# Is a large IQ disparity an obstacle to a happy marriage/relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 14, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656 "2011-10-14T18:11:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/21 "2011-10-15T06:00:16Z")
In my limited observation, it only works if the guy is the smarter one. As noted above, the gender role cultural expectations just work differently. I knew one lopsided couple that divorced, he was so threatened by her intelligence it wound up making them both miserable. While no one outside a marriage really knows what goes on, it seemed to all observing relatives that he just couldn’t handle feeling dumber than his wife. Both are happily remarried, she to someone smarter and he to someone very sweet and nice and not obviously intellectual. Another uneven couple divorced because _she_ couldn’t handle being smarter than him. She went from praising all his various non-brainy attributes, he could sing and was handy with fixing stuff and a great father, to resenting feeling like she had to pull the weight of all the planning and thinking for the family. It got ugly to be around, she was always throwing little barbs and digs in at him, everyone was relieved when they finally called it quits. My husband is far more educated than I am, and yet we both kind of feel lucky to be with someone more intelligent than we are. Past relationships with guys that weren’t as intellectually curious or as quick as me always failed, it’s somehow far more of a drag to have to explain stuff in a relationship that I’d have no issue explaining to a girlfriend or sister. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/22 "2011-10-15T06:53:55Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > If someone has a 140 IQ do they feel the same towards a 120 as the 120 does to the 100? Theoretically I think that’s supposed to be the case, but I’m not sure if that really manifests itself in a personal relationship as opposed to in academia or a project. So…how is a person with a 120 IQ supposed to feel about someone with a 100 IQ? I don’t think that the difference between 120 and 140 is _that_ noticable, so I’m not sure what you’re getting at here. Anyway, 90 vs 140. It might work out for some couples, but I have my doubts it would in general. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/23 "2011-10-15T08:41:20Z")
I don’t think a relationship can survive contempt, and a large discrepancy in intellect is likely, but not inevitably, a source of contempt. Basically, if you find yourself rolling your eyes or biting your tongue when your partner says stupid shit, I think it’s only a matter of time before everything degrades into misery and despair. But it’s the contempt, not the difference, that spells the end. If the contempt isn’t there, it’s probably not that big of a deal. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/24 "2011-10-15T11:26:37Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t think a relationship can survive contempt, and a large discrepancy in intellect is likely, but not inevitably, a source of contempt. In my examples the smarter, female half of the couple totally respects the less smart, male half. In each case the male half is a self-made skilled tradesman. Bear in mind, the male half never yearned for further education. Their HS education is all they ever wanted. They prefer to work with their hands. Actually, one of the male halves rarely speaks and can give the impression of being a bit “slow.” Actually he’s sharp, just doesn’t like to talk. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/25 "2011-10-15T13:22:35Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t think a relationship can survive contempt, snip Oh, I’ve seen these. My mom and her husband hated one another, but they stayed together. It was terrible to be around. My mom was smarter than him, but it was as though they just both needed to be miserable. I think I have more book sense than my spouse, but he has more common sense than I do. We can’t discuss politics and religion and the like because he just has no interest in that. Thank goodness for message boards. Luckily, there are other things we do both enjoy. So, like with a lot of stuff, it’s a balancing act. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/26 "2011-10-15T14:21:38Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > What tended to go wrong in your dating/relationships of women who were smart and educated? > > Was it that smart and educated women wanted a man who is smarter and more educated than them? > > In what ways is it rocky? Well, and it is just my observation and so may be distorted…but the smart educated women seemed to have problems with me being a teacher. Smart, educated women want a successful man…not a teacher. Sorry of that sounds harsh, but I truely believe that was the problem. Between marriages I also dated smart, successful women and they seemed to like me. Even had relatively long relationships with 2. However, I had left teaching long ago and so was doing pretty good myself. ---
