My sister in law accused her uncle of molesting her when she was a small child, based on some “recovered memories”. My MIL says she never left SIL alone with the uncle during the relevant age range. My MIL was sexually assaulted (once) by her brother, the uncle, when she was a child. She told her mother and her mother put them in separate bedrooms and it never happened again. My MIL is a very credible witness, IMHO, when she claims she never left SIL with the uncle.
BUT, that uncle was sexually creepy. I never left him alone with my daughter (or me, for that matter) before i heard this accusation. I did not generally avoid leaving my daughter with men, just with him. And SIL spent a lot of time with him as an adolescent, which is NOT when she claims the abuse happened.
So…I don’t think he did exactly what she accused him of. But i also think that he did damage her sexually, in some way, quite possibly without ever laying hands on her. And i also think she believes the accusations she made.
Memory is unreliable and family relationships are complex. I think it’s more important whether the OP thinks sib2 was injured by their father then whether the allegations were precisely true.
How much money are we talking about? Cynical though it may be, I think that impacts my answer.
If it’s a huge inheritance, I think I’d be more inclined to give the disinherited sibling something, if not a full third. That presumes, though, that we already have a cordial relationship.
If it’s just a token amount, I don’t think I’d share. It’s what dad decided, and it’s not on me to cut into my pittance just to soothe feelings. Again, though, my closeness to my sibling would likely impact that decision (if we talk everyday, and feelings about our parents are routinely discussed, then I think I’m likely going to be splitting my share).
Whereas i would certainly share the pittance. If it were a lot of money, I’d have to consider how much difference that money would make to me, to sib2, and to my kids.
I believe you already know the answer to your question. You just need to do what right. I have 5 siblings. The inheritance was equally distributed. My two sisters took care of my mom for the past 20 years greatly impacting their lives. I gave 1/2 of mine back to the two sisters and the other brothers followed suit and did the same. We all felt good about it afterward.
Thanks again for assuaging my curiosity. IME it is FAR more common for people to pontificate as to what should or shouldn’t be done, than to actually “cut a check”!
I don’t think this type of accusation comes out of nowhere or is done capriciously. Either there is some factual basis to it or else the person has some sort of emotional issue that manifests itself in this way. Even if it’s false, there is some mental issue or something which is contributing to her making this accusation. If the family isn’t great with touchy-feely emotional issues, they may have exacerbated or contributed to her mental problems. She is likely suffering one way or another. I don’t fault the father for fighting the accusation or disinheriting her since he has to protect his reputation and likely greatly resents the accusation. But I would imagine that this sibling has ongoing emotional and mental issues, and along with that the associated financial difficulties that comes from this sort of instability. Sharing the inheritance is a way of relieving her mental burden. It’s not a reward for making the accusation. Rather, it’s a way of helping her through her mental, emotional, and financial issues. Obviously I’m reading a lot into the situation, but I’m basing my answer on my experience with a close friend who has some parallels to the sibling.
I was addressing the specific hypothetical that the accusation is false (since none of us except OP have any knowledge of this specific situation). I agree of course that a false accusation pretty much by definition indicates that the sibling has major emotional issues. But if her premise for wanting the money is a false accusation, I’m really not convinced that enabling her by just giving her what she wants is a productive way to help her through her emotional problems. Not to mention the father’s reputation - it signals to the world at large that OP believes his father to have been an abuser. I think there are better ways to help an emotionally disturbed sibiling, which might include deferred financial help but not in a manner that implicitly concedes the truth of a false accusation.
If the accusation is true, then of course the ethical and loving thing to do as a sibling is to give her a fair share. But to me the correct course of action hinges entirely on what OP believes really happened.
Yes, if it is to provide some measure of compensation for a wrong done. If the OP’s sibling was indeed sexually abused or otherwise abused or exploited, I would say that her entitlement to the portion of the inheritance from which she was disinherited is a no-brainer.
If I and my sibling got $1,000 each, and the third sibling was complaining about not getting anything, I might shrug my shoulders and go “you had to figure this might happen when you sued dad. It’s a shame you two were never able to make peace.”
But if I got $100,000, I might call up the disinherited sibling and go “look, let me pay off your car loan and your credit card balance” or pass them $10,000 for a really nice vacation. That presumes, of course, that we were already on good speaking terms.
What you do now affects your relationship with your sibling. It’s now your money and your decision about that future, whether or not that person was disinherited and without reference to the legitimacy of the accusation.
Her getting an equal share would not be the abuser compensating her for the wrongs and harms done. She doesn’t deserve cash. Neither does she deserve to be punished by her abuser from the grave by spiteful petty disowning.
None of the sibs deserve anything of the estate. If dad gave it all to the dog or to charity that would be fine. It is only theirs after it is given. But cutting her off was intended to punish her and unless the other sibs believe she deserves punishment making it right by sharing would be just.
Relationship extant, threatened, amounts, all immaterial. IMHO.
And if I had been the abused sib that would insult me enough that we might be not on speaking terms going forward for a bit. Not interested in charity; interested in rectifying the unfairness.
I should preface this by stating that I have no siblings, so this is all entirely hypothetical in my mind. But I wouldn’t feel compelled to rectify the unfairness that was brought about due to a specific fight/issue between dad and sibling.
Whatever unfairness exists is there because of the specifics of their relationship, and I didn’t cause that. So, I don’t owe any obligation to that sibling, and if my generosity was going to be construed as an insult then I wouldn’t feel bad if I ultimately didn’t share.
Fwiw, I’m assuming the father did something to provoke the sibling to make that accusation. And i don’t really care if it can be proved in court, or even if the precise accusation is exactly accurate. In any of these situations, i would give the sibling “her share” so that dad didn’t continue to hurt her from the grave. (Unless the financial harm from doing so was substantial to me and my kids, and the financial benefit to her was slight. Then we’d have a conversation.)
Now, if the sibling is just totally divorced from reality in a toxic way, maybe i don’t want anything to do with them. I dunno. But I don’t think the op would even be asking if that were the case.
Frankly it’s weird for OP to ask other people’s opinion about the situation without saying anything about the father and sibling’s character, and whether he thinks the accusations are true (or if not what motivated them). What is any opinion worth without that information?
And no doubt my answers are colored by the situation in my family. Where I believe the accusation to be both false and valid.
But anyway, it’s about the future, not about the past. Because dad and stepmom are dead, and will neither know nor care what happens. But OP and sib2 are alive, and care, and may have an ongoing future relationship, which will be influenced by the choices the OP and sib 1 make.
