# Intrusive? Racist? Useful concern? All of the above? (Stranger questions interracial family photos) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 7, 2015, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258 "2015-01-07T20:14:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/61 "2015-01-09T19:17:29Z")
The people in these examples were dumb because the racial aspect seemed to be their only trigger but say I was driving through a lower class majority black neighborhood and I see some white guy ushering an uncomfortable looking little black girl into his car and driving off I may be right or wrong but because of the racial factor think something was amiss, If the same exact thing happened but it was a black guy I might assume it was the parent and maybe the kid was just mad or something. I’m not saying that this example is ironclad or even a great one but I can think of examples where the racial component juxtaposed with all the other elements of a situation may make something seem odd or suspect. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/62 "2015-01-09T22:52:16Z")
> [@pool](#): > > I’m not saying that this example is ironclad or even a great one but I can think of examples where the racial component juxtaposed with all the other elements of a situation may make something seem odd or suspect. Well, of course. Just about anything that we don’t see on a regular basis can be construed as “odd or suspect”. But that doesn’t mean we need to act on that suspicion, or automatically expect others to share in your suspicions. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/63 "2015-01-09T23:18:42Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I am torn between telling him “I feel your pain” and “Lighten up, Francis”. Excrement occurs, whether your kids are Asian or not. People don’t always automatically assume they’re yours if they are a different race from you - but who cares? > > I would have thought he would have developed a thicker hide if he has been their father for sixteen years. It’s a shame that one of the daughters almost cried, but she’s a teenager. > > I wonder if he actually saw a badge from this alleged Homeland Security guy. Maybe it was, maybe he was just a passing nut. > Would not be a good idea with me, unless you got twenty minutes to spare looking at pictures and hearing a detailed account of every wonderful thing my kids have done for the last twenty years or so. > > Did I mention that my daughter just landed a job in her degree field? Let me show you a few Christmas pictures. That’s my son on the left - he is a decorated war veteran, you know… > > Regards, > Shodan I can’t believe you actually have kids who actually bother remaining in contact with you. Are you way nicer in person? ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2015, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/64 "2015-01-10T02:38:48Z")
> [@](#): > > I would be remiss if I didn’t ask if you were okay. Yeah, this never happened. No one would say that. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2015, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/65 "2015-01-10T17:22:39Z")
> [@get\_lives](#): > > I can’t believe you actually have kids who actually bother remaining in contact with you. Are you way nicer in person? This is out of line for this forum. If you want to make digs like this to other posters, you do it in the BBQ Pit forum. Let’s avoid taking shots like this again. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/66 "2015-01-10T18:39:54Z")
I’ve been in a situation like this with my Asian kid. We were traveling through Orlando, two white parents, white daughter, Asian son. He was about eight, not old enough to need ID when traveling (now we ALWAYS bring his passport - which at least matches my husband’s last name, he’s sixteen now). The TSA agent decided we couldn’t possibly be his parents and pulled him aside. Fortunately for us, the kid had a smart mouth (still does), and was old enough to use it “duh!, I’m adopted.” He also has little respect for authority, so he was neither intimidated or frightened, just convinced he’d run into the stupidest person in the world. His parents spent about two minutes scared out of their wits. We had no way to prove this was our kid - his behavior was going to determine what happened next and he was unpredictable. If he was a different kid, if he was easily scared or intimidated, if he’d picked that moment to decide it was funny to pretend to be kidnapped, if he’d been younger and unable to articulate that we were his parents, it would have ruined at least a day, and possible cost us quite a bit of money proving our son was our son. It might have caused emotional anxiety - my daughter would have been traumatized for years over something like that - she was just much more emotionally fragile as a kid (and now takes on the world). Was this case rude - YEP, absolutely. A complete and total busybody. Striking up a casual conversation (nice family, wow, what a camera, what pretty girls) would have been a far more polite to address his fears. There are even questions that - while rude - would not have been nearly as offensive (telling the girls they were lovely, and asking if they were Chinese “you are both so lovely, are you Chinese, my friend adopted a little girl from China.” Annoying as hell to a lot of adoptive kids and parents, but better than having Dad accused of being a pedophile) If we should err on the side of caution, we’d go around asking complete strangers at the grocery store “is that baby REALLY yours” and - as someone said upthread “does your husband beat you?” Or reminding someone every time they buy a bottle of vodka at the grocery store “now, don’t drink and drive.” Walking up to a guy doing open carry and saying “I hope you aren’t here for a violent rampage.” For a polite society to remain a polite society, we give people the benefit of the doubt, until the doubt gets overwhelming…and this was not a case where any sensible person should have been overcome with doubt. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2015, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/67 "2015-01-11T22:19:36Z")
