# Instructions for things that don't need instructions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2004, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200 "2004-09-20T22:41:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![NoPretentiousCodename](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/82dd89/32.png) [@NoPretentiousCodename](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoPretentiousCodename)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/1 "2004-09-20T22:41:23Z")
Okay, the game goes like this: One person posts a set of instructions for something that clearly doesn’t need them. Try to do so without actually stating what the instructions are for. Next person posts the answer to the previous set of instructions and then posts a new set of instructions. Next person does the same… and so on. Example: 1: Locate your hands 2: Reach backward bihind yourself until your hands nearly touch 3: Feal around until you find a meaty, (sometimes) smelly lump divided into two (hopefully) equally sized segments. 4: (optional) Should steps 1-3 fail, consult the appropriate guide from the “For Dummies” series Answer: Finding your own ass. * * * ## All rules are flexable, a little bit, for creative instruction sets or a creative alternate explanation of what the previous instructions are for. Entries of instruction sets that can conceivably be needed by someone are still allowed, as long as people of reasonable intellegence would not need them. The game begins… now: Instructions: 1: Find tree. 2: Chop down. 3: Stand upright on the felled tree trunk. 4. Lose balance. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/2 "2004-09-21T06:10:10Z")
My kind of game. Easy as falling off a log. Let me try: 1. Go to Lake Erie; 2. Take rhythmic, sliding steps, dragging your feet; 3. Continue around the lake until you reach a big city. O.K.? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/3 "2004-09-21T06:16:28Z")
Shuffling off to Buffalo? 1. Think of a thing you know. 2. Find someone who is interested in knowing it. 3. Tell them the opposite. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/4 "2004-09-21T06:17:38Z")
How to fall off a log 1. Increase action potentials from cerebellum 2. Relax external sphincter 3. Contract detrusor muscles ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/5 "2004-09-21T16:59:30Z")
a) **gotpasswords** :Peeing b) **matt\_mcl** :Lying? 1. Procure pedal protection provider; 2. Pack with product of process (a), above; 3. Invert ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/6 "2004-09-21T17:47:11Z")
**Nametag:** Pour piss out of a boot. 1. Determine a sequence of musical notes that will produce endophins in your cerebellum. 2. Purse lips. 3. Blow. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/7 "2004-09-21T18:44:26Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > **Nametag:** > > 1. Determine a sequence of musical notes that will produce endophins in your cerebellum. > 2. Purse lips. > 3. Blow. [spoiler]whistle\*\* 1. Procure chewy resinous substance 2. Unwrap said substance, place in mouth and begin to masticate 3. Put one foot in front of the other down a narrow passageway ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/8 "2004-09-21T18:47:40Z")
:smack: 1. place a word in a set of brackets in an effort to hide an answer 2. place the answer 3. place the word from step one in a set of brackets proceded by a backslash 4. preview you idiot! Answer: how to make a spoiler box, you idiot! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/9 "2004-09-21T18:54:41Z")
Actually, it’s: Whistle a happy tune.😃 ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/10 "2004-09-21T19:08:41Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > 1. Procure chewy resinous substance > 2. Unwrap said substance, place in mouth and begin to masticate > 3. Put one foot in front of the other down a narrow passageway Walk and Chew Gum 1. Locate the area roughly equidistant between wrist and shoulder. Observe bending mechanism. 2. Locate the anatomical area referred to in the OPs example above. Observe oriface thereof. 3. Differentiate between reference 1 and reference 2. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/11 "2004-09-21T19:20:02Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Locate the area roughly equidistant between wrist and shoulder. Observe bending mechanism. > 2. Locate the anatomical area referred to in the OPs example above. Observe oriface thereof. > 3. Differentiate between reference 1 and reference 2. tell your ass from your elbow 1. Accept proffered middle finger 2. Position yourself with anal sphincter directly above said digit 3. Bend knees 4. Using your feet, propel yourself in a circle with the finger as an axis ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/12 "2004-09-21T20:15:28Z")
Go Fuck yourself? or Sit on this and Swivel 1. Move your left propellant anatomical member inwards. 2. Move your left propellant anatomical member outwards. 3. Repeat 1 and 2 twice more 4. Vibrate your left propellant anatomical member in a random fashion. 5. On completion of steps 1 to 4 rotate through 360 degrees. 6. That is the complete essence of all things ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/13 "2004-09-21T20:21:50Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > **Nametag:** > > Pour piss out of a boot. > > 1. Determine a sequence of musical notes that will produce endophins in your cerebellum. > 2. Purse lips. > 3. Blow. Whistle a happy tune. 1. Throroughly distribute the by-product of an aqueous, foaming, cleaning agent throughout of cylindrical, keratinized filaments growing from the epidermis above the cerebellum. 2. Remove the by-product of above solution by inundating with a clear, colorless, odorless and tasteless liquid composed of 2 parts hydrogen and 1 part oxygen. 3. Start again at Step 1, then go to Step 2. Stop at Step 2. Stop, or go back to Step 1. Then 2, then stop, or . . . ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/14 "2004-09-21T20:41:08Z")
**Bippy’s** answer: is a verse from the Hokey Pokey. Please don’t make me redo the whole thing, the song’s stuck in my head now, as it is. **5-4-Fighting** Lather, rinse, repeat 1. Immediately cease all forward movement, kicking, flailing and screaming. 2. Assume a prone position on the floor, as quickly as possible. 3. Revolve horizontally across aforementioned floor until the desired outcome is reached. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2004, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/15 "2004-09-21T20:43:59Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > 1. Move your left propellant anatomical member inwards. > 2. Move your left propellant anatomical member outwards. > 3. Repeat 1 and 2 twice more > 4. Vibrate your left propellant anatomical member in a random fashion. > 5. On completion of steps 1 to 4 rotate through 360 degrees. > 6. That is the complete essence of all things Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around 🙂 I am not creative enough to think of anything right now, but I will be back. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/16 "2004-09-22T02:16:36Z")
> [@Nametag](#): > > b) **matt\_mcl** :Lying? It is as easy as lying. - Hamlet III, ii ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/17 "2004-09-22T02:24:02Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > 1. Immediately cease all forward movement, kicking, flailing and screaming. > 2. Assume a prone position on the floor, as quickly as possible. > 3. Revolve horizontally across aforementioned floor until the desired outcome is reached. Stop, drop and roll 1. Take air in through nasal passage way 2. Let air leave through nasal passage way ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/18 "2004-09-22T02:40:38Z")
…breathe… When approaching an intersection at which it is your intention to make a 90 degree change in direction, use your left hand to depress the small rod that extends from the left side of your steering wheel. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/19 "2004-09-22T02:51:55Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > When approaching an intersection at which it is your intention to make a 90 degree change in direction, use your left hand to depress the small rod that extends from the left side of your steering wheel. Use your turn signal! 1. Lower your buttocks until they contact a designated furniture piece, such as a chair or sofa. 2. Cease allowing words or other noise to exit from your mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2004, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200/20 "2004-09-22T03:00:38Z")
> [@Kat](#): > > 1. Lower your buttocks until they contact a designated furniture piece, such as a chair or sofa. > 2. Cease allowing words or other noise to exit from your mouth. Sit down and shut up! 1. Carefully examine your chair. 2. If it is possible, push yourself backwards. 3. If you do not end up at a 90-degree angle from the ceiling as a result of Step 2, let the laws of motion propel you in the opposite direction. 4. If this occurs, continue for as long as you wish. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/instructions-for-things-that-dont-need-instructions/265200.md?page=2)