**Author:** ![thelabdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@thelabdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelabdude)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/27 "2011-10-15T17:15:11Z")
[quote=“lavenderviolet, post:15, topic:599656”] It’s important to keep in mind that education is not the same as intelligence. Dating someone less educated is not that hard to do because there are many intelligent people who for one reason or another never received advanced education. /QUOTE] Very good point. My mother had a 2 year teaching degree. My father only finished eighth grade. I think they were both very intelligent and had a good marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/28 "2011-10-15T19:55:05Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t think a relationship can survive contempt, and a large discrepancy in intellect is likely, but not inevitably, a source of contempt. > > Basically, if you find yourself rolling your eyes or biting your tongue when your partner says stupid shit, I think it’s only a matter of time before everything degrades into misery and despair. But it’s the contempt, not the difference, that spells the end. If the contempt isn’t there, it’s probably not that big of a deal. That’s probably true, but one of the things about my wife–and one I really appreciate–is that when I say stupid shit, she calls me on it. No eye-rolling and certainly no contempt. In fact, one of the things I want–and have found–in a wife is that she will have a rational argument with me. Of course, we have fights on occasion; that is _not_ what I am talking about. It would be hard to decide which of us is smarter. We each have our own thing. That’s fine. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/29 "2011-10-15T20:17:15Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > That’s probably true, but one of the things about my wife–and one I really appreciate–is that when I say stupid shit, she calls me on it. No eye-rolling and certainly no contempt. In fact, one of the things I want–and have found–in a wife is that she will have a rational argument with me. Of course, we have fights on occasion; that is _not_ what I am talking about. > > It would be hard to decide which of us is smarter. We each have our own thing. That’s fine. Aren’t you a retired math teacher or somesuch? I don’t think you count as dumb. How do your rational arguments differ from other arguments? I ask because I’d like to find a way to have rational arguments. It seems like a very useful skill. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2011, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/30 "2011-10-15T21:22:34Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > That’s probably true, but one of the things about my wife–and one I really appreciate–is that when I say stupid shit, she calls me on it. No eye-rolling and certainly no contempt. In fact, one of the things I want–and have found–in a wife is that she will have a rational argument with me. Of course, we have fights on occasion; that is _not_ what I am talking about. > > It would be hard to decide which of us is smarter. We each have our own thing. That’s fine. Exactly. Your wife doesn’t think there’s no point in explaining it to you because you are too stupid to understand. I am talking about a situation where one person (the “smart one”) treats things as outside the capacity of the other to comprehend–which may well be true if the intellectual difference is great enough. That’s the sort of contempt I think will ruin a relationship–or at least make it a living hell. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/31 "2011-10-16T14:12:50Z")
Dr John Gottman, who’s known for his studies of relationships, has identified the four main aspects that are the Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If the intelligent partner is critical and/or contemptuous of the less intelligent partner then the relationship will suffer. Is it possible for a higher IQ individual to avoid criticism or contempt of a lower IQ partner? Certainly. I feel that men, who in our society place higher value on looks are less likely to care if a partner needs to be coddled. Indeed, I think some men enjoy it. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/32 "2011-10-16T20:43:40Z")
I guess my ex-wife-thing and I form a good data point. She probably had a slightly higher IQ, helped me with some tough proofs for various axiomatic systems, but I had by far more education and was the communicator in the relationship. I needed to talk, to relate, in a not-necessarily sexual way, and she “was cold as ice.” Course she’s a librarian at a public library (because of my training in formal ontology I helped her in a significant manner to earn her MILS), and now I still don’t have my Ph.D., so it worked out for both of us. I conclude it’s not raw IQ that matters, but styles and quantitative degrees of communication. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2011, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/33 "2011-10-16T21:43:05Z")
> [@astro](#): > > IQ doesn’t always correlate to good relationship skills. It’s not unusual for high IQ, verbally clever and intellectually nimble people to be piss poor at “reading” other people and their emotional states. > > _Really_ dumb people eventually get aggravating because you really can’t hang with them without wanting to blow your brains out. I’ve dated high school grads, and I’ve dated doctors, lawyers, and executives. And that kind of “dumb” may not have anything to do with IQ or education. My husband has a friend who as far as I can tell is of normal intelligence. However, he has no curiosity about anything that doesn’t directly affect him and little about things that do and he therefore doesn’t understand situations because he’s never thought about them and tried to inform himself. He spent about a year talking about his “debit-credit” card before we finally established that he was talking about a debit card with a Visa logo - although he knew the money always came out of his bank account he thought “credit” or “debit” referred to how the card was processed at a cash register.He didn’t know that getting a mortgage on a paid-off house meant that a person was borrowing money using the house as collateral, and didn’t know that a co-signer was responsible for repaying the loan. He understood just fine when we explained it after he mentioned he got a letter from a bank saying they were foreclosing on his brother’s house. There is no way I could have a romantic relationship with someone like that - spending a couple of hours with him makes me want to blow my brains out. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/34 "2011-10-17T01:27:28Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t think a relationship can survive contempt, and a large discrepancy in intellect is likely, but not inevitably, a source of contempt. > > Basically, if you find yourself rolling your eyes or biting your tongue when your partner says stupid shit, I think it’s only a matter of time before everything degrades into misery and despair. But it’s the contempt, not the difference, that spells the end. If the contempt isn’t there, it’s probably not that big of a deal. This, and it killed my first marriage. Although to be utterly fair to him, he’s not really all that dumb, he’s just very differently smart than me. He can take things apart and put them together and work out how things run and all that engineering/spacial type stuff that I’m no good at. But he’s very far behind me verbally and his writing is awful. Add to that a tendancy to believe every bullshit thing he’s told and no, couldn’t do it anymore. Contempt was a symptom and it was on both sides - me every time he said something dumb and him when he was convinced I used words he didn’t understand to make him feel stupid, plus why couldn’t I just fix the thing that was broken without him, how fucking hard can it be? It was symptom of a bigger problem, but in the end it killed everything. We’re happier now, both of us. Although each of us still thinks the other is dumber than a whole sack of rocks. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/35 "2011-10-17T01:49:37Z")
> [@Gleena](#): > > Although each of us still thinks the other is dumber than a whole sack of rocks. 😃 Is a whole sack smarter or dumber than a half sack? ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/36 "2011-10-17T02:01:55Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Is a whole sack smarter or dumber than a half sack? Depends on whether I’m annoyed at him or not. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/37 "2011-10-17T02:02:10Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > There is a huge difference between my parent’s mental abilities. > > My father has a IQ of 84, my mother, somewhere between 130-140. > My father repeated first grade thrice, my mother got the highest marks for economics in her entire state.. > > It caused huge problems, as they didn’t really have any common grounds for communication and he couldn’t understand why she got upset. They stayed [mostly] together because my mum’s disability made her dependant on him, and his childlike immaturity made him emotionally dependant on her. > > I had a friend who dated someone who was very slow. She was less-than-agreeable, as she found it difficult to put herself in others positions. She got arguementative when she was confused. > > Because of these two examples, I would be personally apprehensive about getting into a serious relationship with someone significantly less intelligent then myself. > > I think this would be a more common problem for men, then women, as intelligence positively correlates with the financial success and social savvy that many women desire in their men, but such factors aren’t such a killer edge for women, what with them being judged more heavily than men on beauty and youthfulness. What brought your parents together in the first place? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/38 "2011-10-17T03:52:19Z")
I’m going to disent and say that it’s totally workable to have a relationship where the woman is more intellectually gifted than the man. I’ve seen quite a few relationships where the woman is working hard in a career and pulling the intellectual weight while the guy chops wood and acts like the man around the house. She reads serious books, he messes with his car and watches football in the den. It works. I’ve found my relationships with somewhat less sharp guys to be pretty enjoyable- It’s nice to be able to relax with a guy, watch some dumb TV, and not have to be completely on-the-ball like I do when I’m at work or with friends. It’s nice to have a guy who can generally entertain himself playing video games or reading trashy books, without me having to turn every date into some huge wit-fest. I’ve got a lot of time in my life where I’m thinking pretty hard, and I’ve found it nice when they guy your sleeping with can be a break from that. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/39 "2011-10-17T07:25:23Z")
I don’t know what are the IQs of my uncle Jay and his wife, Mary, but she’s on the slow side of normal and he’s on the fast one. They separated a few years ago; she had been depressed for years, part of the reason was that he’d demean her. If he hadn’t done this, and if he’d been better at taking her needs into account (or she at expressing them), they’d still be together. They’ve been married for over 40 years, separated the last 5 or so… so even if it hasn’t ended too well, it’s still a better track record than many others. My father’s sister is both smarter and nicer than her smartass of a husband. The “nicer” is very important, there have been times it’s avoided having her throw him down a window like he sometimes does his best to deserve. Their 40 year anniversary will be next year: three sons, two grandchildren, very much still together and, while not smoke-in-your-eyes in-love, very much in love with each other. ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2011, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656/40 "2011-10-17T10:22:46Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > What brought your parents together in the first place? She said hello to him whilst naked (she was modelling for his art class) Why did they stay together? They were lonely I guess, plus, together, they could cover each others weaknesses. My dad could do the things requiring the sight she lacked, she could deal with talking with people who would confuse my dad. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-a-large-iq-disparity-an-obstacle-to-a-happy-marriage-relationship/599656.md?page=3)