party? I can understand an impromptu get-together, of the “Hey guys, anyone want to go to XYZ on Friday for my birthday?” variety but something for which actual invitations were sent out seems narcissistic to me. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/176 "2014-03-17T21:22:34Z")
> [@wheresmymind](#): > > Does anyone else think it’s kind of tacky to throw oneself a birthday party? I can understand an impromptu get-together, of the “Hey guys, anyone want to go to XYZ on Friday for my birthday?” variety but something for which actual invitations were sent out seems narcissistic to me. OK, since reading the OP is apparently difficult for some people, show me where she says that the birthday girl mailed out actual invitations as opposed to an email, Facebook message, etc. Because I don’t see how you can invite people to “an impromptu get-together, of the “Hey guys, anyone want to go to XYZ on Friday for my birthday?” variety” without, you know, somehow \*inviting \*them. It’s like the people here have never gone out to birthday dinners with friends before. ---
**Author:** ![Melchior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Melchior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melchior)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/177 "2014-03-17T21:26:15Z")
I say inconsiderate, because it’s not Italian. Anyone who would prefer sushi to Italian could not be my friend. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/178 "2014-03-17T22:26:46Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I didn’t say “don’t invite them.” I just think it’s rude to tell those people that they are welcome to eat at home and come anyways. Of course they are welcome to do that. What she’s actually saying is “_I want_ you to eat at home and come anyways, even though there will be nothing to accommodate you.” > > It honestly comes off a present grab to me. That is, of course, if the OP didn’t put his own spin on what the invitation actually said. There is nothing in the OP or in any of the now vanished OP’s subsequent posts that says gifts are expected. I’m not sure where you’re getting “present grab” from. (Seriously, do you talk like this in real life?) Also, I really doubt the invitation said “If you dislike Sushi I invite you to eat at home and come.” You know, because no one speaks or writes like that. Probably the birthday girl said something like “Hey, we’re having a sushi party for my B-day. I know you don’t like sushi but I’d love to see you if you can make it.” I hope it is not too presumptuous of me to gainsay **BigT** , world’s foremost authority on manners and morals. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/179 "2014-03-17T22:33:55Z")
It’s better for me to question whether I’m being rude than to wonder whether someone else is. What does one do with a “yes” answer to the latter? Use that as an excuse to be rude back? Use it as an excuse to skip having a fun time with friends? What’s the point of this kind of judgment? IMHO, at best it’s a waste of time and at worst it’s making excuses to be rude in return. The invitation is clear. To imitate Yoda: “Go, or do not go.” I agree with the majority who are unimpressed by the OP’s attitude about sushi, which is best described as willful ignorance. If you’re bothered by the idea of raw fish, well, that’s unfortunate too (since it’s not fishy and it’s great) but I understand it. I remember feeling the same way myself. The first time I tried sushi, I stuck to just one piece, and I admit I had trouble eating my food rather than my concepts. A little more the second time, and by the third, I was a total convert. But sushi is not limited to raw fish, or even to fish, as pointed out many times above. If you can’t abide the rice, that limits things further, but I’ve never been to a sushi restaurant or sushi bar that didn’t have considerably more than just sushi (certainly never one that didn’t have sashimi, and most also have tempura.) If you like rice and aren’t super sensitive to a hint of vinegar, then try some maki rolls, like a California roll (if you like crab) or futomaki (if you like scrambled egg) or any one of a number of others. The simple cucumber roll is delicious. There are so many different kinds of rolls, just tell them what you like and see what they say. There are dozens of “standards” and every place has a number of house specialties. (Maki rolls are whatever ingredients plus rice wrapped in “nori” which is a sweet crusty green wrapping. Sometimes the rice is on the outside rather than the inside, and in this case it’s often rolled in sesame seeds. Do you like horseradish? Wasabi is the best horseradish! Do you like soy sauce? It’s good on many of the things served at a sushi bar. Plus things like miso soup, the cucumber salad (very vinegar flavored, and yummy), and other things mentioned above. Finally, a big part of good sushi is visual presentation, so be prepared for really lovely dishes, tastefully presented. It’s a treat, even if the idea of raw fish makes you want to hurl. (This impulse isn’t based on reality, just a preconception, btw – just a hangup. But some of us cling to our hangups. I cling to my hangup of being straight, and I’m OK with that. So I shouldn’t throw stones when other cling to theirs.) > [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](#): > > Well, I’m taking the OP at his/her word that the restaurant “doesn’t really have any non-sushi selections.” Those of you who are suggesting otherwise may well be right–but that’s not what the OP is telling us. If there are indeed non-sushi selections then that’s a different story. The point is that sushi isn’t just raw fish, and even a place that serves “only sushi” serves more than just sushi, oddly enough. What they mean by that is they don’t serve steaks, hamburgers, stir-fry, or pizza, or whatever, but only the kind of food you expect to see in a sushi restaurant, which usually (but not always) includes tempura. > [@Motorgirl](#): > > Perhaps the restaurant has an online menu dopers could look at in order to suggest things that a non-sushi eater might like? Great idea. > [@Kolga](#): > > Birthday girl says “hey, guys, I want sushi for my birthday, we’re going to meet at X and Y time!” > > Invitee says “I don’t like sushi.” > > Birthday girl says “maybe you can eat earlier and meet us there later!” > > Not inconsiderate. Her birthday, she gets to choose, nobody has to do anything they don’t want to do. Yup, that’s how I look at it. > [@Becky2844](#): > > So the consensus is that if you don’t eat sushi you’re not sophisticated and are probably lacking in other ways as well? How is that being open-minded? or even logical? The consensus is, if you make up your mind about a class of food without knowing the first thing about it, well, … you’re making up your mind about something without knowing the first thing about it. We’re here to fight ignorance, and I do believe that the enemy is in sight. > [@even\_sven](#): > > If you “hate” sushi without ever having tried it, yeah, that pretty odd. Not just tried it, but even asked anyone a thing about it. Like, “What IS sushi?” But, it’s not odd. It’s unfortunately rather common. It’s a simple case of willful ignorance: being ignorant on purpose. It’s OK. I’ve been guilty of that too. But I try to get over it once someone points out that I’m clinging desperately to my ignorance. I hope the OP can too, despite my critical tone here. (Sorry! I should know better!) ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397/180 "2014-03-17T23:14:01Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Uh, I’d say throwing up would make me not like something. But that’s just me – maybe you like vomiting. I don’t. > > (Granted, I’ve never tried sushi, but now I really want to after reading this thread. Go figure) PM me if you want some suggestions! Or heck, start a thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/inconsiderate-or-acceptable/683397.md?page=10)