# Is 40 too old for a man to get married? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 20, 2017, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718 "2017-07-20T12:08:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/21 "2017-07-20T16:49:26Z")
If I knew a woman who was thinking of hooking up with that guy, I would tell her to stay far away. Any woman who marries that guy runs a very real risk that he’ll be just as embittered as he is now, but decide that his wife is obviously some sort of loser for marrying a guy like him, unlike all those great women out there who rejected him. That does not make for marital bliss. There are plenty of overweight 40 old men out there without that attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Reddy\_Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Reddy\_Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reddy_Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/22 "2017-07-20T16:51:38Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > I feel like your thread title/question doesn’t accurately reflect the situation. The question “is 40 too old to get married?” is pretty objectively wrong, just given how often you see people over the age of 40 getting married. > > But to answer the situation posed in the OP – then it gets more complicated. First of all, if he is 40 and has not had any luck with relationships his entire life, then I would say his age is at least relevant here. I would not say it’s causing his loneliness; however, if he has gone 40 years without a relationship then I think it’s a little hard to say that he’s just hit a bad patch and needs to get out of a funk. There are some long-lasting issues here if he has not been able to get into a relationship by now. (If he HAS been in long-term romantic relationships, and just isn’t right now, then everything I just said is irrelevant.) > > The other thing: How shall I put this? If a man looks unkempt, that’s a warning sign to me. You said he’s overweight, but if he’s also depressed, then I envision a man who doesn’t shower regularly, wears ill-fitting clothes that are stained and wrinkled, doesn’t regularly shave or cut his hair or trim his fingernails, stuff like that. If this is the case, then it’s very likely that his physical appearance is a warning sign as to his mental state, and it’s keeping people away. > > I will just add my disclaimer once more that the OP provided limited information, and I acknowledge that if I were given more details of the situation I may decide that my remarks were irrelevant or off the mark. He’s had relationships before. Some of them several years in length IIRC. Right now he is indeed unkempt. He has a long beard and long hair. He has the beard to cover his double chin. I told him he would be much more attractive without it, but he lacks enough confidence to be cleanshaven because of his double chin. He has the least confidence of any guy I know, and I feel confidence is something women have a sixth sense for; that even if a guy looks great, a woman can pick up if it’s phony, if the guy is insecure and lacking in confidence. Also, I’ll be honest - the guy lives in Japan. Now, I might sound ‘racist’ and elitist for saying this, but this is a guy who came from flyover America. He is a heavy guy in a culture full of thin fellows. He did not come from Paris or New York or some exotic city of the world. He doesn’t have a stellar job, according to him, his job places him in what would be lower middle class here in the US. He has lived for ten years there. He refuses to date white women, even ones who are fellow ex-patriates. He thinks white women are all “entitled”. He thinks American women are all fat. His standard is a very, rail thin Japanese women below 30, at least below 35. My argument to him is that because he spent 29 years of his life in a small town in America, he’ll always be out of place in Japan. He will always be to some extent an outsider. He does not even speak the language. He is in his own words too lazy to learn it. From what he has told me, the culture is still very traditional and conservative. That narrows the pool greatly. He disagrees with me but I feel common interests and experiences are what make for the best relationships; what would he really, truly have in common with a woman who has lived there all her life? If the culture is as conservative as he says, wouldn’t a woman there chose a man of her “own people” before a fat guy from the sticks? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/23 "2017-07-20T17:00:06Z")
Good luck. Ultimately you will never convince him to change, the impetus has to come from himself. Better yet if it’s his idea. It has been proven, conclusively, countless times by thousands of other sad losers that being a desperately lonely, self-hating misanthrope is NOT the way to a woman’s, or anyone’s, heart. Reliably accomplishes exactly the opposite, in fact. I know this from personal experience (that I eventually overcame). It’s like quitting smoking. As long as you have access to cigarettes, until you decide to quit, on your own, you’re going to smoke. Until he gets his shit together and becomes, frankly, worthy of being loved, I’m afraid your friend is just shit outta luck. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/24 "2017-07-20T17:08:06Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > He thinks ALL women are ALL alike deep down, and that they’re all superficial and all they care about is how a guy looks and that a fat guy like him could never get a pretty girl. I hope you get a bulk discount on irony meters for when around him. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/25 "2017-07-20T17:12:25Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > He has lived for ten years there. He refuses to date white women, even ones who are fellow ex-patriates. He thinks white women are all “entitled”. He thinks American women are all fat. His standard is a very, rail thin Japanese women below 30, at least below 35. I think we have enough information now to conclude that your friend is a piece of shit. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/26 "2017-07-20T17:17:49Z")
If he’s depressed now, just wait till he gets married. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/27 "2017-07-20T17:20:29Z")
FWIW, I got married for the first (and so far only) time at 47. I have a good friend who got married at 46. Your friend sounds like a really piece of work - fat, lazy, slovenly, opinionated, and racist. Great set of attributes to attract a woman. Age is the least of his problems. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/28 "2017-07-20T17:24:15Z")
Well there you go. He’s a fat, old, lazy, slovenly, entitled, self-loathing misogynist asshole, who wants a young , thin, submissive asian girl. Waaaah, American girls are stuck up and entitled! They won’t date a fat old misogynist! I want a submissive Asian chick who knows her place! Waaaah, the Asian chicks are into tradition–like not marrying fat old misogynist foreigners! ---