I seldom get the opportunitiy to feel so smug and superior: This would NOT be an issue in most parts of AUS. God knows we have enough problems of our own, but mixed-race couples with non-biologically-related kids are treated with respect, and their kids are admired. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/68 "2015-01-12T04:16:28Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > I seldom get the opportunitiy to feel so smug and superior: This would NOT be an issue in most parts of AUS. God knows we have enough problems of our own, but mixed-race couples with non-biologically-related kids are treated with respect, and their kids are admired. So they’re still not treated like any other family…? ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/69 "2015-01-12T05:09:00Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > I’d say, that since he was joining her in the line, that there was an obvious indication that he and his SO were together. That is absolutely what I would have assumed. > > But then, in this part of the world mixed couples are not unusual. Except that the way he told the story he didn’t “join her in line” He stood behind her, and no mention was made of any sort of greeting or other form of recognition - As I mentioned earlier, if I were in that situation, I would have done something to make it obvious we were together ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/70 "2015-01-12T14:07:20Z")
So you have an older man with professional photography equipment spending an inordinate amount of time coaxing two reluctant young women to hug-- and they are on a boat? Sorry, that looks shady. Yeah, dude was being a busybody. But I don’t think he could be expected to infer that they were family. If the girls were younger, or if they were interacting happily, or if it seems like a normal snapshot, sure. But there are no clues in this situation that they are a family. I can see how this would be annoying to the family, but wouldn’t you laugh it off? I’d be thinking “Ha! I guess we did look pretty suspicious!” It reminds me of the time I got an important physical at Planned Parenthood, accompanied by a gay friend, and left the clinic visibly elated to get a clean bill of health. Unthinkingly, we gave each other a high five as we exited. I was quickly approached by a horrified anti-abortion protester. They were so wildly off base, and yet I can see where they were coming from. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/71 "2015-01-12T15:15:32Z")
> [@](#): > > So you have an older man with professional photography equipment spending an inordinate amount of time coaxing two reluctant young women to hug-- and they are on a boat? I thought were were talking about what the OP said, not a bunch of additional stuff you invented. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/72 "2015-01-12T15:19:04Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > They were so wildly off base, and yet I can see where they were coming from. yeah, from asshole town. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/73 "2015-01-12T17:00:10Z")
People have claimed that the girls looked “reluctant” or “unhappy”. Am I missing something in that article? Where are these adjectives mentioned? ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/74 "2015-01-12T17:23:50Z")
> [@pool](#): > > Similar story: > > [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2328828/A-white-dad-suspected-kidnapping-biracial-daughters-following-family-trip-Walmart.html](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2328828/A-white-dad-suspected-kidnapping-biracial-daughters-following-family-trip-Walmart.html) > > I can understand being upset by this, but at the same time I think the safety of children outweighs some hurt feelings and better someone gets offended than some children are kidnapped. My wife is a darker skinned Latina and all our children look completely white with blue eyes and one with blonde hair and they literally look nothing like her they are my clones I joke because they really seem to have no features from my wife. If something similar happened to my wife it would be annoying to say the least but I wouldn’t boycott the store, the person’s heart was in the right place. I can understand the actions of the person in the OP more than the actions of the people who called the police on this father. 1. These girls look a lot like their dad to me, and 2. Where do people think biracial children come from? ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/75 "2015-01-12T17:56:32Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > So you have an older man with professional photography equipment spending an inordinate amount of time coaxing two reluctant young women to hug-- and they are on a boat? > > Sorry, that looks shady. Why does “on a boat” make it more suspicious? First, on a ferry boat frequented by vacationers makes it more likely that it is a vacation picture, and secondly, there’s no place to run on a boat were it really a kidnapper who needed to escape. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/76 "2015-01-12T18:40:59Z")
