# Insult sword fighting! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 7, 2007, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057 "2007-04-07T01:10:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![oft\_wears\_hats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@oft\_wears\_hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oft_wears_hats)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/1 "2007-04-07T01:10:03Z")
I just subscribed, and I haven’t been at the boards for a while, so forgive me if this is the wrong section for this (I do see those “story-one-sentence-at-a-time” threads pop up here, so I believe I have precedent). I recently played parts of Monkey Island 3 again, specifically the insult sword fighting. I particularly liked Guybrush’s erroneous rhyming comebacks that I often used before I learned the proper comeback. I thought it would be neat to start a thread of MI style insults and comebacks. Monkey Island 3 rules (the comeback has to be related to the insult and rhyme), for example: Insult: _You have the sex appeal of a Shar-pei!_ Valid comeback: I look **that** much like your fiancee? Fake comeback: Plan for your future with a 401k. Insult: _You’re the most pathetic pirate I’ve ever seen._ Valid comeback: Once I’ve beaten you, you’ll be cleaning my latrine! Fake comeback: High cholesterol can cause infarctions of the spleen. I don’t know if this will get off the ground, but I wanted to see if it would catch on. Give me a valid comeback, and an insult of your own. Pirate themed insults and cute fake comebacks are encouraged. I recommend this [rhyming dictionary](http://www.rhymezone.com/) rhyming dictionary and perhaps [Wikipedia](http://www.wikipedia.org) as potential aides. As for insults, I’ll get the ball rolling. Insult: _Your stench is worse than any I’ve known._ Have at it! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/2 "2007-04-07T01:32:50Z")
_Insult: Your stench is worse than any I’ve known._ Valid: I guess you haven’t smelled your mom’s cologne? Fake: I seem to have misplaced my cellular phone. Insult: You’re scaly and filthy and your breath smells like fish. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/3 "2007-04-07T01:34:08Z")
_You must cannot smell what your ass has blown_ ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/4 "2007-04-07T01:43:39Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] Insult: You’re scaly and filthy and your breath smells like fish. [/QUOTE] Real: That’s the tripe calling the haggis an unpleasant dish.\* Fake: I only eat kosher! Do you have a knish? (\*It’s hard to come up with a rhyme for this one- the idea is like “the pot calling the kettle black”- that is, well, so are you!) Your sword is as sharp as a Hilton named Paris. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/5 "2007-04-07T01:57:39Z")
[QUOTE=mobo85] Your sword is as sharp as a Hilton named Paris. [/QUOTE] Real: That insult’s dead like her fame, I couldn’t care less. Fake: Too bad your face looks like loch ness. Insult: Your sword is as limp as day old pickle. ---
**Author:** ![Sofaspud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8491ac/32.png) [@Sofaspud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofaspud)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/6 "2007-04-07T02:24:51Z")
[QUOTE=Acid Lamp] Real: That insult’s dead like her fame, I couldn’t care less. Fake: Too bad your face looks like loch ness. Insult: Your sword is as limp as day old pickle. [/QUOTE] Real: Your taunt, good sir, does naught more than tickle. Fake: You are as ugly as you are fickle. Insult: You pustulent worm! You’re not worth a clipped coin. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/7 "2007-04-07T02:33:37Z")
[QUOTE=Sofaspud] Insult: You pustulent worm! You’re not worth a clipped coin. [/QUOTE] Real: Better a worm, than the vermin that live in **your** groin. fake: Your face looks like a week old sirloin. insult: Sirrah! Your are a collection of gluitnous vomit! ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/8 "2007-04-07T02:35:32Z")
Gremlins have affected my spelling. Insult: Sirrah! You are a collection of glutinous vomit! ---
**Author:** ![oft\_wears\_hats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@oft\_wears\_hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oft_wears_hats)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/9 "2007-04-07T03:07:56Z")
[QUOTE=Acid Lamp] Insult: Sirrah! You are a collection of glutinous vomit! [/QUOTE] Real: My sword will collect you like a frilly cravat! (Yeah, slant rhyme? Vomit is hard to rhyme with.) Fake: My friend’s favorite program is _Wallace & Gromit_. All really good so far! Though the point of the fake insults is to be completely off the mark except for the rhyming. The cell phone and knish comebacks are great examples of a fake. Some of the others, however, would have been fine comebacks except that they weren’t as relevant to the insult. Insult: Pick a sword fight with me? You must be touched in the head. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/10 "2007-04-07T03:10:28Z")