**Author:** ![Reddy\_Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Reddy\_Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reddy_Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/29 "2017-07-20T17:31:21Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Well there you go. He’s a fat, old, lazy, slovenly, entitled, self-loathing misogynist asshole, who wants a young , thin, submissive asian girl. > > **Waaaah, American girls are stuck up and entitled! They won’t date a fat old misogynist! I want a submissive Asian chick who knows her place! Waaaah, the Asian chicks are into tradition–like not marrying fat old misogynist foreigners!** Pretty much. The guy tries my patience a lot with his self-pity. I used to be fat. I wasn’t obese but…I was 190lbs at 5’8’’ and I was not very attractive, and I managed to get with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had, a woman who looked like a '50s pinup girl. What attracted her to me was my personality. She would’ve preferred me skinnier, but she dated me nonetheless. But yeah, he always uses the word “entitled” when talking about white American women. He also thinks that like I said, having things in common isn’t necessary for a relationship. Maybe it’s a generational thing, I’m a 26 year old Millenial, but I do think having things in common (whether it be a similar background or at least similar tastes in things) is important. You don’t have to agree on everything but there has to be some common ground, otherwise there’s no real foundations for a relationship. I do tire of his hatred for women and I’ve tried to get through to him that he’s basically his own worst enemy. He is stubborn as a mule though. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/30 "2017-07-20T17:31:37Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > I have a friend. I won’t tell you too many details on him suffice to say that he is overweight, he was born in America but lives in a foreign country for the last decade, and he is turning 40. He is very depressed, and has been for the past year. He believes because he is fat and “old” he’ll never have anyone and will ‘die alone’. He’s objectively not a bad looking guy, or (when not depressed) a bad guy, but he is full of self loathing. I’ve told him that he is still young enough to get married if he really wanted it, and that it’s not the weight, so much as it is his negative attitude that is stopping him. Am I wrong? > > Also, what other advice would you suggest I give him? He’s basically like Eeyore most of the time. He has a great deal of hatred and resentment toward women as well for not wanting him, and I’ve told him that too isn’t helping him. Come on. Is this for real? Surely, you know the way you described your friend, he’s an asshole. Advice? Don’t be an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/31 "2017-07-20T17:32:09Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Waaaah, the Asian chicks are into tradition–like not marrying fat old misogynist foreigners! A fat old misogynist foreigner who has lived in the country _ **for 10 years** _ and hasn’t even learned the language yet! ---
**Author:** ![Reddy\_Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Reddy\_Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reddy_Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/32 "2017-07-20T17:34:09Z")
One day I was talking to him about how weight is perceived, and I asked him whether he feels perhaps weight was considered differently years ago than it is now. “no. never. fat people always sucked. fat people still suck now. just cause a few fat women say otherwise on blogs makes no difference. nobody likes fat people.” ---
**Author:** ![Reddy\_Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Reddy\_Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reddy_Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/33 "2017-07-20T17:35:19Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Come on. Is this for real? Surely, you know the way you described your friend, he’s an asshole. Advice? Don’t be an asshole. He is an asshole, and yes it is very much real, but I pity the guy. He’s an asshole with a lot of issues. I only talk to him because he was nice to me when I was in a rut, and because I have nothing better to do most of the time in all honesty. I’ve never met him in person; met him on another forum and we talk on Skype. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/34 "2017-07-20T18:00:57Z")
What you describe is a fat, poor, depressed, disheveled, possibly mentally ill, 40 year old, misogynist, Asian fetishist, American with a chip on his shoulder living in a foreign country with a somewhat homogenous, classist, elitist and xenophobic culture where he doesn’t speak the language. What he needs to become is a husky, independent, mysterious, laid back, eccentric, mature, quietly confident, multicultural, exotic foreigner. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/35 "2017-07-20T18:05:52Z")
With an Australian accent. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/36 "2017-07-20T18:44:24Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > With an Australian accent. And dress like a cowboy ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/37 "2017-07-20T19:56:51Z")
I’ve seen plenty of lifestyle articles suggesting that marriage rates are falling in Japan because Japanese women are no longer nearly as willing to tolerate the reputedly ingrained attitude of troglodytic entitlement among a lot of Japanese men. I can’t imagine it’s any more attractive coming from an American. Maybe if he grew tentacles… ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/38 "2017-07-20T20:04:29Z")
Is it possible to get married when you are 40? Yes. Is it possible to get married when you are 40 without addressing the issues that cause you to be unmarried even though you are 40? No. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/39 "2017-07-20T20:13:20Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Is it possible to get married when you are 40 without addressing the issues that cause you to be unmarried even though you are 40? No. Certainly it’s “possible”. It would be a bad idea though. ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718/40 "2017-07-20T20:35:24Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > He thinks any woman over 35 is worthless, because they’d be “losers nobody else wanted” I’m not completely again the mob now bashing this guy, but two things: 1. The semi-humorous formula I believe is ‘half your age plus 7’ as ideal woman’s age from a man’s POV. Sure a 40 yr old guy is narrowing the field not considering women also around 40, and the with a .000 batting average that’s a problem, but 35 as preferred age of woman for a 40 yr old guy is not bat shit crazy and _in general_ it’s more common for women to view older guys favorably as potential romantic partners than guys view older women that way. I mean it’s not as narrowing _in general_ as a 40 yr woman having trouble finding dates saying 35 is her max age for a guy. 2. He’d probably be bashed either way on the ‘race’ thing. A white guy lives in Japan and wants to date Japanese women: “Yellow Fever, POS!”. A white guy lives in Japan and wants to date white women: “Racist!”. I saw a humorous video on this about white expats in Korea with the same young Korean lady skillfully acting out both reactions when white guy answers either mildly positively or non-committal to her asking if he finds Korean women attractive. Everyone knows the politically correct answer is that you have no preference whatsoever based on the woman’s racial background (certainly if you’re white at least you’re supposed to say that) but it’s usually less than 100% honest when said, IME. Again though if the batting average is very low, one should probably cut down on writing off potential romantic interests without a really good reason. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-40-too-old-for-a-man-to-get-married/791718.md?page=3)