# Is a dating red flag the same as a deal-breaker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2022, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976 "2022-08-20T02:37:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/21 "2022-08-20T16:28:08Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > I live in Indianapolis - we’re all very familiar with racing flags I visited Indianapolis years ago with a group of guys. Is there a single bar that \*isn’t \* racing themed? The Finish Line, The Pit Stop, etc. As far as red flags are concerned, I have a nephew who is very handsome and very intelligent. I’d guess him to be 30. He has several degrees, a great job, and is currently guest lecturing doing a college circuit tour. He has had many girlfriends. They have all been drop dead gorgeous, extremely intelligent, personality plus types. I see no problem so far. But they’ve also all been Chinese or Korean. That’s gotta be a red flag, right? It must be awkward for a girlfriend to look at his social media and realize this about him. ---
**Author:** ![griffin1977](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@griffin1977](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffin1977)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/22 "2022-08-20T16:32:01Z")
Though I should add when I was dating I was a strict adherent to FIA regulations 🙂 > This, as the colour suggests, is used to stop the race. It’s used if the circuit is blocked or conditions make it too dangerous to continue. When that happens, red flags are waved at all marshal posts and the abort lights are lit up on the gantry across the start-finish line. > **[Insider’s guide: F1’s flag rules](https://us.motorsport.com/f1/news/insider-guide-f1-flag-rules/7088026/)** ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/23 "2022-08-20T16:58:05Z")
Relationship red flags usually come up when somebody is sitting, head in hands, with tears in their eyes. “There were so many red flags! Why didn’t I get out as soon as they flew?!” This idea that a red flag is a mere pause, a slight cause for concern, is a weird definition, in my opinion. There are lots of things you need to figure out about to determine whether a relationship is worthwhile; but red flags are warning that you should seek to immediately recognize and avoid. > [@kenobi\_65](#): > > In my mind (and in the article I posted), a “red flag” _is_ a deal breaker. They’re two terms for the same idea. Precisely. Why is it a red flag? Because it’s a relationship deal breaker. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/24 "2022-08-20T17:02:34Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > There are lots of things you need to figure out about to determine whether a relationship is worthwhile; but red flags are warning that you should seek to immediately recognize and avoid. I agree with you, obviously, but the OP created this thread because, in an earlier thread, they were surprised that people had that definition for the term “red flag,” in the context of a relationship. What the reactions, and the poll, in this thread, indicate to me is that there is no uniformity in how people are defining the term, and the “red flag = proceed with caution” usage which many people appear to have in a dating context, represents a different (and lower) level of concern than it has in its original, auto racing, context. OTOH, I haven’t dated in thirty years, so if that’s how the hip kids are using the term now, I’m out of date. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/25 "2022-08-20T17:13:47Z")
I don’t know anything about racing or the flags used therein. I use “red flag,” and I understand it when I hear it, to mean — stop and investigate. Do not give up, but do not go forward. If the issue can be resolved to your satisfaction, then proceed with caution. If the issue cannot be resolved, then the red flag stands. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/26 "2022-08-20T17:18:26Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > I use “red flag,” and I understand it when I hear it, to mean — stop and investigate. Do not give up, but do not go forward. If the issue can be resolved to your satisfaction, then proceed with caution. I think this is a good description. The OP’s poll only gave two options: “automatic deal-breaker” or “just a warning.” But this, which matches my understanding, is somewhere in between. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/27 "2022-08-20T17:40:56Z")
A red flag is a stop sign. And just like stop signs most people don’t stop completely and wind up rolling through. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/28 "2022-08-20T18:10:30Z")
In Hebrew, they don’t say “red flags” - they say “warning lights”. Like you’d have on a dashboard, or a nuclear reactor’s control room. ---
**Author:** ![carrps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carrps/32/2957_2.png) [@carrps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrps)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/29 "2022-08-20T19:01:59Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > the “red flag = proceed with caution” usage which many people appear to have in a dating context, represents a different (and lower) level of concern than it has in its original, auto racing, context. If you’re thinking “racing context” when you hear red flag, it makes sense to think of it as synonymous with deal-breaker. I’ve just never thought of relationship red flags in the racing context. Although I’ve actually walked on the brick portion of the Indy 500 track, I’m not into auto racing at all. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/30 "2022-08-20T19:26:32Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > the “red flag = proceed with caution” usage which many people appear to have in a dating context, represents a different (and lower) level of concern than it has in its original, auto racing, context. But _is_ auto racing the _original_ context? [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_flag_(idiom)) lists several contexts in which literal red flags have been used as a signal of danger or warning, and claims that “A signal of [danger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk) or a problem can be referred to as a red flag, a usage that originated in the 18th century,” but this has been flagged as “citation needed.” ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/31 "2022-08-20T19:29:24Z")
A yellow flag is a warning… A red flag is just patriotism! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/32 "2022-08-20T19:43:25Z")
