# Interoffice Memos From Dante's Inferno

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [April 30, 2003, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181 "2003-04-30T16:39:45Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\
**Post date:** [May 12, 2003, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/41 "2003-05-12T21:10:37Z")

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😉

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**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/42 "2003-05-13T01:43:47Z")

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\*\*To: Jerry Falwell

From: Satan

Re: Good news, bad news.

The good news.\*\* Mr. Falwell, you were right about the Prophet Mohammad.

**The bad news.** You are now his prison bitch.

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**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/43 "2003-05-13T04:01:53Z")

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To: Certain Leaders Of The World  
From: Satan (The Enemy, The Great Adversary, etc)

Re: Sponsorship by Higher Powers

Once again it is my painful (heh heh) duty to clarify a few things:

1. As Leaders, you believed you were doing right, and the Higher Powers were on your side–and you sacrificed the lives and treasure of your Nations to this belief.

2. The other Leaders all believed and did the same thing.

3. You were all equally correct.

Enjoy your stay. I know _I_ will.

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**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/44 "2003-05-13T04:43:54Z")

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**To:** Warden, City of Dis, 6th Circle.  
**From:** Front Desk, Limbo.  
**Date:** Two thousand and three years after the harrowing of Hell.

Seems we’ve had a pardon sitting here for a decade or so for a **Galileo Galilei** who’s been in one of your burning tombs since 1642. Have him cleaned up and sent to the front desk.

No hurry.

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**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/45 "2003-05-13T16:21:15Z")

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To: Miss Cleo

From: Satan

Re: Your stay here

You mean you didn’t see this coming?

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**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/46 "2003-05-13T17:09:16Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \*  
> \*\*To: Nell  
> From: Jerry
> 
> Re: “Hell is for lovers” campaign  
> …  
> I am also writing to let you know that our proposal for a theme park (“limboland”) has met with approval. \*\*

To: All

From: Front Desk, Limbo

Please disregard Nell’s recent announcement on the approval of the “limboland” proposal. It was premature.

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**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/47 "2003-05-13T17:11:00Z")

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To: Jerry  
From Nell

Why you dirty backstabber! You knew limboland hadn’t made it out of the infernal affairs committee–you set me up.

How low can you go?

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**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\
**Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/48 "2003-05-13T18:28:57Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Snooooopy \*  
> \*\*To: Custodial Staff
> 
> From: Satan
> 
> Re: Hope
> 
> All of the hope abandoned by ye who enter here is piling up at the front door. I have tripped over it three times this week alone as I go out to grab the mail. And it makes the entrance to Hell, which should look awesome and scary, look sloppy and disorganized. There are Dumpsters out back for all the excess bits of hope – let’s get cleaning!
> 
> Also, you’re taking another pay cut. You didn’t think I could pay you less than nothing, but damned if I didn’t figure out a way! And damned if I did. \*\*

To: ALL  
From: The flatterers

Re: Pay cuts

If I can add to our great lord and master’s remarks,  
Please remember that all of this is for your own good, we all need to make our quotas. Better to be paid less-than-nothing than to not have a job at all. You all should be considering yourselves lucky to be able to be working.

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**Author:** ![longjohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@longjohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/longjohn)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/49 "2003-05-14T11:35:29Z")

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To: Pascal  
From: Satan  
Re: Feeling lucky?

Offer you double or quits on the tooth fairy?

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**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/50 "2003-05-14T13:23:38Z")

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To: Kenneth Rice, Bernie Ebbers etc.  
From: Satan

Re: 8th level assignment as a falsifier

MESSAGE:

Yes, I know everyone did it. However falsifying your company’s earnings \<i\>does\</i\> qualify you for this level. Don’t worry, you won’t be lonely forever, in fact you’ll have lots of company soon enough.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/51 "2003-05-14T13:44:47Z")

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Posted on the HMB (Hell Message Board) May 14, 2004.

**NEWBIE**  
Banned  
Posts: 1

Topic: Just a few questions.  
How long is eternity?  
What is the third english word ending in Gry?  
Why do you park in the driveway and drive on a parkway?

**SATAN**  
Moderator  
Posts: 666,666,666,666,666,666,666

This is the 10 billionth time these questions have been asked. The next troll who asks will be sent straight to the Deep Lake Of Shit.

Regards,  
Yer Pal Satan

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**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/52 "2003-05-14T14:24:50Z")

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TO: ALL CIRCLES

From: Limbo, Front Desk - Bonnie

FWD: RE: A NICE STORY

I loved this story and I thought you guys would like it too! Please don’t delete. If you scroll all the way to the end you get a wish!

\<\<\<\<\<\<Once there was a boy who was raised in the life of light. He worshipped Christ in a white church on a hill, where thousands of white people gathered to tithe ten percent of their earnings and cast away sin. That boy grew up and went to college and got straight A’s, joined the Military and served his country in a just war against a godless country.

But you know what? He got cancer anyway.\>\>\>  
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FELLOW SHADES!!!

XXXOOOO Bonnie

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![ChordedZither](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9c0ed/32.png) [@ChordedZither](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChordedZither)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/53 "2003-05-14T18:24:44Z")

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To: Sysyphus  
From: Systems Administration  
Subj: Scheduled Maintenance

Please be advised that your mountain will be down for  
regularly scheduled maintenance on Friday, June 13 from  
12:00AM-6:00AM while we upgrade your punishment  
equipment to the new Boulder 2.03 (beta) release.

Please be sure to save all work before that time. Failure to  
do so will condemn you to having to start over from the  
beginning.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\
**Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/54 "2003-05-14T18:43:15Z")

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To: Front Desk, Limbo

From: Kurt Cobain

Re: Concert idea

MESSAGE: Hey I’d be willing to leave the 7th circle and give a free concert or something. I just need you to turn me back into a human so I can play again. These branches don’t work so well on guitar strings.