> [@pool](#): > > The people in these examples were dumb because the racial aspect seemed to be their only trigger but say I was driving through a lower class majority black neighborhood and I see some white guy ushering an uncomfortable looking little black girl into his car and driving off I may be right or wrong but because of the racial factor think something was amiss, If the same exact thing happened but it was a black guy I might assume it was the parent and maybe the kid was just mad or something. I’m not saying that this example is ironclad or even a great one but I can think of examples where the racial component juxtaposed with all the other elements of a situation may make something seem odd or suspect. All that means is that you have racist thoughts, and rather than acting like they are legitimate, you need to dismiss the thought and try to become a better person. I’ve never understood why people seem to have such a hard time with this. If you are introspective enough to figure out that you would think differently if the races involved were different, you’ve just identified a racist thought. And you know racism is wrong. You don’t need to defend the thought. It is wrong. At worst you should try not to let it influence your actions. At best, you ought to combat it with an accurate thought. In fact, it should be automatic for a non-racist to think “would this bother me if races were different?” If so, then the problem is unintentional racism. So stop it. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/77 "2015-01-12T19:30:10Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I am torn between telling him “I feel your pain” and “Lighten up, Francis”. Excrement occurs, whether your kids are Asian or not. People don’t always automatically assume they’re yours if they are a different race from you - but who cares? > > I would have thought he would have developed a thicker hide if he has been their father for sixteen years. It’s a shame that one of the daughters almost cried, but she’s a teenager. Your definition of a “thicker hide” is not a good thing. Sure, being able to tolerate things that are wrong is a good thing. But it doesn’t mean you stay silent about it. You call it out for what it is. And who cares? People who don’t accept racism. Thinking something bad about someone solely because of their race is racism. If you can put a different race in the equation and you no longer think something bad about them, the original thought was racist. The only thing possibly saving the guy is the idea that the race of the father possibly did not factor into his assessment. But, like the author, I find this hard to believe. I’ve seen lots of families where the dad fancies himself a photographer and spends a lot of time taking pictures of his kids. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/78 "2015-01-12T19:50:21Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > But as far as preemptive suspicion goes… Show me statistics that black people are less likely to commit violent crimes and robberies. Oh, but those statistics are skewed right? Because we only arrest the black people, right? Because we’re all racist. So the proof that we’re racist is that we’re racist. OK. Guilty as charged. No, what would make you racist would be if that you think that, even if it were proven that black people commit more violent crimes that it would be okay to be more scared when you see an individual black person. No matter how much more likely it is that black people are violent criminals, it’s still going to be that the vast majority are not criminals. If you think the guy is more likely to be a criminal, that is a racial stereotype, a form of racial profiling. That’s the problem here, too. Even though it’s more likely that a kidnapper’s victims would be a different race than he is than for a father’s kids to be a different race than he is, it still much, much more likely that you will run into a father with his adopted kids than you’ll run into a kidnapper. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/79 "2015-01-12T19:53:18Z")
> [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](#): > > Fair? No. Necessary? Yes. It’s how things are. I live with it, but it stinks. In the news item, the racial difference probably didn’t help, but I have no doubt that the photographer’s being male was much more significant. Necessary in that you have to do it in an unfair society. Not necessary in that society needs to be this way. Same problem as before. Just because child molesters are more likely to be male doesn’t mean a man is more likely to be child molester than not. ---
**Author:** ![buddy431](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6a8cbe/32.png) [@buddy431](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddy431)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2015, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258/80 "2015-01-12T20:11:30Z")
Yes, that was an inappropriate thing to do. People have incredibly messed up senses of perceived risk vs. actual risk. You’d be better off asking “does you daddy beat you at home”, and everyone realizes how incredibly inappropriate that question would be from a stranger. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/intrusive-racist-useful-concern-all-of-the-above-stranger-questions-interracial-family-photos/709258.md?page=5)