# Insulted by a handshake? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716 "2013-04-25T22:23:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/41 "2013-04-26T14:02:50Z")
Men who worry about things like this have already established who the alpha males are. If you’re so insecure that your first assumption is that someone is trying to pull a “power play”. You have lost the game before it started. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/42 "2013-04-26T15:28:09Z")
I’m certainly not manly enough for this thread. I still laugh at the idea that there are people who refer to some men as “alpha males”, I’m just not ready to accept that handshakes actually mean anything (except for a flat out refusal to do any handshake whatsoever, that I could see as insulting). ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/43 "2013-04-26T15:50:59Z")
This happens to me rather often. I have no idea why. I do look in the eyes when handshaking, and my motor skills aren’t athletic, but I usually hit the target. I keep my hand open until both hands meet between thumb and forefinger, then clasp. But some people seem to clasp early, and I end up with my fingers being squished, with nothing to clasp myself. OK, this happens, but why the _heck_ don’t people relax their grip for a few milliseconds and re-clasp? Instead, they stand there, grasping and shaking my fingers. I don’t get it. I can’t make any generalization about the people who do this, and I just act as though nothing odd is happening (as do they … to the detriment of the handshake, but no big deal). So, I understand the miss … it happens. But when it does, why do so many men just keep clasping? It makes for a rather unsatisfying handshake. ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/44 "2013-04-26T15:53:50Z")
I don’t think I’ve ever “missed” a handshake; honestly, it’s not that hard to do. So I’m going on the assumption that there was a reason for your boss doing a ‘fingertip shake’. That being said, it would never occur to me to be insulted if I was in your husband’s position. Perhaps I’m just blissfully ignorant of the hidden meanings behind the subtle variations in handshake stylings, but I wouldn’t have given it any thought beyond “gee, this guy doesn’t shake hands very well…” ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a6a055/32.png) [@Tequila\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Party)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/45 "2013-04-26T16:04:30Z")
Good grief. Do people really worry about this sort of stuff? It’s a handshake, not an act of congress. ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/46 "2013-04-26T16:55:51Z")
I also remember around the 2004 election that there had been a fictional show in which Bush had a weak handshake. There had also been a few years earlier a real news story about Al Gore. He had a special fashion consultant who had been picking out more earth tones and neutral colors to help him appear less wooden and robotic to female voters. I can remember a heated drunken debate among myself and several friends regarding this. They actually admitted that if they shook Bush’s hand and it was a weak handshake they would reconsider voting for him. Meanwhile, they all thought the idea that people voting based on the color of Gore’s shirt and tie was a very silly thing to allow your vote to be influenced by. I didn’t think there was much difference. Count me as another who has never failed at giving a handshake. So, I guess I’m presidential material. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/47 "2013-04-26T17:15:59Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > I’m just not ready to accept that handshakes actually mean anything Not _anything_? A handshake is as significant as any non-verbal cue: posture, eye contact, crossed arms, a forward-jutting chin. I think it’s more significant because it involves mutual physical contact. An awful lot can be communicated in a handshake, and waving it all off as macho alpha male posturing is silly. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/48 "2013-04-26T17:20:27Z")
Was the other person from the Far East? I’m tempted to say China but I’m not sure. I was on a course once with someone from those parts - I forget exactly where - and she said that that was how you shook hands there. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/49 "2013-04-26T20:34:11Z")
I have never been insulted by a handshake but I have been totally skeeved out by one. I remember shaking hands with one guy who obviously had no idea what he was doing. It was a total dead fish. And I don’t mean just laying there limp, it was cold and wet too. Gave me the willies. ---
**Author:** ![Heracles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heracles/32/487_2.png) [@Heracles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heracles)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/50 "2013-04-26T20:42:46Z")
There is no reason to get insulted over a botched handshake. If the perpetrator had been squeezing really hard and doing some kind of alpha-dog, stare-him-in-the-eye routine, then maybe. But it would be more laughable than insulting. As it is, it’s a missed target. I don’t understand how it can be interpreted any other way. By the way, did your son’s hand get mis-shaked (mis-shaken) in the same way? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/51 "2013-04-26T20:58:39Z")
