# Insults Only **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [July 18, 2017, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606 "2017-07-18T23:05:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2017, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/21 "2017-07-19T23:52:46Z")
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/22 "2017-07-20T00:29:05Z")
“Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?” – David Niven, at the 1974 Academy Awards, after being interrupted by a streaker. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/23 "2017-07-20T01:00:19Z")
“You’re dumber than snake mittens!” ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/24 "2017-07-20T01:24:57Z")
Otto West: Don’t call me stupid. Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape? Otto West: Apes don’t read philosophy. Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don’t understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself.” And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2017, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/25 "2017-07-21T01:03:38Z")
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2017, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/26 "2017-07-21T01:11:24Z")
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2017, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/27 "2017-07-21T19:15:27Z")
“Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?” Groucho Marx ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2017, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/28 "2017-07-21T22:13:03Z")
**Ned Flanders:** Calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly ah HELL DIDDILY DING DONG CRAP! Can’t you morons do anything RIGHT!? … [shocked gasps] **Marge Simpson:** Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best. **Ned Flanders:** Well my family and I can’t live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family’s out of control, but we can’t blame you, because you have gooooooooood intentions! **Bart Simpson:** Hey! Back off, man! **Ned Flanders:** Ooh okay, duuuuude! I wouldn’t want you to have a cow, maaaan! Here’s a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years: “HEY BUDDY, GOT A QUARTER?” **Bart Simpson:** I am shocked and appalled. **Lisa Simpson:** Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn’t do anything. **Ned Flanders:** Do I hear the sound of butting in? It’s gotta be little Lisa Simpson! Springfield’s answer to A QUESTION NO ONE ASKED! … [Chief Wiggum laughs] **Ned Flanders:** What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law! The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!! **Krusty the Clown:** [writing it down] Mallomars, oh that’s going in the act! **Ned Flanders:** Oh, yeah. The clown, the only one of you buffoons who _doesn’t_ make me laugh! … [to Lenny] And as for you, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re a jerk! **Lenny:** Hey, I’ve only been here a few minutes! What’s going on? **Ned Flanders:** [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man! **Moe:** Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I… um, what was the third thing you said? **Ned Flanders:** Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. **Homer:** Hey, I got off pretty easy. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2017, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/29 "2017-07-21T23:00:50Z")
Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3) “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2017, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/30 "2017-07-22T01:17:30Z")
[used this in the Trek thread, oh weel…] KIRK: Of course you don’t understand. You don’t have the brains to understand. All you have is printed circuits. SPOCK: Captain, if you’ll excuse me. KIRK: What can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia? SPOCK: My mother was a teacher. My father an ambassador. KIRK: Your father was a computer, like his son. An ambassador from a planet of traitors. A Vulcan never lived who had an ounce of integrity. SPOCK: Captain, please don’t KIRK: You’re a traitor from a race of traitors. Disloyal to the core, rotten like the rest of your subhuman race, and you’ve got the gall to make love to that girl. SPOCK: That’s enough. KIRK: Does she know what she’s getting, Spock? A carcass full of memory banks who should be squatting in a mushroom, instead of passing himself off as a man? You belong in a circus, Spock, not a starship. Right next to the dog-faced boy. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2017, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/31 "2017-07-22T05:38:58Z")
You know nothing, Jon Snow. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2017, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/32 "2017-07-22T13:13:13Z")
If you have ever - like me - Missed the R and hit the T, Addressing some fat blister As Mt. instead of Mr., I trust you left it unamended? Splendid! ~Ogden Nash ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/33 "2017-07-24T01:14:42Z")
Eddie, it’s me your old pal, Seamus McFuckyourself! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/34 "2017-07-24T02:06:21Z")
Yo’ momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/35 "2017-07-24T02:33:43Z")
**Tony Soprano:** I think it’s time for you to start to seriously consider salads. **Bobby Baccilieri:** What do you mean? **Tony Soprano:** What do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck! ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/36 "2017-07-24T02:46:21Z")
The Jerk Store called and they’re running out of _YOU_! -G. Costanza ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/37 "2017-07-24T03:10:17Z")
