yes. i got loaded.
Before I started on an anti-depressant, I would go into a depression about once a year. Nights were the worst for me, as I lived alone and had nothing to distract me from my pain. I would lay on the floor in the living room and listen to sad music and cry. It was near-impossible to reach out to friends for help, and if they happenend to call, I would hide my sadness from them. At times I was in so much emotional pain I would feel like my brain was twisting in my skull, and that it was going to snap. I would cry until my eyes were swollen and I felt dehydrated, and when I was a teen-ager I used to cut myself. I guess I felt like the pain was so intense that the only was I could get it out was by cutting. I know that’s not true now. I had a couple Major Depressive episodes where I was not eating or sleeping and actually making plans to kill myself. I would have lucid periods during the day and the last time I was suicidal I told my therapist that I wanted to go on an anti-depressant. It saved my life.
As for happiness, I remember being in college, and I was with my best friend, and we were driving home to my mom’s house for the weekend. The sun was shining, we had the windows rolled down and U2 blasting on the car stereo. It just seemed like “all’s right with the world”. Whenever I hear “Where the Streets Have No Name” I flash back to that day.
Yeah, both good and bad.
The bad time… I learned something terrible (sorry, not very keen on sharing details) about a member of my family. Really terrible. And I was completely and utterly overwhelmed. It wasn’t an emotion that has a name, it was more of a punctuation emotion - sort of ???. What did i do? Well, i just felt i had to do something, so i grabbed a page of a newspaper and slowly tore it into strips. That was just the first thing that came into my mind, lord knows why. And then i rang a friend and said “what?.. what?” for half an hour. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I thought “This is it. My entire life just changed forever in a horrible, horrible way. I can never, will never be the same person ever again.” I thought the horrible would never, ever go away. So i smoked. Then i slept. Then i got up. And life went on. The overwhelmingness (is that a word?) ebbed and life went on and I did what everyone else does - coped. When it comes down to it, there’s really no other option than to just keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other and cope. I learned from that experience that everything passes with time, and it’s something i take a lot of comfort from when I’m having a hard time nowadays. I know that no matter how bad it gets life goes on, the crisis will pass and I will still be me.
…
And the happy? With my current SO. Lying in bed, I look at him and he’ll tell me he loves me and I think I’m just going to explode with happiness. I cry every time. Or sometimes, only occasionally, he’ll need me to love him and he’ll curl up on me and I’ll hold him and I could stay there forever. I want to shout “Good GOD I love you”, i want to throw things, hit things, scream for joy. I want to grab someone, give them a good shake and say “RAAAAAAAH!”. But mostly i just want to stay there forever, so I stay. I stay and i worry that I’ll never be this happy again, that this is it, the pinnacle of happiness. It just couldn’t get better.
Ag, i just made myself cry. I’m such a girl!
Fran
Chess:
When I first began to appreciate the complexities of this stupendous game (as a teenager) it almost became a mania for me. I would eat, drink, sleep and breathe chess. Anyone else who plays the game will know what I mean. It can still get my heart thudding when I am in a close quarters situation on the board that requires looking ahead more than four moves.
Music:
This is a passion that will never die. The exultation of composing a new melody or writing some really articulate lyrics is indescribable. When you get into a jam session with some very competent players and everyone gets in the groove, it is nothing short of sublime.
I have had the chance to play in an afternoon’s pickup band of skilled improvisers and work through three or four of my best compositions. To hear them cranked out by a full rock and roll band was pure ectasy. To finally get a chance to put down the guitar that I wrote the piece on and pick my alto sax and honk through the main lines of the tune was almost as good as sex (There! I said it!).
There is nothing like falling in or out of love and have your own emotions suddenly synthesize into a stream of notes and words that morphs into a beautiful song right underneath your own fingertips. I could go on for several more pages, but I shan’t.
Love:
What can I say? We all know the feeling. I pity any of you who don’t. The flame of love can fire the soul in ways that few other things on earth can. Needless to say (then why say it?), when I fall in love, I usually fall pretty hard. I like it that way. To bring passion and a sense of commitment to a relationship seems like a good place to start. The joy and serenity of knowing that you are loved and loving that person all that you can is one of the most fulfilling feelings there is.
Food:
Last but not least, there is food. How can such an important part of life not be a passion? The making of a great meal, and especially the creation of your own new recipe is more fun that one person is supposed to be able to have. Just last Friday, I took a co-worker to one of my all-time favorite restaurants. I ordered the Lamajuun (a saute of lamb, mushrooms, cheese and spices folded in flatbread), and my friend said that it was the finest flavor that she had ever tasted in her entire life. Moments like that make being a foodie all worth it.
I have recently had the pleasure of watching my best friend finally open up his palate and begin to enjoy foods he would never have thought to eat just a few years ago. I have walked out of my favorite restaurants many times, only to hear my friends exclaim, “That was the finest meal I have ever eaten in my entire life!” All of these things make food into something akin to an obsession for me. Plus, it’s a wonderful way for me to be nurturing without threatening my manhood.
PS: The rest of you really need to cheer the @&$# up!
Yes. I get feelings like that about every 28 days or so. I usually just eat a buttload of chocolate and that makes everything all better. 
All kidding aside, I’ve had my share of real problems with emotional intensity. My biggest problem was lack of it. Until I started taking anti-depressants, I didn’t feel much at all with any level of real intensity, and face it, there are some things that should be felt deeply and intensely. I’d feel things to a point, then there’d be a wall. No further.
Now, though, the depth is coming back, and honestly, I’m not so sure I like it. It’s going to take more work for me to learn how to feel intensely without letting it completely overwhelm me, to the point where I lose control.
Oh, that would have to be a whole other thread! “Subverting My Italain Side or How I Manage Not to Kill Someone Every Four Weeks”.
So there’s no misunderstanding, I meant MY death. Not anyone else’s.
Then again, what did they say on Monty Python? “A murder is only an extroverted suicide”