> [@Debaser](#): > > I also remember around the 2004 election that there had been a fictional show in which Bush had a weak handshake. I think politicians who have to shake a lot of hands tend to do the finger grab more. As I mentioned, it is easier on the hands. I have seen politicians working the crowds shake left-hand-to-right for the same reason. The only politician I have ever shaken hands with is a former Senator from my state. He did the firm handshake/look directly into my eyes/repeat my name thing I taught my children. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/52 "2013-04-26T21:19:34Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I think politicians who have to shake a lot of hands tend to do the finger grab more. As I mentioned, it is easier on the hands. I have seen politicians working the crowds shake left-hand-to-right for the same reason. It’s also a security issue. If you let a random stranger get a firm grasp, there is a chance they might not let go. And usually it isn’t even a malicious thing, but just that some people go into a daze when they come face-to-face with a celebrity and freeze up. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/53 "2013-04-26T21:54:35Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > My husband was deeply offended the other day by a man who, when shaking his hand, grasped his (my husband’s) fingers rather than his palm. I’m pretty sure it was not an issue of a finger-crushing grip, just the fact that the shaker grasped my husband’s fingers. He maintained that this was a power play, a way for the shaker to send a message of superiority of position. > > I was rather surprised to hear my husband’s take on the whole thing. Is this part of some unwritten handshake code of which I am unaware? There’s a possibility, of course, that it was a miss, but if this man does it more than once, thus ruling out a miss, it’s a power play. The finger-shaker is definitely making the point that he is in some way (personally, professionally, whatever) above the person whose fingers he’s grabbing. It’s a shitty, passive-aggressive way kind of dominance behavior. One of the ranking partners at my wife’s law firm does this to me whenever we meet. Makes me want to punch him. I can’t, of course, because it would be my wife who would pay the price. And that’s the point. The guy doing it knows exactly what he’s doing, and how it will make me feel, and he’s getting off on the fact that he can make me smile and take it. One of my pet peeves is the left-handed handshake. You know, some guy has a cup of coffee or something in his right hand, so he responds to your extended hand with his left hand. He’s saying “you are so unimportant that I cannot be bothered to transfer my coffee cup to my other hand to greet you in the socially acceptable manner.” ---
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/54 "2013-04-26T21:58:11Z")
One of my favorite handshakes: [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/mFvbOdnzTKk/maxresdefault.jpg "The Pub Scene in 'The Quiet Man' - (1952)") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFvbOdnzTKk) I’ve never felt insulted by someone else’s handshake, but have been put off by the limp fish version. A handshake should be firm. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/55 "2013-04-26T22:37:06Z")
> [@Johnny\_Bravo](#): > > Not _anything_? A handshake is as significant as any non-verbal cue: posture, eye contact, crossed arms, a forward-jutting chin. I think it’s more significant because it involves mutual physical contact. An awful lot can be communicated in a handshake, and waving it all off as macho alpha male posturing is silly. It’s not silly if you simply don’t give a shit. I rarely encounter people who try to send a “message” while shaking hands. If someone is trying to give me a message, it always goes right past me and doesn’t even register. It’s a handshake, not a dick measuring competition. It’s something people do because it is considered the polite thing to do in our society. To take it too seriously and let yourself be insulted is silly, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/56 "2013-04-26T22:45:45Z")
I didn’t ask my son (who is 17) about how his handshake was – mostly because I didn’t want to plant the idea in his head that there could have been some alpha male message in the handshake. I’m kind of with **cochrane** on this one. If you don’t infer some ulterior motive in the handshake, it’s just a handshake. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/57 "2013-04-26T23:04:53Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > What culture are you from? Typically grasping the fingers is viewed as a rather “weak” or “effeminate” handshake in the US. Yeah, it might be a little silly, but my instinct would be to interpret it as a message of _inferiority_–the man lacks the confidence or the experience to shake properly. I would instantly, at least subconsciously, take that man a little less seriously. So–if it was meant as a “power play,” it would be the worst one ever. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2013, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/58 "2013-04-26T23:23:32Z")
In two separate occasions over the years, I’ve actually told 4 or 5 different finger shakers for a do-over…it eliminates the perceived power play (if there was one) and to shake hands correctly, so there was no misunderstandings. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2013, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/59 "2013-04-27T01:12:19Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > Yeah, it might be a little silly, but my instinct would be to interpret it as a message of _inferiority_–the man lacks the confidence or the experience to shake properly. I would instantly, at least subconsciously, take that man a little less seriously. > > So–if it was meant as a “power play,” it would be the worst one ever. This is exactly what my interpretation of such a handshake would be. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2013, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716/60 "2013-04-27T01:32:41Z")
I get the impression that this isn’t the case here, but sometimes people with sore joints, such as the arthritic, will pre-emptively grasp the partner’s fingers to keep their own hand from being squeezed. Even a less-than-firm handshake can be quite painful. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insulted-by-a-handshake/656716.md?page=4)