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**Author:** ![YoudNeverGuess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a587f6/32.png) [@YoudNeverGuess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YoudNeverGuess)\
**Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/55 "2003-05-15T12:10:16Z")

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To: Beelzebub

From: Freddie Mercury

Re: That devil you promised

Dear Beelzebub,

I am sending this memo in relation to the devil you had promised to put aside for me. I went up to collect it at the desk in circle 4 but they didn’t seem to know anything about it.

As I have already informed a number of people that you had a devil put aside for me the lack of said devil is the cause of some embarassment.

I would be grateful if you could rectify this situation ASAP.

- FM

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**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\
**Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/56 "2003-05-15T20:40:19Z")

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To: Management

From: Union

Subject: Your promises

You said in writing that we’d get better ventilation here in the factory when the majority stockholder became seriously refrigerated. He in now up to his knees in ice. A large and smoldering gentleman came to our offices and picked up a custom-made toboggan with matching mittens. Pay up.

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**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\
**Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/57 "2003-05-15T20:58:17Z")

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From: Beezelbub

To: Freddy Mercury

Re: That devil you promised

I’d rather find you somebody to love.

Regards,

Beez

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Ferris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ferris/32/11573_2.png) [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)\
**Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/58 "2003-05-15T22:22:24Z")

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From: \<IT\_Support\>  
To: \<All\_Souls\>  
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 1:22 PM  
Subject: Network issues

As part of our scheduled network maintenance, H:\permanentfiles has been removed. Users may have noticed by now that we had to ctrl-alt-del the whole network to do this, so some files that you have been working on for all eternity will have been irretrievably lost. Luckily this was only likely if they were over about 1.4Mb in size, or the latest software version.

Please re-boot your terminal and enter your (new!) password to continue your work.

Cheers,

IT Support

----- originaaaal messaaaaage -----  
rom; \<embezzler6043278\>  
to; \<it-support\>  
sent; wedddddnesdddddaaaay, may 1 , 2003 12:56 pm  
subject; re; network issues

sorry to aaaaaask, but whaaat haappeneddd to my importaaaant ile which i named ‘myile157896722381009576381278003975776221030336371080271892571193’/ 9thaat’s supposeddddddd to be aaaaaaa question mark0. i put it in h;\permaaaanentiles like you saaaaiddddd but i caaan’t aaccess thaaaaat oldddddder aaaanymore111 thaaaaanks, bob.

----- Original Message -----  
From: \<IT\_Support\>  
To: \<All\_Souls\>  
Cc: \<[b.gates@microsoft.com](mailto:b.gates@microsoft.com)  
Sent: Monday, May 12, 2003 10:48 AM  
Subject: Network issues

With the roll-out of our upgraded Satanic network, I am pleased to announce some new features which I’m sure will help increase the frequency and efficiency of computer-related torments:

1. The new ‘Continual Upgrade’ feature will ensure that everyone’s software is always the latest, untested version. Please be aware that upgrades will now happen approximately every five minutes and that old versions of your files will be deleted for security reasons.

2. The HellFireWall has been strengthened and now blocks most attachments and any non-spam emails with such keywords as ‘holy’, ‘redemption’, ‘delight’ and ‘the’. Spam is the only exception to this, and its occurrence has been increased by 200%. Users should note that [www.straightdope.com](http://www.straightdope.com) now points to a cockroach porn site as an unforeseen result of these changes.

3. With close to an infinity of users (and plenty more to arrive, hopefully!) we need to conserve more disk space. File duplications will not be tolerated, as it’s putting a strain on our main server (the 286). As this includes backups, please be very careful deleting files!

4. The new ‘sticky’ keyboards have arrived and will be available soon. Despite the fact that there’s no ‘4’ or ‘f’ on them, and both the ‘Enter’ and the ‘Shift’ keys are wrongly labelled and are in fact ‘Delete’ keys, I’m sure they’ll be well received.

5. The file management procedure has been slightly altered. Please take time to read it. The main points are:

(i)All vital and impossible to replicate files should be stored on H:\permanentfiles.

(ii) All files should be between 1.5 and 1.52Mb in size.

(iii) All files should be named ‘MYFILE\<number\>’ where \<number\> is any random sixty digit number.

1. Please remember to change your password HOURLY or you will be locked out of the system and then disembowelled. As a reminder, passwords must be a mixture of numbers, lower and upper case letters and arcane runic symbols; they should be between twenty two and twenty eight symbols in length and include the letter ‘F’.

Unfortunately, IT support will be temporarily reduced for the next twenty millennia as we continue our scheduled network maintenance. Thank you for your co-operation.

Cheers,

IT Support.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Ferris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ferris/32/11573_2.png) [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)\
**Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/59 "2003-05-15T23:40:31Z")

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From: \<Bat\>  
To: Meatloaf\_Fan @ flamingpit.hell  
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 1:26 PM  
Subject: Out of Hell Auto-Reply

I will be briefly out of Hell until tomorrow and will ignore your message and make excuses for ‘missing it’ upon my return.

Cheers,

Bat.  
Extn: 666

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\
**Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/interoffice-memos-from-dantes-inferno/172181/60 "2003-05-16T00:41:01Z")

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To: Guido da Montefeltro  
From: Satan  
Re: Fool me once…

Guido, it’s bad enough you shook your flames for Dante, who returned to the world of the living to report on your status, but c’mon! Some punk named Prufrock fooled you too! Yes, I recognize the irony in re: your status in the 8th Circle of Fraudulent Counselors, but this is getting embarrassing. Wise up, moron!

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