I agree with the OP. I think the two ideas are related but distinct. A red flag is a sign that a problem may exist. The deal breaker is the actual problem. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/33 "2022-08-20T20:41:59Z")
Etymonline says the term goes back to 1777, so not auto racing, but rather war: > **[red flag | Etymology of red flag by etymonline](https://www.etymonline.com/word/red%20flag#etymonline_v_55075)** > > RED FLAG: "a sign of danger or warning," 1777, from red (adj.1) + flag (n.1). A red flag was used as a symbol of… See origin and meaning of red flag. > red flag (n.) > > “a sign of danger or warning,” 1777, from [red](https://www.etymonline.com/word/red?ref=etymonline_crossreference#etymonline_v_7437)(adj.1) + [flag](https://www.etymonline.com/word/flag?ref=etymonline_crossreference#etymonline_v_8825) (n.1). A red flag was used as a symbol of defiance in battle on land or sea from c. 1600. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/34 "2022-08-20T21:08:09Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > > [@kenobi\_65](#): > > > > the “red flag = proceed with caution” usage which many people appear to have in a dating context, represents a different (and lower) level of concern than it has in its original, auto racing, context. > > But _is_ auto racing the _original_ context? > > [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_flag_(idiom)) lists several contexts in which literal red flags have been used as a signal of danger or warning, and claims that "A signal of [danger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk) or a problem can be referred to as a red flag, a usage that originated in the 18th century, **" but this has been flagged as “citation needed.”** - What color? ---
**Author:** ![SailorHG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SailorHG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SailorHG)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/35 "2022-08-20T21:11:31Z")
The [Wikipedia article on Racing Flags](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racing_flags) says “The solid **red flag** is displayed when conditions are too dangerous to continue the session… the cars are typically directed to proceed immediately to pit road, or to stop at a specific spot on the track”. As others have noted, this basically stops all the action in the race in short order. [Slight hijack] What was bemusing to me was seeing all of the other flags that are used as well – white (slow vehicle ahead), red/yellow striped (debris/fluid on track), green (start of race), and two kinds of checkered – and trying to stretch the metaphor to other aspects of relationships. Like the green checkered flag (“end of racing stage”) could be marriage or moving in together. But the black/white checkered flag? All I could come up with was death, because that is the definite end of the race! [/Slight hijack] The problem is that usually our friends or family members are the ones yelling “woah, that’s a big red flag right there!” and we are too blind to reality to believe them. Perhaps that’s where the confusion comes (a full stopping of the relationship vs. exercising caution and continuing onwards): a red flag to your friend is only a yellow one in our own minds, something that we can overcome because we are “in love”. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/36 "2022-08-20T22:30:43Z")
I disagree, because I don’t think nor have ever heard of anyone talking about “yellow flags” in any context outside racing. It’s just a “red flag,” and to most of us, as evidenced by the poll, it means “caution/beware” and not “dealbreaker.” That’s simply how I’ve always heard it, and usage dictates language. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2022, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/37 "2022-08-20T23:12:38Z")
That is more or less how it is in EDD (Enhanced Due Diligence) and money laundering. A “red flag” on an account does not mean- “Close it” or “report to FBI”. it means look into the client and the transactions more carefully. [FFIEC BSA/AML Appendices - Appendix F – Money Laundering and Terrorist Financing Red Flags](https://bsaaml.ffiec.gov/manual/Appendices/07#:~:text=Funds%20transfer%20activity%20is%20unexplained,to%20or%20from%20different%20accounts). For example- _A customer’s home or business telephone is disconnected_.- Could be they just ditched their old land line. Some of these are more serious, of course, such as \*_A customer or group tries to persuade a bank employee not to file required reports or maintain required records._ for that- I would need a good reason, and look very carefully. So, the term “red flag” has many meanings in different areas. None of you are wrong. > [@Chronos](#): > > A red flag is something that might be a deal-breaker, and needs investigation to determine if it is or not. But it might also have an innocuous explanation. Right. A buddy of mine said he got rejected on a date due to all the cuts on his arms- turns out he just plays kinda rough with his cat. (Mind you, I _can_ verify cat scratches and his cat, I cannot verify that was the reason for the walk out, he was a BSer). > [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > But _is_ auto racing the _original_ context? Such flags were used by trainmen, but I dunno how early. ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2022, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/38 "2022-08-21T01:55:44Z")
I’m with the majority. It’s a warning. A behavior or action that potentially hints at something that’s actually a deal breaker. Like… having Ayn Rand on the bookshelf is a red flag, but being a sociopath is a deal breaker. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2022, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/39 "2022-08-21T04:12:49Z")
A red flag may not be a warning for a toxic relationship so much as it could be for incompatibility; for instance, differing views about religion, where to live, whether to have children, may not make a person good or bad but it can definitely alter a decision as to whether continuing the relationship is a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2022, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976/40 "2022-08-21T04:17:29Z")
And I’m assuming that your nephew is neither Chinese nor Korean? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-dating-red-flag-the-same-as-a-deal-breaker/969976.md?page=3)