# Interested women IMMEDIATELY lose interest when I approach them. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 13, 2009, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244 "2009-08-13T01:39:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/21 "2009-08-13T10:32:19Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > I brush my teeth twice daily, and rinse with Listerine up to a minute. I have an impacted wisdom tooth, but if that was causing bad breath, wouldn’t someone (like family or close friends) tell me that within the last 12 years since it was discovered? I’d lay good money that this is it. Wisdom teeth are notorious polluters. Don’t assume that anyone would tell you that you have bad breath, because they may still just be figuring out how to say it, or they may have just learned to accept it as part of your colorful personality. Wait, you’ve been walking around 12 years with an impacted wisdom tooth? That’s crazy, as in lady-living-with-23 cats crazy. I wonder if that vibe might be in play here. You really need to get that fixed for all sorts of medical reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/22 "2009-08-13T11:09:17Z")
Well, it may be strange but…can you make a short film clip of yourself? Head and shoulders and hands only, making small talk ? (Saying something like: _Hi, I’m Cindy, just testing this camera, gee, how bout that weather we have been having?_) Any digital camera will make one for you, and you could load it up to Youtube for the purpose of this thread only, and take it off afterwards. We could give you some hones opinions which would probably allow you to rule out a few things you might be uncertain about. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/23 "2009-08-13T12:38:35Z")
I wonder if you could have a friend sit with her back to you and eavesdrop on your conversation with a woman you’re chatting up, if you think you could manage without being overly self-conscious. Maybe you are unwittingly being too aggressive or too diffident. But even if you do give off a “creepy” vibe, it would be hard for your friends to judge because your friends are used to you and presumably don’t feel you are creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/24 "2009-08-13T13:06:32Z")
Maybe you’re just going through a rough patch. If you’ve been successful in the past, you’re probably just on an ‘off’ month. Keep at it, don’t be too obvious about the sexual attraction, and don’t worry about it too much. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/25 "2009-08-13T13:13:02Z")
Do you have short hair, or look remotely like a guy? I’m wondering if from afar they might be thinking you’re a guy, and then realize you’re a woman when you approach, and being not lesbians themselves, hightail it outta there. Just a theory. ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/26 "2009-08-13T13:14:17Z")
> [@SmashTheState](#): > > The fact that you’re here asking random strangers on the Internet for dating advice tells me that you lack confidence. I’m genderqueer myself (asexual) so I have no interest in sex with anyone, of any gender, yet despite being totally uninterested, unlikely to give off “available” vibes, and despite being everyone’s stereotype of a huge, hairy anarchist (and roughly the size and shape of a refrigerator – you can find my picture over in the photo thread if you’re curious), I often find myself being flirted at by both men and women. If I had any interest in sex, I’d have no difficulty at all having as many sexual partners as I want. Why? Confidence. > > There is no bigger turn-on for people than confidence, and no bigger turn-_off_ than a lack of it. I’m an activist and a labour organizer, and as the organizer for the local copwatch program I often end up standing literally nose to nose with the police. As a result, I’ve had to learn how to show confidence even and especially when I’m nervous or scared. Without even thinking about it, I walk like I own the street. My mannerisms, my voice, my body language all express confidence, and it makes me sexually attractive regardless of my lack of other charms. > > My suggestion to you would be to do some roleplaying with willing friends until you’ve developed confidence in yourself. The world is constantly telling you to stay small, to be submissive, to never be the nail that sticks up lest you get smashed flat. The result is that those who learn how to be strong and confident are extra-appealing and have their pick of the pack for partners. I don’t know about that. When I first came out a few years ago, I thought I could get almost any woman I wanted. I have no idea why I thought that. I never thought that way as a “straight” woman. With the feedback I’m getting, obviously it isn’t true. However, I do think if I say and do the right things, I still think many women aren’t out of my league. I believe I have lot of things going for myself, I just think I might not be expressing that correctly. > [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Showering is good…but do you use deodorant? Some people seem to be under the impression that they don’t need to use this stuff if they shower