The way I hear it, you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat. You always were an asshole, Gorman. You despise me, don’t you, Rick? If I gave you any thought, I probably would. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/38 "2017-07-24T03:22:11Z")
Google is failing me, or, more likely, I’m failing it, but I remember a snippet of a Congressional hearing on TV, wherein a undersecretary of something was squirming in the hot seat, maybe about the '08 crash, and he said (paraphrased) ‘Honestly, Senator, I don’t know how we could be working any harder.’ Which got him, ‘I don’t have any doubt you’re working hard; I’m wondering who you’re working for.’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/39 "2017-07-25T14:04:29Z")
[Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses](http://twain.lib.virginia.edu/projects/rissetto/offense.html) by Mark Twain > [@](#): > > Cooper made the exit of that stream fifty feet wide, in the first place, for no particular reason; in the second place, he narrowed it to less than twenty to accommodate some Indians. He bends a “sapling” to form an arch over this narrow passage, and conceals six Indians in its foliage. They are “laying” for a settler’s scow or ark which is coming up the stream on its way to the lake; it is being hauled against the stiff current by rope whose stationary end is anchored in the lake; its rate of progress cannot be more than a mile an hour. Cooper describes the ark, but pretty obscurely. In the matter of dimensions “it was little more than a modern canal boat.” Let us guess, then, that it was about one hundred and forty feet long. It was of “greater breadth than common.” Let us guess then that it was about sixteen feet wide. This leviathan had been prowling down bends which were but a third as long as itself, and scraping between banks where it only had two feet of space to spare on each side. We cannot too much admire this miracle. A low- roofed dwelling occupies “two-thirds of the ark’s length” – a dwelling ninety feet long and sixteen feet wide, let us say – a kind of vestibule train. The dwelling has two rooms – each forty- five feet long and sixteen feet wide, let us guess. One of them is the bedroom of the Hutter girls, Judith and Hetty; the other is the parlor in the daytime, at night it is papa’s bedchamber. The ark is arriving at the stream’s exit now, whose width has been reduced to less than twenty feet to accommodate the Indians – say to eighteen. There is a foot to spare on each side of the boat. Did the Indians notice that there was going to be a tight squeeze there? Did they notice that they could make money by climbing down out of that arched sapling and just stepping aboard when the ark scraped by? No, other Indians would have noticed these things, but Cooper’s Indian’s never notice anything. Cooper thinks they are marvelous creatures for noticing, but he was almost always in error about his Indians. There was seldom a sane one among them. > > The ark is one hundred and forty-feet long; the dwelling is ninety feet long. The idea of the Indians is to drop softly and secretly from the arched sapling to the dwelling as the ark creeps along under it at the rate of a mile an hour, and butcher the family. It will take the ark a minute and a half to pass under. It will take the ninety-foot dwelling a minute to pass under. Now, then, what did the six Indians do? It would take you thirty years to guess, and even then you would have to give it up, I believe. Therefore, I will tell you what the Indians did. Their chief, a person of quite extraordinary intellect for a Cooper Indian, warily watched the canal-boat as it squeezed along under him and when he had got his calculations fined down to exactly the right shade, as he judge, he let go and dropped. And missed the boat! That is actually what he did. He missed the house, and landed in he stern of the scow. It was not much of a fall, yet it knocked him silly. He lay there unconscious. If the house had been ninety-seven feet long he would have made the trip. The error lay in the construction of the house. Cooper was no architect. > > There still remained in the roost five Indians. The boat has passed under and is now out of their reach. Let me explain what the five did – you would not be able to reason it out for yourself. No. 1 jumped for the boat, but fell in the water astern of it. Then No. 2 jumped for the boat, but fell in the water still further astern of it. Then No. 3 jumped for the boat, and fell a good way astern of it. Then No. 4 jumped for the boat, and fell in the water away astern. Then even No. 5 made a jump for the boat – for he was Cooper Indian. In that matter of intellect, the difference between a Cooper Indian and the Indian that stands in front of the cigar-shop is not spacious. The scow episode is really a sublime burst of invention; but it does not thrill, because the inaccuracy of details throw a sort of air of fictitiousness and general improbability over it. This comes of Cooper’s inadequacy as observer. > > The reader will find some examples of Cooper’s high talent for inaccurate observation in the account of the shooting-match in “The Pathfinder.” ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606/40 "2017-07-25T20:29:54Z")
I told my college English professor that I’d read Cooper had declared after reading **Pride and Prejudice** , “I can write a better book than that!” My professor said, “No. No, he couldn’t.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/insults-only/791606.md?page=3)