# Interoffice Memos From Dante's Inferno **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2003, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181 "2003-04-30T16:39:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2003, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/21 "2003-05-11T23:08:50Z")
To: Abraham From: Rich man CC: Lazarus Re: water Where has he got to? It’s quater to eternity already, and I think my watch has stopped. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/22 "2003-05-12T00:10:04Z")
To: Every Current Deep Frying Krispy Kreme Employee From: Temptation Re: Homer Simpson All, We need another forbidden soul doughnut to lure this oaf back in here. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/23 "2003-05-12T00:11:44Z")
To: False Christians From: Satan Re: Waco All, Guess who finally stopped smoking after all these years? David Koresh. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/24 "2003-05-12T01:05:55Z")
Cartooniverse, I think I love you too. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/25 "2003-05-12T01:11:11Z")
\*\*To: Everyone \*\* From: Hilda Location: Valet, Level One, sector 1. There will be a handbasket sale this Thursday starting at 10am. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/26 "2003-05-12T02:53:22Z")
**To: John Cusack, Anjelica Huston and Annette Bening From: Satan.** Hey, wake up, people. I said that was the level for _grafters._ ---
**Author:** ![JonScribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3be4f8/32.png) [@JonScribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonScribe)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/27 "2003-05-12T05:23:36Z")
To: Fourth Circle, Those Lost in Avarice From: Front Desk, Limbo Re: Good news, bad news The good news: Dubya’s massive tax cut will become law. The bad news: There still ain’t anything down here to spend it on. To: Fifth Circle, Those Lost in Anger From: Front Desk, Limbo Re: Road Rage Refresher Course Don’t forget Tuesday’s class with muck-gurgling chorus practice to follow and a quick bite after that. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/28 "2003-05-12T06:36:53Z")
To: Helen Waite From: Apollyon Re: Induction Welcome! ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/29 "2003-05-12T07:12:43Z")
To: Nell From: Jerry Re: “Hell is for lovers” campaign I was writing to remind you of our upcoming meeting with the Tourism board. Is your powerpoint presentation finished? I recall you said Helga need to submit photos. I am also writing to let you know that our proposal for a theme park (“limboland”) has met with approval. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/30 "2003-05-12T13:58:19Z")
To: All Members of Hell From: Front Desk, Limbo **New Addition!!!** Let’s all give a warm (pun intended) welcome to Uday Hussein, who will be signing autographs in EACH circle of hell before heading to circle seven, traitors to god, neighbor and country! Way to go Uday…for your dedicated life of sin you will be granted “ALL ACCESS” to all circles of the inferno. ---
**Author:** ![garius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@garius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garius)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/31 "2003-05-12T14:55:48Z")
From: Front Desk To: All Circles Message: How many times do we have to tell you?! **DO NOT** reply to any “To Let” adverts from the 9th circle! There is a reason the rent is so cheap people… ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/32 "2003-05-12T15:15:27Z")
From: Limbo To: 9th Circle Re: pizza party Message: Could you make sure you bring a lot of ice to next Friday’s pizza party? As you know, we ran out last time, partly because we held the party on the banks of the Phlegethon river. The location for this one isn’t quite as hot, but hey, this is Hell ya know. So don’t be stingy with the ice. ---
**Author:** ![garius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@garius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garius)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/33 "2003-05-12T15:20:38Z")
From: Brutus To: All Circles RE: Signing me up to Viagra Newsletters. Message: Ha bloody ha. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/34 "2003-05-12T15:21:49Z")
From: Limbo To: Gluttinous RE: pizza party We’ve set a three piece per person limit on pizza. Please do not rob others of their treats. ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/35 "2003-05-12T15:45:23Z")
From: Gluttinous To: Limbo RE: pizza party Message: Well make sure the Titans of Tartarus don’t eat more than their fair share. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/36 "2003-05-12T16:50:58Z")
To: Hitler From: Satan Re: Accomodations Adolf, I know that you were nearly the Ruler of the Third Reich and all that, but no matter how much you complaining to the zoning board, you are going to have to share your quarters with Phred Phelps, the Husseins, Osama Bin Laden. You’ve already managed to make peace with Pol Pot. You’ll just have to adjust for the incoming onslaught. This is Hell, remember? ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/37 "2003-05-12T18:50:18Z")
To: All newbies From: Satan, CEO Hell, Inc. Re: Phone extentions You may have noticed that every phone extension in Hell is listed as 666. This is not a typo. **Every phone extension in Hell is indeed 666**. So yes, that means everyone dialing 666 will be ringing approximately 1.5 x 10^6 phones, in all levels of Hell. And yes, that means it will take what seems like an eternity (heh, heh) to figure out who you are really trying to reach and to get all the other damned souls to hang up. So please stop trying to register a complaint or question the folks in The Upper Rings about this matter. This is Hell, remember? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/38 "2003-05-12T18:52:27Z")
To: Everyone From: Front Desk Re: FUNNY!!! DO NOT DELETE! Seen on Satan’s Coffee Mug: \*\* You don’t have to be a Simonist to work here, but it sure helps!\*\*\*\* LOLOLOLOL Forward this on to ten of your friends! ---
**Author:** ![bashere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@bashere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bashere)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/39 "2003-05-12T19:30:13Z")
To: **Bashere** From: Hell’s fairness and Mediation Board, 665 Considerable Discomfort Avenue, Dis, Dis Hell Re: Your message As you have astutely pointed out in each of your 300 memos, yes, Satan is trapped in a lake of ice, and you are correct that this means that part of Hell is, in fact, frozen over. She still isn’t going to sleep with you. She is not contractually obligated to sleep with you. It was a figure of speech. Let it go. If you promise to stop bothering us about this, we will reassign you to Virtuous Pagans on Level one. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/40 "2003-05-12T19:55:48Z")
To: John Doe, Purgagtory. From: The son of the Gatekeeper, Malebolge. YOU NEED TO KEEP THIS SECRIT.I HAVE MANAGED TO AKQUIRE 3,000,000 YEARS OF PENTITANCE FROM MY FATHER. UNFORTUNATELY I AM UNABLE TO TRANSFER IT OUT OF HERE, AS SATAN HAS REALLY CRACKED DOWN ON THAT SORT OF THING. NOW I NEED YOUR HELP. IF YOU CAN SEND ME YOUR PENTITANCE ACCOUNT NUMBER, AND ACCESS CODE, I CAN TRANSFFER ALL OF IT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. YOU CAN KEEP AS MANY YEARS AS YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE AND INTO HEAVEN. AGAIN YOU MUST KEEP THIS SECRET. REGARDS THE SON OF THE GATEKEEPER. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181.md?page=3)