regularly. I don’t know of any adult who doesn’t need to use it. Ewww, I know some of those people! Yes, I use deoderant, maybe too much! > [@Cosmic Relief](#): > > I’d lay good money that this is it. Wisdom teeth are notorious polluters. Don’t assume that anyone would tell you that you have bad breath, because they may still just be figuring out how to say it, or they may have just learned to accept it as part of your colorful personality. > > Wait, you’ve been walking around 12 years with an impacted wisdom tooth? That’s crazy, as in lady-living-with-23 cats crazy. I wonder if that vibe might be in play here. You really need to get that fixed for all sorts of medical reasons. Well, me and my family was not educated on complications of impacted wisdom teeth. It has never bothered me except when it was first diagnosed. It was infected, I was prescribed anti-biotics, and then the pain went away. I’ve had no problems with it until the last month or two. Plus we couldn’t afford the surgery. Especially now, that I don’t have dental insurance. > [@Maastricht](#): > > Well, it may be strange but…can you make a short film clip of yourself? Head and shoulders and hands only, making small talk ? (Saying something like: _Hi, I’m Cindy, just testing this camera, gee, how bout that weather we have been having?_) > Any digital camera will make one for you, and you could load it up to Youtube for the purpose of this thread only, and take it off afterwards. We could give you some hones opinions which would probably allow you to rule out a few things you might be uncertain about. I have taken that into consideration, I might do it one day. > [@Sigmagirl](#): > > I wonder if you could have a friend sit with her back to you and eavesdrop on your conversation with a woman you’re chatting up, if you think you could manage without being overly self-conscious. Maybe you are unwittingly being too aggressive or too diffident. But even if you do give off a “creepy” vibe, it would be hard for your friends to judge because your friends are used to you and presumably don’t feel you are creepy. Hmmm, I have had some of my friends tell me that I give off a creepy vibe (early in the friendship). They said it has to do with my eyes. I’m not really aware of this at all. The only thing I do with my eyes that I’m aware of when I’m around women, is checking them out. Sometimes I conceal that I’m checking a woman out, sometimes I make it obvious. But, I’m thinking this wouldn’t be creepy in the context of being in a bar. What other way would you get a detailed view of their looks and shape…and even showing interest before you speak? ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/27 "2009-08-13T13:40:28Z")
It could very well be bad breath from the imacted wisdom tooth, but it could also be scent related and have nothing to do with hygeine at all. I once almost lost a job for using Tide. About a year into my job I got pulled into my bosses office and told that I smelled. She said it was like a mildewed, sugary smell and that they had never smelled it until about a week earlier. I got sent home for the purpose of doing laundry and taking a shower to try to get rid of the smell but nothing I did seemed to work. After about 4 weeks of this and being so frustrated that I would sit and smell my clothes and just cry because they did smell and I couldn’t get rid of the scent I finally came here asking about what the smell could have been. I was told that Tide recently changed their formula. I immediately threw out the bottle of Tide and bought All Free and Clear because it had no perfumes or dyes. The smell instantly went away and I haven’t had a single complaint since. You might want to consider changing your laundry detergent, soap, deoderant, or any other product that you use regularly if it has a really strong scent. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/28 "2009-08-13T13:49:08Z")
What you say about your eyes reminds me of something my daughter recently discovered after taping herself. What she thought of as coy shy flirtatiousness was actually coming off as shifty eyed nervousness with a slight stomach ache. When she tried to correct it she got a freaked out shifty-eyed nervous look with a bit of the schizo on top of a stomach ache. She’s still working on it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/29 "2009-08-13T13:51:44Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > II have an impacted wisdom tooth, but if that was causing bad breath, wouldn’t someone (like family or close friends) tell me that within the last 12 years since it was discovered? You’d think, but you should ask a few people to be sure. What could it hurt? But overall, your looks don’t seem to be the problem. > [@Diamonds02](#): > > Me and my friends laugh about how I act so unintrested in the men who approach me, yet the men fail to notice. They may not fail to notice. Acting uninterested is a common flirtation technique that women use with men. And that guy “Mystery” puts it to use in the opposite direction. > [@](#): > > It’s a whole 'nother story with women. Once that sexual interest switch is flipped it stays on, and I try to make it obvious. This here might be the problem. Maybe you should be a little more circumspect. > [@SmashTheState](#): > > The fact that you’re here asking random strangers on the Internet for dating advice tells me that you lack confidence. Not necessarily. It only means that something in her life isn’t making sense and she’s looking for additional ideas or perspectives on what the problem might be. The fact that she’s considering and responding to all of the possibilities presented instead of going “but, but, but” supports this. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/30 "2009-08-13T13:55:25Z")
