# INforming MOther's friend of her death **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 17, 2006, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695 "2006-03-17T03:27:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/1 "2006-03-17T03:27:40Z")
Mother died in September; she received a birthday card from her home town in another state today. That means it’s probably someone she’s known since childhood. Someone we didn’t know about to notify. So, I must write to her or find directory assistance for a PO box in Tennesse and call. Any ideas what to write? Those folks I called I opened the conversation with, “I have some bad news about Mother. Please be prepared for some very bad news.” Any suggestions? Thanks ---
**Author:** ![MissMossie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@MissMossie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMossie)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/2 "2006-03-17T03:41:08Z")
My grandmother passed away last June. In January, while staying at my dad’s house over winter break, I recieved a phone call from a complete stranger (stranger to me, at least) wanting to know “why her Christmas card to Grace was returned”. I explained what happened and how my grandmother passed on. I made sure to apologize for nobody contacting her. She shared how she knew my grandmother and a few stories about her. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but she understood that people aren’t always in their right minds when they’re planning a funeral. Sometimes, not everyone is notified. I would try to find a phone number and call her. Let her know that you’re sorry she wasn’t informed. Most likely, she’ll understand. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/3 "2006-03-17T04:02:39Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Those folks I called I opened the conversation with, “I have some bad news about Mother. Please be prepared for some very bad news.” Honestly, that opening would make it worse for me. Just tell me. I’d write to the lady. Something like “I’m sorry to have to tell you that Mother passed away in September.” Add a little bit about the circumstances (if appropriate), and give your number if she wants to call. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/4 "2006-03-17T14:58:59Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > I’d write to the lady. Something like “I’m sorry to have to tell you that Mother passed away in September.” Add a little bit about the circumstances (if appropriate), and give your number if she wants to call. Exactly. I had sent an Xmas card to an old friend and a member of her community sent me a card back (she was nun) with the memorial card from her service. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/5 "2006-03-17T15:40:23Z")
Something to the effect of, “We recently received your birthday card for mother and were touched by the gesture. Mother passed away in September, and the loss has been great for all of us. We apologize for not knowing to inform you. Mother had many friends such as you, who now share with us in the grief of her passing.” I think sending the memorial card along with the note is a great idea. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/6 "2006-03-17T16:19:32Z")
My dad had to do a lot of this with friends of my mom’s (from high school or college…a long time ago). He has a real knack for the written word and wrote lovely letters to them. But it sucks any way you slice it. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/7 "2006-03-17T16:20:49Z")
> [@yellowval](#): > > Something to the effect of, “We recently received your birthday card for mother and were touched by the gesture. Mother passed away in September, and the loss has been great for all of us. We apologize for not knowing to inform you. Mother had many friends such as you, who now share with us in the grief of her passing.” > > I think sending the memorial card along with the note is a great idea. We received a memorial card…and no note…when a friend of the family recently passed away. It was weird to not get a personal note, but this guy is a man of few words, so it was understandable. ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2006, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/8 "2006-03-17T20:54:15Z")
keep it positive. They may be more embarrassed than you are. How about answering with something like this: “when Mother passed away, we of course notified many people–but obviously she had more friends than we realized. We may not know you personally, but obviously Mother did, and it makes us feel good to know that her memory still lives on with you.” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2006, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/informing-mothers-friend-of-her-death/348695/9 "2006-03-31T00:47:35Z")
I used a combination of Frank and Chappachula. Got a nice card and note from her today. They were indeed childhood friends. She was hoping she hadn’t heard from Mother because Mother was under care somewhere. Thanks, all.