_Insult: Pick a sword fight with me? You must be touched in the head._ Real: Better touched in the head than untouched in the bed. Fake: I’ll take a tulip, please, in any color but red. Insult: For a pirate you sure look like a sissy. ---
**Author:** ![straight\_man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/straight_man/32/3027_2.png) [@straight\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/straight_man)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/11 "2007-04-07T05:29:17Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] Insult: For a pirate you sure look like a sissy. [/QUOTE] Real: Big talk for such a little girl, missy! Fake: Gaudere’s Law always gets me pissy. Insult: Who talk you to fight – a white skeleton? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/12 "2007-04-07T05:46:27Z")
_Insult: Who talk you to fight – a white skeleton?_ Real: Your words sound brave, but your knees are gelatin. Fake: Take out the bullets before you melt a gun. Insult: Your mother squeals like a pig when she sits on my sword. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/13 "2007-04-07T06:20:20Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] _Insult: Who talk you to fight – a white skeleton?_ Real: Your words sound brave, but your knees are gelatin. Fake: Take out the bullets before you melt a gun. Insult: Your mother squeals like a pig when she sits on my sword. [/QUOTE] That was as original as “My Sweet Lord” Fake: I sold my Chevy and bought a new Ford Insult: You’re as fat as a ham and will crack like an egg ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/14 "2007-04-07T06:38:57Z")
_Insult: You’re as fat as a ham and will crack like an egg_ Real: Mighty tough words from a pirate named ‘Greg.’ Fake: But my penis is huge! It’s as long as my leg! Insult: Is that a bird on your shoulder or a feathery goiter? ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/15 "2007-04-07T07:11:27Z")
_Insult: Is that a bird on your shoulder or a feathery goiter?_ Real: When your wife is at my place, she is sure to loiter! Fake: I seem to be lost, can you give me a pointer? Insult: Your sword is rusted till it is colored burnt-orange! OK, that one was cheating. Insult2: You move with the grace of a cow! ---
**Author:** ![oft\_wears\_hats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@oft\_wears\_hats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oft_wears_hats)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/16 "2007-04-07T14:00:00Z")
[QUOTE=Raguleader] Insult: Your sword is rusted till it is colored burnt-orange! OK, that one was cheating. Insult2: You move with the grace of a cow! [/QUOTE] Fake-Monkey-Island-Reference1: Um..err…door-hinge? Real2: **Your** fighting is less lithesome than I can allow. Alternate: **You’ll** look graceful when you’re tied to my prow. Fake2: The sewing machine was invented by Howe. Insult: You are a creature I cannot abide! ---
**Author:** ![thirdname](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/17 "2007-04-07T14:30:59Z")
**Insult sword fighting!** Sword-fighting, you suck! ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/18 "2007-04-07T17:42:32Z")
[QUOTE=riker1384] **Insult sword fighting!** Sword-fighting, you suck! [/QUOTE] Those who live by the sword, die by the duck! No… wait… that didn’t make any sense whatsoever… ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/19 "2007-04-07T22:45:31Z")
[QUOTE=Raguleader] Those who live by the sword, die by the duck! [/QUOTE] Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a…erm…hoot. But seriously, folks (as serious as you can get with this): > [@oft wears hats](#): > > Insult: You are a creature I cannot abide! Real: That’s pretty funny coming from Mr. Hyde. Fake: I don’t like my hair. Should I have it dyed? You’re the worst fighter I’ve seen in my life! ---
**Author:** ![Aioua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@Aioua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aioua)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2007, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057/20 "2007-04-07T23:01:31Z")
[QUOTE=mobo85] You’re the worst fighter I’ve seen in my life! [/QUOTE] Real: And you’re the worst lover e’er seen by your wife! Fake: The lack of oil causes global strife. You dare to fight me, you look like a wench! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insult-sword-fighting/399057.md?page=2)