If you are using Axe, that is the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/31 "2009-08-13T14:01:34Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > It could also be scent related and have nothing to do with hygeine at all. I once almost lost a job for using Tide. … You might want to consider changing your laundry detergent, soap, deoderant, or any other product that you use regularly if it has a really strong scent. I just want to second this. When I was pregnant, and my nose was in overdrive, there was this faint smell in the house that made me sick. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but it was worse in the basement, where the laundry hung and the cat litter box stood. I thougth it was the cat’s litter box, and had a big row with my husband because I wanted him to clean it more often. And the smell was on my husband, too. I even thought for a moment (rationality is not at its best when pregnancy hormones run rampant) that my husband smelling “off” to me meant I was falling out of love with him. It turned out to be laundry detergent perfume. I changed brands and the problem was gone. Generally, not wearing any scent is best. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/32 "2009-08-13T15:57:25Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > They may not fail to notice. Acting uninterested is a common flirtation technique that women use with men. :smack: Apologies for the slight hijack, but that certainly explains a LOT. See, in my world, “no” actually means no. If I am not interested I will straight up say that and then I get frustrated when the pursuer continues in the same vein. If men, in general, think that this is a common flirtation technique, then no wonder some jerks won’t take no for an answer. They think no means “try again later.” Do you think it would help if I was even more straightforward and said, “No and I am not just playing games. I really honestly mean I am not interested.” ? As to the OP, I was going to ask what you say. What kind of small talk do you engage in, but it sounds like nothing atypical. Either ask a close friend to, heh pun intended, be totally straight with you and tell you what’s up, or consider taping yourself. I’ll be interested to see if you manage to pinpoint the problem. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/33 "2009-08-13T16:07:24Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > Yes, I use deoderant, maybe too much! Are you a smoker? ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/34 "2009-08-13T16:29:32Z")
> [@myskepticsight](#): > > I go to gay bars a lot, one populated heavily by gay women, and I see ladies of EVERY type gettin’ love. How heavily? I’m a straight guy who used to live around the corner from (and regularly drink at) a Hamburger Mary’s, and I’d say the female straight:queer ratio was probably 80:20. If I didn’t currently have a girlfriend, I’d be down there every couple of nights with a queer wingman picking up straight women. And this is in a town with very few Tribe-only options. There used to be an actual lesbian bar up the street from me, and the female queer population probably never exceeded 50%. ---
**Author:** ![SmashTheState](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@SmashTheState](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmashTheState)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/35 "2009-08-13T16:57:29Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > See, in my world, “no” actually means no. If I am not interested I will straight up say that and then I get frustrated when the pursuer continues in the same vein. If men, in general, think that this is a common flirtation technique, then no wonder some jerks won’t take no for an answer. They think no means “try again later.” It’s not just men who can’t take “no” for an answer. I’m asexual, have been all my life. I have no interest whatsoever in having a sexual partner. But at every party I have ever attended, there’s _always_ some tipsy girl who insists on sitting on my lap or playing with my beard or whatever other techniques they think are cute. And they absolutely will not take “no” for an answer. The more annoyance I show, the more ardent they become. In fact, in my experience, when I’m hit on by gay men looking for a daddy bear, they’re much easier to dissuade than women, who seem convinced that paradise resides in their crotch and everyone on Earth wants nothing more than to visit. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/36 "2009-08-13T17:00:06Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Apologies for the slight hijack, but that certainly explains a LOT. See, in my world, “no” actually means no. If I am not interested I will straight up say that and then I get frustrated when the pursuer continues in the same vein. If men, in general, think that this is a common flirtation technique, then no wonder some jerks won’t take no for an answer. They think no means “try again later.” > > Do you think it would help if I was even more straightforward and said, “No and I am not just playing games. I really honestly mean I am not interested.” That’s not what I meant at all! I am absolutely NOT talking about saying “no” or giving other clear “no” signals. When I said “acting uninterested” I meant stuff like being a little cool and standoffish. Or moving away from the guy at a natural break in conversation or something and letting him try to get your attention again. Deliberately sending mixed signals of the mild variety is the flirtation technique. Scarlett O’Hara (in the book) was a master of this. IIRC, that guy Mystery recommends sort of staring over a girl’s shoulder at the rest of the room a little while you’re talking to her. That’s a mild mixed signal–“I’m interested enough to talk to you but not necessarily interested enough to give you my full attention.” In response, the woman works harder to gain his attention. Her interest is piqued. (Not that I’m recommending that anybody actually follow that jackass’s advice. It’s just a good example.) I think a certain amount of confusion happens because many women are afraid of directly saying “no.” They’re deliberately trained not to give offense or hurt anybody’s feelings or be “mean.” So they may think they’re sending a “no” message but the man interperets it as flirtation. And I can’t really blame the guy for that. But you’re not doing that. You’re clearly saying no. Any guy that takes “no” or “I’m not interested” or turning on your heel and walking away or pointedly ignoring him as meaning “try again later” is an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/37 "2009-08-13T17:08:44Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > Of course women can be creepy. Anyone can be creepy. > > I’m wondering if it’s the voice. As a straight woman, I’m not attracted to high or feminine male voices. I don’t know if it works the same but opposite for women who are attracted to the same sex but I’d flag it as a possibility. low voice may scare off a Lesbian who thinks your not what you appear to be. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/38 "2009-08-13T17:14:58Z")
My (extremely limited) insight into lesbianism comes from a family member who experimented with the lifestyle for awhile. She seemed to sort them all into “butch” and “femme.” As I understand it, that isn’t just the way a lesbian chooses to dress but is also how she acts. Is it possible, OP, that once they talk to you they realize you’re not the type they’re looking for? Maybe you’re not a “type” but they’re looking for a type and by being something else or by being simply middle-of-the-road, the physical attraction is there but that isn’t enough? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/39 "2009-08-13T17:20:08Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > My (extremely limited) insight into lesbianism comes from a family member who experimented with the lifestyle for awhile. She seemed to sort them all into “butch” and “femme.” As I understand it, that isn’t just the way a lesbian chooses to dress but is also how she acts. That’s a stereotype. Some lesbians indeed identify as such and behave and dress in ways that match. But most lesbians are just regular folks. (IANAL, BTW) ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244/40 "2009-08-13T17:37:47Z")
I’m a fan of “scents”, I guess I’ll ask someone if I’m using too much. I don’t smoke. I’ve been thinking more about this male vs. female attraction lately. I get the sense that I’m not speaking some sort of lingo to women, that they are expecting. And, the few women who do speak to me, I don’t understand _their_ lingo. I hear things like “I’m looking for someone who is introspective, who will fulfill my spirtual needs, and knows where they are going”. What the hell? I’m looking for someone who has sex appeal, knows how to cook, make me a good drink, is athletic, is a good companion, and someone who won’t judge me. I also want to be those things to my partner. I’m simple, like the stereotypical guy. I’m not saying that i’m completely shallow, it’s just that I don’t need spritual and intellectual fulfilment from a partner. Many of the guys, regardless of orientation, I come across want the same things I want. What I’m trying to say is I am having a hard time adjusting to appearing emotionally attractive to women, opposed to being physically/sexually attractive to men…and women with really high sex drives and who are sexually open. I don’t have as much trouble attracting those sorts of women, but I find that they are rare. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interested-women-immediately-lose-interest-when-i-approach-them/506244.md?page=3)