I realized, just as the items slid towards the cashier of the local hardware place on the rubber checkout belt, that my shopping list of garbage bags, duct tape, and an axe, probably looked odd.
I had a camping trip planned for the day after and these were the last items I needed. Great axe.
Ha ha! Kinda makes you want to go through the check out line on Halloween with nothing but a bag of apples and a box of razor blades…or maybe a bag of apples, a syringe, and bottle of rat poison.
One time in high school I was in class goofing around chatting with my friend and I don’t recall exactly what I was doing but it looked like I was making fun of this guy in class that had a deformed hand. Basically he was missing most of his fingers. But anyway I was going on for quite a while being goofy with my friend before I realized the whole class was pissed at me thinking I was really making fun of this guy. When class ended about half the class surrounded me and they wanted to fight me. Luckily I had known that guy for several years and we were on good terms and he basically diffused the situation. He could tell I sincerely wasn’t doing something like that.
This happened to my sister.
She had many fun, slightly odd things she liked to do with her daughter (my niece). One of them was to say in her cheesiest French accent “Zees ees how zay kiss in France. First on ze right sheek, then, on the left sheek.” My niece enjoyed this quite a bit. One day, at a crowded store she yelled out
“Mommy! I want a French kiss!”
My sister realized how this looked and froze. So my niece added
“Like you always give me!”
ETA I speak of my sister and niece in the past tense only because my niece is a teenager now. Her cute thing now is giving one word answers and being embarrassed by us.
I was at a flea market with some friends and their children. Their oldest boy, who was around five at the time, wanted to stop and look at some toys in one booth. So my friends walked on ahead while I stayed with the boy.
It took several minutes before he was willing to leave so I knew my friends had gotten some distance ahead. And the flea market was crowded. The boy was intimidated by the crowd and I knew we would make very slow progress with him walking. So I picked him up and put him on my shoulder and we were making better time.
Then he decided to be helpful. So as I was walking along carrying this young boy, he began yelling “Daddy! Daddy! Where are you?” at the top of his lungs.
One of our dogs hates to be sprayed with water, and he’s learned the word “bottle” and to settle down before the bottle comes out.
One year, we bought a Super-Soaker so we could get him across the yard and not have to chase him around the yard with the bottle. The people next door were selling their house, and had some lookie-loos in the backyard. I heard Cody start going off, and ran out yelling, “Pipe down, or I’ll have to get the gun!”
They didn’t buy the house.
Oh, this just happened a couple of weeks ago:
I’d offered to cross-stitch our HS mascot as a door prize for our reunion coming up (this charming fella: http://www.usd443.org/logos/199-logo.png), and made a list of what I was going to need.
I didn’t really realize how bonkers it looked/sounded til I was down the needlework aisle muttering to myself from the notepad that has my name printed across the top of every page:
Demon Project
Needles
666 (the brightest, screamingest red; whoever gave the flosses their color codes as a sense of humor)
We had a corgi mix who made insane high-pitched grunting noises when he got riled up. One day we were in the exam room at the vet’s and we could hear people in the waiting room speculating. “Do you think they have a bird in there?” “No way, man, that has to be a monkey!” One of his nicknames became Monkeybutt. We embarrassed ourselves using it at what would turn out to be inappropriate times.
When I was working at a preschool, one of the kids wanted me to push her on a swing. But what she actually said to me was “Can you get me high?”
In high school, my cousin played volleyball at quite a high level. Volleyball can be a surprisingly tough game on the body. There’s no physical contact of course, but when the other team is attacking, the defenders have very little time to react and often have to resort to diving to save a point. Eventually this caught up with my cousin and she injured an abdominal muscle badly enough that she had to see a doctor about it. So at the doctor’s office my cousin is being seen to by this nurse who’s being all cheerful and chatting with my cousin and her father. Eventually, the nurse has my cousin remove her shirt so the nurse can take a look.
Now, as I’ve mentioned, volleyball can be a tough sport. My cousin had all of these bruises going up and down her sides from hard landings. To her my uncle tell it, the temperature in the room dropped several degrees and the formerly cheerful nurse icily asked my uncle to leave the room.
Obligatory Cyanide & Happiness.
When I was a kid, we had a pet raccoon. One day, she disappeared, and my father went the rounds of the neighborhood looking for her. He stepped up to the front door of one of our neighbors and asks if they’ve seen a “little black coon”, and only then realized that the neighbor was black. My dad was about as flustered as I ever saw him. (Fortunately, they were cool.)
She did come home eventually.
Yesterday, my five year old son was being a little bit of a pill while we were trying to get out the door. I went to place my hand on the side of his face to get his attention as he was moving his head towards me and my cupped hand pressed against his ear with the escaping air making a “crack” sound. My wife turned and I immediately knew that, for a moment, she thought I’d slapped him across the face.
Fortunately, that was just a fleeting “protect my babies” reaction and she rationally knew I wouldn’t have done that. I was able to explain what happened but, boy, there was a half second there…
A few days before she married my stepdad (I was a teenager 14 or so, I think) my mother told me she intended to start a new bank account with her married name… out running errands,we were leaving the bank, for another reason & I asked (loudly) “What name did you give them, Mama?” Right in front of the guard too. If looks could kill I’da been dead. LOL
I’m working as a store cashier. A male customer asks “Is it okay if I reach over here and grab a couple of these double A’s?”
He was talking batteries, but I practically turned purple chocking back my initial response “Those, yes. These, no.”
I’m very flat chested.
I tend to purchase D batteries more often than AA
Obligatory Young Ones:
I wanted to name our new cat Jules, as an homage to the Pulp Fiction character, but decided against it when my wife complained that it was hard for her to pronounce— it comes out sounding more like “Jews,” which I really didn’t want our Jewish neighbors to hear being screamed from the front porch if the cat gets out.
When I was about 20 my dad and I went on a road trip. I didn’t drive at the time so he did all the driving, and he had just worked night shift so he was exhausted and got to the point where he couldn’t drive any longer so we found a cheap motel. We go up to the check in desk and my dad said we needed a room for just a few hours. I was like “Oh my god Dad this doesn’t look good.” He was like “Hmm, what?” <looks at the check-in guy> “THIS IS MY DAUGHTER. We’re on a road trip and I’m too tired to keep driving!!” The check-in clerk didn’t bat an eye.
I have shared this here before: when my son was 2 or so, he was still toddler-pronouncing things, dropping syllables or mashing sounds together. He was also, as is typical, very much into Construction videos and big earth-moving machinery, etc.
We needed work done on something - water heater?? Anyway, the guy showed up in a really big Utility Vehicle - something purpose-built. Parked at the curb and got out - a really big guy, too.
Then my son, who had been in our back yard, comes running out front. He points towards the man and says “Dumb Fuck, Daddy! DUMB FUCK!!!”
The guy looks at my son, then looks at me with a “Hmm, do I have to kick this dad’s ass right now?” look on his face.
I turn to my son and say “why yes, that is a Dump Truck! Good job!” I think look back at the guy, hopefully.
He burst out laughing, as did I, but probably for different reasons.