# Innappropriate songs for toddlers... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 23, 2005, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516 "2005-06-23T11:51:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/21 "2005-06-23T17:47:38Z")
Your kids are all gonna grow up so warped… I’m not afraid for the future now. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![swanky\_glue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@swanky\_glue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swanky_glue)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/22 "2005-06-23T17:55:21Z")
I have discovered a little ditty that I will be sharing with my sons, if I ever have them. It’s from the Vicar of Dibley, which is one of my favorite Britcoms. This songlet is very short, but it’s cute, and I sing it to Mr. Swanky every time we have a thunder storm. Sung by Hugo Horton: When it’s dark and stormy And your feeling a little sick Cuddle up nice and warmy And play with your little dick ---
**Author:** ![swanky\_glue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@swanky\_glue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swanky_glue)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/23 "2005-06-23T17:57:34Z")
although, I should add that in no way does this song accurately describe his man part, as it is quite large. /end hijack ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/24 "2005-06-23T18:18:58Z")
I think the song **Ashes, Ashes** mentioned is the reason I insist that I _will_ be cremated when I die. I remember singing that with my sisters. Speaking of sisters and inappropriate songs for toddlers, one of my sisters (she was 16 at the time) taught me the words to AC/DC’s “Big Balls” when I was 2. Not really a song, from what I remember, but my grandpa, who I’m named after, taught me a naughty little rhyme when I was little: The monkey & the baboon playin’ in the grass The monkey stuck his finger up the baboon’s ass The baboon said, “Well, bless my soul! Get your dirty finger out of my asshole!” ---
**Author:** ![MsPrufrock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@MsPrufrock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsPrufrock)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/25 "2005-06-23T18:22:11Z")
**Beadalin** , I didn’t know anyone else knew “O, Tom the Toad”! I learned it in Girl Scouts actually - w/ slightly different lyrics. Great song! 🙂 And _gasp_ **Ashes, Ashes** - the Hearse song is my FAVORITE! I learned it when I was three or four (I think a babysitter taught me) and my friends and I would constantly sing it! It is printed in full in one of Alvin Schwartz’ Scary Stories books. I can’t remember which one (_Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to tell in the Dark and Scary Stories III: Stories to Chill Your Bones_). I read those books until the covers fell off - talk about a warped childhood. 😃 Schwartz has a pretty decent bibliography at the back and he discusses how songs resembling The Hearse Song have been around for ages as a way of dealing with death by making light of it. He cites a few songs from soldiers during WWII and also some bits of poetry from around Beowulf’s time. Anyway - to the OP - I don’t have children but if I ever do you can bet I’ll be singing them goofy disturbing songs! ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/26 "2005-06-23T18:50:56Z")
I learned in (I think) Girl Scout camp: My father shot a kangaroo He gave to me the greasy part to chew Wasn’t that a terrible thing to do To give me to chew the greasy part of a dead kangaroo > [@](#): > > Anyway - to the OP - I don’t have children but if I ever do you can bet I’ll be singing them goofy disturbing songs! Kids _love_ gross songs, or at least every kid I have ever known does. I will certainly be singing gross and otherwise “inappropriate” songs to my kids when I have them. Hey, they’ll be my kids- they’ll be genetically warped already. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/27 "2005-06-23T19:09:43Z")
Ginny jump! Larry gots a gun! Jerry has a Razorr! Mary’s dead! Shot in the head! Timmy’s got his 10-10 furlough! ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/28 "2005-06-23T19:36:33Z")
My daughter used to sing a very short lullaby to her little brother: Go to sleep little creep before I drop you. My personal favorite was from Garrison Keillor: Cat, you better come on home Cat, you better come on home There’s dogs in the dark waiting to attack cat hawks looking for a late night snack cat, oh, cat you better come on home. We sang that one a lot. When we got to Cub Scout /Brownie ages, we picked up a lot of new, gross songs like “Ghost Chickens in the Sky.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/29 "2005-06-23T19:46:58Z")
