# Insulted by a handshake?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [April 25, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716 "2013-04-25T22:23:16Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/1 "2013-04-25T22:23:16Z")
My husband was deeply offended the other day by a man who, when shaking his hand, grasped his (my husband’s) fingers rather than his palm. I’m pretty sure it was not an issue of a finger-crushing grip, just the fact that the shaker grasped my husband’s fingers. He maintained that this was a power play, a way for the shaker to send a message of superiority of position.
I was rather surprised to hear my husband’s take on the whole thing. Is this part of some unwritten handshake code of which I am unaware?
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### Author:  [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/2 "2013-04-25T22:28:10Z")
I’m not a very good hand-shaker. Sometimes you just miss your target. Not worth getting insulted over.
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### Author:  [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/3 "2013-04-25T22:37:12Z")
Wouldn’t there be a lot of other cues? Facial expression, body language, etc.? And what was the social context? Did the guy have a reason to express dominance that way? There isn’t enough information for us to know; maybe your husband is leaping to an unwarranted conclusion…or maybe not.
If the handshake was all he has to go on, I think he’s wrong.
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### Author:  [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/4 "2013-04-25T23:05:07Z")
**Procrustus** , missed target was my thought as well.
Context: I was with my husband and son on a Saturday morning and we ran into my (new-ish) boss, whom they had never met, outside a store. I introduced my boss to them. Boss shook my husband’s and my son’s hands. The whole exchange lasted a couple of minutes, max.
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### Author:  [@grama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grama)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/5 "2013-04-25T23:14:07Z")
Another vote for missed target, it happens.
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### Author:  [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/6 "2013-04-25T23:14:44Z")
I agree with your husband. I’ve never missed my target while shaking hands. I’ve known some jerks that pull the “barely a handshake” handshake. It’s a power play or a delivery of the message “you haven’t yet earned my respect for me to give you a proper handshake.”
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### Author:  [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/7 "2013-04-25T23:24:08Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#):
>
> I agree with your husband. I’ve never missed my target while shaking hands. I’ve known some jerks that pull the “barely a handshake” handshake. It’s a power play or a delivery of the message “you haven’t yet earned my respect for me to give you a proper handshake.”
When I do the “barely a handshake” (by mistake) I never feel like I’m achieving some power play. I feel like I failed at a basic man-activity and am ashamed and embarrassed.
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### Author:  [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/8 "2013-04-25T23:31:41Z")
Procrustus, in the future what may help you avoid premature grabbage, is allowing your hand to slide into the other person’s hand before grasping and shaking.
There’s also intuition that went into the OP’s husband’s conclusion. As the recipient of the handshake, he’s the best judge of intent. Since I know there are people that pull that sort of thing on purpose, I’m inclined to believe he read the other party’s motives correctly.
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### Author:  [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/9 "2013-04-25T23:32:39Z")
What culture are you from? Typically grasping the fingers is viewed as a rather “weak” or “effeminate” handshake in the US.
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### Author:  [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/10 "2013-04-25T23:33:17Z")
Your husband’s _assailant_ should be happy he’s not being accused of attempted rape.
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### Author:  [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/11 "2013-04-25T23:34:58Z")
Did the boss start to lift your husband’s hand to his lips? 😕
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### Author:  [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)
#### Post date: [April 25, 2013, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/12 "2013-04-25T23:59:37Z")
Another vote for off-target.
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### Author:  [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/13 "2013-04-26T00:40:51Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#):
>
> It’s a power play or a delivery of the message “you haven’t yet earned my respect for me to give you a proper handshake.”
He’s the spouse of an employee. Why would the boss attempt to send either message?
It’s just a messed up handshake, no big deal.
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### Author:  [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/14 "2013-04-26T00:43:35Z")
If it was intentional, that’s kind of a silly thing to do. I mean, who’s going to think “He screwed up the handshake; I must bow and scrape to him!” So if that is the intention, it’s gonna fail most of the time.
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### Author:  [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/15 "2013-04-26T00:48:05Z")
> [@Telemark](#):
>
> He’s the spouse of an employee. Why would the boss attempt to send either message?
Because some guys are dicks? You really don’t know this? You don’t know men that pull “I’m the alpha man here” bullshit just as a general rule?
I’d be able to tell if someone missed the palm of my hand or was attempting to shake my fingers around like I was a little girl. I’m betting the OP’s husband can tell the difference too.
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### Author:  [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/16 "2013-04-26T00:56:34Z")
I’ve never thought of grabbing the fingers as a dominant gesture. However, palm-down handshakes, or handshakes where the guy is noticeably trying to squeeze harder than you, yes.
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### Author:  [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/17 "2013-04-26T01:01:19Z")
I just hope nobody ever tries to guess what my handshakes mean, because I haven’t ever given a single thought about them. Who knows who I’ve insulted?!
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### Author:  [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/18 "2013-04-26T01:21:36Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#):
>
> Did the boss start to lift your husband’s hand to his lips? 😕
_Haha!_ That’s exactly what I pictured too! If someone ever shook my hand like that, I’d just think it was some weird _thing_ of the person doing it.
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### Author:  [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/19 "2013-04-26T01:52:42Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#):
>
> I agree with your husband. I’ve never missed my target while shaking hands. I’ve known some jerks that pull the “barely a handshake” handshake. It’s a power play or a delivery of the message “you haven’t yet earned my respect for me to give you a proper handshake.”
I always took a “dead fish” or a “kiss my hand” type handshake as “I really don’t want to make physical contact with you” or “I’m socially inept”.
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### Author:  [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)
#### Post date: [April 26, 2013, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/20 "2013-04-26T02:01:26Z")
How did he shake your son’s hand? How old is your son?
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