Well, this is for older kids, but that still makes it inappropriate for a toddler: Goin’ down the highway doing ninety miles an hour when the chain on my bicycle broke landed in the ditch with a peddle up my ass and my dink playing “Dixie” with the spokes ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/30 "2005-06-23T20:00:27Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Mom likes to tell people how embarrassed she was going out in public with this little kid merrily singing a drinking song at the top of her lungs. When WhyKid was about 3 or 4, I was in a college production of _Jesus Christ Superstar_. He loved to come to rehearsals and watch from the house. Imagine my delight when he started singing along. Even better, when he started to sing the songs in the grocery store, at the top of his little lungs. I’m not sure which one was the worst. It was possibly: “Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify crucify crucify crucify! Crucify him!” or, sung in the loudest most demonic voice he could manage to mimic the basso he wasn’t, “This Jesus must, Jesus must, Jesus must DIE!!!” :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/31 "2005-06-23T20:24:52Z")
Phish’s lovely carnival-tainted song [Esther](http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Phish/Esther.html) is a cute song with a catchy tune that varies from 3/4 to 4/4 and back. The lyrics are linked above, but I won’t reproduce them here – just a quick synopsis of this very dark song! It’s about a girl (Esther) who is given a doll by a creepy man at a carnival; when she shows it to the congregation of her church, they try to kill her for it. A storm brews outside, blows up her skirt, and she begins to fly, holding fast to her doll. She lands safely in the bad part of town, hides from evil men until the sun comes up, and just as she’s walking to safety along the lake shore, a mob of angry joggers show up. She is forced to swim for it! The lake is cold, and she starts to struggle, so she strips off her clothes. Just when she thinks she’s saved herself, the poppet she let go with her clothes swims up, grabs onto her toe, and drags them both to the bottom. :eek: Gave me nightmares in high school. ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/32 "2005-06-23T23:33:22Z")
Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That’s right! It’s the Happy Happy Joy Joy song! Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! I don’t think you’re happy enough! That’s right! I’ll teach you to be happy! I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let’s try it again! Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! If’n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature… They don’t know that they’re ugly! That’s very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I’d shoot! But you didn’t believe me! Why didn’t you believe me?! Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/33 "2005-06-23T23:41:51Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > Guns N’ Roses [“Get in the Ring”](http://songlyrics.com/song-lyrics/Guns_N_Roses/Use_Your_Illusion_II/Get_In_The_Ring/126288.html) > > Metallica’s [“Last Caress/So What”](http://songlyrics.com/song-lyrics/Metallica/Miscellaneous/Last_Caress_-_So_What_%28Live%29/162380.html) > > 😉 You mean by the Misfits and Anti-Nowhere League. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/34 "2005-06-24T01:22:52Z")
> [@Hung Mung](#): > > Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That’s right! It’s the Happy Happy Joy Joy song! > > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! > > I don’t think you’re happy enough! That’s right! I’ll teach you to be happy! I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let’s try it again! > > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! > > If’n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature… They don’t know that they’re ugly! That’s very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I’d shoot! But you didn’t believe me! Why didn’t you believe me?! > > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy > Happy Happy Happy Happy > Happy Happy Happy Happy > Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! It’s so sweet to remember Ren smashing himself in the head with a hammer in time to the beat, just to get the Happy Helmet™ off! ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/35 "2005-06-24T02:21:07Z")
> [@swanky\_glue](#): > > Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts > Mutilated monkey meat > Chopped up birdie feet > Great big eyeballs rollin’ in the frying pan > And you forgot your spoon? According to a Beatles radio show I heard, the line, “Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye” is from the kids gross-out song. Supposedly John Lennon heard that teachers at his old hated school were using Beatle lyrics as material in English class and decided, “Let them figure out THAT.” ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/36 "2005-06-27T17:39:15Z")
well, I don’t know the tune, but these alternate words might suit her … \Once I had a kitty cat And all she ate was yarn And when her little kittens came, they came with sweaters on! Once I had a puppy dog And all she ate were cans And when her little puppies came They came in Ford Sedans! \ You could outright ban her from signing them, or just admonish it to singing it only to appropriate audiences, like you or other close caregivers, that there are times, places and people it’s not appropriate to sing it. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/37 "2005-06-27T18:02:07Z")
> [@swanky\_glue](#): > > I have discovered a little ditty that I will be sharing with my sons, if I ever have them. It’s from the Vicar of Dibley, which is one of my favorite Britcoms. > > This songlet is very short, but it’s cute, and I sing it to Mr. Swanky every time we have a thunder storm. > > Sung by Hugo Horton: > > When it’s dark and stormy > And your feeling a little sick > Cuddle up nice and warmy > And play with your little dick Do not, I repeat, do not sing this song to any boy child. He’ll only end learning how to masturbate when he’s older! :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/38 "2005-06-27T20:56:32Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > When I was a kid (around 5 or 6), I had an old record of children’s songs that, for some reason, included “What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor.” Hell, My mom _taught_ us that one. Also taught us “Do Your Ears Hang Low.” Others from childhood: \*Suffocation, jolly Suffocation! Suffocation, the game we like to play! First you take a rubber hose… …Then you stick it up your nose! Turn it on, then you’re gone! Oooooh! Suffocation, jolly Suffocation! Suffocation, the game we like to play! Next you get a plastic bag… …Then you put it on your head! Go to bed, wake up dead! Oooooh! Suffocation, jolly Suffocation! Suffocation, the game we like to play!\* You get the idea. Add verses, as your twisted imagination allows. Then, there were the various modifications to the Battle Hymn Of the Republic (which is plenty blood-thristy in its own right!), or the Marine Corps Hym. Some sample verses: _Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school… We have slaughtered every teacher and broken every rule… Now we’re marching to the office to hang the principal! Our troops are marching on!_ Or… _From the halls {insert school name here} to the shores of Tripoli… We have fought our teacher’s paddles with spitwads, gum, and clay! We fight for longer recesses and to keep our desks a mess (A MESS!) We are proud to claim the title of Our Teachers Favorite Pests!_ Or… _Glory, glory, hallelujah! Teacher hit me with a ruler! I met her in the attic with a loaded automatic And she ain’t my teacher no more!_ We used to get an entire school bus of kids singing these, all of us at the top of our lungs, on the way to school. Back then, we were just kids having fun. Today, if kids sang that stuff, they’d probably cause a terrorist alert. ---
**Author:** ![singlefile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f475e1/32.png) [@singlefile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/singlefile)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/39 "2005-06-27T22:38:24Z")
My daughter’s favorite is Granny’s in the cellar lordy, don’t you smell her cookin bisquits on that durned old dirty stove In her eye there is a matter that keeps drippin in the batter and she whistles while the (loud snot sucking sound) runs down her nose This is a little off subject, but if you wanna read your kids a nice twisted book, get ‘The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig’ by Eugene Trivizas and Helen Oxenbury. “the pig wasn’t called big and bad for nothing. He brought some dynamite, laid it against the house, lit the fuse, and …the little wolves just managed to escape with their fluffy tails scorched” The illustrations are priceless, especially the pig on top of the concrete house with a jackhammer. This may be out of print, though, cause I’ve had it for a lot of years. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516/40 "2005-06-27T23:45:25Z")
> [@singlefile](#): > > ‘The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig’ by Eugene Trivizas and Helen Oxenbury… This may be out of print, though, cause I’ve had it for a lot of years. [No, Amazon has it](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0689505698/qid=1119916705/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-9121427-0985740?v=glance&s=books). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/innappropriate-songs-for-toddlers/309516.md?page=3)